Short Story Project

Ok for my creative-writing class I got to write a short story. I'll post it here as I go, tell me what you think.


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The Devil in the Brown Hat

I could hear them before they even reached me. Smith and Stevens had the last fire guard shift and were proceeding to wake everyone up with a tap to the shoulder while whispering “wake up.” It was only zero four-hundred hours, or as I used to call it four in the morning, and the lights were not yet on. Despite that I still had to get up, because the Drill Sergeant expected that the bay, as we called the large room the fifty-six of us slept in, to be clean when he walked in at zero five-hundred. That included the communal shower and the latrines, or bathroom as I called them in my old life.
Finally, it was my turn to get up. Even though I knew it was coming, I still regretted it clinging to every precious second of sleep I could. Back home it would have taken me fifteen minutes to crawl out of bed, but here it was somehow easier. Maybe it was because I slept above my covers so I wouldn’t have make my bed, a very time consuming task due to the difficult Army standard.
Cleaning, PT, and breakfast all went by in what seemed to be a few minutes. I guess it was the fact I was still not completely awake and acting in a zombie-like mode. Two weeks in and it still wasn’t easy to be motivated in the morning no matter how much Drill Sergeant Amorson yelled. Strangely he never realized that putting you in the front-leaning rest position, which is a bit of a misnomer since I could never imagine anyone wanting to rest in the push-up position, never really gets you motivated to go to PT. Anyways, after breakfast I formed up with the rest of my platoon that I was training with as we always did after breakfast. We were then marched back to our bay, or actually outside the bay. When we reached there Drill Sergeant Amorson, the man who was marching us, halted us as he did every morning to give us our instructions upon entering the bay.
“Okay ****tards, today will be a great day, or it least it will for me. You disgusting privates will get a chance to enter the gas chamber. Though I don’t have the pleasure of standing in the chamber and watching you pussies cry your eyes out and beg for your mommies, I will however get to stand outside and watch you run from the chamber with tears still in your eyes. If any of you **** up, which you will, I’ll get the pleasure of sending you back in as you cry and beg me to show you mercy. As I said, its going to be a great day. Now onto present business, on the command of fall out move into the bay and change into your ACUs and grab your protective mask, then reform back here. You have twenty minutes, but because you ate so slow at breakfast fifteen of those minutes are already gone so I suggest you hurry. FALLLL......OUT.”

Good, but I'd describe the settings a bit more.
Show me, don't tell me--with words though.

As soon as he gave the fall out command we rushed into the bay, no one saying a word not wanting to waste precious time. I barely managed to survive the stampede through the door as I rushed to my locker, and took out my key that was attached by a cord to my PT shorts. After opening my locker I ripped out my ACUs, patches already placed in the correct position, having been set up the night before after what happened last time...
...I had been rushing to find my patches to place on my ACUs. As usual we had been given an impossible tasks to accomplish, putting on our uniforms in two minutes. To motivate us he had put everyone who was dressed in the front-leaning rest until all of us were dressed. Well the night before I had just tossed my patches into my locker and I couldn’t find them. All the while I was looking my platoon mates were screaming for me to hurry up. As they screamed I started to panic and it took me even longer to find them. Eventually I did find them, and put them on as fast as I could and then joined the rest in the front-leaning rest.
“Position of attention....MOVE,” said Drill Sergeant Amorson a few seconds after I had assumed the push-up position.
We all got up quickly.
“Hey US Army, how is Kowiz treating you,” said Drill Sergeant Amorson.
I looked down at my name tags and realized I had got my name tag and US Army tag backwards. I quickly changed it around hoping not to attract his ire.
“****o the Clown,” the Drill Sergeant said looking at me, “today’s you’re lucky day. Even though you’re as ****ed up as a soup sandwich I don’t have time to smoke the living **** out of you now we got too much to do. Don’t worry I’ll get you later...”
...Though the Drill Sergeant never did get me, I never forgot the lesson I learned that day. Not only because I was afraid of getting in trouble, but because I did not want to let down my fellow trainees again. Loyalty to the platoon was important, we all had to do our best not to **** up or we would all get in trouble. Well that thought wasted precious time and I rushed even quicker to get my uniform on. After I got it on I rushed down to formation and took my place between Lawson and Kramer. Around twenty seconds later the last member of the platoon fell into his spot. Unfortunately, the Drill Sergeant was standing on the platform on the top of his stairs with an angry look on his face.
“Unacceptable, you have not completed the task according to standard. Half-right...FACE.” We all knew what was next. “Front-leaning rest position....MOVE.”
We immediately assumed the position. And as we remained in the front-leaning rest the Drill Sergeant started speaking.


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I'll work on the setting more SickBoy, we're restricted to 10 pages and I want to get what I want in. After I do that I'll flesh out the setting if I can.

It's fine. Just a few things you might want to think about though.



a Double use of words. For instance: "To motivate us he had put everyone who was dressed in the front-leaning rest until all of us were dressed."

Try using another word instead of repeating "dressed". You also need to think about the rythm of it - dressed...rest...dressed gives too much of a rhyme, which makes it quite difficult to follow.

or

"Well that thought wasted precious time and I rushed even quicker to get my uniform on. After I got it on I rushed down to formation and took my place between Lawson and Kramer."

Perhaps use hurried or ran?



b Repetition of full names. For example:

"'Position of attention....MOVE,' said Drill Sergeant Amorson a few seconds after I had assumed the push-up position.
We all got up quickly.
'Hey US Army, how is Kowiz treating you,' said Drill Sergeant Amorson."

Don't repeat his full name & title (Drill Sergeant Amorson). Just use Amorson, or the Drill Sergeant instead (which you have, to be fair, used after this point).



c Varying vocabulary interms of responses - use words such as "replied", "responded", "interjected", "answered" rather than "said". In fact, use said as little as possible - it makes the writing a lot more interesting and, crucially, less repetitive.



d Use commas and punctuation more, to split up your sentences. This is something that you need do throughout much of the piece, really. Just one example is:

"It was only zero four-hundred hours, or as I used to call it four in the morning,"

Put that way, it means:

It was only zero four-hundred hours, or because I used to call it four in the morning...

Instead I think you mean:

It was only zero four-hundred hours, or, as I used to call it, 'four in the morning',



e Just a point about the story - so far the drill sergeant seems a bit sterotypical. I don't know if this is true of the normative drill sergeant - is it? It could well be, I suppose, as I don't know much about american military life. If it isn't quite the reality, however, it does fit into the common perception of sergeants a bit much - which might make your story be percieved as being formulaic. You might well be right about this, but it's just something to think about.



f Sickboy has a good point about showing not telling.Rather than telling us what happens, describe it, and let us draw our own conclusions. It's better writing, and it keeps peoples attention more.



g "...Though the Drill Sergeant never did get me, I never forgot the lesson I learned that day."

You haven't finished the day's story, there, so that probably isn't the best time to say "the Drill Sergeant never did get me". It reduces tension, and therefore interest.

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I'm sure some of this will come across as a bit critical - but I'm not saying it doesn't have it's good parts too. It does. But every story can, of course, be improved, this on can, and those are some of the ways.

Good luck with it.

Thanks....

I'm basing the story on the red-phase period of training where Drill Sergeants try their best to imitate Full Metal Jacket. I'm also trying to make the DS look as evil as possible, because this is how the story will end.

I looked and looked through my pockets for my key and I couldn't find it. I must have thrown it in my locker with my PT shorts. Oh ****, I'm going to get killed for this I thought, but I may as well go tell the Drill Sergeant so he can get the bolt cutters. I knocked on the Drill Sergeants door, and he angrily told me to get in. Inside the room was a variety of pictures of his family and of Iraq, but one poster caught my eye. On it was a photograph of a casket with an American flag on it. The photograph had a caption, "Let no soldier say if only I had been properly trained..." Immediately I had seen the point of all the yelling and harassment.

I think it's a good story though... The only problem is that I'm not english, I'm portuguese, so I don't know as much as a native.I agree with the correction of Soren also. I hope you'll get a good mark also..

Originally Posted by empty

I think it's a good story though... The only problem is that I'm not english, I'm portuguese, so I don't know as much as a native.I agree with the correction of Soren also. I hope you'll get a good mark also..

If you agreed with Soren's correction, then you shouldn't have made that mistake. Besides, "also" comes in the beginning of the sentece.

Anyway, I think that story could be a little more detailed, but I liked it. It was a good story. The daily thoughts of a recruit... Keep it up!

Lord Sigilus