Can you believe this little prick?

[Roma_Victrix]

Yeah, [sniffs hard, scarfs down two Bruschetta antipasto appetizer rolls in a row], so get this, one time a few years back, I saw a firefight like you wouldn't ing believe.

So I'm sitting at this bar in Atlantic City, right? Just playing cards with that "Municipal Waste" singer Tony Foresta who brought along his buddy John Travolta. We were waiting like an hour for his pals Steve Buscemi and Martin Scorsese to finally show up with the goddamn stogies so we could spark up a few Cubans and wager the remaining fifteen that were left in the cigar box, you know, to the victor goes the spoils after a few rounds of poker.

So anyways, me, Foresta, Travolta, Buscemi, and Scorsese barely had time to order a drink and say salud before things suddenly got hairier than Danny DeVito trying to wax a pack of silverback gorillas. Out of freaking nowhere Quentin Tarantino and Robert De Niro burst through the front doors while Paul Giamatti and a drunken Joe Pesci come barging through the side entrance like they own the place, flanking us on both sides and pulling out antique Tommy Guns and Kalashnikovs they'd been hiding in their trench coats.

So all hell breaks loose, I'm talking glass shrapnel from liquor bottles flying everywhere, big gobs of gabagool spraying all over the sleeves of my sportscoat. It was a total freaking mess but luckily, like a Christmas ing miracle, nobody got seriously injured aside from minor grazing across the arms or legs from slugs that otherwise would have ended just about any wise guy if they'd been aimed properly at center mass. This was like the sequel to the St. Valentine's Day Massacre and all we had were a couple a Glocks and Berettas to return fire.

We probably would a been six feet under had it not been for James Gandolfini rushing in moments later with Stanley Tucci, telling us to hold fire and scolding Tarantino, De Niro, Giamatti and Pesci, calling them a bunch of knuckleheads and numbskulls for lighting up the wrong ing bar. Apparently a few minutes before they entered the place they got tipped off with false info from that Anthrax drummer Charlie Benante while he was busy giving his girlfriend at the time Ariana Grande a bunch of hickeys, slobbering all over her like a baboon. Just like that malaka half-Greek freak drummer Tommy Lee, this guy was a real sex hound, even if he was most likely lying his ass off about getting Janeane Garafolo, Rene Russo, Alexandra Daddario, Alyssa Milano, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Tea Leoni, Linda Cardellini and Marisa Tomei to have an orgy back at his place when they were barely wasted.

Turns out Benante's a natural born liar, the little prick, never understood why that singer Joey Belladonna trusted the guy. So Tarantino, De Niro, Giamatti and Pesci were supposed to hit the bar across the street. They were gonna walk in there and give Paul Sorvino, Ray Romano, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Mark Ruffalo a quadruple dose of lead sandwiches. Capeesh? However, Benante tipped them off and they scrammed before the hit team could finish the job. So when we realized it was all just a big misunderstanding Buscemi told me, Scorsese, Foresta, and Travolta to suck it up and act like professionals, so we got out of there with Tarantino, De Niro, Giamatti and Pesci before the cops could arrive and throw us in the slammer.

We needed some place to finish our betting game on the cigars, so we all headed over to Scott Baio's house where he was already playing pool in the basement with Ray Liotta, Tony Danza, Joey Pantoliano, Francis Ford Coppola, his daughter Sofia Coppola, and wouldn't you believe it, his nephew Nicolas Coppola, although you might know that crazy freaking pazzo by his stage name, Nicholas Cage. Unbelievable, that little prick, he won every round of poker and not only won all the Cuban cigars but even weaseled us out of $4,000 each before we decided to throw in the towel. Turns out he owed his bookie now Secretary of State Mike Pompeo a bunch of dough and it wouldn't surprise me if he cheated every round of poker to get it for him.

So anyway, keep an eye out for Benante, the guy's about as slick as a baby seal covered in Sylvester Stallone's hair gel going down a slippery slide at a freaking water park. We'll whack him one of these days. Too bad Gandolfini's no longer with us, rest in peace tough guy, shame he won't be around to see it.

CAST OF CHARACTERS, GUIDOS AND WOPS, IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE:

[Akar]

tldr

[Cookiegod]

0/10 didn't even mention me once

[Septentrionalis]

I once seriously considered participating in a public name dropping competition. Right now I am not sure if I am top material after all.

[Akar]

More like a pubic name dropping competition.

[Septentrionalis]

More like a pubic name dropping competition.

Well I can't believe this one.

[Akar]

Speaking of name dropping, it reminds me of the time I saw Tom Hanks at the grocery store.
I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

[Turkafinwë]

That was Anthony Hopkins disguised as Tom Hanks. Keep a close eye on your wallet gents

[Septentrionalis]

Understanding that the above may not be a completely truthful testimony, I would not be surprised if something like that took place. Those famous actors may have a slightly skewed view of personal importance and achievement in this world. They enjoy so much attention, adulation and lavish incomes but are just entertainers with often unimpressing education. Modern-day jesters, of sorts. But without having to write their own jokes.

If he was holding fifteen of the 200,000 light years wide Milky Ways, I take my words back. The man is obviously a deity. But then I wonder where you do your shopping.

[Septentrionalis]

By the way, I started feeling like some pasta fasul (pasta e fagioli) at having read about two thirds of Roma_Victricis opening post. I hope that is not racist.

