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Thread: Parody Units

  1. #21

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Flaming Pantodapoi: Set ablaze and rushed into the enemy lines, they frighten the foot and the horse.
    Furthermore, I believe that Rome must be destroyed.


  2. #22

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Pantodapoi Kataphractoi

    ”if we can train them to be phalangites...”

  3. #23

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Krampus View Post
    Pantodapoi Kataphractoi

    ”if we can train them to be phalangites...”
    *Looks at pantodapoi.*
    *Looks at pantodapoi phalangitai*

    At this point even Pantodapoi Hypaspistai wouldn't be a stretch.
    Furthermore, I believe that Rome must be destroyed.


  4. #24

    Default Re: Parody Units

    What's better than Hyperaspistai? Uberaspistai. They don't even use a sword or spear, each just carries two shields and bashes enemies with them.

  5. #25

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Sar1n View Post
    What's better than Hyperaspistai? Uberaspistai. They don't even use a sword or spear, each just carries two shields and bashes enemies with them.
    You're thinking of the infamous duothureophoroi, later replaced by the even more infamous duokaidekathureophoroi. Zero attack, but can hold a line like nobody ... and have the charge bonus of an armoured elephant.

  6. #26

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Need to have the modesty option apply to all units.

    Make horses wear pants.

  7. #27

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Code:
    Skill upgrade tree:
    Pantodapoi -> Pantodapoi Phalangitai -> Agema Pantodapoi Phalangitai
                     -> Thureopantodapoi ->Duothureopantodapoi
                                                     -> Thorapantodapoi -> Pantodapoi Kataphraktoi
                     -> Pantodapoi Penal Battalion -> Flaming Pantodapoi
                     -> Exempt Landowning Citizen
    Last edited by Shoebopp; August 21, 2020 at 06:41 PM.

  8. #28

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    I recall this being one of the first uses of chemical warfare, although there are earlier instances from ancient Greece where literal wells were poisoned and the Spartans choked Athenians with noxious fumes of burning sulfur at the walls of their city. Alexander the Great also recounted how some armies in ancient Punjab, Pakistan/India, used poison arrows. The Chinese apparently utilized chemical warfare long before even this incident in the Yellow Turban Rebellion during the Eastern Han dynasty. The Mohists of China's Warring States period apparently used arsenic and burning balls of toxic plant ingredients to choke sappers building tunnels beneath the walls of cities during sieges. The Sasanian Persians apparently used similar tactics with sulfur dioxide at the siege of Dura-Europos when fighting the Roman Empire and taking the city from them in the 3rd century AD.
    Good warfare is good warfare (or perhaps powerful would be a better word.) IIRC most premodern chemical warfare was restricted to being a subset of siege warfare, and instances like these were rare exceptions.

    One thing that interests me is why these unmanned crossbow and lime (some wagons were stuffed with lime instead of having crossbows mounted) wagons weren't deployed more often. There have been plenty of situations where blinding the enemy should come in handy, even if the linkage-powered crossbows require too much technical proficiency. I suppose smoke served the purpose better without taking up a limited resource.

    Quote Originally Posted by Satapatiš View Post
    Thigh-flashers: An all-female unit only recruitable for KH in Sparta. Lower morale for all Hellenic units unless they're Spartan hoplites.
    The Spartan women flashed a lot more than their thighs...

  9. #29
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Krampus View Post
    Need to have the modesty option apply to all units.

    Make horses wear pants.
    This is perhaps the best one. Too bad TWC won't let me rep you for this.

  10. #30

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by BailianSteel View Post
    The Spartan women flashed a lot more than their thighs...
    Thigh-flasher is an actual derogatory term other Greeks were using for them.
    Furthermore, I believe that Rome must be destroyed.


  11. #31
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    All Greek units, or at least all Spartan units for Koinon Hellenon, must have their faces remodeled to look like the Ancient Aliens guy Giorgios A. Tsoukalas.


  12. #32

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Gymnoi Pantodapoi (Hellenistic Naked Levy Spearmen)

    Characteristics: Like normal Pantodapoi but zero armour. Frightens nearby enemies. Frightens nearby allies.

