The world is in disarray. Right wing governments and fascism are on the rise, as is the threat of lefty socialism, along with the devastating effects of climate change. We lack order and discipline, but we don't need an authoritarian generalissimo Mussolini type to lead us astray once again. We must return to an older model, tried and true. We need the firm hand of monarchy once again, rightly guided by the divine right of kings and queens, caliphs and sultans, Roman emperors and Persian shahanshahs, the Chinese huangdi and the Japanese tenno. It's time to invest Pope Francis in the Vatican with supreme authority over all the realms of Christendom and make him prince of Rome once more, so that he may revive the papal bull that divided the world between Spain and Portugal, as it rightfully should be!
Now, as to how this relates to your mom, she's so fat that she must be divided properly between these two great powers who must navigate around her. Indeed, your momma is so fat that she requires constant tracking with coordinates measured in longitude and latitude for sailors to avoid crashing and beaching against her at sea. Verily, your mom is so fat that she causes the Earth to tremble and tsunamis to rise, threatening the global trade of the Spanish and Portuguese crowns. Your mom is so fat that we must constantly monitor her movements measured on the Richter scale and encourage her to stay still or at the very least go on a diet and quit eating all the damn whales lest they go extinct. Climate change is bad enough, but your mom is making it worse, because she's so fat, so...incredibly fat.