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Thread: Of Wolves and Blobtits

  1. #1

    Default Of Wolves and Blobtits


    Oh Zerc what have you done.
    INDEX
    BOOK I
    Chapter I: Where the narrator and the old wolf are one
    [I.I.I.] A game of blobtits
    [I.I.II.] A dance with ghouls
    Last edited by Cookiegod; Today at 05:23 AM.

  2. #2

    Icon1 The rules of the game/AAR

    • No reload
    • Death is forever
    • Eat healthy
    • Readers get a vote in the most important/difficult decisions
      ...wait. Wouldn't that make it a "during action report"?
    • Get a better image to text ratio than Derc
    • Steal his format, pretending it's your own.
    • Defy the commandments of typography.
    • Do NOT subvert expectations
    • Make them hyped for tomorrow!

  3. #3

    Default I.I.I. A game of blobtits

    ~~ BOOK I ~~

    >> CHAPTER I <<

    -- PART I --


    A game of blobtits

    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
    Click the green plus symbol on the bottom left corner of this post to read
    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
    Hello there!
    On the off chance that you might not know me, let me present myself:


    And this is my story.

    I've been out on the roads for a long time now, searching for my (ex?)girlfriend Yennefer, whom I've cheated on many, many times with a great multitude of women, and my adopted daughter Ciri, both of whom I've completely forgotten about for years.

    Oh, btw... Spoileralert! Go buy & play the game if you haven't already!

    But now I remember, so with the help of my friend/father figure Vezemir I'm tracking my girlfriend down.



    It seems I'm on the right track.



    Yennefer was clearly fleeing scared in that direction.



    As the loving (ex?)boyfriend I am I follow her.

    And people say us witchers have no heart...



    ...that we're truly insane and loving it!

    But it's a lie!



    The only McD's to the north of the Yaruga are in Kovir. Everyone knows that!




    But enough of the chit chat. SKIP!!!



    Ok, I guess a little bit more chit chat.
    In the evening the two of us make camp and I quickly fall asleep.



    Excellent summary, dream-me!



    We decide to go outside and Vezemir wants to do some training. But even dream-me is a bit lazy, so I say no.
    No way is this ever going to come back and haunt me!



    Even dream-Ciri runs off. DAMMIT!
    I'm really good with the ladies.



    Something seems weird about the mannequin she was training on.











    This story really writes itself, including the dialogue, doesn't it?!











    I sense something is going on behind me and I turn around to check it out.



    OH NO!



    I'm horrified by what I see, if you can't tell from my horrified face.



    A big ship in the Skye, overwhelming our castle defenses!!!





    Luckily this was all just a dream. Except Ciri running off, the world being in peril and me not learning how to fight of course.



    Vezemir and I enjoy the view, wondering what the next adventure will be, when...





    GHOULS!



    Finally! A chance to fight, to show what I'm ma...



    Never mind.


    The end?

    Will I slowly bleed out and die? Or will I find some implausible excuse to keep the story going over 6 books 20 chapters and 173 parts?
    Will the ghouls devour my corpse, or keep fighting Vezemir in all eternity, both sides unable to deal any damage whatsoever to each other?
    Are bread and water really enough of a healthy diet when you're on the road, constantly exerting yourself, fighting for your survival, and in dire need of sustenance?
    And what about Gwent?!

    Ye shall find the answers to these questions and many others you never asked in Book 1, chapter 1, part 2 of this tale, be quick to post your guesses and impress me with your wit below, before Book 1, chapter 1, part 2 gets posted!

  4. #4
    Derc's Avatar Tiro
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    I feel very humiliated now. I tought I was more than a corpse hidden inside a doll. Gruesome scene, indeed. I have something planned that was supposed to be just as gruesome, but it can't match what you've shown. Not at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod
    Will I slowly bleed out and die? Or will I find some implausible excuse to keep the story going over 6 books 20 chapters and 173 parts?
    You know, I don't like happy ends.


    Really great screenshots, I'm serious. All destroyed by Comic Sans, unfortunately. This is unacceptable. Please do continue only without using that "font". Otherwise make this the canon ending.
    Last edited by Derc; May 18, 2019 at 06:24 PM. Reason: Comic Sans even managed to destroy my formatting

  5. #5
    Alwyn's Avatar Frothy Goodness
    Content Director Patrician Citizen

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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    This is a very unusual style for an AAR. It's entertaining and, as Derc said, the screenshots are really good!

  6. #6

    Default I.I.II. A dance with ghouls


    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

    RECAP

    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
    YAAAAA! It's rewind time!


    We dealt with some pretty deep issues last time. Unfortunately we don't have the time to talk about most of it, but if you haven't read it: Trust me. It was very intellectual.

    Bottom line is though that Geralt has to find his loved ones whom he'd completely forgotten about for a long time, that he has very disturbing nightmares, and that the entire world is in danger.

    Geralts endeavour to save the world hit a minor snag when he encountered some ghouls and was felled by some of them. Bleeding out and with the stench of ghouls filling his hypersensitive nostrils, he could but wait for his trusted friend Vezemir to kill of the ghouls and save his life.

    The question now is: Will Geralt survive?! And how?!
    Sure, the situation seems hopeless. But brace yourselves for a surprising twist!


    ~~ BOOK I ~~

    >> CHAPTER I <<

    -- PART 2 --


    A dance with ghouls

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    Click the green plus symbol on the bottom left corner of this post to read
    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~


    Whoops. Never mind. He ded.

    The End




    BONUSGWENT
    Like I said: He ded. No gwent. Tricked you there, didn't I?

    But before you go...

    So even though this AAR has fulfilled the minimum requirements for the MAARCLXXXIII (waaaay too many letters!), and is over because of the 0 death policy... Would you want to see more from the witcher?
    Would we save the world? Hardly. Because again: 0 death policy.
    But it might be interesting to see how far we'd get.

    Also: This is how I fulfill my rule that readers would get a vote in the most important decisions.

    @Derc & Alwyn: Thanks for your feedback. It's appreciated. Derc, you know you can't change your avatar ever now because then the joke stops making sense, right?
    Last edited by Cookiegod; Yesterday at 01:52 PM.

  7. #7
    Derc's Avatar Tiro
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    This is a next level of savage trolling you're doing there. How can you do that?

    Screw your 'death is forever' rule. Failure instantly became an essential part of this AAR.

    I have grown to like it pretty fast. Seriously.
    What's bad about it? Hm. Your permadeath nonsense (who would stay dead in a world of magic, seriously?!) and that it distracts the wolf from chasing his prey.

    I'd say go for it! But only if you have fun and the time for it.
    Last edited by Derc; Yesterday at 05:31 PM. Reason: *distracts. Stop distracting me.

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