Crusader Kings 3 AAR - House de Villaret

**Tigellinus** · November 26, 2020, 05:51 PM

Hello all,

It's been quite a while. A year and a half, I believe. Tragically University is.... stressful, plus this year has been a rather large bag of manure for everyone, I think we'll all agree!

It is a beautiful day outside, and after venturing out and - almost

- suffering from heat stroke, I have decided to shut myself inside for the day. Time will tell if this is a positive or not!

Crusader Kings III is a game most, if not all, of you know already. Came out in September. After a particular game a few days ago where my character created a family circle by bedding his sons' wives, and following it with killing his children in jealous rages and then completely glossing over his wife's death - she was ostensibly his soulmate. I decided that CKIII may just be wacky and weird enough to write about, what with all the unexpected shenanigans.

Fair warning, I haven't written anything except essays for about a year. This will also be quite different from what I have previously written on these forums. I want to try something a bit more laid back than my usual heavy narrative AARs and stories.

I guess we'll see how this goes!

.................................................................

We will be playing as Count Amadeus of Provence, beginning in the year 867. In a grand nod to my real-life self, he is both temperate and honest. Things I am not.
I have yet to decide whether he looks more like Gollum or Henry Cavill. Two sexy fictional characters as possible inspiration, such fun!

First post should be out soon. I hope you enjoy this cursed AAR as I take Gollum - hopefully - to Kingship, and the de Villarets to somewhere where they can live in peace and harmony. Hopefully I don't set the world on fire in the process.

**Tigellinus** · November 26, 2020, 07:23 PM

Chapter One - A Stork, a Maiden Fair and a Demonic Child

867-868

Gollum is looking mighty fine.

Hello, I am Count Amadeus of Provence and Forxaquir, no, Foralquier. No, that isn't right either. Fordquire?

Whatever. The other place.

Remembering what this County was called took me far too long.

As I was saying.

I am Amadeus, a Count. A Noble. I descend from only the most ancient of lineages and ancestry. No, I did not draw up this banner last night frantically when I realised I had to show it in public. No, I did not drunkenly stumble into being a count.

And YES I have parents!

@Paradox, love the ruler designer. But for the love of everything Holy and Good. Please, please, add something other than a randomiser for Dynasty Symbols. Took me an hour to find one I thought was half decent.

First thing's first. I need to get a wife.

I marry a twenty-two year old Croatian woman. I need all the help I can get, so I want my children to be robust and.... fecund? I want my children to be fecund? Really?

Well, alright. I'm sure this won't backfire horribly.

It Will.

The second thing I need to take care of is my finances. Tragically 25 ducats is worth about as much as a goat.

I don’t need, or want, a goat. I want a crown. So I’m going to need to get rich.

Thankfully, being the temperate and honest and virtuous paragon I am. The Pope obliges my request for a tax rebate.

If only I could get a tax rebate in real life.

I feel like I’m forgetting something, something important. Something integral to my life and –

Oh! Lifestyles!

Being the glorious paragon and head of House de Villaret, I am going to focus on Chivalry and becoming Gallant. Who cares about money when I can solve all my problems with death?

Also, it turns out my wife is actually nineteen and not twenty-two. Huh. The small details you miss.

Well, I said I was a paragon of virtue. Not that I was smart. Or that I paid any attention to my wife.

I may regret not paying her attention. But, so what? Wife is like pet, if I feed her she will be happy. Maybe take her for a walk every now and again.

Right?

See! She’s already pregnant! I am a great husband! Best husband!

I've already done one manly thing today, got my wife pregnant. Now to follow it up with something even better!

To prove how manly I am, I sing softly to a horse to calm it down.

And it works?

Damn it. I really needed an excuse for the way I look. A horse kicking me in the face is at least believable.

I really wish it would have told me that I had a new liege and wasn't just a vassal to the King.

My infallible King recognises my extreme talent and requests I be seated on his council.

Hold on, Duke Angilbotto of Provence wants me on his council?

