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Thread: Parody Units

  1. #41
    Grimmy's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    A logistics unit that can be added to an army.

    You're deep in enemy territory, out of supplies but have all those prisoners you've captured?

    So, Mystery Meat Makers! to the rescue.

    Your troops get fed and you have fewer prisoners to feed and guard.

    Win win.

  2. #42
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    So, battles getting boring and predictable for yeh?

    Ok then...

    Just after you click to accept battle, and are getting ready to advance toward the enemy, strange lights and "ships of the air" are seen overhead.

    And suddenly, The Lost Army of Cambyses II appears, all 50k of them, on the flank of both your and your enemy's army!!!

    So, now you have to make a choice, fight both your original enemy *and* The Lost Army simultaneously, or join with your former foe and fight for survival against the Persian Hoard Returned From Outer Space!

  3. #43
    Grimmy's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    A bolt thrower, magazine fed and fast cocked by an Archimedes steam pump mechanism.

  4. #44
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    New Unit:

    Great Bells of Fire

    Here's how it works. Bronze bells, one meter across and two meters deep. The bells are on a carriage or wagon. One bell per wagon or carriage. The bell mount holds the bell inverted, the open side of the bell pointing up.

    The bell is loaded with a mix of naptha and Gallic soap to a jelly consistency. Cap with thin plywood cap with felt lining to make snug but easily removed.

    The bottom (closed end) of the bell has two small holes through which copper wires have been inserted and the holes plugged up, closed. Inside the bell, the wires meet at a heating element. Outside the bell, the wires go to a Babylon Battery setup.

    To fire the weapon, tilt toward enemy, keeping the open end at least 45 degrees "up". Throw the connection switch from the Babylon Battery to the heating element and then FOOM!

    Great gobs of flaming, sticky, fire jelly rain down on the advancing enemy.

    It don't have to be Greek Fire to burn your shiznit up.

    Available to whomever owns the ... trans alpine gaul? (area north of latin Rome but south of the Alps) *and* has metal producing mines *and* has foundries/metal working infrastructure already developed.

  5. #45
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    This game doesn't shame you enough for playing it. What it needs is an entire troop of middle-aged British nannies who wag their fingers and nag enemy soldiers to death, then wag their fingers at the screen towards you, the player, upbraiding you for spending time playing video games instead of studying or practicing the violin.

  6. #46

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    This game doesn't shame you enough for playing it. What it needs is an entire troop of middle-aged British nannies who wag their fingers and nag enemy soldiers to death, then wag their fingers at the screen towards you, the player, upbraiding you for spending time playing video games instead of studying or practicing the violin.
    That could be arranged. Replace the two-hour notification scroll with a cinematic of what you just described

  7. #47
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    That could be arranged. Replace the two-hour notification scroll with a cinematic of what you just described
    You've got yourself a deal!

    There should be a unit in the game of Castilian Spanish aristocratic elites modeled on the Brigantinoi, except they're all wearing fancy Habsburg-era 17th century hats and armed with Early Modern period rapiers, and instead of saying their unit name normally, they say it with absolute pomposity, insufferable self-satisfied smugness, and a hugely thick Spanish accent, really rolling that "R" on the tongue for a while and egotistically chuckling after saying their unit name. Also, they pause mid-battle to engage randomly in bullfighting, using up valuable time and slowing down your army's advance (a move that's kind of the opposite of units who charge without orders).

  8. #48
    Grimmy's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    That reminds me, shouldn't all armies from the British Isles pause mid battle for tea?

  9. #49

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Grimmy View Post
    That reminds me, shouldn't all armies from the British Isles pause mid battle for tea?
    Should be before the battle, during the pre-battle video.

  10. #50
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Lusitanio View Post
    Should be before the battle, during the pre-battle video.
    But they already do that for Second Breakfast!

  11. #51

    Default Re: Parody Units

    ANOTHER regional variation for British Units, Norf Lad and Souf Bloke.
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 



  12. #52

    Default Re: Parody Units

    I appreciate the effort you put into these EBII Wojaks. I might replace the starting Pritanoi faction leader portrait with one of these

  13. #53

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    I appreciate the effort you put into these EBII Wojaks. I might replace the starting Pritanoi faction leader portrait with one of these
    Sadly I wish I had the talent to draw like that. These are already-made memes for the history board of a certain infamous website based on the "Norf FC" meme to make fun of Northern English, originating from the international/UK foccused board of the same infamous website. If you want more examples, just google Norf FC.