    "You put on that cloak, young man. I won't have my boy look like one of those hairy barbaroi. And anyway, running around naked with a spear does not make you a keltos."
    "But mum, Megas Alexandros said that any good barbarian ..."
    "I don't care what Margos Alexandros said. Look where it got him. Like vultures they fought over his body. I won't have that in my family."
    "That's a bit of a non-sequitur, mum."
    "Now look at you, speaking Latin and all, like one of those filthy Italic tribes."

    _____

    Kakophraktoi (Rather Mediocre Partially Armoured Horsemen)

    Characteristics: Like Kataphraktoi, just a lot less impressive.

    "Having a horse and a few spare pieces of armour does not imply that you're destined for greatness."

    _____

    As the Roman Republic expanded, Rome alone was no longer able to provide enough troops, so the people of Rome looked to their Italian allies, and their friends, and ... and that guy you once met while getting drunk in Hekatompylos.

    Comites Amici Sociorum Noti (Companions of a Friend of an Acquaintance's Allies)

    "How's that new consulship of yours coming along?"
    "Great, great. ... I'm actually planning a military campaign to Trans-Altai Gaul."
    "Trans-Alt... um ... ."
    "Spare any troops?"
    "Sadly I can't. But I think I have a friend of a friend who knows someone who's worked with a couple of mercenaries in the area before."
    Last edited by Neyak; August 24, 2020 at 02:33 PM.

  13. #33
    Grimmy's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Some will, no doubt, believe this proposed unit is too late in history to be viable, but...

    The idea of spinning spinning spinning to get one's head right is an old and ancient practice (as well as the reason for the invention of spinny bar stools and office chairs).
    Therefore, I propose the creation of the Whirling Dervishes of Death with their Blizzard of Blades spinning attack that slices, dices, chops, shreds, bends folds, spindles and mutilates all who come against it.

  14. #34
    Grimmy's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    And be dressed in lavender.

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    All Greek units, or at least all Spartan units for Koinon Hellenon, must have their faces remodeled to look like the Ancient Aliens guy Giorgios A. Tsoukalas.


  15. #35
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    I take that back. Tsoukalas should only be used for light infantry units like Akontistai and Toxotai.
    All Spartan units should look like former US Vice President Spiro Agnew (Greek American guy serving under Nixon).
    All other Hellenistic Greek units should have one of three facial models: Zach Galafianakis, John Stamos, or George Stephanopoulos.



  16. #36

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    I take that back. Tsoukalas should only be used for light infantry units like Akontistai and Toxotai.
    All Spartan units should look like former US Vice President Spiro Agnew (Greek American guy serving under Nixon).
    All other Hellenistic Greek units should have one of three facial models: Zach Galafianakis, John Stamos, or George Stephanopoulos.


    Peltastai Galafianakikoi

  17. #37
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Krampus View Post
    Peltastai Galafianakikoi
    Nice.

    That could be a unit where he chucks or launches beer cans at you.

    Alternatively, he could force his enemies to swallow sleeping pills (Rohypnol), per his character in The Hangover.

  18. #38
    Frtigern's Avatar Tiro
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    I would like to see drug-crazed units either to be whipped into a frenzy, make them fearless or make them feel full of strength and power! Below I list the most probable drugs that could be found during this period.

    The Opiorum Guard - The special guard of the Emperor's opium. As part of their compensation, a daily allotment of opos (opium) is given to them. As part of their initiation, those chosen are from the best legionaries from the 1st Cohorts of the front line legions, selected to take an appropriate 'fighting dose' of opos and survive their next battle. Sometimes too impetuous due to the lack of feeling when injured, they are put on the farthest left of the first line to maximize their impact.

    The Eleusinian Guard - The guard of the Sanctuary of Eleusis and the Eleusinian Mysteries. They are formed into two distinct formations, Demeter's Hunters and Persephone's Immortals. The Hunters are children of the untamed world where civility meets chaos, master archers, every one of their arrows guided by Demeter herself, meaning their arrows always find their target. The Immortals are warriors who were taken in as children, raised and trained as Spartans, but with quite different training and rituals. In exchange for their loyalty to Persephone, they are promised immortality. Legends have it, they still exist and continue to protect the mysteries. Both formations partake in special rites where they drink a Kykeon with a specific ratio of wine infused barley ergot or amanita muscaria, giving the user a transcendent experience, akin to communing with the Gods.

    The Sabaean Qat Warriors - Loyal formation of favored warriors given as much Khat as they can chew. Has a highly stimulating effect.

