Blood and Diamonds.

[Owlparrot3]

Chapter 27.

What William had never thought was how empty Kruger's fortress looked in the long afternoons and the early evenings, for this was the time when men of business like Kruger and everyone else was out for work and only the woman and the servants remained inside. He was under strict orders of not leaving the manor on any day except for a holiday on Sunday and a few hours of break on Saturday. In return, he was recieving a lot of money so life was generally good.

But being back in the world of civilized people gave way to old memories of his life back in the states, the world was changing fast, the forces of Sefu Bin Hamid were being defeated bit by bit and the telegraph daily relayed messages from far off provinces in the interior to the capital of the Congo state.

Once while he was leisurely manning a window whlist drinking tea, he was disturbed by some presence near him, with one hand on his pistol and another still on his tea cup, he had looked behind to see who, but Sophie Kruger herself near him, she was wearing a European dress coupled with cowboy features like a hat and a leather belt.

"Good morning Mr.Trent" she said with a voice that striked of confidence.

"Uh, good morning maam" he replied somewhat timidly.

"You must be having a great time adventuring out in the wild?" she asked suddenly in a jealous tone.

He replied immediately "Mmm, not exactly great, it was full of dangers and there were the wild animals and wild people an the army was...................................

"Stop with the evasiveness shall we, I know that the only reason you fled the US was to have such a life of fun....a life of....of........enjoyment !" she suddenly smiled.

It was then that William discovered how beautiful her smile was with her voluminous cheeks and her confident jaw and those eyes................those were like two marbles.

"Yes, tell me Maam, do you like adventure too" he asked .

"Oh yes, if only i was born a man, i would have liked to take your place, i know how to ride, i know how to defend myself with a knife, if only i could know how to shoot" she lamented.

He was going to say something, but just then the Native woman assigned to be Sophie's servant called her, it was time to feed her European birds, she would not allow the servants to do that.

All in all, living in this manor was proving to be a new experience for William. But at the back of his mind, he could not help but think about the various questions he had, of those anamolies that he had seen, on Saturday of that week, he vowed, he would finally start finding out, where the ground was sinking.



So on Saturday, William left the manor at evening to start his break, it was time to start looking around for answers to his questions.

[The Wandering Storyteller]

Okay so I'm taking a look at Chapter 1. Also, keep doing what you're doing. Writing is a commited business so never lose it.

Here's my critique of chapter 1? I'll leave comments for the other chapters as well.

1890s-The Belgian Congo was one of the biggest private property in the world owned not by Belgium, but only by King Leopold 2.Under him the Belgians commited some of the worst atrocities of the colonial era.But there were others who commited even cruel atrocities .People such as the arab slave traders.To guard this vast Private property the Belgians needed a force which would recruit the best talent from the world.This meant that membership would not only be restricted to Belgians.So various mercenaries and Fillibusters joined the group.Many like William Trent who were bored with their civilized settled life began to rush to the Belgian Congo.

I studied a bit about the Belgian Congo and Leopold II was no respectable man. He embarrassed the European powers that were doing the same crime - but he did it out in the open.

So I'm going to do a rewrite - just to make it clearer.

1890

The Congo could be described as one of the biggest private properties in the world owned by a destitute King. Under his reign, the Belgians preceeded violence on an unprecedented scale that wouldn't be replicated until WW2. That didn't hide the fact of the Spanish conquest of Mexico, where the missionaries had wiped out the pages of Aztec and Mayan History. Likewise, the Belgian's desire to become an Imperalist power was only shortened, not lengthened. They recruited various merchants and the Flillibuster to join and maintain control over the Congo. Many like William Trent, bored in the old world, setteld to rush towards the Congo.

You had a great start below. I did some changes. I compared it to a recent colonial conquest but atm it's just a suggestion. And the Belgians weren't the greatest rulers. So weren't the other European powers for that matter.

To guard this vast Private property the Belgians needed a force which would recruit the best talent from the world.This meant that membership would not only be restricted to Belgians.So various mercenaries and Fillibusters joined the group.Many like William Trent who were bored with their civilized settled life began to rush to the Belgian Congo.


