[Diablo II AAR] The Misadventures of Diabolical Amazons

[Maltacus]

Episode 20. Vasted Vipers

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Welcome back to the now chilly and wind-swept tale where the main character is freezing her legs off while not being able to enjoy the cozy scenery of the snow-covered tundra yet. The worst of both worlds greet the eager visitors of the picturesque Bloody Foothills. For the moment without its most characteristic fauna, but the foul play of the native cats these days...

Further up the mountain are far friendlier creatures in need of rescuing from unfriendlier creatures. Any expressed similarities between the latter and certain other amazons are of course baseless and circumstantial nonsense.

If one does not wish to lay eyes upon the surroundings, one can join the endless legions of Mephistos disciples in an orgy of baseless hatred uniting the very world through various channels. Socializing is victimizing, war is peace and friends are foes and whatever else the elder brother of the Prime Evils would preach.

The tough-skinned Thresh Socket could withstand both cold and falling ice from avalanches. Two damage types resisted, four to go...

Rapunzel: Yes, yes, could we now get to the main and important points of this episode?

Maltatai: Certainly. Them being...?

Rapunzel: First and foremost: Nihlatak is a loser who is running out of vipers! He had none left to plague the Crystalline Passage or the Glacial Trail with this time! HAHAHA!

Maltatai: What a relief. I am sure every warrior character agrees with you that physically immune minotaurs are quite the vacation in comparison.

Rapunzel: They are PETTY DETAILS.

Maltatai: But of course. Especially when their captains could theoretically teleport next to you and smash your skulls in with one hit.

Rapunzel: Skulls?

Maltatai: Your green outer skull and your, just marginally less thick, inner skull.

Rapunzel: Ha. Ha. Bah. Those minotaurs are still single-immune enemies. Frail and weak. They just take a long time to take down. Like a corrupt bank with imbecile arguments when the court is sluggish with its proceedings.

Maltatai: I was rather expecting some kind of insolence directed against stupid environmental spokespeople, optionally self-proclaimed stupid environmental spokespeople. Or perhaps I should say stupid self-proclaimed environmental spokespeople, since it is less common that those or anyone raise any claim of being stupid, since that is an epithet most generously given and shared...

Rapunzel: What, because they are bullheaded thugs?

Maltatai: I was thinking more about the names of these bovine bosses, with "venom", jade" and "ooze" they seem to refer to poison-using grassroot greenery, just like master Oooze Horns dazzling green garb. Although some of the green or wannabe-green elements of the political debate are certainly aspiring to be bullheaded thugs unwilling to consider the arguments of opposing parties and conduct a debate in a fair and sensible manner.

Rapunzel: I feel that the conversation has drifted away from the main point. May I remind everyone once again that there were NO VIPERS present in those ice caves this time?

Maltatai: Was there another important point that you had in mind too?

Rapunzel: Yes, apart from the fact that there were no vipers about and Nihlatak is a wearied and worn out loser, how can I decide the best element!? I have gone through almost the whole range of infernal minions and I haven't got any idea of which to choose!

Maltatai: Yes, it is easy to understand how that would pose a bit of a problem, quite elementary, yes...

Rapunzel: "Elementary"? What an unbearably lame attempt of a pun.

Maltatai: You are absolutely right, I should have chosen my words more carefully. The proper description of your problem would probably be more in line with "rudimentary" instead. Or "miniscule". "Petty" perhaps.

Rapunzel: ...

Maltatai: Also please keep in mind that Nihlatak failed to send any vipers to ambush peaceful travelers in the ice caves.

Instead of the vipers, of which there were none, gangs of blue spearwomen and migrating flocks of carvers had moved in. All were highly sensitive to grassroot arguments, just like in Act I.

But the dry old Bonesaw Breaker would not fall so easily. As most undead he was resistant to poisons and could shrug off both cold and lightning damage as well. It was truly a good and sincere effort, worthy of recognition in the infernal chronicles. That is, until the dried old corpse caught fire. At least he tried to resist Rapunzel. But since there were no vipers present, what could he do?

