
Originally Posted by
-apocalypsis-
The blazing end of John the Crusader:
’Sire!’ The doorward came running into the throne room where the king and his captains were discussing the war effort with France (there was one castle which was especially difficult to siege, due to the experienced French taunters garrisoned there). ‘Sire! There is a man here that wishes to speak to thee. I have told him that thou arth not to be disturbed, but he wilt not budge – indeed he insists, he says, in the name of His Most Holy Popeness, that he must see the king at once.’
‘What can the old bugger want know?’ the king growled. ‘Do I not send him tribute every turn? Do I not keep my lands free of heretics and my regions at 98% or higher? Did I not go on a crusade when he called it of me – despite the fact that it was a pain in my royal ass? Do I not build churches and cathedrals in all my lands, so that my merchants have more piety than wits? What more can he want? Ah, well, send the old fart in.’
The doorward bowed, and left. Shortly thereafter he returned with a man with a most intriguing appearance. Upon his head, in which a gaunt face and a pair of wild eyes threatened to burst out, he had a large black hat, with a wide brim. ‘Howdy,’ the man said, then seemed bewildered, before he continued: ‘Erm, your majesty, I come on the authority of His Most Holy Pope, Innocent the Good – he hath declareth that thou arth Bad, for not being more pious (even though thou hath five points to piety, and am named the Crusader), and for not sending him a few dollar… erm, a few florins more, and therefore I have the Ugly, but satisfying job, of burning you till you are dead.’
‘Burn me? Arth thou mad?’
‘I would have to be, would I not, for coming here, into thine castle, surrounded by thine armies, and into this throne room, surrounded by the men of thine household, and in the presence of thine captains and their pointy blades, only armed with this stylish hat… oh, and this book, of course, which is quite heavy, and with which I will smite thine hatless head until thou arth unconscious – it wilt be easier tying thee to the stake that way, thou see?’
‘Yes… yes, I do think I see. This must be a gameplay device, then?’