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Thread: Your Guide to Visiting America

  1. #1

    Default Your Guide to Visiting America

    It has come to my attention that many European tourists have found some of our customs to be very hard to navigate, so I thought I'd give a short helpful list about etiquette and local customs, and things of that nature.

    1. When landing in the US, if your flight has been smooth, please applaud for the captain of the aircraft and the crew. This is standard and expected of all white tourists. If you are not white you may choose to ignore this custom.

    2. Tipping. Yes, say what you will about our restaurant industry, but tipping is standard. For exceptional service, you should tip 20%. For average service, 15%. If you got bad service and you want to make a point about it by being petty (which I do on occasion when service is extremely poor) then you tip 10%.

    3. "I am going to visit New York, then go to Disney World then check out San Francisco." No, no you're not. Unless you want to be on a plan for half your vacation. Pick a local spot and explore the spots around it. NYC, Orlando, National Parks, California, you need to remember to keep your trip regional or you'll waste a lot of it traveling in our country.

    4. US Customs and Border agents will issue you a standard firearm when you arrive at the airport, one gun per family. Please note that these weapons are on loan to you, and as a courtesy we expect you to have cleaned them before you turn them back in at the bins upon your departure. You will also be expected to tip your agent for exceptional service.

    5. It is best to avoid talking about politics. Nobody likes a know it all and foreigners often come across as condescending when they discuss politics with us.

    6. Most people are friendly and will be helpful if you have questions about directions, fees for attractions, or things of that nature. It isn't regarded as rude or bothersome to help someone who asks. Just make sure you tip the person if they have provided excellent service.

    7. When entering an American's home for the first time as a guest, it is customary for everyone to face the flag near the front door and recite the pledge of allegiance. If you don't know the words, just stand at attention or salute the flag.

    8. Sales tax is not included in the price on the shelf, expect to pay approximately 5% more in sales tax then the posted price.

    9. You are not required to tip fast food workers or most takeaway services. Some places may have a tip jar out on the counter, and it is usually polite to at least put all your change in it, if not a few fresh bills if the employees were nice and prompt with your order.

    10. If you end up needing medical care while you are in the US, you will not be turned away if you don't have insurance or can't pay. This is a common misconception. The ER must always treat anyone who shows up. Make sure you tip your doctor for good service though.

    11. For the most part, the tap water will not make you sick. The exceptions to this is tap water from Flint, Michigan and all of Florida, where the aquifers are basically all swamp water.

    12. It is customary to salute all police officers or service members you see in uniform. If you fail to do so, you will be suspected of doing a crime.

    13. Men who order only single patties on their burgers are considered weak, and possibly impotent. In order to be respected, men must typically order at least a double burger, but should also ask for bacon and cheese to be safe.

    14. Please do not use the handicap parking spaces or mobility carts, even if you have a genuine injury. These spaces and carts are made available for only those so fat that walking the aisles to buy more donuts and oreos is simply too taxing for them. Please be considerate of our obese.

    Any questions?

  2. #2
    Flinn's Avatar Jokersconi abides...
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    lol

    8. Sales tax is not included in the price on the shelf, expect to pay approximately 5% more in sales tax then the posted price.
    only 5%? Here is pretty much 50% or above
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  3. #3

    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    I visited Italy and France a few years back, I just held out fistfulls of Euros and let them take what it costs. Everyone knows non-American money is fake anyway.

    The French shop owners particularly hated my group because we would clean out the bakeries every morning, some people literally got cut off because we would end up buying everything up so there was nothing left for the locals.

  4. #4
    alhoon's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    - Is it considered bad manners if, after inspecting the state-issued gun, you tell the fellow that "My grandma has a better one, she would be ashamed to be caught with this puny thing." with the right amount of condescending look and look of "I try to not show I am looking down at this toy", and tip only 15% for good service?

    - What do I do if I enter an American home that has TWO flags near the front door? Do I turn towards the westernmost one if it is afternoon or the easternmost one if it is morning?

    - What do I do if I enter an American home that has the Confederacy flag and the American flag? What do I do if I am not white and enter that home?

    - Do we have to say the words loudly? As a European, I prefer to not wake up the residents when breaking-and-entering, but I want to be respectful though.

    - Could I order the manly burger but not eat it all? On a scale of 1 (very low) to 10 (very much), how shameful would I be if I don't manage to finish my manly burger and all my female friends eat a bigger, manlier one?

