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Thread: Of Wolves and Blobtits

  1. #1
    Cookiegod's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Of Wolves and Blobtits


    Oh Zerc what have you done.
    INDEX
    BOOK I
    Chapter I: Where the narrator and the old wolf are one
    [I.I.I.] A game of blobtits
    [I.I.II.] A dance with ghouls
    NON CANON
    Shortstories: Tales that make no sense and have nothing to do with anything at all
    [S.I.] Temerian debate club
    Last edited by Cookiegod; May 26, 2019 at 02:37 PM.

  2. #2
    Cookiegod's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Icon1 The rules of the game/AAR

    • No reload
    • Death is forever
    • Eat healthy
    • Readers get a vote in the most important/difficult decisions
      ...wait. Wouldn't that make it a "during action report"?
    • Get a better image to text ratio than Derc
    • Steal his format, pretending it's your own.
    • Defy the commandments of typography.
    • Do NOT subvert expectations
    • Make them hyped for tomorrow!

  3. #3
    Cookiegod's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default I.I.I. A game of blobtits

    ~~ BOOK I ~~

    >> CHAPTER I <<

    -- PART I --


    A game of blobtits

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    Click the green plus symbol on the bottom left corner of this post to read
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    Hello there!
    On the off chance that you might not know me, let me present myself:


    And this is my story.

    I've been out on the roads for a long time now, searching for my (ex?)girlfriend Yennefer, whom I've cheated on many, many times with a great multitude of women, and my adopted daughter Ciri, both of whom I've completely forgotten about for years.

    Oh, btw... Spoileralert! Go buy & play the game if you haven't already!

    But now I remember, so with the help of my friend/father figure Vezemir I'm tracking my girlfriend down.



    It seems I'm on the right track.



    Yennefer was clearly fleeing scared in that direction.



    As the loving (ex?)boyfriend I am I follow her.

    And people say us witchers have no heart...



    ...that we're truly insane and loving it!

    But it's a lie!



    The only McD's to the north of the Yaruga are in Kovir. Everyone knows that!




    But enough of the chit chat. SKIP!!!



    Ok, I guess a little bit more chit chat.
    In the evening the two of us make camp and I quickly fall asleep.



    Excellent summary, dream-me!



    We decide to go outside and Vezemir wants to do some training. But even dream-me is a bit lazy, so I say no.
    No way is this ever going to come back and haunt me!



    Even dream-Ciri runs off. DAMMIT!
    I'm really good with the ladies.



    Something seems weird about the mannequin she was training on.











    This story really writes itself, including the dialogue, doesn't it?!











    I sense something is going on behind me and I turn around to check it out.



    OH NO!



    I'm horrified by what I see, if you can't tell from my horrified face.



    A big ship in the Skye, overwhelming our castle defenses!!!





    Luckily this was all just a dream. Except Ciri running off, the world being in peril and me not learning how to fight of course.



    Vezemir and I enjoy the view, wondering what the next adventure will be, when...





    GHOULS!



    Finally! A chance to fight, to show what I'm ma...



    Never mind.


    The end?

    Will I slowly bleed out and die? Or will I find some implausible excuse to keep the story going over 6 books 20 chapters and 173 parts?
    Will the ghouls devour my corpse, or keep fighting Vezemir in all eternity, both sides unable to deal any damage whatsoever to each other?
    Are bread and water really enough of a healthy diet when you're on the road, constantly exerting yourself, fighting for your survival, and in dire need of sustenance?
    And what about Gwent?!

    Ye shall find the answers to these questions and many others you never asked in Book 1, chapter 1, part 2 of this tale, be quick to post your guesses and impress me with your wit below, before Book 1, chapter 1, part 2 gets posted!

  4. #4
    Derc's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    I feel very humiliated now. I tought I was more than a corpse hidden inside a doll. Gruesome scene, indeed. I have something planned that was supposed to be just as gruesome, but it can't match what you've shown. Not at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod
    Will I slowly bleed out and die? Or will I find some implausible excuse to keep the story going over 6 books 20 chapters and 173 parts?
    You know, I don't like happy ends.


    Really great screenshots, I'm serious. All destroyed by Comic Sans, unfortunately. This is unacceptable. Please do continue only without using that "font". Otherwise make this the canon ending.
    Last edited by Derc; May 18, 2019 at 06:24 PM. Reason: Comic Sans even managed to destroy my formatting


    "... Thus our judgements, if they do not borrow from reason and philosophy a fixity and steadiness of purpose in their acts, are easily swayed and influenced by the praise or blame of others, which makes us distrust our own opinions."
    - Plutarch

  5. #5
    Alwyn's Avatar Frothy Goodness
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    This is a very unusual style for an AAR. It's entertaining and, as Derc said, the screenshots are really good!
    Vote here for the next Rome II Culture the Wiki Team will work on
    New Town (Carthage AAR)






  6. #6
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    Default I.I.II. A dance with ghouls


    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

    RECAP

    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
    YAAAAA! It's rewind time!


