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Thread: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

  1. #1
    Cookiegod's Avatar Primicerius
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    Default Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    • Make the Cookie Caliphate Great
    • Legendary Difficulty (no reload). I should mention that I have no experience with legendary difficulty in any total war game so far and that the only game I had in this DLC so far was with the Danes.
    • Readers get a vote in the most important/difficult decisions. I'll try to end each part on decision points.
      ...wait. Wouldn't that make it a "during action report"?
    • Get a better image to text ratio than Derc
    • Steal his format, pretending it's your own.
    • Defy the commandments of typography.
    • Do NOT subvert expectations
    • Hope no one notices you copied entire sentences from the blobtits AAR.



    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    From Socrates over Jesus to me it has always been the lot of any true visionary to be rejected by the reactionary bourgeoisie
    Qualis noncives pereo! #justiceforcookie #egalitéfraternitécookié #CLM

  2. #2
    Cookiegod's Avatar Primicerius
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    Default Part 1


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    Part 1
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    Hi, let me introduce myself. I'm Abd al-Rahman ibn Mu'awiya ibn Hisham ibn Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan, here to become your next authoritarian overlord. There have been many kings before me, but no Cookie Caliph!

    Why me, you ask?! Well, as the last survivor of the Umayyad's who've been wiped out back home by the Abbasids, I've bravely ran away and made my way from the old Islamic world to the new one and decided to seek my luck here in the former lands of the Vandals (hence Andalusia).


    There's a lot for us to do. Not only long term, but also short term. You can tell by my gaze into the far away distance in the picture below that I'm a man with a vision.


    See, I'm no ordinary tyrant hell-bent on going on a murder rampage through Europe. I'm an enlightened tyrant hell-bent on going on a murder rampage through Europe. I believe in science.


    I shall make Cordoba the center of the worlds 8th century scientific community!


    Researching what a library is seems like a great way to start. Furthermore, one of our researchers suggests there might be alternative ways to deal with infidels than killing them. We shall investigate this bold claim next.

    While this is going on, let's take stock of what we have:


    Our realm is big, which is good, unless...


    ...everyone in our realm hates us. Needing to have lots of armies everywhere to quell rebellions asap will be a pain. We might have to let some of those rebellions succeed first and subjugate the resulting states to save us some trouble. But that's still in the future.


    Apart from the difficulty level and the taxes, we can blame religion for that. Most of our population consists of kuffar. The highest percentage of Muslims anywhere in our realm is 50%.


    In terms of finances, our capital is a bit underwhelming.


    In terms of diplomacy we're doing well. We aren't currently at war with the remaining Christians on the peninsula, though they will surely attack us sooner rather than later, pushing south along the west coast.
    Also we're still fighting the remnants of the old regime, centered in and around Toledo.
    There are some more smaller muslim realms, let's call them taifa's, which we aren't currently at war with.
    We'll conquer them at some point, but currently there's no need. Valencia is currently also at war with Toledo.


    So we make trade agreements with Valencia and Barcelona, and even trick them into pay us up front a little bit of money.


    Once we realise this is a good way to make money, we even make non-aggression pacts for more bucks. We can end them later when we're actually able to expand that much.


    Calatrava, our settlement at the border with valuable gold mines, is within reach of the emir of Toledo. Our own army on the other hand can't make it there within one turn. So a new army is founded.


    Their sole purpose being to recruit all the mercenaries before our enemy does, and help defend it until our main army arrives.


    The main army under my own enlightened leadership meanwhile first goes to another province to recruit the slightly better troops available there. The first building order we give is to improve the barracks there, btw. But until that's done we'll have several more turns. We also order the construction of the first mosque in our realm.


    We also order one of our nobles to board a ship, sail up the western coast and bring us in contact with our neighbours to the north.


    When we're about to end our turn, the civilians object, asking us for their fair share of our enlightened leadership.


    We tell them to take something to read with them when going on the loo, that way they'll become smarter and also always have something to wipe with when they're done (if you have an alternate explanation of an edict that gives both a research and sanitation boost, I'd very much like to hear it).


    While we're at it doing domestic policies we tell one of our leading nobles to apply for chief justice of our high court.


    That way we can reserve the more prestigious title of Vizier for my bastard son, who first needs to get some influence as the governor of our capital province, al-Andalus. By the way... Being the offspring from an extramarital affair when your father is allowed to have an unlimited number of wives is quite an achievement of its own.