Rapunzel: Well, thank you very much but I think that everyone will by now remember that there were no vipers present. Can we please return to the other issue?

Maltatai: Look, I am sure you will figure it out eventually. But if you feel lost, how about conjuring a committee of representative experts, duly balanced of course so that one perspective does not outweigh the other?

Rapunzel: Hm, it worked decently in the last chapter.

Maltatai: Except of course the Iron Woofs outrageous behavior.

Telash: I heard that!

Maltatai: Oh, dearest me, alas. What am I to do now?

Rapunzel: Thank you for coming...out of the air just when called for?

Ip: Yeah, ain't that funny?

Telash: No rest.

Floria: ...for the wicked.

Waheed: But we're cool with it. What's up, arbitress?

Rapunzel: Arbitress... Hm. I suppose that is a correct term but I have always operated under the designation of arbiter.

Floria: Then you can be the arbiter at work and Arbitress is your, like, free time cool title! All that is lacking is a theme melody too! And some concept club outfits.

Rapunzel: You have clearly done thorough field studies among the bowazons, dear amthropologist. I am in need of ideas. The time of decision is approaching and I know not what to pick. The final tests await, but I am completely undecided.

Telash: Well, that's a relief, isn't it?

Rapunzel: How so?

Telash: If you already had made up your mind, what would be the point of further testing? It would be pointless. Like the metaphorical pencil of the chronicler, one might add. Also, it's got to be better to enter into the last trials with an open and unbiased mind, right?

Rapunzel: I didn't think about it that way...thanks!

Waheed: You'll do fine, chill. And after all, at least with bowazons, you could kind of say that one of them is as crazy as the other, hehe.

Telash: Plus one to that, man. Have your spell memorizing sleep ruined by wailing screams or your ankles stepped on like it was a flayer aerobics class, pick your poison...

Ip: Only safe place from 'ammies at night is on top of 'em. No way around it. Just saying. Apart from the wailing thing, of course.

Floria: But ammy is "amulet"! Rosie, what a deluge of mis-namings you have unleashed upon the world...

Ip: Oh, yeah, right you are Floria. The "amulet"! Comfortable position, that one.

Floria: Huh?

Ip: Actually, that saves your ears too! Aren't you knowledgeable, or what? Spot on!

Floria: What, no, I...how did we end up discussing yours and Askungens...you hopeless barbarian!

Ip: I take that as a compliment. Besides, I can see you laughing at it too.

Rapunzel: Thank you for the input, everyone! I mean...response! Suggestiv...hrm, suggestions. Stop blushing and giggling, Floria! Let us move on to another subject, or indeed continue rapidly in the general direction, since I happened to encounter what must surely be Hells answer to red and blue bowazons!

However, I managed to avoid both blood star projectiles and going mad from the voices in my head. Some time after that, imagine what I found? Cool damage reduction! Some worm slithers up with an attitude, I will just say "chill out". And skewer the creep on my speartip.

Waheed: That's the spirit!

Rapunzel: And not only that, I visited the countess for Sol runes and ran into a unique flail! Sweet slowing overdoing! But I doubt I could squeeze it into my already overflowing collection of equipment. We'll see. In any case, with Larzuk socketing my chromatic bone shield of deflecting and Sol runes in it I felt ready to pin and skin Pindleskin. But from a safe distance of course so it wouldn't land on me and blow up in my face like Lysanders unstable concoctions.

Do you remember Cain's comment about his old Zakarumite zweethearts, full of feminine strength just like Anya, and absent-mindedly noting that they sure don't take chastity vows, as he'll have you know?

Ip: That is so funny. But not nearly as funny as telling Anya about it.

Rapunzel: In any case, I am sure I ran into one of Cains disgruntled exes down there. I am sure every Horadrim would feel both hot and cold at once after gazing upon her strong stature. She positively exploded in anger. Apparently Nihlatak was not nearly the man that Cain was and the frustration just kept building up...

I found a great small charm down there, no less than a serpents small charm of vita! 18 life and 15 mana from one spot, sweet!

