TWC Dungeons and Dragons

[ggggtotalwarrior]

Another good session for the boys today. We did 2 half sessions in two days and managed to basically spend the entire time in one massive combat scene today.

[Akar]

And it was a GLORIOUS combat scene.

[Kilo11]

And a lesson will have been learned: every time Varis tries to find some more "kind" way of doing what needs to be done, Varragh will simply say "Remember Billy? Violence done quickly and without pity is a kindness unto itself."

[ggggtotalwarrior]

Tbf if Billy was involved with what was going on here, he deserved his brutal death at our hands

[ggggtotalwarrior]

WATERDEEP MYSTERY
CHAPTER 7 (Sessions 8 and 9): The Night Captain

Open in the home of Harminil of House Finderwel

Party:
Varis Aloro, Chaotic Good Paladin, Half-Elf, 28 years of age: escaped slave and former Calimport Gladiator. Paladin with an oath of Vengeance on slavers and a desire to do good by the less fortunate, but whose pursuit of these goals are often harmed by bouts of depression and drunkenness over his past. Recent arrival to Waterdeep in search of his lost love, who he lost contact with when sold from Luskan to Calimport 12 years ago.
Alias: “Drunken Dip ” “12 Years a Slave”

Harminil of House Finderwel, True Neutral Battle Master, High Elf, 120 years of age: Noble and former soldier with residence in Waterdeep. Painter and wild card with deep-rooted sense of High Elven Supremacy and an insatiable desire for high elven women. Seeks to hone his skills in combat so that one day he may reclaim the Jeweled Crown of his ancestors that was stolen by a demonic entity long ago and restore his house’s as well as his personal sense of superiority. Prior experience serving with the mercenary Varragh il Sunayn during his military service.
Alias: “Harm and ‘Ammer”, “The Hater”

Varragh il Sunayn, Chaotic Neutral Mastermind, Fey Elf, 186 years of age: Descendant of a house of hunters turned traffickers who straddled the border between Toril and the Feywild. Rogue, Hunter and survivor with an imperative to retake and restore her family’s power, even if guilted by the means that acquired that power. Will keep the party on track and has a no-nonsense attitude when dealing with the commoners, or even potential enemies, who get in her way. Prior experience serving with the soldier Harminil through her time as a mercenary:
Alias: “The woman who literally snapped a dude’s neck like Black Widow” “Big Scary”

NPCs:
Pierre Kukassy, “Bucket Man” Endshift Tavern Bartender: Fat older man who loves a good alcoholic customer. Bros with Varis, negative opinion towards Harminil. Eyes and ears in the city for the party. Still sells the bucket. Got his cut plus damages.

Barrack Guards: Some dumb, some smart, some “no good”

Bail Guard: “If he was arrested, he must’ve been a criminal… I can tell just by looking at him.” Smug

Night Captain Prodavac “Keanu Reeves” Devola: Sussy sussy lying doodoo head. Still hasn’t gotten hit with the karma bomb…. But it is coming

Spoia Dyer: Bartender with information and possibly Marfan’s Syndrome. Grosses out Varis with his spindliness.

Billy “not that other Billy from session 1 because Akar re-used names REEEEE”: Dumb and easily seduced. Given a free pass to life and then chose death.

The Mystery Continues (Finding Evander):

The party returns to Harminil’s, covered in the blood and guts of that little Colt Magnus. Being a mastermind, Varragh plants a false flag implicating Amrik’s Raiders, the group that the party turned on during the bank heist, as the true murderers of Colt Magnus. Despite not drinking in some time, to Harminil’s shock, Varis goes to sleep while plagued with guilt over his use of magic to lure a man to his death. The others, being of superior elven stock rather than a filthy “Half-Breed” like Varis only need to enter a trance. We then see Varragh start her day with her, for the 50^th ing DAY. IN. A. ROW. Arguing, “This isn’t our quest, I don’t give a about anybody but me” while being completely unaware that arguing this point is irrelevant given Varis is still asleep. Harminil agrees Varis is a ing weak link but really wants to break out Evander not out of friendship with a fellow former soldier but purely because of his race; if Evander was a dwarf he’d already have fully checked out.

The two then go into a long conversation about chemistry and the basis of using chemical reactions and acquiring chemicals in order to create explosives for breaking into the barracks. An annoyed disembodied voice proceeds to erupt from the sky and insist “HEY YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO THINK TO DO THAT” while Varragh argues with the disembodies voice that this fits her character because it’s just a hypothetical along the lines of:

“HEY MANNNNNNNNN

LIKE IMAGINE IF THERE WERE LIKE

LITTLE PARTS OF IN THE AIR MAN

AND WE COULD BLOW THAT UP”

hits blunt

But unfortunately, the disembodied voice prevails and the elves instantly remember they don’t know what “a chemistry is” and go back to discussing other, more realistic plans. Varis lets out occasional night terrors in the other room, either from memories of his past or from having heard budding pyromaniac Varragh discussing burning down yet another ing building.
Varragh and Harminil try a “I’m a lawyer looking to see my client” grift to try to get inside the barracks by essentially asking if they’re holding (INSERT GENERIC NAME HERE). Harminil unfortunately is told that letting him in or giving him a prisoner list would be “No good.” The Saul Goodman method fails, meaning another path must be taken. Enter the return of drunken method acting Varis, who they proceed to wake by slapping and offering some beer while invading his personal space.

