Ana De Armas' spanked butt represents the might and the majesty of Rome

[Roma_Victrix]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my latest installment in praise of the fine arts, my esteemed cinematic critique and film critic's review of the Spanish language television series Hispania, La Leyenda (2010-2012), starring Ana De Armas as Nerea.



Since you all know me as a genius film critic as proven by black and white photos of me with my sports coat slung over my shoulder, a corn cob pipe in my mouth, my chin resting pensively on my fist as my elbow rests on my raised knee as I stare into the distance like an aloof intellectual, you'll forget all about the fact that I barely understand and don't speak much Spanish at all. Instead you'll focus on how I feel about this show and the abstract concepts it portrays through action and imagery, the meat and potatoes of film! Who cares what they're saying? It matters more how they make you FEEL! Even more so when it serves as a vehicle to convey the might and the majesty of our beloved Roman forefathers, as interpreted by me! The respected film critic among a sea of unwashed plebeians on this site whose opinions are clearly lower than mine when it comes to the estimation of high culture.

Let us begin! Clearly the only reason anyone goes back to see any of this stuff a decade later is because it happens to star the lovely young Cuban-born actress Ana De Armas, initially based in Spain and before she took Hollywood by storm in recent years and shacked up with Ben Affleck in California. In the show she plays a very naughty bad "esclava" slave named Nerea, born in the 2nd century BC as a filthy rowdy Iberian barbarian babe in lands now considered provincial territories of Hispania by the Romans. She has the nerve to challenge the might and the majesty of Rome, and for being a bad girl she's spanked right on her butt and sent to bed without supper. That's the essence of the show really, and she's hardly the only bad barbarian bondage beauty who gets gagged and whipped across her butt in this show. It's a repetitive theme that slaps you, the viewer, over and over again, and really serves as the benchmark for the expression of the infinite wisdom and strength of the Senate and People of Rome (Senatus Populusque Romanus), if not the Roman man's burden in civilizing the barbaroi. If you're a fan of Roman law and order bringing Hispanics to heel, then this is the show for you!



Here's some samples of that for you to study for academic purposes (WARNING: uh, not entirely sure these violates the TWC TOS, but putting it in a spoiler anyway. There's no real nudity or graphic violence, and it's all in that sultry Spanish talk, so if there is a swear word or two I wouldn't even know about it.):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Even more Iberian barbarian bad girls getting it (starting to think the guy who made this show had something for BDSM, but I just can't put my finger on exactly how, though):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Here she is getting creeped on by old Roman dudes. To me, the esteemed film critic here, this seems like a fabulous metaphor for the central importance of the pater familias in Roman society and the lessons we can gain today about respecting our elders, especially when they demand to sleep with us in unquestionable servitude backed by the force of law. And by golly if they want to brand your skin with a hot iron to demonstrate their ownership of property, then so be it, you whippersnapper!

WARNING: okay, I'm pretty sure THIS one violates the TOS, so in a spoiler it goes, only because it actually shows the skin of her back being branded:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The show seems to explore the themes of the brutal cruelty of Roman domination and the persistent spirit of the pre-Roman Celtic peoples and Iberian-speaking natives of Spain in their fight for independence and survival of their distinct cultures. Too bad for them that they smell, might makes right, and Rome is better! I mean, just look at Nerea's wardrobe as she goes from being a dirty hill tribe barbarian to a classy chiton-wearing Greco-Roman goddess with her hair all trussed, permed and fixed up by a Roman barber or fellow chambermaids. Did the native Iberians have fancy barbers? They sure didn't! Iberians 0, Rome 1. Boo those classless barbarians, boo their lack of hot iron hair curlers! That alone makes Rome superior. The end.

[RodriguesSting]

[Trarco]

OMG, I was watching that historical series when I started my degree, it was so historically inaccurate (fantasy panoplies, Greek names for the Lusitanian characters, absurd Roman behaviour...)! Basically, they hired a consultive professor for the series but then, they just ignored all his suggestions.

Good review, I totally prefer your summary to the story of the TV series.

BTW, How dare you? I can't speak for the stinky barbarian Lusitanians but Iberian women did have fancy barbers, see this :

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

[charlieh]

That is a fascinating picture, Trarco. I wonder if Celtiberian women sported similar styles?

[Satapatiš]

I think it's a valuable historical documentary reminding us how barbaric and harsh was life in the Western Mediterranean for all those warring cultures deprived the enlightenment of the Zoroaster's teachings.

[Trarco]

That is a fascinating picture, Trarco. I wonder if Celtiberian women sported similar styles?

Well, actually, Iberians and Celtiberians had different material culture, so we know some feminine Celtiberian jewels that differ from the Iberian ones. That said, in general terms, I guess we could say that they had similar styles, although in the Celtiberian case, we don't have as many primary sources as in the Iberian case. Here you can see a Celtiberian jewel and two representations of Celtiberian women:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Although it is not an easy task, the following illustrations of Celtiberian women are relatively accurate from an archaeological point of view (especially, in the case of the jewels):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I can post some accurate reenactments and illustrations of Iberian aristocratic women too, in this way you will be able to see the main differences. Note how the following illustrations try to reenact some of the Iberian figurines I posted in my above post:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The following two illustrations represent two of the main Iberian women's moment of life (BTW, when I speak about Iberians, I am referring to the eastern genuine Iberian peoples, so neither Hispano-Celts nor Lusitanians are including).