    A good deal can also be found from Unbiased History of Rome youtube series, which I can actually talk about without getting risk of being notified by the mods, because unlike said infamous website, this one's dark humor is much tamer.

    https://youtu.be/9EOzr15h8S8?list=PL...azzTTu1WSh8MHg

    First of many videos of the already finished series. What's the author going to do after, nobody yet knows.

  14. #54
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    @RodriguesSting:

    That video series is amazing! Finally, the truth is told about the glory of Rome!

  15. #55

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Katoikoi Underpaidoi (Mexican Colonists)
    Recruitable in the American provinces bordering Mexico from Level 2 Mexican Military Colonies and above. Build up reserves of them to improve your economy. Recruit too many of these and your economy will tank. You can disband them anywhere on the map but they'll always end up back in the US recruitment pools somehow. It's also a free upkeep unit, but causes unrest in provinces with at least 70% American Imperialism.

    Harmata Parabellum (Scythed War Dogs)
    Each Scythed War Dog is accompanied by a John Wick officer. Killing the dog without killing the officer first will cause the officer to go berserk. This officer can fling units around like the RTW engine's berserkers.

    Leukapezes Ephebetoi (White Boy Rappers)
    Frightens nearby enemy units. The officer is Eminem. While this unit is active, the battle music is one of his rap songs. Every second you have a 2% chance of incurring a copyright violation, causing a CTD and your computer to delete itself.

    Kataphraktai Homoioi (Cataphract Spartans)
    This is not a unit, but rather an NFT of a Cataphract Spartan drawn by me. It cannot fight battles, and in fact serves no practical purpose within the M2TW engine. It does however take up a unit slot and has a recruitment cost, but sports a pretty cool unit card. Disbanding it in an enemy settlement recoups you all the money you spent on it, and offshores that cost to that unlucky enemy faction.

    Gynaika Mania (Screeching Women)
    Frightens nearby friendly units. Kpop Stans have gathered into a military unit. Many of them aren't even of military age, but with the power of friendship and purple/blue/whatever hearts, they'll get enslaved by the enemy, weighing down their baggage train and scoring you a strategic victory.

    George W. Bush (George W. Bush)
    If you play as the Seleucids, then on turn 9100, this random nobody spawns with a full stack of Harmata Drepanephora right outside of Seleukia.

    Kataphraktai Pergamoi (Pergamene "Cataphracts")
    Were the infamous Pergamene "Cataphracts" armored horsemen or just really well-protected war ships? Who cares about modern-day mistranslations! I'd say both! Introducing the Kataphraktai Pergamoi, a massive landed warship dragged by heavily armored horsemen (without the horse). This monumentally stupid sight lowers the IQ of the enemy, causing them to engage in a massive arms race to build their own Kataphraktai Pergamoi, bankrupting their state in the process.

  16. #56
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Rarely have I seen a post so deserving of +1 rep and then some. Nice work, Shoebopp.

    I suggest we add a unit of footballers with Lionel Messi of Argentina as the captain or flag bearer, only he's carrying a FIFA trophy instead of a military standard. This unit should be recruited by Hellenistic factions, whereas Carthaginians and Romans recruit a rival unit of American football soldiers with officers who look like the famous quarterbacks Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

  17. #57

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Master Yoda archers :
    Indian atchers with artificially boosted stats because they are awesome, "I swear this is historical" is their description.
    Man, this would be cool!


  18. #58

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Some reform units for the Bactrian player after they've conquered at least 2 Indian regions.

    Aswar i Pakistan (Horsemen from Pakistan): O Basileus, these metal monsters upon which ride grim, humorless men wish to cross our lands. They seem to be from beyond the Hindu Kush, and keep shooing our guards away from their gargantuan iron steeds. "Don't touch that or we all die" they keep saying. Between you and me, I think they're just embarrassed by the giant, black phallic monuments their metal mounts carry. Though I'm not sure why they're all pointed southeast. Still, we should definitely let them go wherever they please, after taxing them first of course. Maybe even pick up a few as mercenaries


    Hentairoi (Degenerate Anime Horsemen): O Basileus, another troope of mounted strangers have arrived at our borders in Oskabara. I'm not sure if these travelers are even human - their eyes are unnaturally large as if they're permanently surprised and each cavalryman appears to be hiding two large amphoras underneath their tunics. They do show promise though. "We totally have like a really high charge bonus and we also inspire nearby friendly troops" was the best we could translate their high pitched babble. Let's negotiate further with the gentlemen leading this squadron, whose hair completely covers his eyes.