Varragh: “Hey buddy, how you feeling about getting drunk and getting arrested today?”

Varis: “This is ing crazy.”

Harminil: “Yes. But if you do this, I’ll elevate you to 3/4^th of an elf”

Varis agrees but heads to Kukassy first to exchange some of the bars for coin as previously agreed upon. Varragh laments her inability to open a bank account to store their coin… ignoring she is literally the reason there is no bank.

Varis gets hammered and heads to the Beer Golem in character as Trojan Montoya, a lowlife enforcer in service to his philanthropic nobleman character Baras Goldwater. In character as Trojan Montoya, Street Fighter, he proceeds to act like an and start a random brawl where he beats the out of a couple random patrons who pull knives on him, getting arrested for his actions. He gets very little information from the inside of the barracks jail, seeing 6 cells and an unopened door that he suspects is the door to the dungeons that contains Evander (according to Magnus the key can be found on Devola’s personhood), but he is unable to confirm this from his cell.

The other two decide to initially visit the barracks to bail out Varis but find out it is too late in the day to arrange a visit, so they proceed to wait til the next morning plus a few hours to teach Varis a lesson for his over-commitment to and borderline offensive character work. Taking the pseudonym of “Confused who he works for” lawyer Maedhros Ausquire, Esquire (“Your Dentist’s name is Crentist?” energy), while Varragh is a “Lady Galas” who claims she is annoyed and bailing out her son’s worthless friend, the two agree to bail out Varis. After a long negotiation process in which Trojan insists he is innocent and was set up by a couple of “violent humies” and wants to fight his charge over a comparatively measly 50 coins, Varragh finally discreetly convinces him to shut the up given that fighting it in court would put a spotlight on the party that once again COMMITED MASS MURDER LAST WEEK. Ace Attorney Maedhros Ausquire in his best Sherlock Holmes “Innnnnteresting….” Voice still seems interested in working the case and flexing his non-existent law degree, and is disappointed in the “pay the fine” resolution.

In the end, the party wastes tens of gold (not really much in all fairness) to get next to no information and wasted another day in which Evander (and Varis’ love Lia) is still in chains and possibly closer to execution. The group refocuses its effort on Devola. Deciding they will stake out tonight and follow Devola home after his shift, with even Varis now on-board to kill the corrupt possible human trafficker, Varis travels to Kukassy again to get dirt on the man.

Varis gets little information from Kukassy (“Why the hell would I know where a Watch Captain lives?”) so he gives 50 gold to Spoia Dyer (Grinning Lion bartender from a few sessions ago) who informs him the southern ward guard has been involved in suspect closing off of the docks late at night. The party decides they will stake out the barracks again tonight hoping to catch Devola (who they just realized due to his beautiful complexion bears a striking resemblance to Keanu Reeves, another individual who if mentioned by the party to any NPC would only elicit great confusion) and kidnap him for information on breaking out Evander and finding out what is going on at the docks.

The Docks:

The group is shocked when they begin to stalk Devola and his goons as they leave the barracks mid-shift, tracking him to the docks. Aided by their elven dark vision (Inb4 Harminil protests grouping in an “Honorary Three Quarter Elf” with purebloods), which for some reason gives them noir-vision, the group can easily see the group of shady guards and the presumed prisoners being loaded onto the docks.

Varragh, due to her “seasonal alignment”, can fay step and charm those in her target’s vicinity, hoping to seduce a hexed guard on the outskirts of their group into telling her what is happening at the docks. Unfortunately, she manages to attract the attention of some of his lantern-bearing comrades even as poor, horny Billy wanders off under her orders. Of course, a minute later while she is still trying to talk her way away from the other guards, Billy comes back screaming bloody murder after having his mind invaded by Eladrin trickery and the promise of PLEASURES OF THE FLESH. Billy clearly would rather die than use being charmed as an excuse to not engage in the combat that is about to occur. This leads to Varis and Harminil having to abandon their hiding places and engage in combat against an onslaught of guards, as Devola initially watches passively while making snide comments like an ass. Harminil, in true bloodthirsty fashion and nostalgic for the bank massacre that left him unconscious and on the brink of death, exclaims a “OH BOY, HERE I GO KILLING AGAIN!” warcry towards his foes. Varragh is just angry at this development and blames Varis’ bad influence as a moral proselytizer for her having tried and failed with non-lethal force.

