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  1. #1

    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    Quote Originally Posted by NorseThing View Post
    I mentioned in an earlier post about coin flipping, so I must note the last line in the latest episode has the sound of a coin being flipped.

    I am getting more into this story. Do you think your writing style is similar to any admired old western novelists?
    I have not actually done extensive reading by any old western novelists. When I began the writing I had a quasi-western idea in mind and as time has gone on its set quite well into the western setting. The only quasi about it now that I’m fleshing out is the idea of their premonitions. I’m glad you’re getting to pull the sense of the coin flipping. As we move along I hope you’ll be able to envision him doing so.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alwyn View Post
    Arden and Gideon sound confident, despite the dangers in the town. It sounds like the Peacekeepers want to change how the townsfolk perceive the Black Adders, as well as defeating the Black Adders in combat.
    So, what I want to do is convey that the occupying forces have been there so long, that the town has actually started to accept the arrangement and actually see some benefit coming of it too. The Black Adders are just a regiment of those forces in a manner of speaking but I don’t think I conveyed that well in the writing. I’m glad you continue to read and hopefully it hasn’t slowed too much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Axis Sunsoar View Post
    I loved these last two chapters, I think they really gave a good insight into the methods of peacekeepers, and really helped develop the world's setting. The casual dispensation of death in chapter 4 particularly stood out to me as contributing to your world building and the mentality of your characters concerning the prevalence of violence.
    I am glad to hear it! I’ve been worried that they might have made some feel like last chapter pumped the brakes too hard. At this point I am hoping we have a good grasp of the group dynamics and will really feel the individual personalities in the chapter to come.


    To all,

    This weeks chapter will be a little late. I had a bit of a vision of where I want it to go in a chapter or two so I actually wrote that and I can’t wait to get there. First, I feel as though my actual writing has left much to be desired. I’ll be taking a little extra time in my next chapter to fine tune the syntax and verbiage.

  2. #2
    Caillagh de Bodemloze's Avatar to rede I me delyte
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    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    I've just caught up with this. There's a huge (and obviously very appropriate) amount of tension there by the end of the last chapter. I can't help wondering how things will turn out for the innocent folk in Destin. Presumably there still are some...






  3. #3

    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    Next Chapter done. As we reach the apex of town discord, I hope to bring across the elevation of the native townsfolk effectively. I hope to do this without sacrificing my character development. I also hope that this chapter is the most well written of them so far in regards to imagery and getting across the emotion of the chapter itself. Enjoy group, as Arden begins to steer the machine that is Destin.

    Chapter 6

    On the edge of town limits lay a farm. I plowed and tilled this farm during my scouting phase. During my interactions with natives and immigrants alike I come to understand the farm was taken from a man named Aldrich. Aldrich was thought to be a good successor for the sheriff, much to his own chagrin, until the townsfolk were made to realized that Law Dog Jesup would not allow such democratic proceedings to be so….democratic. The prior Sheriff’s death was gruesome and unceremonious, unlike it was the death of the democracy itself. First came an influx of people not of the town. Among them was a man named Lecter who manifested as the voice and fist of those people. When it still seemed the home town hero Aldrich would still be victorious, Law Dog Jesup came and washed away any chances of it. Like the tide he came and swept away the deputies and a handful of other prominent townsfolk who all manufactured his Aldrich’s candidacy even against his wishes. Aldrich lost and Lecter has terrorized the townsfolk ever since. He started by stripping Aldrich of his family farm. As the kind of man he was, he stalked off quietly into insignificance. Boring.


    Aldrich had a son. With impulsivity that came with youth, Martin Aldrich had already gotten into trouble a handful of times for harassing Jesup’s lackeys. He sat in the town jail following one of these affronts. I walk up the creaky steps into the rickety two floor and four cell jailhouse and one of the deputies stood guard. Martin was about my age, as I gathered, but his was a smooth face where mine was worn by many dangers faced. I approach the bars and shake my head at the boy.