    Scholeion Indoi (Visa-Restricted Indian Tech Workers): O Basileus, more travellers from beyond the Hindu Kush have arrived. They kept inquiring about "any suspicious 'convoys' that have passed through here recently", but I obeyed your orders and told them nothing. They seemed a little disappointed, but then offered their skills to "build a weapon to surpass the 3-talent Lithobolos". Let's hire them and provide them all the materials they demand.


    Phallos Kai Dionysius (Phallic Monument To Dionysius): O Basileus, I believe we've been swindled. These engineers promised a weapon of untold power, but instead constructed what appeared to be a shrine to Dionysius, with the you-know-what pointed northwest. While the knowledge of our Hellenistic culture is flattering, it is an obscene waste of our resources, especially of all our royal slaves who got sick mining that peculiar metal. I have had the engineers arrested and jailed, and I invite you great King to inspect their impressive if wasteful project. "Don't touch the red button!" they kept yelling as they were shoved away. Well, you were the one who magnanimously provided them their materials. You should do as you please, don't you think?

  19. #59
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    There should be a dominatrix unit of BDSM straponess mistresses in leather and latex who whip and paddle the enemies to death, or stun them as such before plowing them with their strapon dildos, or tickle them silly until they route and run away, or capture them as prisoners of war in tightly belted gimp bondage attire (instead of just bodies lying on the field). Nothing will make the enemy run faster than fear of a spanking strap combined with a butt plug, scrotal weights, and nipple shockers!

    Also, there should be a unit of UN Peacekeepers as well as humanitarian aid workers with medics who revive fallen units like necromancers on the battlefield.

  20. #60

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    Some reform units for the Bactrian player after they've conquered at least 2 Indian regions.
    This is amazing. We must petition the team to add these.



    Further suggestions:

    Hetaira Byzantina (Byzantine female "companions"): The officer is East Roman empress Theodora. The unit is made up of her former "co-workers" if you know what I mean. +3 morale to allied units. -5 cost to bribe allied units. +2 command to general with "Fertile" or "Vigorous" trait.

    Gorilla gorilla (Gorilla): As Qart-Hadasht, send a fleet with a general or diplomat aboard to the far southwest of the map and leave it there for 4 turns. A unit of mercenary gorillas spawn aboard the ship. +5 morale to Libyan units. Simulates the historical carthaginian expeditions to Africa where sailors reports strange "gorillas" here. Now they are brought to Qart-Hadasht. We must surely tame them!

    Amazones Aithiopioi (African Amazons): Recruitable in African regions. Strong independent black women have the ability to frighten nearby enemy and allied units. The officer is Viola Davis in Dahomey Amazon garments.

    Napoleon Bonaparte (Napoleon Bonaparte): "...in the land of pharaohs and kings, they said Egypt could never be humbled..." On turn 8280 as Ptolemaioi, a Korsim general with the authentic starting army from the NTW Egypt campaign spawn outside of Alexandria.

    Equites Imperialis Sinis (Chinese Imperial Horsemen): Can spawn after 202BC in the far east of the map. Simulates the Han expeditions in Central Asia. Jet Li from the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the officer. +1 command fighting against Baktria. Though, the unit gets -10 attack and -5 defence if the enemy general has the "Michelle Yeoh" ancillary.

    Legiones Imperialis Sinis (Chinese Imperial Legionaries): Can spawn after 202BC in the far east of the map. Simulates the Han expeditions in Central Asia. Jackie Chan from the cheesy 2015 film Dragon Blade is the officer. +3 morale fighting against SPQR. Jackie Chan can duel enemy officers in one-on-one combat like TW3K.

    Gymnosophioi Indikoi (Naked Indian monks): The unit has 0 attack. Their babbling and circular rhetorical language confuses enemy troops. Bonus fighting Hellenic factions. +2 morale for allied units fighting army led by enemy general with "Schooled" trait.

    Arcani Germani (German dark magicians): A unit of SS conducted an arcane ceremony and transported back in time to the Hellenistic era. As the player of Sweboz, if you accept their services, all factions declare war on you and have +1 attack fighting you.

    Toxotai Samurai (Greco-Japanese archers): "O Basileus! Apparently some of Megas Alexandros' companions went farther east than we thought! Their sons have returned to their ancestral homeland and offer their services. They say in a semi-barbaroi tongue that they vow to uphold a code of honour and serve you to death. Should we accept?"

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