Varis launches himself forward to tank hits for the lesser-armored and exposed Varragh, while Harminil heads left to flank the dozen+ guards. The group lucks out as the street’s geography creates a natural chokepoint to slaughter the oncoming guards, while Devola and a smaller group head to their right to face Harminil’s wrath.

Harminil is consumed with one-shotting the weak, worthless human scum on his flank, while Varragh constantly takes advantage of her dual-attack abilities as a crossbow expert and basically being the evil, cold henchwoman from every James Bond movie to simultaneously swipe at those in her face with her dagger and also shoot them in the god(s) damn face with her hand crossbow. Varis meanwhile takes hits while getting increasingly annoyed with his failure to finish off these human trafficking s that Varragh gets to kill. Billy even gets de-legged and then finally killed while Varis screams “YOU STUPID ” for having not left and signaling the alarm.

Finally, Varis and Varragh still bogged down with their flank, Devola engages Harminil while making smug ass comments. While talking he proceeds to immediately forget how to swing a sword while engaging Harminil and practically stabs himself multiple times. Harminil responds with ripostes that involve shoving his sword as far up this stupid human’s ass as possible while uttering his now iconic “SPEAK UP” and “DEATH TO OUR FOES” lines. Harminil is thus lured into a false sense of security as his own attacks proceed to be critically riposted and eventually, he is downed just as Varis and Varragh arrive at the scene. Luckily, Varis can get to Harminil and heal him by laying his magic hands on his boo boos, and Devola flees down the alleyway. Varis and Varragh turn to finish off the last few guards and help the prisoners, but they flee into their horse carriage, while Harminil infuriated at having been bested by a human and his gang of weak henchmen in uneven combat, chases the injured Prodovac “Keanu” Devola down the street.

Thus ends this chapter: Varis and Varragh are surrounded at the docks by the corpses of those they killed and the chained prisoners while a battered Harminil, fueled by hatred and the primal desire to be powerful enough to impress his fellow supremacist elves next week, as well as a belief that the Captain may have some connection to his backstory based on some insults he made, is in hot pursuit of the captain.

Points to Consider for next time:

What will the prisoners know? How will they be handled?

How much more heat will be placed on the party given some of the corrupt guard escaped?

Will the party still be able to save Evander and/or Varis’ lost lover?

Will Harminil be able to catch and defeat the bastard Devola who talked about elvenkind?

How will Varragh react to this conundrum and find a way to profit?

Is it possible Varis actually stopped drinking and stayed on task for once????

WHO THE IS BEHIND THE PRISONERS BEING TRANSPORTED?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME

[Kilo11]

I don't know if this recap casts our adventures in a better or worse light than they actually are. Either way, color me amused!

[Akar]

[ggggtotalwarrior]

WATERDEEP MYSTERY
CHAPTER 8: Harminil’s Chase

Open at the Waterdeep Docks, post-combat
2:30 am, 21^st of Kythorn

Party:
Varis Aloro, Chaotic Good Paladin, Half-Elf, 28 years of age: escaped slave and former Calimport Gladiator. Paladin with an oath of Vengeance on slavers and a desire to do good by the less fortunate, but whose pursuit of these goals are often harmed by bouts of depression and drunkenness over his past. Recent arrival to Waterdeep in search of his lost love, who he lost contact with when sold from Luskan to Calimport 12 years ago.
Alias: “Drunken Dip ” “12 Years a Slave”

Harminil of House Finderwel, True Neutral Battle Master, High Elf, 120 years of age: Noble and former soldier with residence in Waterdeep. Painter and wild card with deep-rooted sense of High Elven Supremacy and an insatiable desire for high elven women. Seeks to hone his skills in combat so that one day he may reclaim the Jeweled Crown of his ancestors that was stolen by a demonic entity long ago and restore his house’s as well as his personal sense of superiority. Prior experience serving with the mercenary Varragh il Sunayn during his military service.
Alias: “Harm and ‘Ammer”, “The Hater”

Varragh il Sunayn, Chaotic Neutral Mastermind, Fey Elf, 186 years of age: Descendant of a house of hunters turned traffickers who straddled the border between Toril and the Feywild. Rogue, Hunter and survivor with an imperative to retake and restore her family’s power, even if guilted by the means that acquired that power. Will keep the party on track and has a no-nonsense attitude when dealing with the commoners, or even potential enemies, who get in her way. Prior experience serving with the soldier Harminil through her time as a mercenary:
Alias: “The woman who literally snapped a dude’s neck like Black Widow” “Big Scary”

NPCs:
Pierre Kukassy, “Bucket Man” Endshift Tavern Bartender: Fat older man who loves a good alcoholic customer. Bros with Varis, negative opinion towards Harminil. Eyes and ears in the city for the party. Still sells the bucket. Got his cut plus damages.


