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Thread: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

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    Default An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    This is a companion piece to my previous thread regarding tips for European travelers to the US, these are my guidelines and thoughts for Americans visiting Europe. I know that for many of us, going to new places is as scary as it can be exciting. Exploring new cultures can be fun, but it is important to remember that not everywhere is America, even though they are all secretly jealous of us. Just follow these simple guidelines and you will be ok!

    1. Apply for a passport. This is not as simple as it seems, and you should allow for 12 weeks from your appointments at the post office in order to receive your passport. Your passport also serves as an ID and often a get out of jail free card. Brandishing your passport to foreign police often intimidates them, and can be a handy way to avoid run-ins with foreign law enforcement. In non-English speaking countries, it also helps to scream "GEORGE BUSH, GEORGE BUSH" at the top of your lungs.

    2. Foreign currency. Yes, all foreign currency looks like monopoly money, but did you know it actually has value? In order to keep things simple, merely thrust a fistful of the foreign bills into the faces of merchants and let them sort out the counting. Smile as widely as possible. After all, they were lucky enough to live in a capitalist society where American tourists go.

    3. Not everyone speaks English, however, if you repeat yourself in English loudly and slowly enough, many foreigners will actually understand what you mean. Be as slow and loud as you need to be until you get what you want by process of elimination.

    4. Most Europeans, especially the British, are too shy to initiate conversations, especially in public places. In the case of the British, this is due to their crushing shame at losing two wars against the US and then almost Germany twice until we saved them. Do not panic. Smile widely and be as loud as possible, to include the whole train car, and ask everyone questions like what their favorite color is, or where the nearest McDonalds is. Constantly compliment their accents by saying how cute it sounds. They love that!

    5. Always be mindful of your dress. Europe is a land of many different and confusing climates. Sandals are comfy and breathable, but what if a freak gale moves in? Always keep white knee socks in your back pocket to put on in the middle of the day. Knee socks will allow you to wear shorts no matter what because if you get cold, you can just roll up your socks.

    6. To Europeans, ice is basically unknown. They serve almost all beverages lukewarm, which is of course disgusting. Plan accordingly and try not to act too disgusted when they serve you a coke at room temperature without ice. For some the shock is too great. Try not to break down sobbing until you reach the restroom. Remember, you are representing the greatest nation on earth - DO NOT CRY IN FRONT OF THEM. Next thing we know they'll try to burn the whitehouse down again or something.

    7. Speaking of beverages, there are no free refills. I don't know what to tell you. I have no explanation for this. Just be aware.

    8. Portion sizes. Most Europeans subsist on half the daily caloric intake as the average American, hence their emaciated appearance. Fortunately, American cultural imperialism has been so successful we have McDonalds in basically every country now. These American embassies are able to serve you most of the traditional fare you are accustomed to, just make sure to double your normal order to make it an average meal.

    8A. Coupons issued in America are not valid in Europe, apparently, no matter how loudly and slowly you explain why they should be.

    8B. Some managers named "Taylor Hayte" will call the police on you if you don't leave his McDonalds even though you've done nothing wrong and have an American passport to show why you outrank him in a Mcdonalds.

    8C. Most police in Britain don't have guns, and will try to just talk you out of doing what you want to do. They will either be, somehow, too fat to pursue you or too weak to withstand the moves you learned watching hundreds of hours of WWE.

    I hope this has been helpful and please remember, while international travel can be scary, it is also a lot of fun.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Britannia is not Europe. We have nothing to do with those naked savages with blue tattoos since they cut the program to civilization.

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    9. Britain is not Europe any more because Brexit but we don't know what it is yet because they still love socialism: stand by

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    what are the rules on referring to all parts of the UK as "England"

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    The punishment is to be shot, and then thrown from a passenger plane.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Himster View Post
    The trick is to never be honest. That's what this social phenomenon is engineering: publicly conform, or else.
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Quote Originally Posted by Akar View Post
    what are the rules on referring to all parts of the UK as "England"
    Oh are there any? They're all white, right? All of it is just England.

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    it's all england to me

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Patronised by Pontifex Maximus

    Quote Originally Posted by Himster View Post
    The trick is to never be honest. That's what this social phenomenon is engineering: publicly conform, or else.
    Quote Originally Posted by Settra View Post
    If language is fluid banning words is pointless.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Quote Originally Posted by Pontifex Maximus View Post
    5. Always be mindful of your dress. Europe is a land of many different and confusing climates. Sandals are comfy and breathable, but what if a freak gale moves in? Always keep white knee socks in your back pocket to put on in the middle of the day. Knee socks will allow you to wear shorts no matter what because if you get cold, you can just roll up your socks.
    for all that is sacred, good and worthy in this and in the next life, DON'T DO THAT



    If you can't manage to wear sandals without socks (because of cold) don't wear them! We are the direct heirs of Romans and we don't wear sandals, that should mean something eh?
    Also, only tourists will wear white socks and sandals, so don't complain if our best thieves will be targeting you then, because you asked for it.