    “You know, there are better reasons to get arrested. A bar fight with Adders is idiotic.” I jeered. There were but two other occupants in the cell. One was put there for not giving his own beer to an Adder upon demand, and the other for questioning Sheriff concerning his own lost land. The latter had been a man of some repute as was Martins father. All in all, hardly the dregs of society.


    “Had it just been one I might have won.” Martin lay on a half rotted bench along the far wall. His legs far outstretched the bench and his shoulders hung well over the edges. “You are John. We met before on the farm. Strong hands for a normal wanderer, I remember thinking. So John, what brings you to my quarters?” Martin outstretched his arm, letting it hang in the air. He was a little more observant than I had supposed.


    “I want to post bail and speak to you in a place more private.” I told him while withdrawing coins from my pocket. With the deputy having named the price I freed all three of the men. Martin walked to my left, quiet and contemplative even if for just a moment. I trekked quietly alongside him keeping my eyes from glancing upward. All the Law Dogs men began to lay eyes on myself and the boy. I brandish smiles at a few of them but I kept my hand on my thigh strapped knife. I goad Martin with a hushed voice, “Vermin all of them, friend.”


    “I hate these Black Adders. I hate all of Law Dogs gang. They have taken everything of worth; land and resources. They left us with squat!” By the end of his declaration his voice was raised and so too was the temperature of his blood. He had fair skin which burned red now and his voice shook. He kept up his ramblings as we walked and I paid little attention to them. My thoughts were on the sky yet I would not allow my eyes to join them. He certainly had anger and he paired that with, what I sensed to be, Peacekeeper ability. His problem was a lack of direction and a lack of discipline. His father treated him as a child that much was evident in his manner.


    As we made our way loudly to the edge of the town we were spied on by citizen and by Sheriff Lecter. I kept a quick pace, nodding at those I had dealings with but not stopping for anyone. At the edge of town I stopped a moment taking a deep breath and a moment. There was a freedom in the air here at the edge. Just now I realize how long I have been in this place. This place of duty. It confined me and yet standing on the precipice of freedom I hesitated. I could leave this mission behind me If I wanted, me and my Pride could just go about our business. As I think of this, the shrieks and cries of a nameless woman lunge penetrate my mind. The babel continues until I can hear nothing else. Her screams surround me. The desperate shrieks of unceasing pain. The kind of pain that came from mind rather than body. A separate scream broke my trance as those who were spying us were now clattering on about smoke rising above the town. Martin Aldrich swore and ran back toward the smoke as I followed behind, without thought to the freedom now behind me.


    By the time we found the fire it was thick and engulfed a few sprawled out buildings. None yet had fallen but the wooden structures could not last much longer. The flame tips threatened adjacent buildings. Idle gatherers had joined us by now. Some ran in and out of the burning buildings; most exited with the possessions of others. Martin’s father exited with people choking on smoke as he hoisted them from out of the fire. His face was covered in both soot and sadness. Martin started to sprint to his fathers aid when I stopped him.


    “The more of us there are the more we can save. Let us ask the Deputies for help.” I offered.


    He went frantically begging the Deputy’s for assistance. The deputies merely shifted their attention from the fire for a moment as his request went unheeded. Martin cursed them for their ambivalence and took to the first burning house he could find. I followed suit into the same building. I had to be sure Martin didn’t die in his heroics; the town must rally behind him when the time came. Inside the building the ceiling had already begun to collapse. Muffled coughs came from upstairs so I take them up. The steps disintegrated almost all ash. A few that remained crumbled under my weight. The coughing gets closer as I peer around room to room. Then, Martin was before me with an unconscious lady in his arms.


    “Wynona, she has a daughter but I can’t find her.” Martin panicked. I patted him on the shoulder urging him outside. I assure him I will continue the search. I check the last and largest of the rooms and find it empty. The ceiling is beginning to come down on me as I swear. A plank fell nearly hitting me atop my head. Attic!


