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Thread: Parody Units

  1. #1

    Default Parody Units

    Let's waste precious unit slots on outlandish and ahistorical unit ideas

    Sarmatian Penal Battalion: Cowards and deserters have been assembled into a pack of horse archers whose sole purpose is to soak up Scythian arrows. #NotOneStepBack

    Southwest Iranian Archer-Spearmen: Only recruitable from the Syrian region

    Southwest but a Little More South of that Iranian Archer-Spearmen: Only recruitable from Damascos

    Thracian Slow Horsemen: Raskumezenai riding morbidly obese mounts

    Rompaianai Phalanx: Phalanx with ap and frightens nearby infantry

    Mounted Robocops: The historical mounted nobility of Saka. The highly historically inaccurate Sakan Noble Riders from EBII are based off of this unit

    Dual-wielding Maniac Slingers: They have a move_speed_mod of 16.66. Credit to Satapatiš for conceiving this

    Armored Indian Humans: Atop whom sits two unarmored elephants chucking javelins at enemies

    Screeching Women: Replaces the highly unpopular Thracian Peltasts

    What are your ideas? Let's find a good use for those remaining unit slots

  2. #2

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Hurlers. No, not the infamous RTW head hurlers. These guys just had too much wine, mead, beer, or fermented milk.

    Hippophalangitai. Say, you know how mobility is biggest weakness of phalangitai? Simple solution...give them horses.

    Armorican villagers. Only recruitable by Celtic factions in Armorica, these include Asterix and Obelix as officers.

    Proto-Kurdish longbowmen. Because, y'know, Xenophon...

    Discharged cohort. Since they're no longer in the army, they won't do anything on battlefield, but you have to use them to create military colonies.

    Edit: Real evocati. Do you even know what that means? if they can't cast fireball or magic missile on enemies, they're not real invokers.
    Last edited by Sar1n; August 05, 2020 at 08:11 PM.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Varu-Military-Settlers. Need some heavy artillery for that invasion of britannia but can't handle the long march? Simple, grant those beasts some land in Gaul and reap the rewards.

    Gaisatoi-Reformata. They wear boxer shorts now.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Chainmail bikini amazons. Only recruitable for Sarmatians and Saka. Inspired by all the highly accurate amazon artwork.
    Furthermore, I believe that Rome must be destroyed.


  5. #5

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Icarus Smicarus View Post
    Gaisatoi-Reformata. They wear boxer shorts now.
    Chainmail boxers.



    Horse archers. As opposed to people archers. They're not very accurate.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Frank Miller style Ninja-Persian Immortals, put these and RTW's Arcani in a pit and have them fight it out.

    Roman Legionaries from China. Only recruitable when you Carrhae a Roman force, and have no changes to their equipment, fighting style, or ethnicity despite being thousands of kilometers away from their native environments.

    Panzer-Kampfgruppe Sweboz. The only way those ridiculously large Sweboz empires conquering Europe make any sense.

    Hoplitai Nudoi (or whatever the Ancient Greek word for nudity is.) Because those unruly Keltoi can't hog all the fun.
    Last edited by BailianSteel; August 06, 2020 at 03:13 AM. Reason: Because Panzer-Kampfgruppe Sweboz flows better than Sweboz Panzer-Kampfgruppe.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Great ideas guys. Our suggestions will add even more realism and immersion to this mod.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Gallic Gribeauval Artillery, in 4, 8, and 12-pounder variations. Available as an AoR, with no context whatsoever

  9. #9
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    I see now that my "Thread for Horrible Suggestions" has finally bore bountiful fruit in this EBII forum.

    My three humble additions and suggestions to add to your list: rollerblading Thureophoroi, skateboarding Machairophoroi, and hoverboarding Thorakitai, to make the game super radical and bodacious. This will also allow for speedier movement on the battlefield, where the enemy army gets led into a pile of manure per the character of Biff Tannen in Back to the Future movies. There should also be a unit with guitars who play bluesy rock songs like Marty McFly, or 80s heavy metal.



    Quote Originally Posted by BailianSteel View Post
    Frank Miller style Ninja-Persian Immortals, put these and RTW's Arcani in a pit and have them fight it out.

    Roman Legionaries from China. Only recruitable when you Carrhae a Roman force, and have no changes to their equipment, fighting style, or ethnicity despite being thousands of kilometers away from their native environments.