Never. Mind. My. King. Is. An. Idiot.

I promptly accept.

In wake of my wife’s pregnancy, and being told that treating my wife like she is a pet is a bad thing. I decide to do something else.

I will make her love me.

By singing a love ballad?
I have the voice of an angel. I am strong, and wise, and beautiful and deserve happiness.
Alrighty Kriemgremlin, let’s do this.

I continue to flirt with her, and she sends me a cute little poem in return! Amadeus may have some luck with getting his wife to tolerate his presence after all!

That’s….. That’s not how astronomy works, dear.

Maybe she’s the one who needs help. But, honestly, she could not choose a worse person to get help from. Do I look like someone that knows anything more than the basics of life? I know how to swing my sword, that's all. Sometimes people die, sometimes they don't. Science is beneath my noble and virtuous notice.

After my wife’s cunning plan to send me adoring poems to make me scared, I decide to sort out my Council and make them all competent.
Now everyone is competent except me. And my Bishop. But, alas, that’s to be expected.

Oooooh? A night without sleep? Sounds enticing. Sounds raunchy!

Oh.

Sorry. You want ME to watch you sleep?

Well, that sounds a lot less enjoyable than what I had in mind.

I succeeded, though, for the next two years I will remain sleep deprived.
Not worth it. Not worth it at all.

I decide to again focus on getting rich. So, I leave my castle and enter a random forest. Everyone knows forests have magical beings that horde wealth. Pots of Gold. Rainbows. All of that, right?

Good God that doesn’t look very happy and rainbowy.

But I like money.

We find an ancient ruin, which saves me from financial ruin. And while my peasants are terrified of ghosts, I am educated well-enough to know that ghosts do exist. But they don’t care about the peasantry. Only the Nobles. If we do bad things we’ll get possessed. It’s terrifying.

Feels good though.

Anyway, we venture inside and I stumble upon 75 gold pieces.

Now I have enough for multiple goats.

I decide that I need to make more money, so I invest in the farmlands of Provence. As the tooltip says, these peasants will give me everything they have. And I, I, will be rich.

It is around this time that my wife gives birth to…. A daughter.

After arguing with her about throwing it in to the sea, we decided to name it Juliana and let it stay.

I say it because that thing is most certainly possessed by the Devil. There is no doubt in my mind. It is Lucifer reborn. Look. At. It.

And then I declare war on Duke Angilbotto, firstly because what is that name? Secondly, because he only has a singular county and doesn’t deserve to rule over me. I should be Duke, I am virtuous and brilliant and the Pope loves me, which means God loves me.

With that said, to war we march. To darkness and death.

What will come next? Nobody knows, except me, the omnipotent God of this world.

I warned you, did I not? That demonic child.

Look at us, one small, not happy, family. Amadeus looks like he wants to drown himself. Kriemhild looks sincerely unimpressed and as if she wants to return to Croatia where children didn't levitate like demon spawn.

Until next time!

**Tigellinus** · November 27, 2020, 02:35 AM

As of yet, I do not know why some images are regular sized and others are massive. But, I am working on sorting it out!

**Flinn** · November 27, 2020, 03:33 AM

Fantastic first chapter

and welcome back of course!

**Turkafinwë** · November 27, 2020, 09:53 AM

I have been waiting for a wacky CKIII AAR ever since its release and here it is. They really should implement a button that chucks your child into the sea. It would be horribly overpowered but let's be honest, nobody plays CKIII or CKII for that matter for hardcore play. We all know the appeal of Crusader Kings. All I'm gonna say is it rhymes with courses and infest.

Rock me Amadeus. Amadeus. Amadeus. Amadeus.

**Alwyn** · November 29, 2020, 10:05 AM

Welcome back! I'm enjoying seeing our noble Count become a husband, a father and possibly an owner of several goats. I'm a little concerned about the planned war, as I haven't noticed Count Amadeus recruting any troops (but I don't know how this game works, maybe it's automatic or can happen very quickly, or something I haven't thought of).