    The emir of Toledo immediately goes ahead and sieges our settlement of Calatrava once it's his turn. But he doesn't try to take it right away.


    One forced march by us leading our main army later and he immediately bails.


    But he remains a threat right beyond our border. The mercenaries are immediately disbanded and the army that had garrisoned the town marches west to later recruit more troops if needed.


    Meanwhile, we recruit an assassins who blends in perfectly with the crowd with his very mediterranean look, and we order another noble on board of a ship to explore the Mediterranean. I mean I forgot everything I saw on my way here from Syria.


    Who knows who rules the Balearic islands. The Byzantines?! Never heard of them, lol.


    Internally, our edicts take effect, and our man becomes judge without trouble. We also realise there are serious benefits to be made if we get the percentage of muslims in our realm up to 75%. But that kinda contradicts early expansion.

    This brings us to the first question to be deliberated by you, dear advisors of my council!
    On the one hand, if we continue with our war against Toledo, we might well succeed in taking the city. We will have a very hard time, however, in defending our current realm from rebellions, which will happen everywhere in just about 3-4 more turns. Taking the city will also result in a food shortage, as our current wheat supply is very low. We also won't be able to take Guadalajara if the emir of Valencia also marches off, which, given that he's also already at war with Toledo, he very likely will.

    It seems that we'd be able to peace out from Toledo with a small profit if we offer them one now, and we'll still be able to attack them later once our rebellions have been dealt with, while Toledo and Valencia will drain each others resources, with Toledo being much better equipped to defend Guadalajara so that we can later take it without going to war against our trade partner.
    I shall end for now, and await your counsel.



    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    From Socrates over Jesus to me it has always been the lot of any true visionary to be rejected by the reactionary bourgeoisie
    Qualis noncives pereo! #justiceforcookie #egalitéfraternitécookié #CLM

  3. #3

    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    Holy hell. Here I was expecting not quite a full Cookiegod styled piece of writing, but at least something in that direction. And then I open the very familiar looking contentbox (), and see the first sentences.

    Quote Originally Posted by Caliph al-Cookie
    Hi, let me introduce myself. I'm Abd al-Rahman ibn Mu'awiya ibn Hisham ibn Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan, here to become your next authoritarian overlord. There have been many kings before me, but no Cookie Caliph!
    Such a ridiculous way to begin. But you had me literally laughing out loud, so two points for Hufflepuff, I guess.

    As to the rest of the first entry, I cannot say anything other than that I was laughing at about every second paragraph. Too much silliness, too much use of contemporary slang, too much hilarity. And just to be clear, "too much" is for this, exactly the right amount!

    And now for the serious council: I feel the soul of Caliph al-Cookie is one that delights in subterfuge, and in waiting just long enough for an enemy to think he's a friend before you slap him with a dead fish. As such, I believe his most illustrious Pastriness, Caliph al-Cookie, would be best served by seizing a peace with Toledo, strengthening the interior, then marching on the Christians of the west (with Toledo's aid, if possible), and then ultimately dealing the Taifa of Toledo what in the common tongue is referred to as a "female dog slap". But I am merely a servant, and can only hope my council is to the pleasure of the Caliph's most pointy and well-folded ears.
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  4. #4
    Turkafinwë's Avatar The Sick Baby Vizier
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    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    What fresh hell is this Comic Sans . Only Caliph Al-Cookster would dare to use such haram language.

    As Minister of War Crimes I urge you to keep warring as much as possible. Kafirs are not to be feared and thus will be nothing more than a nuiscance. They will convert or face the scimitar. All true believers should unite under your Doughness as quickly as possible or face extermination. NO PEACE! NO DEAL!

    Also ew religious tolerance:
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Chapter XXXI: Éomer Returns
    #JusticeForAkar #JusticeForCal #JusticeForCookie #JusticeForAthelchan
    [



  5. #5

    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    Well, that's a surprise. Even for me. I spoil all things to you, and what it is that you do in return? Keep secrets, spontaneously start an AAR and even steal the idea of interactivity, for I had planned something similar in the future.
    All forgiven as it features Gaddafi and a very tasty Cookie. Europe and TWC are ready for some cultural enrichment. +rep!