    Panzer-Kampfgruppe Sweboz. The only way those ridiculously large Sweboz empires conquering Europe make any sense.

    Hoplitai Nudoi (or whatever the Ancient Greek word for nudity is.) Because those unruly Keltoi can't hog all the fun.
    Don't forget that the Roman legionaries of Carrhae who trekked back from Han China need to bring back Chinese crossbows and Ji-style halberds.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    My three humble additions and suggestions to add to your list: rollerblading Thureophoroi, skateboarding Machairophoroi, and hoverboarding Thorakitai, to make the game super radical and bodacious. This will also allow for speedier movement on the battlefield, where the enemy army gets led into a pile of manure per the character of Biff Tannen in Back to the Future movies. There should also be a unit with guitars who play bluesy rock songs like Marty McFly, or 80s heavy metal.
    I could swear that one of the new tracks for Koinon Hellenon was somebody rocking out the Ancient Hellenic version of Free Bird.

    Don't forget that the Roman legionaries of Carrhae who trekked back from Han China need to bring back Chinese crossbows and Ji-style halberds.
    But that would make them cool. My idea for them was to point out how ridiculous the "Liqian Legionaries" thing was.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Syrakousai steam cannons. It needs to be a thing. With the Antikythera mechanism-styled fire directors.
    Last edited by Satapatiš; August 11, 2020 at 05:13 PM.
    Furthermore, I believe that Rome must be destroyed.


  12. #12

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Ethiopian Terminators: +16 attack bonus against Italic troops

    Mounted Screeching Women: If a far end of your battle line is wavering, send these highly mobile morale auras there and they will completely unbalance the flow of battle

    Antigonid Team Six: Unarmored Peltastai Makedones with the can_swim attribute

    Hellenistic Late Heavy Lancers: If a unit of these are in the reenforcing army, it will never arrive in time

    NBA Champions: The last 8 15-man rosters that won the NBA championship have been consolidated into an elite sword-and-hoplon assault unit. The officer is Lebron James and the standard-bearer is Javale McGee

    Gallic Political Officer: A special general unit that actively promotes politically correct behavior for fellow Gauls. In the context of Gallic martial culture, this means automatically sending every Gallic unit within 20 meters of the Political Officer into berserk mode

    Scythed Humans: The best runners and recent Olympic winners have been outfitted with scythes, fed copious amounts of psychedelics, and pointed towards the enemy

    Skirmisher Elephants: Permanently in skirmish mode and has the morale of skirmisher cavalry

    SCP-173: You literally just catapult this thing behind enemy lines and let it do the work

    Self-Propelled Chariot Lithobolos: At this point you wonder to yourself if humans should never have evolved

  13. #13

    Default Re: Parody Units

    This thread has moved from parody units to simply very silly units. Inconceivable!!?!

    Back to parodies:


    Aspisothrophoroi (Rusty old shield bearers):

    These men, long past their prime, have been called back to arms from their farms and barely had time to brush the rust off their old shield, much less brush up on their discipline. Yet they can't wait to show those youngsters how it's done. Armed with the conviction that their sons' thureoi are but a passing fashion, these men know that a true hero's shield is as round as Aphrodite's breasts.

    Notable characteristics: Morale 3, impetuous, no longer trained, is_peasant, free_upkeep_unit, command, frighten_foot


    Not a unit, but:

    Disgruntled Tutor (Ancillary)

    "There is no hope for this boy."

    -1 Influence
    -1 Loyalty
    +1 Troop Morale

    [Obtainable by a family member under 28 who spends a full turn inside a settlement with an academy building. The chance is a lot higher for Dull characters. Advanced traits in the Cultured/... trait line make no difference. Traits in the Unschooled/... trait line reduce the chance of obtaining this ancillary since tutors have already given up.]


    And finally another, very much needed addition to the game:

    Baktrian Alphabet Reform

    Conditions:
    - Baktra has at least a level 2 school.
    - Faction leader is intelligent and charismatic, has at least five authority and the scholarly or pedantic trait.

    Effects:
    The letter 'sho' is adopted into the Baktrian-Greek alphabet. Some unit descriptions are slightly updated.

  14. #14
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Scythed Humans: The best runners and recent Olympic winners have been outfitted with scythes, fed copious amounts of psychedelics, and pointed towards the enemy
    Pack it in, folks, it's not going to get any better than this one here.