**Tigellinus** · November 29, 2020, 07:05 PM

@Flinn

Thanks! It is good to be back!

@Turkafinwe

Yes, I've been waiting as well. I've found a few fantastic ones on the Paradox forums, but I've always wanted to write a CKII AAR. Now I can write a CKIII AAR with this insane monster of a game.
And the "Into the sea" comment is actually thanks to a friend of mine. It was her (very sarcastic) response to her parents when they asked her what she'd do if she got pregnant. I told her I'd steal it, and now I officially have!

@Alwyn: thankfully in CKIII you have a number of Knights and Levies and Men-at-Arms regiments. You get Levies just from having counties, but Knights and Men-at-Arms are recruitable. (I'll show a screenshot of our armed forces after the next chapter is up!)

I'm definitely loving Crusader Kings III, though it does lack some of the polish of its predecessor. I'm sure Paradox will fix the few issues and make this into a truly phenomenal game.

**Tigellinus** · November 29, 2020, 07:14 PM

Chapter Two: War and Hell

The war has begun.

But, before I can focus my attention on the conflict ahead, I must deal with this correspondence from a fellow vassal.

The Prince-Bishop of Nice, a man who is currently at war with me due to owing fealty to Duke Angilbotto.

He wants to be my friend?

Well, fine. I’ve never had one of those. And he’s the Prince Bishop of Nice. Considering he’s the only other landed man in this Duchy, I will one day rule over him. Probably after this war.

Him being my friend sounds delightful, and useful!

Best friend.

“Go on a hunt”, they said.

“It’ll be fun”, they said.

Now look at me. My wife’s getting attacked by a bear or something.

A bear! And she wants me to save her from that? Have you seen a bear? It will eat us both.

Well, sod it. I better at least look like I’m trying to save her.

Oh! It was a wolf! Well that’s much less terrifying.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wolf? Not wolves? Don’t they always hunt in packs?

Oh, grand. We’re all going to die anyway.

Yes, yes, I’m very heroic. Whatever. Give me your adulation.

Acting like I was heroic and willing to fight a bear for my wife has made me a stalwart leader of men. I can now inspire my soldiers to fight to the last, to hold the line on the barest scrap of morale and to die for me in droves.

Well, actually, it just makes me better at killing people. But it sounds grander to say “stalwart leader of men” so I’m going with that.

Kriemhild gains the trait pregnant. I…. I didn’t know that pregnant was a personality trait. When I ask Kriemhild if being pregnant really changed the way she felt and acted, her response was strange.

She growled at me.

This terrifies me so much I instantly pass out and then wake up leading the siege of Venaissin.

Not another demon spawn. Please, Lord. Not another.

My enviable leadership makes all the difference, and the siege is over in record time. I truly am amazing.

The war will be over soon.

Venaissin is the Duchy Capital of Provence. This fact makes absolutely no sense. I would have thought the county of Provence would be the capital of Provence. But, whatever.

Anyway, this is important.

Duke Anglibotto only has a single county. Once I take it from him, he should become landless and the King should immediately strip him of his Ducal title and should promptly pass it on to me.

Really, that is the King’s only choice. If he gives it to my ‘friend’ the Prince-Bishop, I’ll just take it away from him.

Like taking babies from a candy.

Duke Angilbotto has retreated, he and his levies are heading for Nice. My troops and I are in hot pursuit. But this is interrupted by two of my commanders coming to me with very different plans.

Geoffrey, desires to charge our enemies head on and crush them with overwhelming force. I neglect to inform him that we can barely field a-thousand soldiers and that the enemies that surround us are far stronger.

Charles, ever the patient man, wants us to secure key locations and wait for our enemies to advance on us.

These both sound pretty awful, so I use my genius to save their egos and tell them both that I know how to combine their strategies into one.

We will wait for our enemy. And then charge them with overwhelming force that we don’t have.

My plan is sound. I can prove it, too.

I also grew a beard because I am so manly.