The halls of anguish and pain did not stop me with stairtraps, and soon the halls of Vought awaited. I was well prepared with damage reduction gear.

Maltatai: Please settle down! Class in session. The tomb viper cloud attack: Contrary to what the graphics may indicate, the most critical part of the damage from the tomb vipers projectile is physical and not poison. The projectile they launch leaves a trail of invisible clouds that linger for a short time much like the amazons poison javelin. A character walking into such a trail of clouds will take 56 damage per hit cloud. This damage quickly amounts to enormous amounts. The safest action in this regard is standing still so you don't walk into more clouds, but that does of course expose you to charges and other attacks. Neither golems nor valkyries can endure more than seconds moving. The only true defense that negates the danger is integer damage reduction. Since the clouds hit many times but deal no more than 56 damage per hit, damage reduction approaching that keep a character safe.

Rapunzel: That is of course unless the enemy is reinforced by monsters that complement their abilities with huge poison damage, artillery, melee resilience and cursing...

Maltatai: I am sure you were prepared to face every eventuality eventually. But since this brings up the question of preparation, it would be an interesting and illuminating point of discussion to raise the question of what the other character classes do to prepare themselves for tough ordeals.

Telash: What does a necromancer do to keep in shape so he can keep raising the skeletons?

Others: ...

Telash: Deadlifts! Bwahahaha!

Ip: "Sigh" Alright, what would the paladins do, then?

Floria: Probably some kind of kneeling lunges like praying. But always with the back straight, since they are so stiff. How about the assassins?

Telash: All kinds of crawling to sneak up on mages and spy on us. Sneaky gits.

Waheed: They should need some rowing exercises to handle running with their back bent forward like that. But they are too absorbed with their focus on explosive leg training. A bit one-sided.

Floria: Only some of them. The others work on their traps' all the time!

Telash: Unbearable.

Waheed: What do the barbarians do?

Telash: Hm, interesting question.

Floria: Yes, that's a tricky one.

Ip: Sure, because none of you could ever think about asking me about it. Since I happen to be standing right here and stuff.

Telash: No, of course not.

Waheed: Stupid thought, really.

Floria: I think they would be doing lot's of shoulder training, because they always have a pair of shoulder pads even when they are practically unarmored otherwise. Also, they probably do a lot of clueless and oblivious shrugging.

Telash: Hehehe.

Waheed: Haha.

Ip: We also practice our throwing mastery all the time! Javelin throwing, catapult shot putting and throw with little rogue!

Floria: Weeeeeee!

Rapunzel: Order. May we return to the topic? It has also not escaped my attention that the chronicler deviated from the story in a most unbecoming way right at this high point of tension.

I was pressed back to the stairs but managed to secure the space. After that the rest was much easier apart from one thing. There was, on the right side of the stairs, an evil urn. It would surely spawn tomb vipers, landing on top of me. I decided to omit practical art critique from my visit and leave it be.

If you freeze the tomb vipers the valkyrie can approach them and once engaged in melee they are less likely to spit their clouds. Guided arrows aren't too bad either but I am not specialized enough in that skill to make it truly shine when it comes to damage. The homing ability still makes it a valuable skill but not so much in this situation.

It is important when approaching tomb vipers to not fall back too much so you risk running out of space, but you don't want them to overwhelm your valkyrie or similar advance guard with their clouds either. Decoys are recommended to be cast to the side to divert the missiles in another direction entirely. The vipers are most dangerous when they have melee monsters in support since that makes them more likely to hang back and fire their missiles instead of advancing, and of course also make sit more likely that the allies will stand in front of the vipers and block your missiles.

As I advanced further up towards the end of a corridor, this wannabe-necromancer were spitting out curses that echoed among the halls.

"May vipers spawn spontaneously from every urn when you return and charge you immediately to a bloody spot on the carpets!"

"May you and all of your kind be deleted from the hard drive forever!"

"May the legions of Mephisto fill your commentary fields and may your inboxes overflow with notifications of hateful nonsense!"

"May you misstep and misclick and blow up in an unglamorous corpse explosion!"

