Originally Posted by Cookiegod
A strong character needs strong opposition. Thing is, I don't feel quite worried about her. Everything about those men, especially the most evil one, who threatens and almost hits her, screams irrelevancy. We know less about him than we do about the guards. With the guards I wonder what their relevancy is. But that one might be revealed later, so I don't object to that. With this one I know I need not fear him. The only information about him is his rank as the Qayl of the North pass. We don't know anything else about him. Nor that much about the others. Which is a shame since even if they were all killed off in the very next part, it'd be nice to have some familiarity with those guys she takes her revenge out on.
As I said in the bit about the opening, withholding information can be a powerful thing. So I might be completely wrong since I don't know what's going to happen later. But the characters should be distinguishable in one way or another. It can also be a good thing if the antagonists are relatable as well. The only thing about the lord of the North pass I know other than his title, is that he's evil, and not particularly subtle or smart.
Ah, well this critique can be ignored then, as I have some plans here. Like when I introduced Mubsamat that first time, I like to leave off distinguishing marks for a beat. This dude will come in again, and will butt heads a bit with some characters up through at least chapter 6 (but more likely well though 7), and more information on him will come in due time.
And I must say, I find it interesting that you thought of him as "evil, and not particularly subtle or smart". I do not imagine him as any of those things, and I did not wish to portray him as such. He is attempting to intimidate her because he has ambitions similar to hers (an "if he's evil, then so is she", sort of thing) and because he thinks she may be up to something underhanded and possibly borderline traitorous. Some might even call him a patriot (after all, one man's freedom fighter is another's terrorist). As things develop, do let me know if you feel like later events do not fit well with this scene, but for now, I think I like that your initial assessment is somewhat off from what I intended. That kind of uncertainty can be useful later on for throwing in surprises and whatnot. I mean, all you really know here is that he's threatening her with some terrible things, but he doesn't actually do anything, and you don't know what his intentions are.
On a more general point, I try my best to not have "good guys" and "bad guys". All characters are people, which means they will be bastards, thieves, cutthroats, lovers, fathers, mothers, traitors, liars, and honest men, as events unfold. My motto for many things is "people are people wherever you go", and I try to have that reflect in my writing. After all, if the main character of your story is Charles Manson, you might even start thinking of him as a "good guy", even though he is one of the most monstrous characters I have ever come across.
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