A somewhat disturbing poem

Kscott · Sep 12, 2008

Break my head on a window sill.
Glass shatters, all is still.
Got to get up,
got to kill,
the little man
that talks, but isn't real

Carpet covered by a lake of red.
Blood gushes, pain in head.
Hope to quiet,
hope to shred,
the little man
that talks, but isn't real

Shouting with a voice that trails.
He is desperate, no avail.
The reaper is here,
here to jail,
the little man
that talks, but isn't real

Perkele · Sep 19, 2008

I liked it. But I don't undrestand it...not a poet.

Kscott · Sep 19, 2008

In the first stanza, the writer smashes his head against a window sill, in order to "silence" the voices in his head.

In the second stanza, the writer is on the floor surrounded by a pool of blood, still wanting to kill the voices in his head.

In the final stanza the voices in his head die, but the reader must decide for themselves what this means. (i.e Did the writer kill himself in order to silence the voices?)

mocker · Sep 20, 2008

I like it, but perhaps too cryptic?
I think you need to improve the rhythmic flow of the poem.

I write a good deal of poems myself, but they're all written in Norwegian I'm afraid.

God · Sep 29, 2008

mocker said:
I like it, but perhaps too cryptic?

No such thing!

Claudius Gothicus · Sep 29, 2008

It's a great piece of poetry, maybe a bit weird and disturbing but still great :thumbsup2

.

Kscott · Oct 5, 2008

mocker said:
I like it, but perhaps too cryptic?
I think you need to improve the rhythmic flow of the poem.

I write a good deal of poems myself, but they're all written in Norwegian I'm afraid.

Very cryptic, but that is my style. I do agree about the flow, I'm not entirely happy about the second two stanzas. It is more made to be spoken though. Has a pretty good flow when I say it.

God said:
No such thing!

Agreed!

Claudius Gothicus said:
It's a great piece of poetry, maybe a bit weird and disturbing but still great.

Incredibly weird and disturbing, but that is the only type of poems I can write

dwringer · Oct 5, 2008

Kscott said:
Break my head on a window sill.
Glass shatters, all is still.
Got to get up,
got to kill,
the little man
that talks, but isn't real

Carpet covered by a lake of red.
Blood gushes, pain in head.
Hope to quiet,
hope to shred,
the little man
~~that talks, but isn't real~~

Shouting with a voice that trails.
He is desperate, no avail.
The reaper is here,
here to jail,
the little man
that talks, but isn't real

I like it, the above is the only change that I might suggest (just because it breaks the rhyme scheme to keep that line in)

Kscott · Oct 6, 2008

Thats the most important part of the poem!

mocker · Oct 7, 2008

I feel compelled to say that the cryptic critique was poorly stated by me. What I meant was that the "cryptism" ruined the flow. Sorry about that.

The Big Red 1 · Oct 9, 2008

I enjoyed it and thought it was very good. Bravo. :thumbsup2

A somewhat disturbing poem

A somewhat disturbing poem

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