[Derc]

[Flinn]

By the way, I started feeling like some pasta fasul (pasta e fagioli) at having read about two thirds of Roma_Victricis opening post. I hope that is not racist.

You'll get news from my Seconds about the time of the duel, sir

[Septentrionalis]

You'll get news from my Seconds about the time of the duel, sir

First I was like "oh wow, I'm going to hear about some great secondi piatti to go with my pasta", but then I realized I am in trouble.

[Sir Adrian]

Something something Tony Sirico.

[King Athelstan]

Why did you post so many images of the same person?

[Septentrionalis]

Why did you post so many images of the same person?

Paul Giamatti, Steve Buscemi, and Leo DiCaprio stood out as not looking like real Guidos to me. The rest look like Flinn alright. I had to check Wikipedia, it turns out that all three are half or more Germanic.

[Roma_Victrix]

Why did you post so many images of the same person?

You kid and laugh, but seriously you'd have to be fairly black out drunk to see Nicholas Cage and Quentin Tarantino as the same guy, ditto for Mike Pompeo and Tony Foresta, or even Joe Pantaliano versus James Gandolfini.
The two most similar looking are probably Scott Baio and Tony Danza.
Scorsese has the most cartoonish stereotypical Italian eyebrow look by far.

Paul Giamatti, Steve Buscemi, and Leo DiCaprio stood out as not looking like real Guidos to me. The rest look like Flinn alright. I had to check Wikipedia, it turns out that all three are half or more Germanic.

That's because America is filled with a bunch of generally darker featured southern Italians & Sicilians who fled the poverty of the old country, while most of the northern Italians who skew towards lighter features were wealthy enough to stay in place while enjoying their Gucci apparel and Maserati sports cars.

I should know, I've been to several places in Italy, including Rome, Florence, and Milan. People further north tend to look more like the Swiss or Austrians (no big surprise, since northern Italy was Gallic Celtic when the Romans conquered it in the 3rd century BC and later settled by the Lombards). Case in point, that Italian broad Chiara Ferragni and her entire family probably wouldn't look out of place in Germany:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/27/65...34ff7d808a.jpg

tldr

Quit talking about my genitals.

0/10 didn't even mention me once

That's because you're a kraut, not a wop!

I once seriously considered participating in a public name dropping competition. Right now I am not sure if I am top material after all.

You can still do it! Anything is possible if you say "Eh!" enough times like 70s Travolta wearing a leather jacket with both thumbs sticking up and index fingers pointed foreward.

That was Anthony Hopkins disguised as Tom Hanks. Keep a close eye on your wallet gents

Yeah, it's simply not possible for Tom Hanks and Anthony Hopkins to have done this at the same convenience store. The only explanation is that they are the same person with multiple personalities and very expensive exchangeable body suits, makeup, and wig models.

You'll get news from my Seconds about the time of the duel, sir

When the Yoda version of Silvio Berlusconi challenges you to a duel, that's when you know just got very real, yo.

Something something Tony Sirico.

I was thinking about including the entire Sopranos cast, but that would have been excessive.

[Cookiegod]

Ye people in northern Italy have more people with lighter hair. But you can still tell the difference to Germs. Oh and Sicily aka pygmee island is hilarious.
Still remember an interaction when we got some Italian neighbours that had just moved in and who were all rather small. My 2m tall father asked right away if they were from Sicily, and they asked back how he knew. He was too polite to answer.

Also I'm very much Unkraut thank you very much, though I do blame that one German great grandfather for my racism.

[Flinn]

Paul Giamatti, Steve Buscemi, and Leo DiCaprio stood out as not looking like real Guidos to me. The rest look like Flinn alright. I had to check Wikipedia, it turns out that all three are half or more Germanic.

Damn, the boy here really wants to wake up as a dead dude, doesn't he? What a waste, he was such a fine lad...

I'd have sex with all her family, included the father

Ye people in northern Italy have more people with lighter hair. But you can still tell the difference to Germs. Oh and Sicily aka pygmee island is hilarious.
Still remember an interaction when we got some Italian neighbours that had just moved in and who were all rather small. My 2m tall father asked right away if they were from Sicily, and they asked back how he knew. He was too polite to answer.

Also I'm very much Unkraut thank you very much, though I do blame that one German great grandfather for my racism.

you don't know about the "L" rule, do you? No of course, how you could ...

[Roma_Victrix]

Ye people in northern Italy have more people with lighter hair. But you can still tell the difference to Germs. Oh and Sicily aka pygmee island is hilarious.
Still remember an interaction when we got some Italian neighbours that had just moved in and who were all rather small. My 2m tall father asked right away if they were from Sicily, and they asked back how he knew. He was too polite to answer.

Also I'm very much Unkraut thank you very much, though I do blame that one German great grandfather for my racism.

Hey, I take umbrage at this idea, since I'm part Sicilian, 5'11 in height and my ancestors in old family photo albums look significantly taller than pygmees.
Funny enough that Metatron guy on Youtube is an Italian from Sicily:


Excuse me, I was under the impression you were a Kraut. My apologies, but your great grandfather really shines through.

I'd have sex with all her family, included the father

: That's exactly what I needed to hear today, Flinn's plans to have an orgy with the entire Ferragni clan.

If you're in Rome, she's not that far away, probably just a few hours drive from there to Cremona where her extended family lives, while she lives in Milan.