Derc Plays Through World History

[NorseThing]

I have much more to read, but what I have read means more must be read. And merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

[Kilo11]

The Persians are in such a bad shape that they don't even have proper names anymore. What kind of name is 'Bagabuxsha'?

Seriously, their names are getting out of control. Good thing you took care of them so things can calm down and you can start getting in more "normal" names Clisthenes, Anaxagoras, and Neikophanes.

[Turkafinwë]

I wonder what makes this text pop up. I could rush as hard as I could, I never managed a Alexander Campaign without it appearing.

There is even an error in the text. The second exclamation mark should be a question mark, right?
.

I think it is more of an insult rather than a question. Gods do not ask questions, they make statements.

All exander's gains were the fruit of constant nagging.
- Athena

Hahaha nice one! I'm imagining a miniature Athena accompanying Alexander on his shoulder constantly nagging at his head that he needs to hurry up. Perhaps this is the reason he was so driven to conquer the known world so fast, to stop the nagging.

[Derc]

Rome - Alexander
Alexander's Campaign
#7

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The Scythians are pushed back. This time we fellow them to their home and conquer it. The locals are enslaved. They will help to build up Alexander's new Empire. The Dahae are pretty strong. Endgame challenge? We're closing in on the remaining Scythians north of the Pontus Euxinus. Alexander and I want to see them subdued completely. A General and 24 of his bodyguards vs 241 Rebel-Peasants, who would win? Result: Fitting name of their Leader. That was my revenge for all their harassment. Illyria destroyed! Pella, at long last, can have some peace. „Ready to sail! READY TO SAIL!! SET SAIL!! Out of move - SIR!!!“ Damn, those ships sound angry. Never has a Greek been in such an exotic place. But India can not be conquered. It is unreachable by either land or water. Bummer. A bridge battle against the Scythians is approaching. We've done such a thing before, right? We try the same tactic that worked so well against Memnon of Rhodes in Egypt. But it doesn't work out here. They manage to breach through. They almost had won if I wouldn't had managed to redeploy quickly. Mighty charges with the cavalry saved me. What a mess. I do not think I will conquer Nisa straight away. I want to hold the northeastern province for more than a turn first - place some watchtowers along the border to China. It's really hard to uphold public order in this place of the map when your capital is still in Pella. Oh crap, I forgot to build rams. Didn't help them. Tanais falls. The conquest of the western half is completed. A very satisfying feeling.

...And certainly a very satisfying end for this year. Good start into 2019, y'all.

[Cookiegod]

This part didn't leave much to be desired.

[Aexodus]

Great reading! +rep

[Alwyn]

A satisfying end to 2018, indeed!

[Derc]

Rome - Alexander
Alexander's Campaign
#8

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The spoils of war. These are boats. Just boats. They have no specific name beside "Boat". The explanation in the descriptions saves it somewhat but it doesn't save the boats from being sunk. The Hyrcanian Ocean is mine. We are about to conquer the last rebel settlement (besides India, grrr). There is the head of the snake. And it has just been severed. Alexander stands in Bactria. Only now we become strongest faction. This should show just how mighty these Dahaeans are. A real surprise. I thought the game would become boring when the Persians are gone. But no. I unfortunately took almost no screenshots of these battles, so this little one about some random guys who get overrun by the Macedons in a desert at the edge of the world will have to do. But the Barbarians keep pushing. Alexander kills so many more of them that he is now known as Alexander the Butcher. Unfortunately one of my young Generals goes to Hades. Have you ever seen such a thing? Now being married with 13 is a feat on it's own but being a 13 year old widow ... Our forces in the North are worn out. Reinforcements are underway. The troops are weary, the population in turmoil and there is a bit too much water in the desert. All no good signs. Perhaps it is time for Alexander to bring his conquest to an end?

This part didn't leave much to be desired.

You and your puns.

Great reading! +rep

A satisfying end to 2018, indeed!

kthx.

