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Thread: The issue with Gargokladioi

  1. #1
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default The issue with Gargokladioi

    The new v. 2.35A R3.5 Gargokladioi Celtic infantry models for various factions look great, with their colorful multitude of outfits and different hairdos, some even with neat little karate style looking headbands similar to the Chatti veterans (even the Kingetoi Uisuparanon spearmen have these now too).

    The way they look ain't the problem, though, pal. It's the way they sound: now they sound WAY TOO badass when you click on them! Too fierce! Too strong! When they say "Gargokladioi" in more than just a deep manly voice but also a super angry pissed off one, it sounds like they're tearing off their shirt and putting up their fists to punch me in the face right through my computer screen. Or worse! Tearing off someone's head and coming after me next as headhunters like the Volkae!

    Which is why I have contacted my lawyer and am now filing a lawsuit against the EBII team for damages incurred to my mental health. Your game hurt me! And for that I'm going to make you pay. I can't even play and enjoy the game without dreading having to click on the Gargokladioi unit, which will just trigger painful memories of that unit's verbal assault. You triggered me, and now no safe space is safe from the Gargokladioi.

    Every time I click on the Gargokladioi and he inevitably responds with testosterone-filled infuriated rage, shattering glass objects in my bedroom with full volume, I can only think of such fitting images in my head (feel free to share your own):





  2. #2

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    I once spent a few minutes voice acting Gargokladioi and my neighbor called the cops on me.

  3. #3
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    I once spent a few minutes voice acting Gargokladioi and my neighbor called the cops on me.
    I'm very sorry to hear that. See! You should be suing EBII for damages! You got the cops to come by the house and it's the fault of EBII and the unbridled manliness of the Gargokladioi when you click on them on the battle map.

    GARGOKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    You might be interested in my new femme gargokladioi submod, for the more sensitive modern gamer. Comes complete with anime girl voices and tutu armor upgrades!

  5. #5
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Dooz View Post
    You might be interested in my new femme gargokladioi submod, for the more sensitive modern gamer. Comes complete with anime girl voices and tutu armor upgrades!
    Sounds great! Certainly a good alternative for folks who just can't stand the immense power possessed by the current Gargokladioi, who speak with the same forcefulness as someone trying to jack your car on the side of the road while holding you at gunpoint. Your submod would also remove some of the toxic masculinity inherent in EBII. Bravo!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Thank you. Now where do I redeem my social credit to put towards offsetting the mass slaughter and slavery of the current campaign?

  7. #7

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Why do I only hear fart noises these days when Americans talk?
    Is there any forum on this planet where I don't have to read these hysterical mutterings about some US nonsense??

  8. #8

  9. #9

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Dooz View Post
    Lol mad get rekt

    #BLM
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SK8ai8g__Y

  10. #10
    Foederatus
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi


  11. #11
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    New archaeological evidence suggests Gargokladioi more bad@$$ than previously thought

    Spoiler for Murikakladioi

  12. #12

  13. #13

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Dooz View Post
    New archaeological evidence suggests Gargokladioi more bad@$$ than previously thought

    Spoiler for Murikakladioi
    BREAKING NEWS

    Galatians invade Mesopotamia after discovering oil deposits.

    "The Seleucids are totally hoarding Lithoboloi of Mass Destruction" says Brennus, who declined to provide further comments.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    BREAKING NEWS

    Galatians invade Mesopotamia after discovering oil deposits.

    "The Seleucids are totally hoarding Lithoboloi of Mass Destruction" says Brennus, who declined to provide further comments.
    Brilliant.
    I was laughing so hard, i got a heart attack. Fortunately, here in Europe i won’t have to pay 32 000 $ for the hospital bill.
    But seriously now, from here it seems like those seleucids are in desperate need of some democracy.





  15. #15
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Dooz View Post
    Thank you. Now where do I redeem my social credit to put towards offsetting the mass slaughter and slavery of the current campaign?
    I'm afraid not. For your unforgivable sins against little virtual people in a video game, you'll be making a one stop visit to the Hague for war crimes trials.