    Let Toledo be and deal with all these conspiracy theorists in your realm. Then, when everyone has been enlightened, the great caliph must do what he can do best: flee once more make his way back home, at least partially, and cement his sovereignty by conquering Sicily, the isle where countless tyrants have been born and made. You do not think your rule would be worth anything without it, do you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Turkafinwë View Post
    What fresh hell is this Comic Sans . Only Caliph Al-Cookster would dare to use such haram language.
    What the...?! I read this AAR on my smartphone. There is no Comic Sans on it. Now I'm on desktop. I do not dare to look. Can I draw back my +rep somehow?
    Last edited by Derc; January 23, 2021 at 09:17 PM. Reason: I obviously can't set tags

  6. #6
    Cookiegod's Avatar Primicerius
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    Default Part 2


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    Part 2
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    "As Minister of War Crimes I urge you to keep warring as much as possible. Kafirs are not to be feared and thus will be nothing more than a nuiscance. They will convert or face the scimitar. All true believers should unite under your Doughness as quickly as possible or face extermination. NO PEACE! NO DEAL!" Turk al-Finweh had said. And these words rang true in the caliphs mind. But after a while, something changed in his mind. Having stared motionless at Turk for a while, the caliph retracted his open hand. He could not trust the wisdom of a man who does not know the power of bribery. Turk having been outvoted 2 reps to 0, the decision was made to make peace with Toledo, and negotiations promptly went ahead.

    My diplomatic skills are unparalleled.

    Ugh.

    Fiiine.

    Well then. Off to pacify my realm.

    And that, kids, is exactly what happened after. The realm got pacified without problems, Cookie did not get swarmed by enemies and annihilated, and the Cookie caliphate became a realm of prosperity. Everything went well, perfect even. I'll spare you the boring details.
    FIN.


    Quote Originally Posted by Eleven al-Kil
    Such a ridiculous way to begin. But you had me literally laughing out loud, so two points for Hufflepuff, I guess.

    As to the rest of the first entry, I cannot say anything other than that I was laughing at about every second paragraph. Too much silliness, too much use of contemporary slang, too much hilarity. And just to be clear, "too much" is for this, exactly the right amount!
    I don't appreciate you ridiculing my work of art.
    Quote Originally Posted by Turk al-Finweh
    What fresh hell is this Comic Sans . Only Caliph Al-Cookster would dare to use such haram language.
    I have followed your advice on that one, oh wise one, and changed the font to something better. I hope you like it!
    Quote Originally Posted by al-C
    What the...?! I read this AAR on my smartphone. There is no Comic Sans on it. Now I'm on desktop. I do not dare to look. Can I draw back my +rep somehow?
    No. But there's this bug in the BB-code that when you rep the next post by the same person in the thread it gives -1 rep instead.


    I have to say guys... Man it feels good having finished two AARs. This journey was an exciting rollercoaster, huh?
    Last edited by Cookiegod; January 26, 2021 at 02:57 AM. Reason: Forgot to change the title



    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    From Socrates over Jesus to me it has always been the lot of any true visionary to be rejected by the reactionary bourgeoisie
    Qualis noncives pereo! #justiceforcookie #egalitéfraternitécookié #CLM

  7. #7

    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    No rep from me. Two posts does not an AAR make. You will show me what happened. Show me in excruciating detail! SHOW ME!

    Also, are you actually "done" with this now? Like, is this a grand trolling of your faithful fanbase? I wouldn't put such tomfoolery beyond you, but I also didn't think you had the courage to be so bold.
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  8. #8
    Turkafinwë's Avatar The Sick Baby Vizier
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    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    Are you sure it's boldness al-Kil or is it mere foolishness.

    I will not be thwarted by some unfounded bribes. As Minister of War Crimes I demand, DEMAND, more wars. You know what war crimes are without war? That's right. Just crimes and I don't deal in common transgressions.

    PS: Papyrus <3

    Chapter XXXI: Éomer Returns
    #JusticeForAkar #JusticeForCal #JusticeForCookie #JusticeForAthelchan
    [



  9. #9

    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    I enjoyed this!

  10. #10
    Alwyn's Avatar Frothy Goodness
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    Default Re: Cookie Caliphate [Interactive]

    Nicely done, I particularly like the reference to the 'Brave Sir Robin' song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. May the Cookie Caliphate continue to prosper!

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