[Cookiegod]

The tale of Alexander the Great might be over, but now it's time to see the tale of Alexander the cunning butcher of the rest of the map.

That satisfied smile Athena has after you conquered Baktria has me convinced the gods had you march all across the world only to kill that one Atheast there.

You and your puns.

I had another very bad one about Alexander, Babylon, Napoleon and having to avoid places that are too waterly.
But no. You don't deserve that one.
Instead I'll tell you an even worse one about you raping and pillaging the map so hard the water broke.

[Turkafinwë]

I agree Cookiegod, the Gods really are something else entirely eh. Just received the news that you are the strongest faction in the world and then there's Athena ready to spoil everything again with her smug smile. She doens't have to say anything because you just know what she's going to say. She's like that bully that keeps pestering you with one thing, not very intelligent but infuriating nonetheless. They say she is as clean as the clear blue sky but I think she's just full of envy.

[Kilo11]

Oh, those horsepeople are not to be tested... or is it trusted? Anyway, I assume your late game will be quite exciting, and at some point Alexander will be known as "Alexander the tired and too old for this ". Out of curiosity, are the Dahae infantry heavy, or are they loaded with horse archers? They should be the latter (if the vanilla game lives up to history, which may be a foolish request) but it looks like the army you showed is almost all barbarian infantry. Hmm...


Also, I desperately want to rep you for the last two updates, but I still seem to have not spread enough around. I have like 5 AARs I follow regularly, and one *clears throat, nods to the dastardly fellow above* has not been producing lately so my little circle of reptitude is all gummed up. I'll get you as soon as I can though (and as soon as that fifth AAR writer gets his act together ).

[Derc]

Rome - Alexander
Alexander's Campaign
#9

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Alexander conquers Bannu. What was supposed to be a quick snatch without any difficulties turned out to be a fight that reminded me of the battles in Egypt. It was three battles in total. Alexander "Scarface"? That's what immediately came to my mind: Can't have a game without assassinations. Better late than never. We lost an entire Fullstack in Bannu but that doesn't stop us. Alexander regroups and is closing in. The Barbarians make their last significant stand. Alexander wins, but not without casualties. The Dahaeans need to be chased down and taken care of, otherwise they could regroup and fall Alexander in the back while he is besieging Chach. Our forces get them at the Caucasus Indicus. Now Alexander can take Chach and eleminate the rest of the Dahaeans. Some were spared and put in here. The might of the Dahaens is broken. Alexander has more than proven his point. Still he doesn't stop. He travels further north, burns Kucha and gives order to kill or enslave any hostile forces they might still find. The noble Liberator has become a Madman.

The campaign is basically over. A little cleanup and that's it. However, there's still too much to tell, so there will be another update tomorrow, bringing it all to an end. So this here is kind of a double update.

I had another very bad one about Alexander, Babylon, Napoleon and having to avoid places that are too waterly.

If I had known you guys would joke all campaign long about Alexander's early demise, I would have thought twice about putting that image up.

I agree Cookiegod, the Gods really are something else entirely eh. Just received the news that you are the strongest faction in the world and then there's Athena ready to spoil everything again with her smug smile. She doens't have to say anything because you just know what she's going to say. She's like that bully that keeps pestering you with one thing, not very intelligent but infuriating nonetheless. They say she is as clean as the clear blue sky but I think she's just full of envy.

Damnit. I thought you wouldn't notice but now that you have I can see it clearly before me.

Spoiler for Hey!: 

It was the third time she buggered me.

Oh, those horsepeople are not to be tested... or is it trusted? Anyway, I assume your late game will be quite exciting, and at some point Alexander will be known as "Alexander the tired and too old for this ". Out of curiosity, are the Dahae infantry heavy, or are they loaded with horse archers? They should be the latter (if the vanilla game lives up to history, which may be a foolish request) but it looks like the army you showed is almost all barbarian infantry. Hmm...