    - About politics, what if I am a know-it-all that obviously knows better than the locals about their politicians, their problems and the people to address those problems?
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  5. #5

    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    Quote Originally Posted by alhoon View Post
    - Is it considered bad manners if, after inspecting the state-issued gun, you tell the fellow that "My grandma has a better one, she would be ashamed to be caught with this puny thing." with the right amount of condescending look and look of "I try to not show I am looking down at this toy", and tip only 15% for good service?
    You are absolutely entitled to petition US Customs for a better weapon, at which point you will be issued a fully automatic .50 caliber gun of some sort, whatever is most readily available, as well as three courtesy grenades for the trouble. If you have any children, they will be issued complimentary .22 rifles for the trouble.

    - What do I do if I enter an American home that has TWO flags near the front door? Do I turn towards the westernmost one if it is afternoon or the easternmost one if it is morning?
    A good question, but to qualify, are the flags both the same size?

    - What do I do if I enter an American home that has the Confederacy flag and the American flag? What do I do if I am not white and enter that home?
    Another good question. In most cases after reciting the pledge of allegiance to the American flag, you will then turn and sing "Dixie" to the Confederate flag. This is another occasion where if you are not white, you are not expected to participate in the latter part of the ceremony. IN fact, you are encouraged to take a knee.

    - Do we have to say the words loudly? As a European, I prefer to not wake up the residents when breaking-and-entering, but I want to be respectful though.
    Europeans to tend to whisper things, which can make it hard for us to determine how much you want to tip, or how many more burger patties you want added to your order. A gauranteed way to make sure we understand you is to fire warning shots, often and loudly, to bring more attention to you.

    Could I order the manly burger but not eat it all? On a scale of 1 (very low) to 10 (very much), how shameful would I be if I don't manage to finish my manly burger and all my female friends eat a bigger, manlier one?
    As long as you order dessert, you will be fine. Many American men even fall into the trap of eating too many fries before they get to their burger, just loudly declare how you had one large pizza to yourself for lunch and all will be well.

    About politics, what if I am a know-it-all that obviously knows better than the locals about their politicians, their problems and the people to address those problems?
    Every town has a lynching tree...

  6. #6
    Akar's Avatar I am not a clever man
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    You ever heard the song "The Lynching Tree" by the "Plain White T's"?

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  7. #7
    Diamat's Avatar VELUTI SI DEUS DARETUR
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    You should also warn Europeans to not let their children run around naked, even in a swimming pool. Also, they should never hang their clothes on a clothes line in their yard, even in the deep heat of Texas. Always use a dryer. Oh yes, and get a dryer.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    Quote Originally Posted by Diamat View Post
    You should also warn Europeans to not let their children run around naked, even in a swimming pool. Also, they should never hang their clothes on a clothes line in their yard, even in the deep heat of Texas. Always use a dryer. Oh yes, and get a dryer.
    We will immediately take them into custody and charge them with half a dozen felonies, the perverts.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    I’d like to say that Brits don’t do that, only the continental weirdos let their kids walk around naked. Or the women sunbathe topless etc
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  10. #10
    Akar's Avatar I am not a clever man
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    The Brits have never been known for their sensibility.

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  11. #11
    Diamat's Avatar VELUTI SI DEUS DARETUR
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    I should let you know that I got my first kiss while naked in Kindergarten.

  12. #12
    Akar's Avatar I am not a clever man
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    Mums don't count everyone knows that.

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  13. #13
    Diamat's Avatar VELUTI SI DEUS DARETUR
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    No, I got the kiss from a naked girl next to me. Her name was Jane. She apparently liked me a lot.

  14. #14
    Akar's Avatar I am not a clever man
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    What the hell kind of sex carnival was this kindergarten?

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  15. #15
    Diamat's Avatar VELUTI SI DEUS DARETUR
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    It happened while we were changing into our pajamas for nap time. It's weird that I so distinctly remember this, also the time I almost choked to death on a bay leaf.

  16. #16
    Akar's Avatar I am not a clever man
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    I mean I don't think I'm going to be able to forget it either, to be honest.

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  17. #17
    Morticia Iunia Bruti's Avatar Primicerius
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    Europeans make no big thing about nudity in special areas, Free Body Culture Beach (^^), Sauna, Crime movies or TV series.
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  18. #18
    Akar's Avatar I am not a clever man
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    You guys have the right idea about things. Especially the nude beaches and saunas.

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  19. #19

    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    You'd all be a lot less comfortable with nudity if you had our obesity rates

  20. #20
    Diamat's Avatar VELUTI SI DEUS DARETUR
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    Default Re: Your Guide to Visiting America

    So you wouldn't mind if we posted "No Americans Allowed" signs in front of our saunas?

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