Peace (the first part of a horror-y short story - roughly 700 words here) Feedback would be nice :)

[Kyriakos]

Writing this in english - usually I translate stuff I wrote in greek, cause when I write in english from the start the result is crap Feedback is welcome. I may try to write more in english, for various reasons.

Peace

by Kyriakos Chalkopoulos

“[...]ubi solitudinem faciunt pacem appellant”

(where they make a desert, they call it peace)

Tacitus

To some there is only one valid term for the place we are in – they call it a prison. Their view, quite paradoxically, failed to stir much rebellious sentiment due to being almost unanimously accepted. So ubiquitous a conclusion loses virtually any potential to lead to action, much like no one would feel angered at gravity because it makes you fall. And while we aren’t being kept here due to something quite as neutral as a force of nature, one can’t help but feel that our captor or captors might as well be faceless or mechanical, with the most popular joke among us alluding to how good those hypothetical machines seem to be at preparing meals fit for humans.
Those meals, after all, appear at regular intervals at the very edge of an opening in one of the high walls – so that they are visible from the large hall, given someone is always starving and looking carefully for the emergence of those dishes filled with delight, ready to shout to others to get on the movable scaffolding. The anxious observer of the wall isn’t always the same person, though some common trait can doubtlessly be observed in all in that position; it’s not just hunger, for we all are, to degrees, hungry, so arguably the crucial ingredient there is a type of apathy towards all other activities to be had in the singular hall we pass our lives in.
As indeed with all other activities, this too has been focused upon by some of us, for a good portion of the entire population is into examining anything they feel able enough to grasp, and often their desire to speak of any theories they have on their subject of interest is all too difficult to quench, for seldom are they satiable while simply sharing their insights with fellow enthusiasts. Our overall population being very small – not even a hundred people – makes things worse, but time finds a way to enlist agents of determent for anything, so by now even a single voice raised in anger – as long as it originates from a person very capable of acting upon the uttered threat – suffices so as to make those clumsy zealots retreat back to the safety of their group.
Nominally there are five populous and distinct groups among us, though in reality it’s true that every person here is their own subgroup. The complete lack of females has created even more tension, yet either by luck or design we saw the last of that particularly dangerous for our small community sub-type of person who’d openly try to force himself on others. And in many ways his exit has been the most decisive event in our colony.


Confinement is always a harbinger of great change to people, yet there are those who seem entirely unable to accept it. And when there’s no obvious way out, they may export their inner-tention onto their fellow man, regardless of being aware that he is an inmate too and as much a victim of powers outside his control as themselves. Perhaps being more introverted helps soothe the sense of being held against your will, yet no one chose to be by disposition more suited to this place and therefore it’d make no sense for him to be punished for it. It was months ago when it happened that we witnessed the first act of brutality between the inmates, and it deserves at least as much as anything else to be in the history of the colony I keep on these paper towels, using the food’s sauces which quickly dry and keep the words readable for anyone interested. Perhaps this too is a lucky accident, for I have no reason to assume our captor or captors, whatever they might be, meant for the only imports to our colony to be used in such a manner.

(to be continued)

[C-Beams]

I really liked it. I think your grasp on the English language is excellent and this piece reads as if English is your first language. I also got some Lovecraftian vibes from your prose, I think this is because of your vocabulary use, sentence construction, and the intriguing and unsettling atmosphere you achieve. It's a short piece, so perhaps its too soon for me to take that view. I do like the intrigue and it feels effective. Who are the captors? What happened to that dangerous individual? What is the mystery behind the meals. All these questions hooked me into reading on.

Though I think the story was a little too ambiguous in places. Why is there movable scaffolding in the hall? How did the inmates get in there? This question particularly seems to be an important detail and one that can be addressed because the narrator can answer it; plus it will help set up reader expectations. Is it like the film Cube, where people just wake up in confinement? Perhaps they were forcefully snatched from there daily lives or sentenced by a higher authority for a past crime, etc. This detail would also allow me to build a mental image of the other imprisoned characters (are they big, tough prison inmate types or more feeble everyday people?) Also, some details on the meals I feel are necessary because they appear to be very important. Are they bland, tasty, recognisable or a strange dish? This sentence... 'how good those hypothetical machines seem to be at preparing meals fit for humans' makes it seem as though the meals are pleasant, despite the circumstances. As a reader, I'm looking for clues about the captor/s and their motivations from how these meals are described. Are they served on a hot plate with a napkin, or in vacuum-sealed containers with foreign lettering? I guess a few more concrete details are needed.