The rest of their armies had the same composition as that one shown in #8. Their units are named "Barbarian Spearmen", "Barbarian Horsemen" ... you get the idea. So that's a thing I tried to ignore as best as possible.

Also, I desperately want to rep you for the last two updates, but I still seem to have not spread enough around. I have like 5 AARs I follow regularly, and one *clears throat, nods to the dastardly fellow above* has not been producing lately so my little circle of reptitude is all gummed up. I'll get you as soon as I can though (and as soon as that fifth AAR writer gets his act together ).

Everything's cool. How about I rep you instead? | Edit: I can't either :/
Hurry it up, AAR #5!

[Cookiegod]

You know what's coming.

Should I still do it? I mean, it's too obvious. I have done this too many times already! Still?! All right. *sigh* For old times sake: The world belongs to Alexander the brave. - Derc

In Macedon Afghanistan, fight remembers YOU!

Speaking of Afghanistan, considering the poppy production there I'm not surprised by Alexanders newest nickname.

one *clears throat, nods to the dastardly fellow above* has not been producing lately

What are you talking about? Turkanfinwe posted an update very recently!

[Kilo11]

Derc, I'm loving the end game, and how nasty it seems to have gotten there at the final rounds. One small thing I noticed - right after the first proper picture there is a typo:

"What was supposed to be a quick snatch without any difficulties turned out to be a fight that rememberedreminded me of the battles in Egypt."

What are you talking about? Turkanfinwe posted an update very recently!

Cookiegod, you dastardly Dane, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

................

[Skotos of Sinope]

[CENTER]
The campaign is basically over. A little cleanup and that's it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

There's no way the next campaign will be this fun.

[Cookiegod]

Wild guess: Next one's going to be Marathas/Mughals in Empire TW?

[Alwyn]

The world belongs to the brave, indeed! Like Cookiegod, I'm wondering what the next campaign will be.

[Derc]

Rome - Alexander
Alexander's Campaign
#10

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We chase down another Dahaean halfstack, besiege Nisa ... ... and that's it! Yes, he earned it. His title: Μέγας

📘 Alternate History

Alexander was 32 when he died. Here, at that time, he was just besieging Persepolis. This should show just how quick this guy was in RL (or how small the movement ranges in Total War are, it depends).
I think he died because of the circumstances. But if a 32 year old Alexander died during the siege of Persepolis, what would have happened? The Middle East was torn to pieces by the war. The Persian Empire was on the edge of collapse. Would someone else have picked up Alexander's position to finish the job or would there have been peace between Macedonia and Persia, splitting that region in east and west, as proposed by Darius at the very end? I think the second options sounds the most likely.
Why? Because Alexander's Empire was held together by one man. And that man had just passed. It's almost certain Makedonia would have been split between the Diadochi as it was in reality. As for Persia, it would have collapsed too or picked up the role of Parthia, just as Parthia picked up the role of Persia in reality. Maybe.
...

📕 History & Culture

...
But in the end who the hell cares? The total victory of Macedonia is what happened here and it is also the scenario that happened in reality. The details differ of course and every so little difference could have led to a completely different outcome. Let's not think about that. What counts is that Alexander stands victorious. Undisputed.

I (or rather biggles9087) found a nice video that shows Alexander's Campaign from the very beginning to the end. There are assets of Rome II in it, surprisingly well implemented. So if you want a nice summarization, then I can only recommend it.

⚙️ Authors Note - Technical

Have you seen that they forgot to render out the blue movement bar during the Outro? Lulz.