The first illustration represents a rite of passage in which an Iberian girl is going to become a woman. Note how the adult women are dressing the traditional capes and long dresses while the girl has two braids with two "hoops". Surely that was a symbol of childhood. The braids would have been cut when the girl became a woman.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The second illustration represents a birth. This illustration is accurate from an archaeological perspective, especially in regard to the material culture of the Iberian house. The attires are accurate too while the posture of the in labour Iberian woman is hypothetical but plausible.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

BTW, special mention to the Iberian "Damas" that could represent either powerful aristocratic Iberian women or Iberian priestess. Note her expensive feminine Iberian jewels.

-Reenactment of the Dama de Guardamar (Lady of Guardamar):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

-Dama de Elche (Lady of Elche) and an amazing reenactment of the Iberian lady:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

-And here you can see my favourite one, the Iberian Dama of Baza (Lady of Baza):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

EDIT: from the Iberian museum of Jaén:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

[Satapatiš]

Must've been more than a few influential and rich women in these societies to result in such surviving art.

[Roma_Victrix]

OMG, I was watching that historical series when I started my degree, it was so historically inaccurate (fantasy panoplies, Greek names for the Lusitanian characters, absurd Roman behaviour...)! Basically, they hired a consultive professor for the series but then, they just ignored all his suggestions.

Good review, I totally prefer your summary to the story of the TV series.

BTW, How dare you? I can't speak for the stinky barbarian Lusitanians but Iberian women did have fancy barbers, see this :

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Wait a minute, I've never seen a painted recreation of the Lady of Elche before. That's amazing! I just assumed all of that was her hair or something, didn't realize she had a big red hat on her head. It almost looks like a Phrygian cap, but obviously that was never in vogue in ancient pre-Roman Spain. Good point though, and glad you liked the review.

I think it's a valuable historical documentary reminding us how barbaric and harsh was life in the Western Mediterranean for all those warring cultures deprived the enlightenment of the Zoroaster's teachings.

Pack it up folks, Persia just won the Internet for today. Verily, there's no living hell like that devoid of Zoroaster.

Seems to me like Joker's having some disturbed thoughts. Perhaps he's grappling mentally with his latent spanking fetish after seeing Ana De Armas, but he just needs to take a cold shower and see his therapist again especially after that nightmare he had about bats.

[Trarco]

BTW, I forgot to mention that in the next version, thanks to Lusitanio, the family members' wives of the Iberian Peninsula will be a little more important. Now, we have a new trait system with several tiers that represents one of the main roles of the native aristocratic women (attested in the written sources) that consisted of keeping the social memory of the community and reminding the feats of the local heroes and ancestors (surely in a sacred way). The trait will be good for roleplaying and will also add some bonuses and maluses.

[Roma_Victrix]

BTW, I forgot to mention that in the next version, thanks to Lusitanio, the family members' wives of the Iberian Peninsula will be a little more important. Now, we have a new trait system with several tiers that represents one of the main roles of the native aristocratic women (attested in the written sources) that consisted of keeping the social memory of the community and reminding the feats of the local heroes and ancestors (surely in a sacred way). The trait will be good for roleplaying and will also add some bonuses and maluses.

Cool! Adds a bit more female representation to the game, for that matter, if only in trait systems, other than just faceless background characters in the family tree producing new faction heirs and generals.

[BailianSteel]

Trait Increase

Gynaikonomos

BTW, I forgot to mention that in the next version, thanks to Lusitanio, the family members' wives of the Iberian Peninsula will be a little more important. Now, we have a new trait system with several tiers that represents one of the main roles of the native aristocratic women (attested in the written sources) that consisted of keeping the social memory of the community and reminding the feats of the local heroes and ancestors (surely in a sacred way). The trait will be good for roleplaying and will also add some bonuses and maluses.

That's outstanding, I should definitely expand my boundaries when 2.4 comes out.

[charlieh]

Thank you Trarco. I shall be saving this thread and making notes! It really helps with those illustrations too, although I understand a degree of caution must be used.

Interested to learn about Lusitanio's traits as well.

[Trarco]

Cool! Adds a bit more female representation to the game, for that matter, if only in trait systems, other than just faceless background characters in the family tree producing new faction heirs and generals.

In fact, Lusitanio also added generic universal traits for the wives of all the factions, so now we will be able to know our family members's wives's wealth and personality.

[Roma_Victrix]

Trait Increase

Gynaikonomos

Indeed. It's a hard day's work checking on all those ladies.

Thank you Trarco. I shall be saving this thread and making notes! It really helps with those illustrations too, although I understand a degree of caution must be used.

Excellent.
I'm just happy that my sarcastic post has now somehow served a higher purpose and greater good.

In fact, Lusitanio also added generic universal traits for the wives of all the factions, so now we will be able to know our family members's wives's wealth and personality.

That's actually really cool. Their wealth should absolutely have an effect on the male character, I would imagine, in things like having early success or being overly ambitious, avaricious, or obtaining influence at a younger age.

[Satapatiš]

I'd like more ancillaries like the Evil Stepmother. They could be used to represent the family's women.

[Lusitanio]

In fact, Lusitanio also added generic universal traits for the wives of all the factions, so now we will be able to know our family members's wives's wealth and personality.

Well, I did the traits and triggers but the idea was all your so you deserve proper credit too

However, it still needs to be properly tested to ensure that the mechanic works all right. Sadly, I have been having issues with my pc and I haven't been able to playtest.