Explain an EBII game mechanic or a historical fact in the worst way possible

[Shoebopp]

Ptolemaic Administrative Concerns: Every time the CEO takes a few days off the middle managers stage an insurrection and attack an offshore office

Baktria/Hayastan Independence Forgiveness: After years of putting up with torment, collecting evidence, contacting legal authorities, and biding your time, you're finally on the verge of breaking free from your abusive boyfriend. He then texts you saying he forgives you.

Kingetos: If you don't cause property damage, kill innocent people, and run 20 miles a day, you'll forever remain a virgin.

Taksashilan Military Reform: Indian data scientists analyzed billions of data points from hundreds of battles to conclude that giving cavalry slightly more armor helps their chances.

Literally the Entire Saba Campaign/Arabian System of Mutual Aid: The United Nations fail to stop a single state from expanding its influence

Nabatu Campaign Objectives: Cold War-era East Germany is expected to destroy both NATO and the Soviet Union

Any Heavy Cavalry Usage in Battle: Iranians are charged by the Hague Convention of running over rebels with T84 tanks

[realm56]

My really bad takes on each Faction's starting situation:

Starting off:
.KB- Still recovering from civil war, grain export monopoly and prices down the gutter and nomad troubles.
.Eperios - In debt, a king with no plan, Vengeful Romans and Carthaginians, a KH on perpetual alert (except a certain Spartan ma-nchild) and a very upset and finicky Macedonian toddlers with their papa at the gates.
.SPQR - Just gonna wipe the grease off my boot and keep my shorts from sliding down really....

[Lusitanio]

Carthage: Gonna send my General to the war, oh no, he's a rejected General and must stay at Carthage 40 turns to not be elected in the end.

Rome AI: Gonna conquer the world! Besides Rhegium, that's where the conquering stops.

Lusitanians: Gonna get some fine cows raiding my enemies.

[Camcolit]

Human Parthia -
10 settlements from the core of the empire, that'll slow down the Seleucids, looking forward to fight someone else.
20 settlements - well now they are kicked out of the east completely except for the buffer area I have ingeniously left to make them fight the Bactrians and Indians - aha! Now I am entirely surrounded by Seleukia, I am playing 3D chess!
30 settlements, hmm Ptolemy and Macedon are now Seleucids, ok I guess..

AI Parthia -
Faction Destroyed, Pahlava. Faction Destroyed, Pahlava. Faction Destroyed, Pahlava.

[Neyak]

Thureos Reform: Our feet keep getting hit by arrows. The Celts don't have that problem. Not fair.

Unschooled: Yes, there was an academy in my home town. You didn't say I actually had to go, did you?

Mercenary Service: It might look like I'm just hiding at home, but I'm really in India, honest!

Stasis: Let's agree to disagree. Forever. With daggers.

[Sar1n]

Cursus Honorum: Standing around doing nothing for a decade is a best way to be granted an office that expires before I even get to the army I'm supposed to command....

[Marie Louise von Preussen]

Thureos Reform: Our feet keep getting hit by arrows. The Celts don't have that problem. Not fair.

Unschooled: Yes, there was an academy in my home town. You didn't say I actually had to go, did you?

Mercenary Service: It might look like I'm just hiding at home, but I'm really in India, honest!

Stasis: Let's agree to disagree. Forever. With daggers.

If your general is Dull there's no point in sending him to cities with School buildings.

[eyelurker]

Pontus : Magikarp of EBII

[Marie Louise von Preussen]

LOL.

[Trarco]

Mercenary Service: It might look like I'm just hiding at home, but I'm really in India, honest!

[Shoebopp]

Pontus : Magikarp of EBII

I agree. That also means that Parthia is Feebas. Parthia starts out needing to win Heroic Victory after Heroic Victory with a small batch of cavalry in order to carve out an empire. Once it achieves the Imperial Reforms though its government and recruitment options span from Pergamon in the West to India in the East to Sakasthane and Khsai Urubastra to the North. You can say that the unit variety is beautiful... just like Milotic

[Shoebopp]

Hellenic "bad" traits: Genetically imperfect nobility are predisposed to gossiping, brown-nosing, checking out the teeth of donkeys, and ranting about women at weddings.

Spartan Agoge: A minor is sent to Navy Seals training camp and passes, gaining an irrational amount of confidence as a result.

Gymnastikos: Convicted sex offender is given a position of power over women.

New Rebellions Script: Americans got the idea to storm their capital after playing EBII 2.35a.

Getic Hellenic Pilgrimage: Rich guy tours impoverished poor nations to "gain new perspectives" and experience "cultural enrichment"

Getic Smoke Hut: Rich guy smokes weed.

Getic Journey to Become a Living God: The EBII team makes a convincing argument for secularism.

Celtiberian Duels: Breaking news: Rich politician loses both hands, a foot, two kidneys, 7 meters of small intestine, and his dignity after losing a game of pattycake against political rival.

Nabatu Imperial Reform Philhellene Requirement: President of Jordan drastically reforms his nation's political, social, and military systems after watching a Greek comedy.

Building Level 2 Hellenistic Colony in Ekbatana and Training Katakoi Thraikes: Bulgarian fights for Iraq in exchange for tax exemptions.

[Neyak]

Adriatic Pirates attack Ambrakia: "χαιρρρρρε, Πύρρρρρε!"