Night Captain Prodavac “Keanu Reeves” Devola: Sussy sussy lying doodoo head. Running for his life like a little

Slaves 1-14: Think Dr. Seuss’ “Thing 1 and Thing 2” except multiply that by 7, make them forced laborers, and make the party entirely unwilling to learn the names of their new private militia. Special mention to that one guy memorable for being an obnoxious “wahhhh I serve Ilmater too and I don’t believe in fighting wahhhh”

Maude: Basically the female Kukassy. Houses shady figures for coin rather than inebriating them.

The Chase:
Varragh and Varis look over the prisoners who are in shock and confused by the slaughter they just witnessed. Varis lays his hands on Varragh to heal her as much as he can (NON-SEXUALLY). Varis insists on freeing these confused people, and Varragh orders him to catch up to mid-chase Harminil on the promise of unchaining the prisoners. Varis tries to join the chase but massively fails his perception checks and wanders aimlessly, leaving Varragh to handle the prisoners.

Varragh begins to unchain the prisoners and finds out that they aren’t coming from the prison as expected, but slaves sent from Calimport who are shocked they are now in a free city.
Meanwhile, Harminil engages in THE CHASE. THE CHASE™ involves chasing the douchey, overconfident Devola, now known to the party as “Keanu Reeves” through a variety of slapstick encounters through the city. He keeps closing in on John Wick before deciding instead to attempt to snipe the captain with his longbow, twice inflicting damage. Frustrated, Harminil insists to a disembodied voice in the sky “c’mon I’ve done like 50 damage now how the isn’t this guy down”, to which the disembodied voice replies “I’ve been tracking his HP. He isn’t down.”

Harminil of course loses ground with each shot, but more frustratingly he runs into a variety of slapstick comedy encounters that get in the way of his pursuit, including: being forced to use his superior elven heritage to vault over street dogs fighting for scavenged meat, John Constantine breaking into “Hannah’s Fine Nuts”, Harminil running into a room full of smoke and nearly choking himself to death, and then even the stereotypical 1920s “guys pushing a giant wooden cart blocking the way while being like ‘hey I’m walkin’ here’ routine” despite the fact its 3am and they have no reason to be pushing a giant wooden cart directly in his way. Of course, despite being close to accomplishing his goal, Harminil isn’t able to execute Neo before he can return to the barracks and get reinforcements, forcing Harminil to hide and rest.

The Slaves:
With Theodore Logan having escaped justice, the story returns to the other party members and their goals of determining what is going on with the prisoners. Varragh decides to jump on the dock platform and start giving some a speech while looking down at these starved slaves and lining them up like she is Hitler or something. Varragh initially is confused by their story and wondering if they just executed a bunch of guards freeing these former slaves before remembering “oh wait if that were the case they wouldn’t be getting moved in the dead of night, Johnny Utah wouldn’t have arrested Evander, and there wouldn’t be a ton of murdered prisoners and guards…” Varis returns to the docks to this scene wondering what the is going on.

Varis and Varragh explain the situation and without Harmy’s knowledge or consent agree to house 14 fugitive human escape slaves for the night, with Varragh doing so out of a desire to arm them for their assault on the barracks while Varis does so entirely out of the kindness of his heart and successfully persuades the slaves to trust him, helped by highlighting his Calimport slave brandings. Several of the men do take up the arms of the dead guards out of inspiration from Varis and Varragh’s words. Together, the slaves and Varragh+Varis return to Harminil’s and meet the angered High Elf.

The party is also totally unwilling to learn even one of their newfound slave friends’ names and only one stands out for being an annoying as conscientious objector contrarian who about Varis’ vengeance quest with some “I’d rather be a slave of man than to violence” garbage. Of course, now that Harminil has his home full of filthy humans, while already housing thousands in stolen gold and a bounty for a few dozen murders, he insists that Varis remove his slave friends.

The next morning is spent with Varis traveling in-character as philanthropist Baris Goldwater and scoping out the city for trouble post-dock slaughter. After meeting with Kukassy, who somehow the party wasn’t aware after several weeks and near daily meetings, doesn’t house people in his establishment, Varis learns that Kukassy is friendly with Maude, owner of Maude’s Boarding House. Varis also buys his newly freed slaves and potential private army several pairs of clothes each and food. Now that they’re ready to be moved, the party gives some reassuring words to the slaves, including one who complains the accommodations aren’t up to her standards (she was a lord’s daughter before falling into debt), and Varragh proposes moving them in small family units so as to not rouse any suspicion during the walk to Maude’s. As they walk out, Varis says “I’d be fine with you staying here, but Harminil had a problem with it”. The travel to Maude’s also proceeds to go without hitch. Varis manages a rousing speech to convince 8 of the 14 slaves, 6 men and 2 women, to join him in fighting the slaving guards of the South Ward.