    Quote Originally Posted by bismarck 1899 View Post
    Why do I only hear fart noises these days when Americans talk?
    Is there any forum on this planet where I don't have to read these hysterical mutterings about some US nonsense??
    You read text and hear fart noises? Listen buddy, nobody even mentioned the USA until you brought it up. Sorry you can't handle satire and/or sarcastic posts, Bismarck, because your German culture is so joyless and purely efficient. At least the French enjoy silly humor (and Brits have Monty Python).

    Quote Originally Posted by Dooz View Post
    New archaeological evidence suggests Gargokladioi more bad@$$ than previously thought

    Spoiler for Murikakladioi
    That's one of the best edits I've ever seen for EBII, should be canon and included in the game.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoebopp View Post
    BREAKING NEWS

    Galatians invade Mesopotamia after discovering oil deposits.

    "The Seleucids are totally hoarding Lithoboloi of Mass Destruction" says Brennus, who declined to provide further comments.
    I didn't even think to connect the Galatians to the American Empire under George W. Bush, I always assumed people would equate us with the Roman Republic. In either case, those Seleucids are hiding something! And Colin Powell has a vial of pure concentrated Lithoboloi juice to prove it.

  16. #16

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Dooz View Post
    New archaeological evidence suggests Gargokladioi more bad@$$ than previously thought

    Spoiler for Murikakladioi
    Recruitable from my favorite Gallic settlement, Flavortown.

  17. #17

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Hirtius View Post
    Recruitable from my favorite Gallic settlement, Flavortown.
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

  18. #18
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Hirtius View Post
    Recruitable from my favorite Gallic settlement, Flavortown.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mamlaz View Post
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    I'm dying here. It's too much. I had this thought long ago that Guy Fieri's frosty-tipped spikey blond hair was reminiscent of those ancient Gauls in Greek and Roman art, but never in my wildest dreams did I think there would be worthy memes dedicated solely to this. In honor of that, here's the Guy himself, dubbed over by Jaboody Dubs:



    "Alright, so there I was sleeping in an IHOP last night, when I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat and thought to myself: when's the last time I had a cannoli hit the back of my throat?"

  19. #19

    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by Roma_Victrix View Post



    You read text and hear fart noises? Listen buddy, nobody even mentioned the USA until you brought it up. Sorry you can't handle satire and/or sarcastic posts, Bismarck, because your German culture is so joyless and purely efficient. At least the French enjoy silly humor (and Brits have Monty Python).
    Man, you don't even recognize when you have your stupid culture war discussions/jokes sessions anymore. Any forum on this planet is now infected by you people. Oh and by the way, there is no country on earth the French despise more than the USA. You know why? Because you have no culture and celebrate stupidity.

  20. #20
    Roma_Victrix's Avatar Call me Ishmael
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    Default Re: The issue with Gargokladioi

    Quote Originally Posted by bismarck 1899 View Post
    Man, you don't even recognize when you have your stupid culture war discussions/jokes sessions anymore. Any forum on this planet is now infected by you people. Oh and by the way, there is no country on earth the French despise more than the USA. You know why? Because you have no culture and celebrate stupidity.
    Nah ah!

    I mean yes, the French are snooty and they look down on everyone else who possesses inferior wine (aside from Italians), especially uncouth Americans who they have considered primitive backwater transcendentalists ever since Benjamin Franklin was sent as a diplomat to France.

    Aside from that oversimplification, I'm pretty sure most French people (or Germans for that matter) appreciate the fact that America is the unquestionable birthplace of things like jazz music, rock 'n' roll, and hip hop emanating from the African American community (metal is admittedly British in origin). As for comedy, no offense but most people don't think of Germany and would rather immediately think of various things emanating from the United States such as the very tradition of stand-up comedy itself, rooted in Vaudeville before maturing into the format we recognize today with legends like Lenny Bruce and Don Rickles, let alone George Carlin and Richard Pryor.

    I think the "culture wars" are silly (in an American context, that usually refers to left and right wing political spectrums fighting over often trivial things). In either case we're talking about the Gargokladioi here, so let's stay focused on that.

    Speaking of Gargokladioi, they look about as badass as they sound too! The EBII team did a great job in that department.

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