    We dealt with some pretty deep issues last time. Unfortunately we don't have the time to talk about most of it, but if you haven't read it: Trust me. It was very intellectual.

    Bottom line is though that Geralt has to find his loved ones whom he'd completely forgotten about for a long time, that he has very disturbing nightmares, and that the entire world is in danger.

    Geralts endeavour to save the world hit a minor snag when he encountered some ghouls and was felled by some of them. Bleeding out and with the stench of ghouls filling his hypersensitive nostrils, he could but wait for his trusted friend Vezemir to kill of the ghouls and save his life.

    The question now is: Will Geralt survive?! And how?!
    Sure, the situation seems hopeless. But brace yourselves for a surprising twist!


    ~~ BOOK I ~~

    >> CHAPTER I <<

    -- PART 2 --


    A dance with ghouls

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    Click the green plus symbol on the bottom left corner of this post to read
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    Whoops. Never mind. He ded.

    The End




    BONUSGWENT
    Like I said: He ded. No gwent. Tricked you there, didn't I?

    But before you go...

    So even though this AAR has fulfilled the minimum requirements for the MAARCLXXXIII (waaaay too many letters!), and is over because of the 0 death policy... Would you want to see more from the witcher?
    Would we save the world? Hardly. Because again: 0 death policy.
    But it might be interesting to see how far we'd get.

    Also: This is how I fulfill my rule that readers would get a vote in the most important decisions.

    @Derc & Alwyn: Thanks for your feedback. It's appreciated. Derc, you know you can't change your avatar ever now because then the joke stops making sense, right?
    Last edited by Cookiegod; May 20, 2019 at 01:52 PM.

  7. #7
    Derc's Avatar Semisalis
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    This is a next level of savage trolling you're doing there. How can you do that?

    Screw your 'death is forever' rule. Failure instantly became an essential part of this AAR.

    I have grown to like it pretty fast. Seriously.
    What's bad about it? Hm. Your permadeath nonsense (who would stay dead in a world of magic, seriously?!) and that it distracts the wolf from chasing his prey.

    I'd say go for it! But only if you have fun and the time for it.
    Last edited by Derc; May 20, 2019 at 05:31 PM. Reason: *distracts. Stop distracting me.


    "... Thus our judgements, if they do not borrow from reason and philosophy a fixity and steadiness of purpose in their acts, are easily swayed and influenced by the praise or blame of others, which makes us distrust our own opinions."
    - Plutarch

  8. #8

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    This is a next level of savage trolling you're doing there. How can you do that?
    Seriously, the mad Dane outdid himself here . But Derc, you gotta give him credits for his persistence and tenacity here

    Quote Originally Posted by Derc
    Screw your 'death is forever' rule. Failure instantly became an essential part of this AAR.
    I am also in agreement. As a reader with a vote I say you keep this AAR going, with each post starting at the beginning of the campaign and you seeing how far you can get, with a bit of tongue-in-cheek jack-ery along the way. Honestly, I would find it hilarious to read/watch ten runs of you making a fool of yourself and getting yourself 'et by ghouls!


    On a more serious note, I found one thing that while technically correct, distressed me with its indeterminateness. I will put it in a spoiler so that more delicate readers don't have to see it
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookieman (you've lost divine status for your crimes against fonts!)
    I've been out on the roads for a long time now, searching for my (ex?)girlfriend Yennefer, whom I've cheated on many, many times with a great multitude of women, and my adopted daughter Ciri, both of whom I've completely forgotten about for years.
    So, you have all of the commas that are needed here, which makes this all fine, but without them your sentence becomes... shall we say "overly Appalachian" in its content. I'll let you read it real quick without breaks and see if you can find the point where the (anti-)hero admits to some super dodgy familial relations :

    Maybe consider moving the clause about Ciri to right before Yennefer (e.g. "...been searching for my adopted daughter Ciri and my (ex?)girlfriend Yennefer..."). Just a thought though.