Afterwards, while Harminil is busy at home, Varis and Varragh spend pretty much entirely Varis’ money to buy weapons and armor that each individual of their new slave band (once again they failed to ask a single one for their name) is proficient in. Harminil proposes using his military training to get these slaves up to the fighting standards of a High Elf of House Finderwel; he is of course mainly interested in using their skills to help save a wrongfully imprisoned member of his race as well as finally slaying Shane Falco after he eluded his grasp.

Now, it is time for the party to train their freed slaves, plan their late night assault on the corrupt southern ward barracks, free Evander and potentially Varis’ lost lover Lia, and cleanse Waterdeep of this conspiracy once and for all. We will just ignore that the party has probably slain two innocent guardsmen for every slave they’ve freed by now.

Points to Consider for next time:

How will training and arming the freed slaves be handled?

Will the party be prepared to attack the barracks?

Will the party still be able to save Evander and/or Varis’ lost lover?

Will Harminil be able to defeat the bastard Devola who talked about elvenkind in their rematch?

How will Varragh see profit in this endeavor and further push Varis into her debt?

Is it possible Varis actually gets what he wants?

WHO THE IS BEHIND THE PRISONERS AND SLAVES BEING TRANSPORTED?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME

[Akar]

Yet another wonderful recap.

[Kilo11]

All I can say is that it's clear our chronicler is an uneducated slave... 21st of Kythorn? Who talks like that? It's the first day of the third ten-day, for Ilmater's sake! Also, you can say all you want how harmless the "laying on of hands" was, but you will still be hearing from my esteemed lawyer, Maedhros Ausquire, Esquire!

[ggggtotalwarrior]

Well, you’ll be hearing from my liege, Feanor, King of the High Elves! He and Baras Goldwater will defend me in court to the death!

sidenote I absolute love how many absurd different characters/aliases within characters we have adopted at this point. Lady Galas, Maedhros Ausquire, Feanor, Baras, Trojan and there might be a couple more. I have to imagine that isn’t a standard DND occurrence

[Narf]

3-5 people! JOIN FOLKS!

[Akar]

MORE DND REEEEEEE

[Akar]

[Gyrosmeister]

That's Varis' backstory sorted out, time to go and fight a demon

[Akar]

[Kilo11]

I loved the end, I must say. Varis' lesson on "there are consequences to your actions" has only just started. As we cut our way back into the watch house, Varragh is going to make painfully clear that each and every dead guard is on his head, not hers. The guilt will be overwhelming!

[Akar]

Except most of them are on her head

[Gyrosmeister]

Harminil: I don't care, I just want the crown back

[Akar]

WATERDEEP MYSTERY


CHAPTER 9: Jihadi Assault on the Southern Ward Open at the House of Harminil


Party:
Varis Aloro, Chaotic Good Paladin, Half-Elf, 28 years of age: escaped slave and former Calimport Gladiator. Paladin with an oath of Vengeance on slavers and a desire to do good by the less fortunate, but whose pursuit of these goals are often harmed by bouts of depression and drunkenness over his past. Recent arrival to Waterdeep in search of his lost love, who he lost contact with when sold from Luskan to Calimport 12 years ago.
Alias: “Drunken Dip ” “12 Years a Slave”

Harminil of House Finderwel, True Neutral Battle Master, High Elf, 120 years of age: Noble and former soldier with residence in Waterdeep. Painter and wild card with deep-rooted sense of High Elven Supremacy and an insatiable desire for high elven women. Seeks to hone his skills in combat so that one day he may reclaim the Jeweled Crown of his ancestors that was stolen by a demonic entity long ago and restore his house’s as well as his personal sense of superiority. Prior experience serving with the mercenary Varragh il Sunayn during his military service.
Alias: “Harm and ‘Ammer”, “The Hater”

Varragh il Sunayn, Chaotic Neutral Mastermind, Fey Elf, 186 years of age: Descendant of a house of hunters turned traffickers who straddled the border between Toril and the Feywild. Rogue, Hunter and survivor with an imperative to retake and restore her family’s power, even if guilted by the means that acquired that power. Will keep the party on track and has a no-nonsense attitude when dealing with the commoners, or even potential enemies, who get in her way. Prior experience serving with the soldier Harminil through her time as a mercenary:
Alias: “The woman who literally snapped a dude’s neck like Black Widow” “Big Scary”
NPCs:
Pierre Kukassy, “Bucket Man” Endshift Tavern Bartender: Fat older man who loves a good alcoholic customer. Bros with Varis, negative opinion towards Harminil. Eyes and ears in the city for the party. Still sells the bucket. Got his cut plus damages.
Night Captain Prodavac “Keanu Reeves” Devola: Sussy sussy lying doodoo head. Running for his life like a little
Maude: Basically the female Kukassy. Houses shady figures for coin rather than inebriating them.
Slave Raiding Party: Will they survive being convinced by a charismatic moron to start a warzone with basically no training? Probably not.
Aseir and Andala: Don’t even know which end of the spear to use at this point. BUT THESE LITTLE SAND BOIS WILL LEARN
Thin Man: Still not getting his macros in. Dude’s gotta hit the ing gym
Assorted human prisoners: Imagine getting eaten to death by a bunch of ing rodents? Definitely wouldn’t happen to any of these guys.
Orc 1 and Orc 2: Like a Dr. Seuss spin-off, only with somehow an even worse habit of racial stereotype confirmation
Bandagh: GOOD GREEN BOI
Lia: Resurrected by the powers of evil! Yay! “Var….Varis?” to snapping necks real quick
Random Guard and Civilian Witness: Wrong place, wrong time my guys