Another quick thought that comes to mind. I think the unsettling/stressful atmosphere of the characters' situation gets a little undermined by the line 'the most popular joke among us alluding to how good those hypothetical machines seem to be at preparing meals fit for humans.' The tone here is light-hearted which feels incongruous with the overall piece.

Overall, a very enjoyable read. Take my thoughts with a pinch of salt (delivered at regular intervals at the very edge of an opening in one of the high walls.) Thanks for the read!

Edit: This line just got me even more intrigued... 'And in many ways his exit has been the most decisive event in our colony.' At first I thought your use of the word 'exit' was a polite way of saying 'killed', but now I see this individual may have actually left the hall by physically exiting. To where, and with whom? Intriguing!

[Kyriakos]

Thank you!

Well, there is a reason for the movable scaffolding, though I am not sure it is the correct phrase to use. I mean a simple ladder, which can be moved - because some have tried to linger in the wall opening, and there is a second wall opening as well (this one not related to food, and tied to how the dangerous person "exited" the colony).
Is there a better term for such a ladder? Nothing elaborate, just a wooden or metallic ladder with nothing to support it (needs others at the bottom holding it in place), was what I had in mind.

Re how they got there... I couldn't think of a way to present it. Yes, it might be something like The Cube, in essence, yet the narrator is writing this "history" for the people of the colony, so they'd all be aware of at least that and it wouldn't need to be told to them - likely no hope to actually leave (which alludes to what the "Exit" was about ^_^ ). The next part of the story would be to present how that person at some point tried to examine a higher opening on the wall, getting a few of his followers to hold two ladders together so as to get tens of meters above the ground.

[C-Beams]

I see. What you say about how the characters got there makes sense, just remember your readers are trying to understand this too. I'm not sure what alternative word to use for the 'movable scaffolding', though your 'ladder' suggestion seems good. That said, I don't think there is anything wrong with 'movable scaffolding' (though the term doesn't give me the same concrete image as a ladder does). Rather, it just seemed to be a curious object left in the hall and I felt some answer or hint to its purpose being there would be beneficial. I'm intrigued by your story so I guess I'm scraping up any detail to try and unravel its mystery.

I would also recommend finishing the first draft before making any edits based on other peoples feedback just yet. Get your vision of your story cemented in at least one draft first.

[Alwyn]

You've included some interesting mysteries - people are captive but this seems to be almost universally accepted (I wonder why) and there's the question of who or what tthe captives are. There are also the questions of why this colony has such a small populatio and why they're all men (was this colony founded by a military unit which got stranded somehow?).

[Kyriakos]

Thanks!

I will try to finish it - despite having a specific idea as to what is going on, I am not sure this can be a very short story.

[Turkafinwë]

I agree with C-Beams, your English is very good, so I wouldn't worry about that. Indeed it's a great opening piece leaving us, the reader, with a lot of questions. The dark atmosphere was something that made me hook into it almost immediately. C-Beams really summarized it perfectly what I liked, so I will not repeat it.

Looking forward to more!

[Kyriakos]

Thanks. Well, since you are in Belgium maybe you can sympathize; unfortunately greek is spoken by something like 14 million people worldwide, so at least attempting to write in some language like english is worth the trouble for me. I do have a minor role in the local letters, as translator mostly (eg of Lovecraft), but also as author (published), yet in the end it is meaningless.
That said, obviously I am far worse in english than in greek. Furthermore, the dynamic is different - which is why I now try to write in english from the start, so as to hopefully become a little better.

[Turkafinwë]

I understand completely. Dutch (my first language) is spoken by like 24 million people worldwide, as a first language, (if Wikipedia is to be believed) so it's also a rather insignificant language on a world scale, at least if you, like you say, want to publish writing or something along those lines. I always start writing in English (if the end product is to be in English) because if I first write in Dutch and translate it afterwards I usually run into some trouble, usually concerning the structure of sentences (and Dutch and English are closely related languages so it must be worse for you with Greek). I write a lot in English as to improve my skill in it, though it is a long process with baby steps being taken every day. You know what they say, practice makes perfect.