William Trent was born in 1864,the son of Respectable New York stockbroker George Trent.In 1889 at the age of 25 after serving in the military for 3 years he vanished from the house one day.He went to Belgian Congo where with the help of a connected friend he gained outside admission with the Force Publique.Within mere months he had shown unimaginable feats of bravery and tact against revolting tribes and Arab Slave traders and was felicitated by Francis Dhanis.

This is fine - but is this a novel format style you're writing? Also felictiated is a difficult word to write. But who is Francis Dhanis?

The encouragemefelicitateds proved to be a major factor and in early 1891 he received a strange secret letter.On it was a seal of the King Leopold2.According to the letter Trent was officially removed from the Force Publique and was to be given free rein in guarding Leopold's territories.In simpler terms the high command wanted to hire Trent as a private muscle to do their dirty jobs,some from outside the law.With promise of big money,there was no way Trent could refuse and thus begins a story of deceit,murder,war and suffering.But most importantly thrill.

I'd use some spacing just to make it more clearer. You write the encouragement felicitated - what does it mean?

A strange letter? Who from?

The rest is fine.


The message arrived at noon on a February day in 1892. Coded as usual delivered by a single trusted horseman.It was signed by general Kruger.The grandmaster.At that time William was camping alone in a forest in Katagna.After decoding,it was something like this

I have a better idea. Why not have this in a train setting where an strange men approaches him in first class offering him a chance of a lifetime? This was similar to what happened in the Last Samurai - but deals like this were being made during the 1870s - a revolutionary time for Europe. And who is Kruger? Explain what his role is like.


William Trent,
The ivory traders in Poueto are refusing to pay up our 'special' 'extra' taxes.Why not go pay their camp a visit and persuade them.After all the country needs the money.They have got a small lodge in the camp.Nothing wondrous,just a native who serves tea,paltry food and 5 to 6 small rooms with beds.Maybe if you can go,give the camp a visit and sort things out,then we will be greatfull.Payment in diamonds as you like.
About breaking the law.Avoid it if you can,do it if you must.You will be covered.
Yours graceously.
Kruger.

Make this more cleverer. Breaking the Law - you must write it like Kruger is convincing him to 'break the law' without telling it.

Showing it would be like this:

Dear William Trent,

The ivory traders in Poueto refuse to pay taxes that our noble King, Leopold II demands. I urge you at the utmost to inspect the camp and deliver this royal seal. They will understand. If not, Belgian might will be enough to handle them. Ivory traders are savages after all. We Europeans dominate the world and so we must keep our domination permanent. Living arrangments and expenses have been covered. But if I may say, avoid breaking the law. We don't need any more international condemnation. God knows how the French treat the Indo-Chinese and yet condemnation from the other powers never arrives. The Americans and the Spanish wiped the natives from their lands. Yet Belgium, a small country but proud and mighty, does one problem and we are condemned forever. Have the English forgotten their crimes? It reeks of hypocrisy.

Whatever you do, serve Belgium and you will be richly rewarded.

Signed.

General Kruger.

Etc,.

If you write it like this - notice.

1) I've added Belgium's dislike of other powers. Because they think they are doing it right as the other European powers.
2) I've given tension - by saying to inspect the camp - Trent is still in the Congo and while there may be journalists, who's to say he can't do anything there?
3) I've added the common theme - Europeans dominate the world - so this is often repeated everywhere in popular fiction.

But then again - this is your story. I've only made suggestions. You decide what you think is best.


Pueto was a small town outpost.Near it was a vast jungle full of roaming herds of animals.A heaven for ivory traders.The Dreksen ivory camp was like those trade unions they had back at home.A small camp was built by the same Adalgar Dreksen who also started the union. A few years before after mounting attacks by natives and Arabs,the union had requested the high command to supply them with some soldiers who could patrol the jungles and ensure safety for the trade,in return the union would pay a tax free payment to some higher ups.

Paragraph break.