But I knew the territory by this time and did not let any ice spawn fall in front of me so they would pose as organic mines for the pesticide of the northlands. Besides, if you run away and raid another area for a time the corpses will disappear from the ground and you can proceed unhindered later. Very useful if the passageways get clogged by a dull-witted mob.

I threw my envenomed poisoned javelins and my valkyrie stood in his way. Ha! Nilly-willys withered viper waste bit the rotten dust of his sewer of a hall! FEAR RAPUNZEL! Vipers are worthless! Vipers are worthless!

Maltatai: The sublime and quiet subtlety and dignified stature of the arbiter did much to inspire confidence in her judgement.

Rapunzel: The arbiter would like to register its opinion that the chronicler is boring.

Maltatai: The chronicler objects.

Rapunzel: Objection overruled.

Maltatai: Overrulling overwritten.

Rapunzel: Overwriting reformatted.

Maltatai. Reformatting...defragmented? No, that would probably strengthen it. Anyways, now that there are no vipers present and we have concluded that the slime of the northlands has been put in his place you can continue with the last stretch of decision-making! Oh happy day! Oh joyous tidings!

Rapunzel: Uuuuh...right. "Sigh"

Maltatai: I have an idea. When protagonist characters need to improve their story-critical skills a lot but are too lazy to devote enough of the story to depict it they sometimes resort to making a montage of pictures or short sequences of video showing various scenes of their training. You could do something similar but have pictures of how you write complex tables with strong and weak points of all elements, review past notes of skill effectiveness, throw dices, pick petals off plucked flowers or however it is you work to evaluate.

Rapunzel: The arbiter would like to note that the first half of the suggestions of methods were sound and realistic but the rest is baseless nonsense. Besides, picking flowers is an un-ecological and wasteful un-necessity. Unless it is sunflowers or something of course, that you can harvest for the seeds. Stupid people in Maltatais hometown do by the way not seem to know this, and has left sunflower crops to rot most wastefully. Or maybe if you picked the flower to feed the rabbits in Act V.

Maltatai: And as everyone knows, one can not have a proper training montage without the proper soundtrack.

Rapunzel: Here it comes...

Maltatai: Among twinking players, there has been a widespread practice of using mules to carry the overgrown collections of items that they keep in store for new twinked characters.

Rapunzel: Yes, that is a most questionable use and misuse of poor mules. Askungen has many vehement things to say about the practise.

Maltatai: I believe this particular kind of mules has been able to cope with the workload... Anyway, the Swedish word for "mule" is "mula" and when speaking of something specific we add the letters "n" or "t" to the word instead of saying "the" before it, in this case "n". Led by this mule train of thought I have found some training montage background music to help you set your mind on the task. Courtesy of the mule, as mentioned.

Rapunzel:

Let's get down to business
To endure the puns
Are these the finest daughters
Of the amazons
They're the maddest bunch I ever met
But you can bet before we're through
Ladies, I'll cast my vote
Among you

Spinach of the forest
Fire from within
Lightning thinks it center
Cold is sure to win
You're all goldhaired, pale and lunatics
And I haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll pick the one
Out of you

Maltatai: I'm never gonna catch my breath
Telash: What a fitting time to sue him
Waheed: Chill out be cool unless you're in the gym
Ip: I must say I really wanna read the rest
Floria: Hope she makes it to be
Maltatai: Now the readers wish I really knew to sing

Rapunzel:

CHOOSE A SIDE
Cold that is swift as a coming winter
CHOOSE A SIDE
Sparks with the force of a great typhoon
CHOOSE A SIDE
With all the strength of a raging fire
Poisonous as the dark green of the bloom

Demons race toward me
'til the end arrives
I know the writers orders
And you won't survive
I wield six forms of the rage of war
So pack up, go home you're through
How could I fail to smash
Each of you

LET'S DECIDE
Shall I be cold as a wailing gale wind
LET'S DECIDE
Shall I charge bolts like a sorceress
LET'S DECIDE
Will you burn up in a raging fire
Or will you succumb to venom of the moon

THROUGH THE LAND
I travel swift as a coursing river
THROUGH THE LAND
I hunt the monsters from night to noon
THROUGH THE LAND
With vipers torn through in ways most dire
I-will-crush-the-ancients, I will be there soon...
Hoo-ah!

Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 19. Judgement Day

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Welcome to hell! Act IV is hell hell, the stuttering repetition. However, it is also used for the classical purpose of depositing the useless souls of unliked political opponents that you can attach the label "sinner", "heathen", "heretic", "lecherous lewd stiff person" and more to. It is really a garbage dumping enterprise of grotesque proportions - no wonder the locals and the perpetrators, heaven, do not see eye to eyes. The otherwise sound polluter-pays-principle is sadly absent. On the other hand, hells emissions of demonic invasion, natural and/or unnatural disasters and calamities, and last but not least the tabloid press would certainly be sufficient to offset any charges and debts incurred whatsoever. In fact, it seems to be high time to deposit even more human refuse on this waste-saturated dusty wastes. And to determine what pollutants to best poison the hellish ecosystem with, Rapunzel has been asked to - you would never have guessed - arbitrate. To aid her in the endeavours her unhired hireling friends are acting as rapporteurs and assistants preparing the case materials and drafting decision templates. Unfortunately the courthouse - the currently requisitioned Pandemonium Fortress - is besieged by an unrefined mob of easily swayed idiots.

With tact and precision, an arbiter can deliver swift comments on grassroot policy and environmental arguments regarding the garbage deposits resulting from the coming procedures without being caught up in pointless ooze-slinging argumentation on the mobs pathetic level.

While the rabid Ooze Fang is as fanatic as any agitator, the true driving will behind the riot is Steel Grumble, obviously a disgruntled United Metallurgy Troop activist, the argumentative shortcomings of his cadre being apparent to every onlooker due to the ominous acronym UMT, which truly says it all...

Telash: Now hold up there, my not so good at all sir! I formally protest against this baseless slander and unworthy smear campaign attempt against our noble unions!

Maltatai: Protest has been noted and archived. And also cleared in accordance with the latest personal information and cookie storage regulations.

Telash: Using data protection regulations ignorance and superstitions as an excuse for hiding and erasing embarrassing public information, that is so low! Such a cheap and lousy trick!

Maltatai: You are absolutely right. I shall instead fan the flames of citizen discontent by feeding your formalities to the hydras most honourably appearing to the arbiters aid. That is right - hydras! The best spell ever because it SUMMONS DRAGONS that aid your cause! No doubt the arbiters previous noble actions against the monster leader pests (= "Dragon Killer") has rewarded her with these awesome and wondrous allies.

Hydrahead 1: Strike now while the iron is hot!

Hydrahead 2: Flame their discussion forums!

Hydrahead 3: Let's lighten up the mood!

Maltatai: Since the hydras will put the opposition firmly in their place, which is running in terror from them or withering into piles of ash beneath them, the chronicler can take the opportunity to delve into the general rules of this arbitration. Now, the heavens appear to work as a snooty social club admitting some souls that they like to be associated with and shutting the rest out, while the hells are all-including and embraces every newcomer with open and spike-brimming arms. Rapunzels objectives differ somewhat but all her cases seem to center on whether or not an individual has displayed some sort of character flaw, which would presumably then be taken as a sign that he or she should or should not be admitted into the SSC (snooty social club).

Both flesh spawners and venom lords are by the way large enough to absorb many bolts from a charged strike, which makes the skill much more useful as long as the target is not immune.

Hydrahead 1: Habacalvas hearth heats heartfelt halo hydras!

Hydrahead 2: Voluptuous valkyries validate vehement volcanic velocity!

Hydrahead 3: Searing sorcery summons sublime sulphurous sanctity!

Maltatai: As apparent, the hydras were still enthusiastic if somewhat cryptic allies.

Maltacus: The first case blew by rather quickly, like the warm breath of the venom lords, and indeed conjuring a heatedly delivered ruling by the arbiter.

Ip: The case of Og of the Unnamed Peat Bog versus Kaer Morhen.