Planning the Assault:
We open with the group planning their much-needed assault on boy Devola’s Southern Ward. Despite the plan’s many flaws which were quickly pointed out by Varragh, Varis proposes the “Chewbacca Gambit” with Harminil now playing bait, much to the High Elf’s resistance. Despite a fear for their newfound Jihadis’ safety, Varis goes along with it because his alcoholism-induced brain damage prevents him from exerting any further brain power towards finding an alternative. Varragh loves this idea because once again, she is slowly becoming an absolute pyromaniac, and Harminil doesn’t care as long as he gets a rematch with the filthy HUMAN bastard who DARED talk about the elvish master race and somehow escaped their previous duel. Varis does wish to plan and train in order to put the freed Jihadis in the best position to succeed but Varragh quickly convinces him to hurry by implying Lia is getting taken to pound town to piss him off. Also, while discussing the possible means of firebombing the barracks, Varragh and Harminil again go into an extensive conversation revolving around some mythical and arcane knowledge foreign to Faerun known as “chemistry”.
Returning to Maude’s with a plan, Varis is pursued by a shadowy figure who he is unable to get off his tail. Getting “pissed”, he finally has it with the guy and charges the guy who proceeds to beat the out the drunken paladin. He then draws his sword and casts divine smite while cutting the out of this shifty fella. The brawl turns into a grappling match where the two are rolling around with each other in a bloody mess as Varis screams “WHO THE ARE YOU????”. “Totally a good guy” Varis chooses “slicing this guy’s ballsack off” as his attack of choice, turning this poor guy into a dying eunuch. The “totally a good guy and not fan of torture” Varis cures the man’s wounds, barely, so he isn’t dying, and proceeds to interrogate Ball-less Bill. Ball-less Bill, butthurt by his balls being aborted, admits to being a member of the Shadow Thieves (oh yeah those ers we frame for everything are still around) but says “I can’t tell you his name” regarding who sent him and then scampers off while sending some vague threats. Varis just insults him for not having a dick as he leaves.
On arriving at Maude’s post de-balling, Varis finally learns his new compatriots’ names: the two spearmen are Andala yn Basha adh Jassan and Aseir yn Pashad adh Jassan, the swordsmen Zashir yn Mosana adh Jassan, Sudeiman yn Bashar adh Jassan and Mhemen yn Sadeid adh Jassan, the greatswordman Saddam yn Hussein adh Jassan (wielding his sword of Mass Destruction) and the bow-women Yashiera yr Jasmal adh Jassan and Atala Hama adh Jassan. Seeing that the entire group is made up of former slaves of Jassan, Varis urges them to retake their name as free men as they fight against the slavers, further encouraging the group and rousing them to follow Varragh’s devious plan.
The most suited for leading the guerrilla diversion strike force is deemed to be Saddam, due to his prior experiences in chemical warfare and presumed ability to evade capture. See, Saddam is a big ol’ boi and he is down to kill his enemies by any means necessary for his new pal Varis. He takes the other swordsmen and bow-women into two groups to raise hell with a few Waterdavian cocktails, while Varragh begrudgingly decides to take the least protected, the spearmen Aseir and Andala to keep them safe in attacking the Southern barracks.
Also, during this time as she describes the plan, Varragh gives a super confusing order about “trusting me to trust them to trust you” like she’s out of the ing Honeymooners. She gets visibly excited while describing the plans to use fire to the point its surprising she’s ever in any other season. Harminil tries to give the swordsmen some pointers while being pretty sure the inferior hyoomies aren’t gonna be able to do anyway. He agrees with Varis when he makes a “no other human is above you” speech, because to him all humans are equally .