    Other than that, great stuff!
    Last edited by Kilo11; May 22, 2019 at 01:00 PM. Reason: Incorrect use of negation... come on me! I can do better!
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  9. #9
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    This is a next level of savage trolling you're doing there. How can you do that?
    Can't stress enough how happy this line made me. This is the cherry on top of the AAR.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    super-dodgy stuff
    Oh no no nooo kilo. Super dodgy family relations are my thing! Fixing that would make it worse!
    Request negated!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    As a reader with a vote I say you keep this AAR going, with each post starting at the beginning of the campaign and you seeing how far you can get, with a bit of tongue-in-cheek jack-ery along the way. Honestly, I would find it hilarious to read/watch ten runs of you making a fool of yourself and getting yourself 'et by ghouls!
    I consider doing exactly what you're saying Kilo. Failure would have to be an option. Death has to be a penalty. We can't all play it safe like Derc (insert super-dodgy family joke here)! Otherwise there's no sense of danger and it'd just be a retelling of what much better writers have already written!

    Thing is though that people don't seem interested, so I don't know if continuing makes sense.
    "Something funny."
    - not me.







    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    No one cares what Derc has to say.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Oh no no nooo kilo. Super dodgy family relations are my thing! Fixing that would make it worse!
    Request negated!!!
    Hahah...

    Creepy.

    Did you intend to have the phrasing as you did though, or was just a (happy?) accident?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod
    I consider doing exactly what you're saying Kilo. Failure would have to be an option. Death has to be a penalty. We can't all play it safe like Derc (insert super-dodgy family joke here)! Otherwise there's no sense of danger and it'd just be a retelling of what much better writers have already written!

    Thing is though that people don't seem interested, so I don't know if continuing makes sense.
    I think you'd need to give it a bit before making any judgment about general interest, as I think that a lot of people don't check over on the non-TW AARS section very often. Sadly, it's the same with the CW forum, but that's just the way it is. I actually have a pretty fun thread going on over there (The Fool and His Keeper, linked in sig)that I haven't added to in months because suddenly everyone stopped posting replies and I thought maybe no-one was reading anymore. But I'm reading here, and so is Derc, so that's two folks. Whether that's enough is up to you.
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  11. #11

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Trouble is, I rarely have anything to say when I read unless prompted to proofread or critique, which is another level entirely.

  12. #12
    Cookiegod's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default A Witcher shortstory

    Cookie posts random stuff on a sunday for no reason whatsoever.
    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

    Temerian debate club

    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
    Temerian debate club. Today's topic: Religion and morality.
    The contestants: Nietzsche and Marx, represented by the finest scholars from Redania, vs God, represented by Geralt, the orator of Blaviken.



    God won.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Holy , this really made me laugh. Cookie, you're a gold pastry.


    "... Thus our judgements, if they do not borrow from reason and philosophy a fixity and steadiness of purpose in their acts, are easily swayed and influenced by the praise or blame of others, which makes us distrust our own opinions."
    - Plutarch

  14. #14
    Cookiegod's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Icon1 A love shortstory

    Wait Cookie... 2 AAR updates in one week?! I know, I know. I'm spoiling you. Gotta manipulate the vote somehow...


    ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

    When ya galpal get's kicked out of her house and into the gutter because of you

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    You sure you're not angry at me, Triss?

  15. #15

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    So I guess in this playthrough you got past the ghouls. Probably because they thought it would be more punishment to let you walk through the world in that ridiculous wolf-mask!

    I like the short for this week though. And I still do like you giving us these semi-silly one-offs.

    Oh, and I ended up getting Witcher, so now I can relate to some of these tales! Also, that game is the bomb!
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  16. #16
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    So I guess in this playthrough you got past the ghouls. Probably because they thought it would be more punishment to let you walk through the world in that ridiculous wolf-mask!

    I like the short for this week though. And I still do like you giving us these semi-silly one-offs.

    Oh, and I ended up getting Witcher, so now I can relate to some of these tales! Also, that game is the bomb!
    Yeah, I have 2 unofficial playthroughs that aren't part of the lore.

    Word of advice that I wish I'd had during my first playthrough: Put your difficulty on max now!!! You think it's hard, but it's really not. Feeling challenged does however increase your ambience.
    If you don't want to play on the highest difficulty, that's fine, but switch off the minimaps and most of the UI, or else you'll become a slave to the "GPS system" navigator instead of really experiencing the world.
    You can still open the map then whenever you like, but you'll rarely need to.

    How far have you gotten in your game? Have you bought the first two as well (which have amazing storytelling as well) or did you go directly for the third?
    "Something funny."
    - not me.







    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    No one cares what Derc has to say.