    Finally, what the hell is a free refill?
    Last edited by Flinn; June 22, 2020 at 07:22 AM.
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    those socks are white and virginal

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Quote Originally Posted by Flinn View Post
    so don't complain if our best thieves will be targeting you then, because you asked for it.
    Fun fact, this is how I got mugged in Rome!

    Finally, what the hell is a free refill?
    Wine is cheaper in Italy than Coca-Cola, that messed me up for a while. And it was good ass wine

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    When in the eastern half of the continent make sure to display your moral superiority by bringing up the reatment of african-american minorities in the local community and the prevalence of white people everywhere.
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Quote Originally Posted by Aexodus View Post
    Patronised by Pontifex Maximus

    Quote Originally Posted by Himster View Post
    The trick is to never be honest. That's what this social phenomenon is engineering: publicly conform, or else.
    Quote Originally Posted by Settra View Post
    If language is fluid banning words is pointless.

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    Diamat's Avatar VELUTI SI DEUS DARETUR
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Important for Visiting Germany:

    Resist the urge to talk about Hitler or the Nazis. Do not say "Heil Hitler" and do not extend your arm in a Hitleresque salute. I know it's tough to resist, but at least try. Also, prepare to be treated in an unfriendly manner by staff in stores. Their attitude has nothing to do with you. They're just generally unhappy people who don't want anyone to come to their stores.

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Furthermore, expect every German to look like a (southern) Bavarian and talk like a bavarian. It the German in your vincinity doesn`t look like that, ask where the real Germans are and where the Oktoberfest is.

    If you end in nothern Germany, feel free to ask why the beer tastes so bad.

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Quote Originally Posted by Pontifex Maximus View Post
    Fun fact, this is how I got mugged in Rome!
    I've warned plenty of people about that, no one listens to me.. fact is, we don't like to rob rich people (too much of an hassle), we like to rob distracted people (it's easier) and tourists are distracted by definition


    Wine is cheaper in Italy than Coca-Cola, that messed me up for a while. And it was good ass wine
    it depends on the wine of course, most of it is not really cheaper, at the least when you consume it in bottles
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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    British people are jaded by Americans and in Germany they're not overly impressed if you know some German. If you can't speak French well enough the French almost seem to take offense at your barbarian version of it. When I visited Italy, though, people were nearly freaking applauding the fact that I bothered to learn enough conversational Italian to order things in a shop selling gelato. LOL. So depending on where you go, it wouldn't hurt to learn some of the local terms or national language.

    Also, yes, white socks with sandals = big virgin energy.

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    The trick is to learn just enough of the language to mock it's users relentlessly.

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    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    You will be ordering a footlong Subway sandwich to meet your American dietary needs and to get some respite of the weird local food. Try not to take offense and keep your passport in your pocket when the people working at the Subway location do not understand what footlong means. Also, do not get the enticing potato chips because they are most likely expired. No European accepts potato chips as a side to a meal. The British might, but they also call them crisps because the word "chips" is reserved for freedom fries.

  20. #20

    Default Re: An American's Guide to Visiting Europe

    Quote Originally Posted by Septentrionalis View Post
    You will be ordering a footlong Subway sandwich to meet your American dietary needs and to get some respite of the weird local food. Try not to take offense and keep your passport in your pocket when the people working at the Subway location do not understand what footlong means. Also, do not get the enticing potato chips because they are most likely expired. No European accepts potato chips as a side to a meal. The British might, but they also call them crisps because the word "chips" is reserved for freedom fries.
    Thank god they call it a footlong, I was ready to call it a 3/5 meter long just so they know what I'm talking about. Do people in your land have a different word for "ham"? Please tell me

    Quote Originally Posted by Flinn View Post
    I've warned plenty of people about that, no one listens to me.. fact is, we don't like to rob rich people (too much of an hassle), we like to rob distracted people (it's easier) and tourists are distracted by definition

    it depends on the wine of course, most of it is not really cheaper, at the least when you consume it in bottles
    Maybe I was so easy to rob because I was drunk on cheap wine the whole time?

    Quote Originally Posted by Morifea View Post
    Furthermore, expect every German to look like a (southern) Bavarian and talk like a bavarian. It the German in your vincinity doesn`t look like that, ask where the real Germans are and where the Oktoberfest is.

    If you end in nothern Germany, feel free to ask why the beer tastes so bad.
    What the is a Bavarian?

    Quote Originally Posted by Diamat View Post
    Important for Visiting Germany:

    Resist the urge to talk about Hitler or the Nazis. Do not say "Heil Hitler" and do not extend your arm in a Hitleresque salute. I know it's tough to resist, but at least try. Also, prepare to be treated in an unfriendly manner by staff in stores. Their attitude has nothing to do with you. They're just generally unhappy people who don't want anyone to come to their stores.
    I take this to mean that Germans want us to openly celebrate the American victory over them and constantly remind them that we beat them? Should I dress like Ike?

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