The soldiers did come but they did not stay. After news of the patrols arrival had spread,the tribals and Arabs stopped the harassment and moved to other areas. So the senior officers ordered the soldiers to leave and stop patrolling Pueto. But they still expected the union to pay up the cash. This was intolerable to them and so in a mark of defiance they outright refused to pay up threatening instead that they would take this story to the press. The high command realised that the only way to teach them a lesson was to send someone with the right talents after them.


5 February 1892.


It was evening when that strange outsider arrived at the Dreksen camp. Dressed in the kind of clothes adventurers wear, - Is this an Indianina Jones style we're looking at? You could look at British explorerers - there's a good book on it - how they were convinced to look around for the Nile River. You can say - they were dressed in the clothing of adventurerers.

this man came confidently How about settled? inside the lodge like a regular. Once inside he went straight to the bar and ordered the local wine. Leaning against the wall he removed his hat slowly and sighed. After the drink had arrived he took the glass and sat on a single chair in a corner of the saloon. The regulards anxiously watched him until he finished his drink.


It was only when he got up and gestured for a small snack that one of the regulars ,a middle aged ivory trader called Van Huesen- Reverse this. One of the regulars, Van Husen approached him, sitting silently at the bar. Glancing around, he asked him silently. asked him silently "Pray sir,what's your name,- How about? Haven't seen you around these parts of the Congo before. Who are you then? What's your name? You don't look like no regular in our land. you dont look like no regular in these parts".


"For the matter, I am not sir."replied the man.


"So,a new ivory trader huh?" asked Van.


"No"was simply the answer.


"But then why are you in the camp"asked a frutuated Van.- You could spice this sentence up.

Van grinned before chuckling. 'It's a dangerous business you know...the ivory trade is a uncomfortable one. What doesn't tell the fact sir, is how you came here in the first place. Make one step out of this tavern and you'll be up in the slave trade. Is that understood?'

I've made Van a more threatening type of person - giving him gravitas - making him bigger than he is supposed to be.


"I am err........in service and i like to follow the call of the wild,ever since i was school,i have held a certain fascination for elephants"said the man.


"Well,then let me ask you a few questions,just for fun eh"said Van. - Good. I'm not sure if English is your second langauge, but I've had problems writing in English - it's ahard langauge to tough in. I say you could try 'Van said' instead of 'said Van'/ But whatever you think is best.


"Go ahead "was the curt reply.


"Can a new born elephant see?"asked Van.


"Nope"said the man now revealing his American accent.


"Can he stand?"asked Van.


"Yes Sir"said the man.


"Whats their lifespan"asked Van.


"About 50-70 years are fine enough"said the man.


"Ah,an easy one for last sir,i hope its no problem since your eat's - You mean meal? arrived"asked Van.


"Go on"said the man.


"Why does an elephant live"asked Van.

"Err.......to help us humans of course sir,and for ivory"said the man with a change of tone.


"Marvellous"shouted Van.


"You are a correct man sir,not only do you understand elephants but your temprament - smile - I suggest using the word. is just right for this camp,come let me introduce you to some like minded fellows"said Van.


The man having eaten just a morsel stopped and shyly said "Ok".

See I'd make Van question him more deeply. You always want to make it seem tension wise. Otherwise how would the man accept the stranger just like that? Or could it be for something more deeper?

Still - the chapter was a great start. Very immersive!

[Alwyn]

Good update, I like the way that you show William "leisurely manning a window whlist drinking tea", those kinds of scenes can give us subtle hints about characters and make it easy to picture the story. His reaction to the person who arrives, and the description of that person, is nicely done too (I'm talking in vague terms to avoid spoiling the story for other readers).

[Owlparrot3]

Good update, I like the way that you show William "leisurely manning a window whlist drinking tea", those kinds of scenes can give us subtle hints about characters and make it easy to picture the story. His reaction to the person who arrives, and the description of that person, is nicely done too (I'm talking in vague terms to avoid spoiling the story for other readers).

Thanks so much for commenting man, and so much thanks for the vague terms. Yes, lets hope everything good happens ahead.

[The Wandering Storyteller]

Hi Mad Orc,

Just asking do you need any inline feedback?