Chapter One - A Stork, a Maiden Fair and a Demonic Child
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Gollum is looking mighty fine.
Hello, I am Count Amadeus of Provence and Forxaquir, no, Foralquier. No, that isn't right either. Fordquire?
Whatever. The other place.
Remembering what this County was called took me far too long.
As I was saying.
I am Amadeus, a Count. A Noble. I descend from only the most ancient of lineages and ancestry. No, I did not draw up this banner last night frantically when I realised I had to show it in public. No, I did not drunkenly stumble into being a count.
And YES I have parents!
@Paradox, love the ruler designer. But for the love of everything Holy and Good. Please, please, add something other than a randomiser for Dynasty Symbols. Took me an hour to find one I thought was half decent.
First thing's first. I need to get a wife.
I marry a twenty-two year old Croatian woman. I need all the help I can get, so I want my children to be robust and.... fecund? I want my children to be fecund? Really?
Well, alright. I'm sure this won't backfire horribly.
It Will.
The second thing I need to take care of is my finances. Tragically 25 ducats is worth about as much as a goat.
I don’t need, or want, a goat. I want a crown. So I’m going to need to get rich.
Thankfully, being the temperate and honest and virtuous paragon I am. The Pope obliges my request for a tax rebate.
If only I could get a tax rebate in real life.
I feel like I’m forgetting something, something important. Something integral to my life and –
Oh! Lifestyles!
Being the glorious paragon and head of House de Villaret, I am going to focus on Chivalry and becoming Gallant. Who cares about money when I can solve all my problems with death?
Also, it turns out my wife is actually nineteen and not twenty-two. Huh. The small details you miss.
Well, I said I was a paragon of virtue. Not that I was smart. Or that I paid any attention to my wife.
I may regret not paying her attention. But, so what? Wife is like pet, if I feed her she will be happy. Maybe take her for a walk every now and again.
Right?
See! She’s already pregnant! I am a great husband! Best husband!
I've already done one manly thing today, got my wife pregnant. Now to follow it up with something even better!
To prove how manly I am, I sing softly to a horse to calm it down.
And it works?
Damn it. I really needed an excuse for the way I look. A horse kicking me in the face is at least believable.
I really wish it would have told me that I had a new liege and wasn't just a vassal to the King.
My infallible King recognises my extreme talent and requests I be seated on his council.
Hold on, Duke Angilbotto of Provence wants me on his council?
Never. Mind. My. King. Is. An. Idiot.
I promptly accept.
In wake of my wife’s pregnancy, and being told that treating my wife like she is a pet is a bad thing. I decide to do something else.
I will make her love me.
By singing a love ballad?
I have the voice of an angel. I am strong, and wise, and beautiful and deserve happiness.
Alrighty Kriemgremlin, let’s do this.
I continue to flirt with her, and she sends me a cute little poem in return! Amadeus may have some luck with getting his wife to tolerate his presence after all!
That’s….. That’s not how astronomy works, dear.
Maybe she’s the one who needs help. But, honestly, she could not choose a worse person to get help from. Do I look like someone that knows anything more than the basics of life? I know how to swing my sword, that's all. Sometimes people die, sometimes they don't. Science is beneath my noble and virtuous notice.
After my wife’s cunning plan to send me adoring poems to make me scared, I decide to sort out my Council and make them all competent.
Now everyone is competent except me. And my Bishop. But, alas, that’s to be expected.
Oooooh? A night without sleep? Sounds enticing. Sounds raunchy!
Oh.
Sorry. You want ME to watch you sleep?
Well, that sounds a lot less enjoyable than what I had in mind.
I succeeded, though, for the next two years I will remain sleep deprived.
Not worth it. Not worth it at all.
I decide to again focus on getting rich. So, I leave my castle and enter a random forest. Everyone knows forests have magical beings that horde wealth. Pots of Gold. Rainbows. All of that, right?
Good God that doesn’t look very happy and rainbowy. But I like money.
We find an ancient ruin, which saves me from financial ruin. And while my peasants are terrified of ghosts, I am educated well-enough to know that ghosts do exist. But they don’t care about the peasantry. Only the Nobles. If we do bad things we’ll get possessed. It’s terrifying.
Feels good though.
Anyway, we venture inside and I stumble upon 75 gold pieces.
Now I have enough for multiple goats.
I decide that I need to make more money, so I invest in the farmlands of Provence. As the tooltip says, these peasants will give me everything they have. And I, I, will be rich.
It is around this time that my wife gives birth to…. A daughter.
After arguing with her about throwing it in to the sea, we decided to name it Juliana and let it stay.
I say it because that thing is most certainly possessed by the Devil. There is no doubt in my mind. It is Lucifer reborn. Look. At. It.
And then I declare war on Duke Angilbotto, firstly because what is that name? Secondly, because he only has a singular county and doesn’t deserve to rule over me. I should be Duke, I am virtuous and brilliant and the Pope loves me, which means God loves me.
With that said, to war we march. To darkness and death.
What will come next? Nobody knows, except me, the omnipotent God of this world.
I warned you, did I not? That demonic child.
Look at us, one small, not happy, family. Amadeus looks like he wants to drown himself. Kriemhild looks sincerely unimpressed and as if she wants to return to Croatia where children didn't levitate like demon spawn.
Until next time!