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Thread: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

  1. #1
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Gatorade, is it in you?
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    Icon5 Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    Edward Gibbon, that slimy infamous book merchant, the Gavin Menzies of his day!

    I think there is strong circumstantial evidence that Edward Gibbon, in his zeal to sell gaudy and salacious material, invented a time machine so he could personally take a trip back in time to the Antonine period, to lay the seeds of destruction for the Roman Empire. I think it's quite possible that Edward Gibbon, in his Enlightenment-period laboratory, invented a viral strain in a beaker (take that, Louis Pasteur), traveled back in time, and then unleashed this foul virus into the water system of a Parthian village during the 160s AD, bringing plague and misery to the Roman Empire under Marcus Aurelius' otherwise storied reign. I believe Edward Gibbon also flattered his way into the Roman imperial court and potentially whispered honeyed words and corrosively bad advice into the ears of Commodus, Severus, Valerian, and Honorius, encouraging them to debase the once proud and mighty Roman Empire, leading to its decline and ultimate destruction. And he did it all, just to sell his trashy tabloid: The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

    Give us your thoughts! Should Gibbon's remains be exhumed and harangued before a jury of his peers in a high court of law for his innumerable crimes? Or has the statute of limitations passed on the matter? I think we should invent a time machine just to go back and tar and feather this man. What a devil! Join me on Twitter as we assemble for a large book burning event.

    Down with Gibbon! Down with the oppressor! Latin power!

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    Adamat's Avatar Invertebrate
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    Move along, citizen. This person has been submitted to gulag for re-education purposes.

    Son of Diamat

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    LaMuerte's Avatar Senator
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current;No sooner is a thing brought to sight then it is swept by and another takes it place, and this too will be swept away. - Marcus Aurelius

    If time is a sort of river of passing events, Gibbon must have time-traveled to Rome by some sort of ship. Possibly a river barge. Perhaps a Chinese Fleet led by Menzies brought them there.
    Last edited by LaMuerte; May 31, 2018 at 06:34 PM.

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    Arbitrary Crusader's Avatar Praefectus
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    I just wanna go back and beat the out of Marc Anthony before his hard on for Cicero

    ♪ Now it's over, I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do

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    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    Didn't Napoleon famously describe Gibbon's prose style as "barking"? ^_^

    Besides: "Byzantine"
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










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    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Gatorade, is it in you?
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Adamat View Post
    Move along, citizen. This person has been submitted to gulag for re-education purposes.
    Stalin's gulag can't melt Roman Noricum steel.

    Quote Originally Posted by LaMuerte View Post
    Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current;No sooner is a thing brought to sight then it is swept by and another takes it place, and this too will be swept away. - Marcus Aurelius

    If time is a sort of river of passing events, Gibbon must have time-traveled to Rome by some sort of ship. Possibly a river barge. Perhaps a Chinese Fleet led by Menzies brought them there.
    This is a valid theory in my mind. Menzies was a navy man after all. A crap one, but a navy man nonetheless! He would know how to man the ship that led to Rome. As we all know, all waterways lead to Rome.

    Quote Originally Posted by Arbitrary Crusader View Post
    I just wanna go back and beat the out of Marc Anthony before his hard on for Cicero
    I guess Cleopatra would have to latch herself onto a different man, then! However, it wouldn't have been Octavian, since he was so at odds with her son Caesarion.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyriakos View Post
    Didn't Napoleon famously describe Gibbon's prose style as "barking"? ^_^

    Besides: "Byzantine"
    Napoleon was onto something!

    Also, we're talking about the Western Roman Empire here, Kyriakos, not the Eastern Roman Empire, obviously! Unless you want to form the valid argument that Gibbon was also responsible for the sack of Constantinople by Crusaders in 1204 and the capture of the city by the Ottomans in 1453. That I could get behind.

  7. #7
    Centenarius
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    He also made sure, that Basil II, the Βουλγαροκτόνος, would not marry and sire some badasses like himself, starting a long lasting Dynasty of efficient roman Emperors.

    Thus in the long run Gibbon is guilty for Manznikert and everything that happened afterwards.

  8. #8
    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    There was almost a new (sort of*) Basil II emperor in the late 40s, with the byzantine civil war and Georgios - The Mountain -Maniakes.
    Maniakes was a huge and imposing warrior-general, who took parts of Sicily back for the byz empire, having under his command also the famous varangian (and later kind of Norway) Harald Haldrade. Georgios became ruler of the byzantine theme of Italy, but later revolted due to heavy insult by the empreror (and some brutal slayings by Georgios tied to that).
    In the civil war the emperor was set to very clearly lose, and in fact Georgios won the battle near Thessalonike, but given he was so reckless he didn't protect himself and was arrowed down. So the empire continued having spineless freaks for emperors, until Romanos Diogenes, and until it was too late. :/

    *Maniakes was certainly as brutal as Basil II, but nowhere near as politically skillful. He was pretty much Game of Thrones "the Mountain" or (at best) Khal Drogo

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Maniakes
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










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    Ἀπολλόδοτος Α΄ ὁ Σωτήρ's Avatar Yeah science!
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    Every time I see a funny thread title on historical subject, I know Roma_Victrix is behind it.
    Last edited by Ἀπολλόδοτος Α΄ ὁ Σω July 07, 2018 at 04:25 PM.
    "First get your facts straight, then distort them at your leisure." - Mark Twain

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    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    ^ Yes ^_^
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










  11. #11
    EmperorBatman999's Avatar I say, what, what?
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    The massive size of his second chin created the ripple in the space-time continuum that must've made his journeys back 1,400 years possible!

    The secret power of this unassuming tool, however, would have remained unknown if it weren't for the ghost of Isaac Newton explaining to Gibbons the power he held on his very own face. Of course, Newton was on the verge of discovering something more than his namesake Newtonian physics...something quantum...if only the mercury hadn't gotten to him first!
    Last edited by EmperorBatman999; July 07, 2018 at 11:19 PM.

  12. #12
    Kyriakos's Avatar Praeses
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    Default Re: Did Edward Gibbon invent a time machine so he could go back to the Roman era to ensure its demise, just so he could write and sell his book about it?

    My favourite quote about Newton has always been that "he was involved in crushing beetles in an attempt to make himself invisible".
    Λέων μεν ὄνυξι κρατεῖ, κέρασι δε βούς, ἄνθρωπος δε νῷι
    "While the lion prevails with its claws, and the ox through its horns, man does by his thinking"
    Anaxagoras of Klazomenae, 5th century BC










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