    EDIT: I recently got a Koinon Hellenon Greek general called "Taureas Tarantinos", clearly from Taras (Tarentum, modern Taranto) and I couldn't help but think of how funny it would be to see a Roman or Greek general with American director Quentin Tarantino's big smug looking Italian face in the family member avatar picture. Or should I say Quintus Tarantinus. Which got me thinking about a whole Italic Roman unit in EBII where the faces either look like Quentin Tarantino, John Travolta or Leonardo DiCaprio.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    Pack it in, folks, it's not going to get any better than this one here.

    EDIT: I recently got a Koinon Hellenon Greek general called "Taureas Tarantinos", clearly from Taras (Tarentum, modern Taranto) and I couldn't help but think of how funny it would be to see a Roman or Greek general with American director Quentin Tarantino's big smug looking Italian face in the family member avatar picture. Or should I say Quintus Tarantinus. Which got me thinking about a whole Italic Roman unit in EBII where the faces either look like Quentin Tarantino, John Travolta or Leonardo DiCaprio.
    If we got an Italian American family member submod I might actually play a Rome campaign.

    General Martinus Scorsese always has a flair for the dramatic.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    Self-Propelled Chariot Lithobolos: At this point you wonder to yourself if humans should never have evolved
    Funny thing...the Chinese actually did something like this, and it's not too far from the EBII time-frame. In 180 CE Han forces scattered a rebel army by using horse-driven, unmanned wagons armed with crossbows. The Han used lime dust to blind the rebels, then tied rags to the horses' tails and burnt them to drive the wagons into the rebel mass. The mounted crossbows were powered by linkage from the wheels and fired into the rebels, tricking them into thinking the government forces were among them. The rebels then shot at each other, devastating their own force and allowed the Han to destroy them. (Ralph D Sawyer, 2004, pg.120)

  17. #17
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by BailianSteel View Post
    Funny thing...the Chinese actually did something like this, and it's not too far from the EBII time-frame. In 180 CE Han forces scattered a rebel army by using horse-driven, unmanned wagons armed with crossbows. The Han used lime dust to blind the rebels, then tied rags to the horses' tails and burnt them to drive the wagons into the rebel mass. The mounted crossbows were powered by linkage from the wheels and fired into the rebels, tricking them into thinking the government forces were among them. The rebels then shot at each other, devastating their own force and allowed the Han to destroy them. (Ralph D Sawyer, 2004, pg.120)
    I recall this being one of the first uses of chemical warfare, although there are earlier instances from ancient Greece where literal wells were poisoned and the Spartans choked Athenians with noxious fumes of burning sulfur at the walls of their city. Alexander the Great also recounted how some armies in ancient Punjab, Pakistan/India, used poison arrows. The Chinese apparently utilized chemical warfare long before even this incident in the Yellow Turban Rebellion during the Eastern Han dynasty. The Mohists of China's Warring States period apparently used arsenic and burning balls of toxic plant ingredients to choke sappers building tunnels beneath the walls of cities during sieges. The Sasanian Persians apparently used similar tactics with sulfur dioxide at the siege of Dura-Europos when fighting the Roman Empire and taking the city from them in the 3rd century AD.

  18. #18

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Thigh-flashers: An all-female unit only recruitable for KH in Sparta. Lower morale for all Hellenic units unless they're Spartan hoplites.

    Rambling Philosophers: Only recruitable by KH in Athens. They lower morale of your own units, but force the enemy units to charge them only so they shut up.
    Last edited by Satapatiš; August 21, 2020 at 11:05 AM.
    Furthermore, I believe that Rome must be destroyed.


  19. #19
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar I am your sovereign now
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    Default Re: Parody Units

    Diogenes could definitely unnerve someone enough for them to want to charge at him, even if he wore his homeless guy's amphora like a big piece of torso armor. Plato hates him! Find out how Diogenes destroyed his bipedal argument with this one easy chicken.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Parody Units

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post
    Diogenes could definitely unnerve someone enough for them to want to charge at him, even if he wore his homeless guy's amphora like a big piece of torso armor. Plato hates him! Find out how Diogenes destroyed his bipedal argument with this one easy chicken.
    Need to have the Chosen of Diogenes, an elite group of chickens in full hoplite panoply.

    ”Behold! I have brought you an army!”

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