🏠 House Rules & Special Goals

Unwritten Rules:

• Conquer the whole map - Check (as much as it was possible)
• No exploits, hacks, etc. blah bla blubb - Check

Written ones:

• Another Road: Do NOT take the usual path (which would be Asia Minor > Levant > Egypt > Mesopotamia > Persia > Bactria) - Check
• No One Would Have Expected This: Persia has to be the first faction to be destroyed - Check
• Homeboy: Pella has to remain the Capital - Check

⭐ Conclusion: Rome - Alexander

• Feels completely different from the other TWs. In a good way.
• Heaven for guys who like to conquer like crazy, Hell for the ones who like to idle around
• Nice challenge at the beginning
• Best historical battles with some nice videos
  

  ---

• Oh god, that dirty map!
• Unbalanced. And they sell it as some kind of feature here.
• Historically inaccurate

I like it. It's a good alternative to the usual TWs and certainly very fun.

Derc, I'm loving the end game, and how nasty it seems to have gotten there at the final rounds. One small thing I noticed - right after the first proper picture there is a typo:

"What was supposed to be a quick snatch without any difficulties turned out to be a fight that rememberedreminded me of the battles in Egypt."

Fixed. Thank you.

You know what's coming.

Should I still do it? I mean, it's too obvious. I have done this too many times already! Still?! All right. *sigh* For old times sake: The world belongs to Alexander the brave. - Derc

In Macedon Afghanistan, fight remembers YOU!

Speaking of Afghanistan, considering the poppy production there I'm not surprised by Alexanders newest nickname.

You dastardly Dane!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

There's no way the next campaign will be this fun.

We shall see. The next campaign has an interesting scenario but was also a pita. A good thing for you sadistic guys.

Wild guess: Next one's going to be Marathas/Mughals in Empire TW?

Mmmmmmm...
In Empire I will play the grandest of all nations.

The world belongs to the brave, indeed! Like Cookiegod, I'm wondering what the next campaign will be.

It'll at least be yet another campaign that is played with a faction starting with 'M'.

---

This AAR ended the right time. I need a break from it. I underestimated it a little bit. Work starts again. You know, that sort of thing.
I think it was better than the Medieval one but I will try yet another approach with the next campaign. Speaking of it, I don't know when this one will start. I don't think it will be in the far future but I certainly need to focus on other things now.
That being said, I still have to read your guys AARs too. I've come to nothing in the last few weeks.

On a sidenote: I hope it's ok if I quote some things from you guys up in the opening post. You know, as some kind of PR like you see them on some Movie posters.
If not, please tell me.

[Kilo11]

[My next campaign] It'll at least be yet another campaign that is played with a faction starting with 'M'.

Ah, so you must be playing Empire then, and you'll be playing as 'Murica Just kidding. I bet you'll play MedII and play Mongolia again, cause, you know, you're a barbarian warlord at heart

On a sidenote: I hope it's ok if I quote some things from you guys up in the opening post. You know, as some kind of PR like you see them on some Movie posters.
If not, please tell me.

Can't speak for the others, but I am totally fine with that. If you want a fresh quote that looks good in an OP, I would with pure sincerity say "This AAR is the only one I've read that makes me literally laugh out loud, and it is just riddled with dry (and often dark) humor that is oddly refreshing. Definitely worth a read!"

[Cookiegod]

It's sad that I have to say this but this part is filled with errors.
3rd screen: AS their ruler.
4th screen: It should be whose, not who's. Who is name?! B please!
5th & 6th screen: Haven't really matched all of his achievements if you haven't smashed India, have you now? Great men create results, not excuses!
7th screen: Babylon, where
8th screen: Macedon rule; further steps [...]
10th screen: an opponent, [...] were useless.
11th screen: who had ridden ...and his bed was sick too? Man that's rough.
12th screen: Truly, Alexander had earned his epithet 'Scarface' in the process of immorality.

What are you? A programmer who wrote that 5 mins before deadline for a publisher who didn't care enough to check? Smh.
I'm saddened that I have to say this but you disappointed me. I expected better of you. Still better than any of my comments though.

Have you seen that they forgot to render out the blue movement bar during the Outro? Lulz.

I think this was intentional to show us he still had so far to go when he was prematurely killed - most likely by polluted water btw!!!!