    The Persian Harmal Warriors - Loyal formation of favored warriors given as much Harmal (Syrian rue) as they can consume. Has a hallucinogenic affect, connecting with the divinity of their Gods.
    Last edited by Frtigern; September 14, 2020 at 06:27 PM.
    Swords don't kill people, people with swords kill people.

  19. #39

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Frtigern View Post
    I would like to see drug-crazed units either to be whipped into a frenzy, make them fearless or make them feel full of strength and power! Below I list the most probable drugs that could be found during this period.

    The Opiorum Guard - The special guard of the Emperor's opium. As part of their compensation, a daily allotment of opos (opium) is given to them. As part of their initiation, those chosen are from the best legionaries from the 1st Cohorts of the front line legions, selected to take an appropriate 'fighting dose' of opos and survive their next battle. Sometimes too impetuous due to the lack of feeling when injured, they are put on the farthest left of the first line to maximize their impact.

    The Eleusinian Guard - The guard of the Sanctuary of Eleusis and the Eleusinian Mysteries. They are formed into two distinct formations, Demeter's Hunters and Persephone's Immortals. The Hunters are children of the untamed world where civility meets chaos, master archers, every one of their arrows guided by Demeter herself, meaning their arrows always find their target. The Immortals are warriors who were taken in as children, raised and trained as Spartans, but with quite different training and rituals. In exchange for their loyalty to Persephone, they are promised immortality. Legends have it, they still exist and continue to protect the mysteries. Both formations partake in special rites where they drink a Kykeon with a specific ratio of wine infused barley ergot or amanita muscaria, giving the user a transcendent experience, akin to communing with the Gods.

    The Sabaean Qat Warriors - Loyal formation of favored warriors given as much Khat as they can chew. Has a highly stimulating effect.

    The Persian Harmal Warriors - Loyal formation of favored warriors given as much Harmal (Syrian rue) as they can consume. Has a hallucinogenic affect, connecting with the divinity of their Gods.
    A historical reason to introduce more morale_lock units. Beautiful

  20. #40

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Illegitimate Swordsmen: recruitable from Northeastern Iberia. They are missing battle sprites and will crash the game if you zoom out too much

    British Horse Archers: in honor of EBI's Goidelic sledgehammer dudes, these mounted archers will completely ruin the Western Europe metagame

    Mounted Goidelic Sledgehammer Dudes: cavalry with a 20 ap attack

    Unionized Indian Guild Warriors: in honor of EBI's foolishly non-unionized Indian Guild Warriors, these troops are identical to their predecessors but demand twice the salary

    Helleno-Indo-Parthian-Iranian-Sakan Cavalry: a unit that exists in the 5th dimension, and embodies every dominant culture that has spread to the Afghanistan region in Antiquity, but at the same time

    Indo-European Infantry: since Indo-European speaking peoples encompass virtually the entirety of EBII's map, this unit is literally one of every unit type in the game randomly chosen and smashed into a single unit. Performance may vary wildly

    LAPD Armored Escort: a cataphract unit which, when garrisoned in a settlement, automatically enlists it in the Troublesome Regions script

    Remunerated Elephants: after years of service these elephants have been released from captivity. They've decided to stay. Now at the start of each battle they spawn in the middle of the enemy formation in berserk mode

    Paeonian Battle Dogs: due to the limitations of the M2TW engine, war dogs cannot be portrayed. Thus, to account for both the handler and the dog, a model of an anthropomorphic, muscular, and scantily clad dog will be used. EBII fans will rejoice at this surely popular compromise

    Mercenary Scythed Chariots: ok so these chariots became sentient and started hiring themselves out as pilotless automatons of destruction. Objects have no feelings - thus these chariots cannot run amok

    Land Ship From Rome 2's Initial Release: massive, illogical, and hungry for blood, these ships which drag themselves through land have 1024 hitpoints and instakill everything in its path

    Low-Poly Rendition of Polybian Principes: frightens_foot

    Kingetoi Explodoi: playing as a Celtic faction, should you ever reach 120 family members they will disappear from the campaign map and reappear as a single unit entirely comprised of general's models. If a model dies on the battlefield he dies in real life. Disbanding the unit will cause all the family member campaign map models to explode outward like trying to cram 100 people into a closet in a physics simulation game. Some may land all over Gaul. Others may land in Baktria. All will die on impact

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