Ana De Armas' spanked butt represents the might and the majesty of Rome

[Roma_Victrix]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my latest installment in praise of the fine arts, my esteemed cinematic critique and film critic's review of the Spanish language television series Hispania, La Leyenda (2010-2012), starring Ana De Armas as Nerea.



Since you all know me as a genius film critic as proven by black and white photos of me with my sports coat slung over my shoulder, a corn cob pipe in my mouth, my chin resting pensively on my fist as my elbow rests on my raised knee as I stare into the distance like an aloof intellectual, you'll forget all about the fact that I barely understand and don't speak much Spanish at all. Instead you'll focus on how I feel about this show and the abstract concepts it portrays through action and imagery, the meat and potatoes of film! Who cares what they're saying? It matters more how they make you FEEL! Even more so when it serves as a vehicle to convey the might and the majesty of our beloved Roman forefathers, as interpreted by me! The respected film critic among a sea of unwashed plebeians on this site whose opinions are clearly lower than mine when it comes to the estimation of high culture.

Let us begin! Clearly the only reason anyone goes back to see any of this stuff a decade later is because it happens to star the lovely young Cuban-born actress Ana De Armas, initially based in Spain and before she took Hollywood by storm in recent years and shacked up with Ben Affleck in California. In the show she plays a very naughty bad "esclava" slave named Nerea, born in the 2nd century BC as a filthy rowdy Iberian barbarian babe in lands now considered provincial territories of Hispania by the Romans. She has the nerve to challenge the might and the majesty of Rome, and for being a bad girl she's spanked right on her butt and sent to bed without supper. That's the essence of the show really, and she's hardly the only bad barbarian bondage beauty who gets gagged and whipped across her butt in this show. It's a repetitive theme that slaps you, the viewer, over and over again, and really serves as the benchmark for the expression of the infinite wisdom and strength of the Senate and People of Rome (Senatus Populusque Romanus), if not the Roman man's burden in civilizing the barbaroi. If you're a fan of Roman law and order bringing Hispanics to heel, then this is the show for you!



Here's some samples of that for you to study for academic purposes (WARNING: uh, not entirely sure these violates the TWC TOS, but putting it in a spoiler anyway. There's no real nudity or graphic violence, and it's all in that sultry Spanish talk, so if there is a swear word or two I wouldn't even know about it.):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Even more Iberian barbarian bad girls getting it (starting to think the guy who made this show had something for BDSM, but I just can't put my finger on exactly how, though):

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Here she is getting creeped on by old Roman dudes. To me, the esteemed film critic here, this seems like a fabulous metaphor for the central importance of the pater familias in Roman society and the lessons we can gain today about respecting our elders, especially when they demand to sleep with us in unquestionable servitude backed by the force of law. And by golly if they want to brand your skin with a hot iron to demonstrate their ownership of property, then so be it, you whippersnapper!

WARNING: okay, I'm pretty sure THIS one violates the TOS, so in a spoiler it goes, only because it actually shows the skin of her back being branded:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The show seems to explore the themes of the brutal cruelty of Roman domination and the persistent spirit of the pre-Roman Celtic peoples and Iberian-speaking natives of Spain in their fight for independence and survival of their distinct cultures. Too bad for them that they smell, might makes right, and Rome is better! I mean, just look at Nerea's wardrobe as she goes from being a dirty hill tribe barbarian to a classy chiton-wearing Greco-Roman goddess with her hair all trussed, permed and fixed up by a Roman barber or fellow chambermaids. Did the native Iberians have fancy barbers? They sure didn't! Iberians 0, Rome 1. Boo those classless barbarians, boo their lack of hot iron hair curlers! That alone makes Rome superior. The end.

[Cookiegod]

Is it good?
Can I find it on Netflix? Wanna come Netflix and chill it with me?

[Roma_Victrix]

Is it good?
Can I find it on Netflix? Wanna come Netflix and chill it with me?

Actual Spaniards over at the Europa Barbarorum II sub-forum are telling me that it is a terrible show for having a cheesy anachronistic plot and characters while ignoring the input of its own historical advisers hired on set, but come on, now. Let's get real here. It has Ana De Armas getting spanked across her backside, twice! Can't beat that! Well, I guess you can beat it: twice!

It seems like the absolute perfect showcase material for Netflix, since they wheel and deal in various programs of this quality that nobody is actually looking for and finds only at random during browsing. However, as far as I know it is not on Netflix, at least not American Netflix, which I know is different from British Netflix, because I used to have the UK version while living over there in the nation of queens and silly hats. Also, I will oblige this request for Netflix and chill so long as you have a time machine to procure actual 2nd century BC native Iberian girls for your household as they cry and scream in an unintelligible language at our angry English commands while not understanding the modern contrivances around them like smart phones, light bulbs and television sets. That's my fetish.

[Akar]

Thank you for bringing this...information...to my...attention. I'll be in my...office.

[Roma_Victrix]

Thank you for bringing this...information...to my...attention. I'll be in my...office.

You're very welcome! You'll need a wide glass of brandy in your study afterwards, no doubt. I'm just glad that some are gaining so much from my review.

[Cookiegod]

Sure, I can build you that time machine no problem Roma. But it takes a lot to run it. Do you have the sexual energy necessary to be spanked back 2 millennia?