The party arrives that evening at the barracks with some positive parting words, certain the 6 slaves will cause chaos and totally make it out fine while they take down an entire watch barracks with literally five people, two of whom literally don’t even know how to hold a spear and provide little besides being super amped to kill some people due to the words of a guy they met like two days ago. Varragh decides to try charming the guard Feck Suckertash: “You can call me Fek ma’am, only mah mom calls me Mister Suckertash” by pulling the Chewbacca Gambit without any previous discussion and probably scaring the out of Aseir and Andala who are being used as bait.
Based on his lack of corruption and knowledge regarding the situation it becomes clear that Feck is “one of the good ones”. Varis decides to try to convince Feck about the truth of what is happening in increasingly blunt terms while Varragh and especially Harminil try to convince him to shut the up, and Feck calls him a crazy conspiracy theorist who needs help. As Feck turns to open the gate, Varragh puts a knife to his throat and regretfully allows him to flee at Varis’ urging, but also attracts the attention of the guards. Out come the guards, including Big Beefy the 7 ft tall from the bar like 9 sessions ago wielding a big ass hammer.
Fighting in a chokehold at the gate, Varis tosses out some “Death to the Slavers” lines as he tries to hit them with his whip, Varragh bounces between drawing her dagger and shooting her hand crossbow at Big Beefy’s face, and Harminil as usual gives away ripostes like he’s Oprah. In this initial skirmish, Aseir pulls forward to support before instantly getting his face caved in and only being saved by Varis laying his hands on Aseir’s naughty parts to help his rise anew. Aseir at this point would just be dead weight and is told to flee the scene, while an ecstatic Andala “the Legend” straight up kills a dude while dodging every hit like he's Trump dodging ‘Nam with a forged bone spur diagnosis. Eventually Big Beefy and the Boys get absolutely annihilated by the party+ Aseir, only for a new problem to emerge.
All these s on the walls come up ready to fire and blow some magical horn that puts a big signal over the party, signaling 5 stars on their wanted level. Knowing they’re absolutely ed, the party and Aseir sprint down an open stairway to the lower levels of the barracks. Once down there, the party starts attacking the guards there, with Harminil getting publicly annoyed at Varis stealing the idea of using combat catchphrases when he tries to rouse Andala with a “Death to the Slavers” battlecry.
During this basement battle, the party encounters Big Deformed Mother er, the Jailor. Big Deformed Mother er, looking like a cross between that Orc Captain from Return of the King, Charles II of Spain (whose face looked like someone put it in a photoshop blend tool), and Akar’s mother, is none too happy to have adventurers in his torture pit. Eventually, despite him too being big and scary and wielding a big ing axe, Big Deformed Mother er gets ed (non-sexually) by the party. The party looks around through Big Deformed Mother er’s office and finds a bunch of Big Mother er , including some sort of crude drawing indicating he may have ripped Varis’ girl’s arms off, triggering poor Varry.
The party lastly finds cells, one of which is a large dungeon full of innocent prisoners being held without cause or trial, even a couple of children. Explaining the situation to these prisoners, they choose to stay where they are until further notice. Looking deeper, they find more, including a few seemingly “real prisoners” who seem to be total sociopaths. Three orcs join, with only Bandagh not being a total obvious piece of because the DM chooses to write all the orcs as racial stereotypes smh.
Finally, in the oubliette we find Lia, practically catatonic and barely aware of where she is, but still in possession of both her arms. Varis is relieved but also furious.
END SESSION 1