  17. #17

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    Word of advice that I wish I'd had during my first playthrough: Put your difficulty on max now!!! You think it's hard, but it's really not. Feeling challenged does however increase your ambience.
    If you don't want to play on the highest difficulty, that's fine, but switch off the minimaps and most of the UI, or else you'll become a slave to the "GPS system" navigator instead of really experiencing the world.
    You can still open the map then whenever you like, but you'll rarely need to.
    Well, if difficulty can be changed mid-campaign, then I will definitely at least try for a bit on the hardest level then. Worst-case-scenario, I drop it back down. And the suggestion about flicking off the mini-map is nice too, especially because I rarely use it anyway, so having it out of the way would be good. I just wander and check my map from time to time, but I don't let objectives keep me focused or anything. The world is to be explored!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cookiegod View Post
    How far have you gotten in your game? Have you bought the first two as well (which have amazing storytelling as well) or did you go directly for the third?
    Last question first: I do not have the first two, nor have I ever even seen them. I take my time as it is with games, and given that the third one is the one everyone raves about, I thought I'd jump right to it.

    To the former question: I have gotten almost nowhere. I am a completionist and thorough explorer at heart, and I wander every nook and cranny before moving on. So after a few days of playing (no idea exactly how many hours, but I'd guess around 10+) I am still in White Orchard. I'll move on once all the monsters there are dealt with
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  18. #18
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    Yeah, get all that UI thrown away. On highest difficulty that's done automatically. The only two other things that change are that you can take fewer hits and that your health doesn't regenerate. Doesn't make it that much harder, but much more enjoyable. You might think you're not using the minimap, but the fact that it's there is already doing damage. Trust me.

    You're doing good by being thorough. The game rewards that with details that you wouldn't notice otherwise.

    White Orchard was great already, but you have a lot to look forward to. Don't rush it, dedicate the next few months to it. Divorce your wife if you have to.
    No please don't do that. Make her play that game too.
    "Something funny."
    - not me.







    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    No one cares what Derc has to say.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits

    I enjoyed this! I especially liked the part where she burned. Radovid approves.

    I always had the feeling Triss makes the same face as Jaden Smith. Please compare.
    Spoiler for Comparison

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    Last question first: I do not have the first two, nor have I ever even seen them. I take my time as it is with games, and given that the third one is the one everyone raves about, I thought I'd jump right to it.
    Playing Witcher 3 before the other two parts? That's like putting shampoo on your hair before even going in the shower. And then deciding not to go at all. Or figuring out you have no hair in the first place.
    Would fit Cookie and his poor Geralt pretty well. Look what atrocious haircuts this poor guy got enforced on himself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kilo11 View Post
    Well, if difficulty can be changed mid-campaign, then I will definitely at least try for a bit on the hardest level then.
    So you're playing it on easy right now? Boo!


    "... Thus our judgements, if they do not borrow from reason and philosophy a fixity and steadiness of purpose in their acts, are easily swayed and influenced by the praise or blame of others, which makes us distrust our own opinions."
    - Plutarch

  20. #20
    Cookiegod's Avatar Campidoctor
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    Default Re: Of Wolves and Blobtits



    Inflammatory remarks
    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    I enjoyed this! I especially liked the part where she burned. Radovid approves.

    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    I always had the feeling Triss makes the same face as Jaden Smith. Please compare.
    Spoiler for Comparison


    But I'm more reminded of someone else:
    Spoiler for Comparison


    That's her still thinking of a witty comeback btw...

    I think I have to marry-gold her. Just to spite you.

    Gettit? Gettit? ...



    I'm so not sorry. This pun was horrible, but you deserved it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    Playing Witcher 3 before the other two parts? That's like putting shampoo on your hair before even going in the shower. And then deciding not to go at all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    So you're playing it on easy right now? Boo!


    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    Look what atrocious haircuts this poor guy got enforced on himself.
    I have to admit, that barber right next to where you get that cut scene was very convenient.

    Geralt regrets nothing! HUZZAH!

    Quote Originally Posted by Derc View Post
    Or figuring out you have no hair in the first place.
    Would fit Cookie and his poor Geralt pretty well.
    Damn C, r u on fire?! No wait, that's me.

    SHANIIIII!!!! HELP!!!



    The Glitcher tales, part 2
    Badly hurt by a certain monster, Geralt knew he was in a lot of trouble. He had to find help quickly if he wanted to survive.




    "Wow! That's convenient! Shani's in town?!" Geralt exclaimed, not believing his luck.
    Geralt hadn't started the Hearts of Stone DLC at that time.


    He soon found his scepticism to be warranted.

    LOCKED!

    Despair gripped his very soul.
    "Is this how I'm to die?" He thought, flames still engulfing his very vulnerable ego.

    He felt his life force leave from him, resolved in his desperation to break this door in if he had to, when...



    "Hmm... That's strange." Geralt thought: "Am I a ghost now?"



    But no. Once he was through the door and saw the other patients, he realised he was still alive. Gl..uck was once again on his side.

    Maybe he'd survive after all!


    Shani wasn't home.

    Fate, thou art a lousy

    [I]THE END/I]

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