The thread for horrible suggestions

[Roma_Victrix]

Hi everybody! While we're all waiting patiently for that orgasmic autumn release, I thought I'd tie us over by having a bit of fun and allowing EB II fans the opportunity to toss their mental and vocal filters into the trash bin and spout off every stupid idea they'd like to see realized in the next installment of EB II! Since I'm sure the EB team is tired of hearing bad ideas in general tossed their way on an average basis, let's try to compress all of them into one manageable location. The following is a small laundry list of items I would personally like to see in the next EB (hopefully the EB team will bow to my wisdom and foresight and consider editing everything at the last minute to include this stuff):

1) Every huge city settlement should look like Minas Tirith from the TATW mod, for long, arduous battle-map sieges that will almost never allow the enemy to expand.


2) Speaking of TATW, every faction should have the pop-up message option of being led by Aragorn as a high-powered general with special abilities. Also, you should have Orcs invading from the east.



3) The Romans, or alternatively the Ptolemaic Greeks, should be allowed to invent the steam turbine based on the aeolipile device created by Heron of Alexandria in the 1st century AD. This will be applied to steam-powered cannons as imagined by Archimedes, electrical power stations (who needs Benjamin Franklin or kite experiments first?), and marine propulsion with trireme-style steamships.



4) Speaking of Archimedes, the Greek factions should have other defensive siege weapons and inventions of his ready for use, including giant claws that can toss ships around and mirrors that can powerfully harness the rays of sunlight to set them on fire.



5) City walls look nice, but your settlements are generally underdeveloped, with no temple structures in the Greek cities at all, hardly any monumental architecture. You guys should put serious stock into the idea of placing a Dairy Queen or a White Castle burger joint on the acropolis of each Greek polis and Celtic oppidum. These buildings will help to reduce squalor and public discontent, while simultaneously enraging all the fans of your mod who desired to see better settlements (instead, this is the "improvement" you had to offer).




6) The first EB didn't include contemporary ancient Warring States, Qin and Han-dynasty Chinese stuff at all except for some ancillaries, but in EB II you should really consider expanding your map to include the whole world, so that the Romans can sail across the Atlantic and conquer the Epi-Olmecs (successors to the earlier Olmecs) residing in ancient Mexico. The Romans should also be able to sack and occupy ancient Teotihuacan in Mexico, or even ancient Chang'an (modern-day Xi'an, China) where the Terracotta Warriors were buried in the tomb of Qin Shihuang (China's first emperor):





7) You should have Greek cavalry units that employ the flying pegasus, so that the Greeks can counter the Roman steam turbine technology with aerial assaults. With a a few upgrades, each pegasus should be able to shoot deadly scorching blasts of Byzantine Greek fire from their nostrils. Now, some of you might say "whoa there, pal! Greek Fire? In 270 BC when the mod begins? It wasn't even invented yet." You're certainly right, but did you miss the part about the flying horse.



8) EB II needs the United Nations formation option, along with NATO and drone strikes against the Soviet Parthians, led by the righteous African warrior Barack Obama.



9) The soundtrack is great and everything, but you should consider replacing it all with a schizophrenic mixture of smooth, light jazz for the strat map and crushingly brutal death metal for the battle map. Might I suggest some Kenny G and Dying Fetus for the job?





10) There should be an alternative Bronze-Age Mycenaean campaign option to save Helen of Troy. In fact, your mod suffers from a total lack of damsels in distress that need saving. Where's the impetus for killing all these people going to come from, then?



Well, that's enough stupid for one day. I'll be back tomorrow, though!