See? We annihilate Duke Angilbotto’s army, and even capture his own demon-spawn.

He must be more attached to his than I am to mine, because he is immediately prepared to surrender in return for his child’s safe return.

Cocky vassal? Excuse me?

I am Count Amadeus of Provence, the Brave, the Temperate, the Honest and Humble and Virtuous. I am a mighty lion.

Plus, I just annihilated you in a war. Whatever aura of superiority you think I have, it’s damn well warranted.

Petty man. I should lock you up and have you hanged. I should –

What? I have a son? And he’s quick?

How did that happen?

Chancellor Geoffrey informs that I am quick. I personally don’t think I’m any faster than anyone else. But I like his compliment. So I thank him.

When I ask Kriemhild how they know that our boy goes fast, she is very confused.

“Sigh” My poor wife. Fecund and robust she may be. But she is not the sharpest sword in the armoury.

I ask her what she named him, and she tells me she wants to call him Tibaud.

Saying that name makes me sound like I’m going to throw up. So I quickly veto that and tell the midwife that we’re calling him Amadeus.

Having her wishes promptly squashed and made meaningless, my wife tells me she has a headache and needs to rest. I walk away, happy that my name will live on after I’m dead.

Oh, right, I have a daughter, too.

I go to check on Juliana.

It’s a quick walk through the castle. But as I get closer to her room, everything darkens. The world itself seems to drain of light and life.

I open the door to her chambers, and she looks me squarely in the eyes, levitating off the floor.

“Hello, father,” my year-old-daughter sounds like a man whose inhaled too much campfire smoke.

“Ah,” I say smartly.

I forgot she does this.

“Has your war been won? Have you extended my domain?” She floats in perfect motionless. Her mouth doesn’t even move when the words reach me. But her eyes dance with hell-fire and her eyes glow red.

“Well, you have a baby brother now. So, uh, technically, you’ll get nothing.”

The unholy sound that erupts from Juliana sends me to the ground. The glass around me shatters, and it falls around me, forming a perfect sigil of Baphomet.

“MY DOMAIN, FATHER, IT IS MY DOMAIN.”

I yelp a yes at my daughter and flee the room as a storm begins to brew around her. I shut the door as I leave and quickly decide I need to speak with Bishop Ceolnoth. Or maybe even my new friend the Prince-Bishop about my daughter being, only potentially, the Devil Himself.

I rush to Chancellor Geoffrey and request he write a letter to Prince-Bishop Benadicto requesting religious advice.

He stares at me, confused

“Prince-Bishop Benadicto of Nice, my lord?”

“Yes, yes. The man you talked into being my only friend.”

He looks at me, eyes awash with doubt and empty of intelligence.

“My Lord, there is no Prince-Bishop of Nice. There never has been.”

I stand in silence. What the Hell is going on?

“There is only Duke Angilbotto of Nice and Provence.”

As I digest and process the information, he flicks a letter from his coat-pocket and hands it to me.

“My lord, your liege, Duke Angilbotto, is requesting you join his council. He also writes that you are abhorrent. He does not like you, to put it simply.”

Well, I’ll admit I didn’t think that the game would do that. Well, crap. I have a demonic first-born, a very fast son, and a Duke that can erase people from existence. This is fine.

……………………….

For anyone who wants to listen to what I envision Demon Child Julianna sounding like. Watch this, skip to 1:06 and you’ll get the perfect representation of what she sounds like when she gets mad.

Also, I don’t know enough about the Sigil of Baphomet to really tell you anything about it. It’s apparently quite a recent symbol of Satanism, whilst before the Sigil mainly upside-down Crosses were used to symbolise Satanism.

**Swaeft** · December 02, 2020, 08:46 PM

Amazing stuff, loving the humor man. And of course, welcome back! Great to see you in action again

**Hitai de Bodemloze** · December 04, 2020, 12:11 AM

Good stuff! Although without Benadicto around it sounds like you're going to struggle getting the old priest and young priest you're going to need for that daughter of yours..