    I jump to pull myself up for a look but the board crumbles beneath my fingers. Cursing the weakness of wood I scan the cracks of the ceiling. Three more planks fell around me. I can feel someone else here. A faint presence near. The flames around me are growing and are flickering closer and closer. I can feel the heat on my face become more intense. Another plank falls baring the door but revealing a shadow in the attic. I manage my way closer and the shadow becomes a child curled up in the corner. Using the recently fallen plank, I beat the ceiling until the child comes crashing through and into my arms. A board beneath me crumbles sending my leg through and the child out of my arms. The body of the child hit the ground as a fallen stone while her limbs dangled and moved while falling like streamers. You can get out, just finish though the floor and say you can’t find her. In reality it would only benefit our cause.
    Just then the child moved and gave an ever slight groan.


    Moments later I emerge from the house. More cracks and crackles from wood and flame can be heard behind me as Wynona comes running to me. I place her child on the floor and begin compressing her chest. From my mouth from to the childs I exhale air. From that air, life stirred from her again. Wynona sobbed and I crept away surprised how much work it was: pulling my leg from the floor and the girl away from the house. We were able to make a couple more runs before many of the houses collapsed on themselves. After the last, I stood hunched over with hands on my knees. Mere feet away, J.P Aldrich mirrored my pose.


    “Mr. Aldrich that was brave of you. Hurling yourself into danger like that.” His face was without expression. He neither turned his head nor his body to acknowledge my words. I wiped sweat from my brow astonished by how very little was on Aldrich’s. He moved quickly and his deeply drawn breaths seemed forced. A modest degree of difficulty, the task before boasted, and I played at being more exerted than I was. Yet the elder, though robust, J.P Aldrich was before me seemingly doing the same.


    “My name is J.P son and it was a reflex.” He puffed the first recognition of my words. His eyes refused to meet mine. Instead, he looked the Black Adders that stood in the distance. They stood far enough that their faces were hardly discernible to me. The smoke didn’t help.


    Coming from behind me bellowed Martin Aldrich, “Those bastards! They don’t care about us! All they care about is their interest. They couldn’t even help me save some of the people-” Martin coughed and wheezed. Others clamored around him in agreement. Loud was their anger through the night. The only light drew from the embers still glowing from ruble. The starry night sky was covered by smoke. Martin’s father tried to calm him and reason with some of the other townsfolk but he could not get through. The town was drawn to Martin and his charisma. A hometown hero in the making.


    From the Black Adders in the distance I could hear them say, though audible only to the volume of a whisper to me, “When Jesup gets in town tomorrow he won’t be happy.”
    The comment elicited a continued smile from me and a feeling of accomplishment at our task. As I admired Martins ever growing fandom I gave his father a nod and shouted my approval. Mr. Aldrich stared toward me with a frown.


  4. #4
    Axis Sunsoar's Avatar Domesticus
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    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    Great update! I think you very effectively introduced and sketched out a description of some potentially important new characters. The fire added some nice tension and a good change in direction to the chapter, although it was a little unclear (to me at least) what was happening at first, it seems that may have been part of the vibe you were hoping to achieve.

    I can't help but wonder who started the fire, and whose goals it will ultimately help.

  5. #5
    NorseThing's Avatar Primicerius
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    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    I second Axis in his comments. I did like the whole episode, but the fire and the saving of life adds to the stature of Aldrich. I look forward to seeing much much more of him. A Great update!

  6. #6
    Alwyn's Avatar Frothy Goodness
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    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    I also agree with Axis Sunsoar. Your imagery is done well and I enjoyed the combination of the need to achieve the immediate task (the rescue during the fire) while at the same time needing to pursue broader goals (such as the town rallying behind a particular character at a specific time.)
    Last edited by Alwyn; December 30, 2017 at 06:11 AM.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Smith and Keeper

    Great read .Aldrich seems like a well developed character .+rep.
    100% mobile poster so pls forgive grammer

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