[Akar]

If he doesn't I certainly do. I've been repressing myself for two decades just for this purpose.

[paleologos]

I have two remarks of on this.

If Ana de Armas (Cuban) is descended from Spaniards she would not be a very good portrayer of a Celtiberian girl.
Everyone knows the Spaniards are in reality Visigoths and they did do to the native Cubans pretty much everything the Romans did to the Celtiberians and then some (if you account for old world diseases).

The other thing is that perhaps there is a missed point here.
It is not just a show about the civilized Romans versus the unwashed Celtiberians.
It is a show about the strong hand of the dominating patriarchal Roman men who are shining the light of their superior culture to a free spirited, yet unguided and naive Celtiberian maiden.
A girl who would otherwise be condemned to live her live in a delusion of self empowered freedom with which she wouldn't know what to do.

In a way the show is -or has strong elements of- a historicalesque fifty shades of grey in a Visigothic-pretending-to-be-Celtiberian setting.
Given the erosion of strong male virtues in our time, if such a show finds a female audience, one might reasonably suspect a Freudian fostering of a longing for the aforementioned lost virtues on the part of said audience.

[Septentrionalis]

It is entirely beyond me how someone would want to spank the butt of something as sweet as Ana de Armas.

[paleologos]

You are such a blue pill.

[Septentrionalis]

You are such a blue pill.

And not only that, but a dead-serious person who never writes in jest!

[Sir Adrian]

Ana is really confusing. One the one hand she is unbelievably cute and exactly my type, on the other I am completely unattracted to her.

[Akar]

More for me.

[Roma_Victrix]

It is entirely beyond me how someone would want to spank the butt of something as sweet as Ana de Armas.

You're right, Sept, spanking should just be replaced by gentle patting...hours and hours of gentle patting on her buttocks instead.

Sure, I can build you that time machine no problem Roma. But it takes a lot to run it. Do you have the sexual energy necessary to be spanked back 2 millennia?

I wasn't aware that traveling back in time created sexual exhaustion. In that case forget it! Going back 2 millennia would mean my dick would just shrivel off!

Hey, wait a minute here...did you deliberately design a time machine to decrease sexual energy/libido?

I have two remarks of on this.

If Ana de Armas (Cuban) is descended from Spaniards she would not be a very good portrayer of a Celtiberian girl.
Everyone knows the Spaniards are in reality Visigoths and they did do to the native Cubans pretty much everything the Romans did to the Celtiberians and then some (if you account for old world diseases).

The other thing is that perhaps there is a missed point here.
It is not just a show about the civilized Romans versus the unwashed Celtiberians.
It is a show about the strong hand of the dominating patriarchal Roman men who are shining the light of their superior culture to a free spirited, yet unguided and naive Celtiberian maiden.
A girl who would otherwise be condemned to live her live in a delusion of self empowered freedom with which she wouldn't know what to do.

In a way the show is -or has strong elements of- a historicalesque fifty shades of grey in a Visigothic-pretending-to-be-Celtiberian setting.
Given the erosion of strong male virtues in our time, if such a show finds a female audience, one might reasonably suspect a Freudian fostering of a longing for the aforementioned lost virtues on the part of said audience.

These last points are kinda good, but I don't think it makes sense to generalize all Spaniards as Germanic Visigoths, when those same Visigoths eventually intermarried not only with Romans who had been intermarrying with Celtiberians for centuries (and whose culture was already basically assimilated by the time the Visigoths arrived in Roman Spain) but even intermarried with Muslim Moors, most of whom were admittedly evicted in the Reconquista and Inquisition as Moriscos. Let us also throw in the fact that Spain was colonized by both Greeks in the northeast and Carthaginians in the southeast before the Romans even stepped foot on the Iberian peninsula. To say that Ana De Armas is a Visigoth is pretty much ignoring this enormous stew of different ethnic groups in the milieu of the Iberian gene pool.

Ana is really confusing. One the one hand she is unbelievably cute and exactly my type, on the other I am completely unattracted to her.

That's a fair statement. Sometimes physical attraction is inexplicable, arguably always subjective and due to the eye of the beholder. She is universally pretty but that doesn't mean everyone is bound to enjoy her distinct personality. Maybe some guys don't like the Cuban Spanish accent (including even other Hispanics and Spaniards from Spain), others don't like her laugh, others don't like her smile or the way she does her hair, etc. However, the Roman soldier holding the whip could probably care less! Because he has a job to do, Settra, a job to civilize the barbarians, and if that means he has to spank her ass then so be it.

[Cookiegod]

No the laws of physics dictate that time travel requires a huge amount of energy which cannot be obtained conventionally. Though yes, I did appreciate the irony.
Note that any chicks we bring back with us will be 2.2k years old

[Akar]

The laws of physics dictate no such thing.

[Septentrionalis]

However, the Roman soldier holding the whip could probably care less! Because he has a job to do, Settra, a job to civilize the barbarians, and if that means he has to spank her ass then so be it.

A pragmatic, no-nonsense approach to ass spanking is a virtue in anyone engaged in civilizing nations. I bet there are women who find that attractive in a man.

[Cookiegod]

I bet there are men who find that attractive in others as well.

[Akar]

hi it's me the man you talk about