The first paragraph has a little too much telling, and too little showing. I think you could just reread and make some edits, and by little changes, make a huge improvement!
In the second paragraph there are a number of small errors and confusing bits of phrasing. You could tighten that up a lot.
In the third, there is again the point about italicizing thoughts, rather than putting them in single quotes.
I feel like the comments and descriptions of the girl are a bit too... I don't know. Blunt and tactless are the words I'd use, but they are a bit too harsh in connotation. At any rate, I think a bit more subtlety of expression should be thrown in there.
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