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Thread: Of Wolves and Prey [Updated: 03/01; Part III.2]

  1. #121

    Default Re: III.1 The tolling of Bells

    The Tolling of the Bells part is quite good! (I have yet to read the newest one, so comments on that later) I know you asked me in pm about the Liprand part, as you thought you could cut it, but I find it to be a powerful and useful thing to add. It shows the absurdity and brutality of the time well, and while it might not be a huge thing for your plot to come, it does some serious work for world-building and setting the feel of the work that will follow. I would definitely leave it in, and basically as is. There are some little tweaks and edits that could be used to tighten the text, but overall, I am liking it!

    One thing you should change is the formatting of the bits with Matteo's thoughts. The standard way to express a character's inner thoughts is to italicize the text, rather than single quotation marks. But other than that, I did really find this bit to be good, and I look forward to reading the next installment!
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  2. #122

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Prey [Updated: 03/01; Part III.2]

    It's lovely to see a second update so quickly, and I am really glad that you are back at writing again. I think in general, you'd gain a lot by just forcing yourself to write something -- anything-- every day, even if it's only a single sentence. Your attention to planning is really good, but I feel it sometimes hinders your actually moving, and that is a shame. Keep it up, and keep the words flowing. And as any good writer always wishes for, here are now some critical cutting remarks

    Comments and edits

    The first paragraph has a little too much telling, and too little showing. I think you could just reread and make some edits, and by little changes, make a huge improvement!

    In the second paragraph there are a number of small errors and confusing bits of phrasing. You could tighten that up a lot.

    In the third, there is again the point about italicizing thoughts, rather than putting them in single quotes.

    I feel like the comments and descriptions of the girl are a bit too... I don't know. Blunt and tactless are the words I'd use, but they are a bit too harsh in connotation. At any rate, I think a bit more subtlety of expression should be thrown in there.

    Other than those things, I also liked this update. I think the one above is more polished, and this could use that extra sheen, but in terms of general content and precision, it is just fine. Just go through it again and add some final touches, and it'll be right as rain!

    I must also say, I agree with Derc about the things that went well in Tolling of the Bells, as well as his point about it being good to more often throw us little clips from the priest/old wolf bookend. I think it would be okay to not have them as often, if we knew who the old man is, but since we don't (and you seem to want to be building something with that uncertainty), it is important that there be more regular tidbits from that timeline. In general, I think you could do one of two things with these separate timelines, both of which are okay, but which aim for different points.

    1. You could have it as is, with it being unclear who the old man is, and then have regular reminders that he is the catalyst for this tale. Then I'd expect some sort of interesting reveal of who he is towards the end. That would be satisfying, and keep my interest throughout.
    2. Alternatively, you could make clear who he is in the beginning, and then leave him out of everything in between, and only go back to him at the end. What I'm thinking of is the standard "bookending" idea most prominent in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. With that you can pique our interest in this odd, haunted, seemingly nasty individual, and then show us his tale, ending where we began back in the valley.

    For your tale, I think you have done a bit of work toward both 1 and 2, with a bit more on 1, but you can decide for either method. I think the big advantage of 2, for you, is that you can avoid having the need to regularly go back to the priest/old wolf, allowing you to focus on the actual story of the three boys.

    Anyway, I hope the thoughts are of some use
    Last edited by Kilo11; January 06, 2020 at 07:24 AM. Reason: Formatting fail :(
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  3. #123
    Derc's Avatar Semisalis
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    Aug 2018

    Default Re: Of Wolves and Prey [Updated: 03/01; Part III.2]

    What I didn't like? That you posted an update right after I commented. Stop trolling or I'll force you to update every time I comment, then spam your thread.

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