Escaping the Barracks:
Varis, even after giving her a healing potion, is fearful for his lost lovers’ ability to survive her condition. Andala, looking up to his mentor who radicalized him, helps carry her up as the party finds a “scary trap door”. Knowing the scary trap door is their only path of survival with upstairs flooded with guards, Varis decides to inform the prisoners it’s either “come with us right now or stay here”. Suddenly, that creepy anorexic mother er from like 3 months ago when the party burned down the bank shows up going all “HEY MAN WHY DON’T YOU GIVE UR GF’S SOUL TO ME FOR MY POWER OR GIVE ME YOUR SOUL TO HEAL HER AND BE IN ETERNAL DEBT AND BE A SLAVE AGAIN” and Varis, being the short-term thinker he is as well as desperate is like “YOU SON OF A IM IN” and then returns to real life with the knowledge he just sold himself to a devil. The Thin Man also reveals himself to be a filthy, untrustworthy Pole on his way out.
Varis convinces the dungeon prisoners, a few humans, a few midgets and the orcs to band together as the party ventures down into the the hole. Torq and Stav, blatant orcs are being heavily watched for betrayal. Lia also immediately mostly recovers even if still confused as as to what her stalker ex is doing here trying to kidnap her from her totally awesome current home.
Venturing down into the sewers, the party sneaks ahead and finds a hole barracks full of gruff, viking looking guys sleeping. Eventually, failing in their stealth they create a standoff with the group of smelly, sewer men. Harminil, in his genius and somehow for the first time successful in his deception efforts, convinces their leader Steve, crowned as leader due to being the most disgusting of the bunch, that Harminil is a member of the city guard. The criminal sewer men immediately get hostile, creating a moronic escalation of arms in which the orcs are called in and the sewer men keep pulling more of their own out of the shadows. Eventually the party’s real journey is revealed, leading (literal) Steve to offer safe passage in exchange for slaves. While bordering on evil and always practical Varragh is especially down for this as a good chance to remove the orcish threat (Harminil leaning towards removing the dirty greenskins too), annoying as and rigid Varis is against all slavery and starts proselytizing about the morals of the mission until Varragh just decides any benefits isn’t worth Varis’ .
Finally, a non-violent compromise is reached through the powers of intimidation and MAD, as the party decides to continue leading the slaves to freedom, calling upon the powers of Ilmater to part the Brown Sea. Heading southwards, the party encounters its most threatening enemy yet, the Waterdavian Sewers Rat King. A violent battle occurs, with the Rat King out rats with each hit and Harminil kicking the out of each one to drown in the water. Brave slaves such as Meloon “Obi-Wan” Wardragon and Garth “Lamar” Erendeir get eaten whole by a swarm of rats like they’re Kenny while Varis screams “You Bastards!” at them, before being reminded rats don’t speak common.
Via a combination of smites, crossbow shots, orcish fury, slaves being used as bait, and elvish curb stomps (Harminil is prepping for his role in the upcoming “Elven History X”), the rat king is flushed down the toilet, and its treasure is taken by Harminil for himself. Preparing to retake his family’s crown, Harminil must first wield a legendary, kingly weapon: The Sword in the . The party eventually makes its way out of the sewers, with the shifty orcs immediately running away and the party making its way home to refresh and avoid contracting sepsis.
The next day, a lot of valuable information is gained. Firstly, they remember Evander’s poor ass has been completely abandoned. Making his way back to Maude’s Varis learns all his other active jihadis, including the legendary Saddam, have finally been caught by American forces in a hole in the ground. Despite this, Varis and Harminil agree that Devola must be killed, either to end the slavery once and for all or to remove a pompous dick human who doesn’t bow to elven superiority from existence. Somehow Varis completely ignores and doesn’t interact with his supposed “lost love” at all before returning.
The next day, Varragh goes for a relaxing park stroll and coffee while Varis and Harminil go to Kukassy’s where Harmy is forced to apologize through his teeth while elbowing Varis in the ribs for it. At some point, Varis remembers to actually speak with his woman while at Maude’s after prioritizing his personal armed fan club, and they share a tender moment where they get eachother up to speed on the prior events, with Lia having reached freedom in Waterdeep and engaging in occasional rogue-like behavior, but also having been taken in on false charges and tortured for having attempted a violent escape plan.
At this point a plan must be made despite Varragh’s constant protests. Varis gains hope 1 of his 6 jihadis will survive, and Aseir and Andala practically demand taking part in the rescue alongside the rest of the willing freedmen. Varragh insists continuing onwards to finish the job entirely is “entirely stupid”, so Varis decides to swear an oath of utter loyalty once this is complete but points out that an oath of vengeance and towards Harminil wins a 2:1 vote against an oath to Varragh. Varis again offers even more of the coin from the bank heist to her.
The ragtag team decides to stake out the barracks for like a ing day and a half before realizing that this Devola is not coming out. Deciding to interrogate a guard and possibly steal his uniform, the party completely botches the plan and creates a scene in the streets, forcing Varragh to go to her usual “no prisoners” routine and kill the guard and a random civilian witness. Despite protests, she points out it was their stupid asses that chose to not wear any disguise while committing violent crimes for about the 15th time this month, and their faces couldn’t be revealed to anyone who would put a target on their back. Like usual, she has a point as the two boys, complete dumbasses, stare at her in complete confusion. Before dying, the guard did reveal that Devola is completely holed up and probably totally paranoid in the barracks.
Now, the party has a new plan in place. Yet another assault on the barracks, a final quest to kill Devola and end the slaver ring once and for all by traveling back through the sewers and storming the barracks from the inside. Together, a drunken slave to endless oaths, a racist elf ready to enact judgement, and a fed-up Eladrin with a knack for the finer things (and fire) WILL kill Devola and they WILL end the slaver ring, or die trying.
Points to Consider for next time:
Will the party succeed in their quest to end the slave ring?
Will the party be prepared and successfully sneak into the barracks?
Will the party ever learn WHAT THE happened to Evander?
When will Harminil and Varragh’s debts be called upon by the Thin Man, the Spindly Pole, Mister Twardowski?
Will there be any negative repercussions to Varis going all in on evil magic ?
Will Harminil be able to defeat the bastard Devola who talked about elvenkind in their rematch?
How will Varragh see profit in this endeavor and further push Varis into her debt?
Is it possible Varis actually remember this girl was the entire reason he did this?
WHO THE IS BEHIND THE PRISONERS AND SLAVES BEING TRANSPORTED?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME