"Sit down, Timmy, your old man needs to explain some things to you. We'll eventually have a little conversation about the birds and the bees. However, before we get there, you must learn a valuable lesson today about those neighborhood girls you seem to have a crush on. I hate to be the one to break this to you, Timmy, but the truth is that all women - being mammals like apes and monkeys - are essentially bearded women, even if it's just microscopic hairs undetected without an HD camera lens."
"But dad, mom doesn't have a beard! Does she shave like you do?"
"SHUT THE 
UP TIMMY, respect your bearded elders and listen closely when your father is speaking to you. Now, back to our little talk. Some day, Timmy, you'll grow up and meet a nice girl, and while brushing your hand against her face, do not feel frightened by the little prickly feeling you might get along the skin of your palm or fingers. Female beards are simply natural, Timmy, even if they cannot be detected by the untrained eye. Take for instance the famous actress Lily Collins, what a doll face! However, the closer you look, Timmy, the sooner you'll realize she's just a bearded woman who's trying to hide her stubble like all the others under a mountain of makeup. Lord knows your mom tries her best, Timmy! But she's not fooling your old man. Nor sir-e-bob. See for yourself, Timmy, here's Lily in a close up photograph:"
"See, Timmy? She even has little tiny hairs all over her nose, let alone the faint outlines of a manly mustache. What a monkey! However, it's very rude to call women bearded, so don't go doing that! At least not in public or on a highly visible internet gaming forum. You'll get the slapped out of you and you'd deserve it too. Especially since they put in all that effort waxing themselves smooth until they're seemingly hairless. Now you run along, Timmy, and remember everything your father has taught you. Tomorrow we'll go over the basics of leaving the damn toilet seat down for that special bearded lady once you finally get hitched and move in together. For now your father needs to run to the store and get your mother her aftershave!"
Female facial hair
Originally Posted by Derc