Kaer Morhen, being the head quarters of an order of monster-hunting warrior-sorcerers somewhat resembling a commercialised version of the paladins of Sanctuary, has recently abducted by force the son of Og. Kaer Morhen claim that its representative defended Og against various monstrous assailants and asked as payment "the first thing that you lay eyes upon when returning home" which Og agreed upon. Kaer Morhen and Og agrees that Ogs son was what Og first saw when returning home as he ha come out to greet them and was worried about Og, but the opinions of the respective parties differ regarding whether Ogs son meets the specifications of the agreed reward and...

Rapunzel: ...and that will be all! The court would like to underline that in order to qualify for a thing that may be given as a reward in accordance with the hereby invoked "law of surprise", or indeed any other law or treaty, some minimum criteria need to be met. First, the "something" that you see must be an item that is possible to give. Secondly it must be the rewarders to give, thus possible to own at all and not owned by anyone but the rewarder, unless the rewarder would obtain the permission from other partial owners of the item in question.

The court further notes that in this particular case the thing in question is indeed not an item but a person and therefore disqualifies as a possible reward by that alone. The court furthermore acknowledges that even if Og would have been considered an "owner" of his son in the manner of a slave trader owning a slave, or the transaction be reinterpreted as a transfer of custody of a child, Og alone was not free to offer that, as Ogs wife had not ratified the agreement. The court would like to add that the treatment of systematically abducted youths in Kaer Morhen - alchemical experiments with staggering fatality rates - also makes any claims of honestly taking up the mantle of legal custody of any child dubious at best.

The court consequently advocate the immediate return of Ogs son to his parents, upon which Kaer Morhen shall receive the shirt of Ogs son, which is likeliest to have been the first actual item that Og laid eyes upon when returning home. The court would also like to express its vehement disgust at the practices of Kaer Morhen and similar facilities.

Maltatai: After taking out some of her accumulated disgust on the double-agent Izual the arbiter let the fallen angel hover away with a warning. After all, violators of celestial company secrets agreements were far from the foulest fish in the sea.

Not only in hell are wide ranged conflicts raging! And not only arbiters are in the eye of the storm but apparently some demon demagogues sit tranquil and observe the whirling coming and goings of the outside world...until troublesome noisemakers from outside appear to disturb their contemplation.

There is a labour union disagreement, involving dead parties on both sides, that had assumed galactic proportions and arbitration was duly called for. Apparently some galactic imperial state far, far away constructed a prestigious overcompensating warship installation a long time ago to show off their superiority, whatever and so on... It was just a thing, the equally predictable opposing party managed to destroy the whole thing. The unliked outcome has thus raised the question of whether or not the design was inherently flawed and if the esteemed imperial staff designing it all actually made a blunder as clumsy as it is stupid? May the arguments be with you, for here were presented...

Waheed: The case of The Space Architects Union versus Palpatine.

The background is as follows. The Space Architects Union, from now on called the Union, has been charged with representing the architects and engineers, all deceased, subjected to what they see as slander and baseless accusations by their former emperor, also deceased. The Unions members did as mentioned construct a mostly spherical Ominous Doomsday Device, ODD. The odd ODD can of course always be sabotaged and blown up by a daring raid by the opposing party but in this case the main weakness exploited was the odd exhaust port used by the opposing party to fire an explosive projectile into the vulnerable heart of the ODD...

Rapunzel: First, the court arbitrarily decides to comment that the actual use and circumstances related to the loss of the ODD have not been shared with the court in accordance with an agreed upon discretionary clause and is not the subject of this ruling. The court does as a general rule however not endorse the common uses of ODDs involving but not limited to intimidation, extortion, mass devastation, planeticidal war crimes and abuse of orchestral volume controls.

As to the core of the question, the court has concluded, from the technical evidence presented, that any vessel of comparable firepower would generate truly hellish amounts of heat when powering up and firing. It does in fact strikes the court as somewhat surprising that the exhaust port in question did not have to be larger. The court furthermore notes that the close range defensive turrets in the area were too few to counter the threat of small enemy vessels, which is a serious flaw but does not affect the main question laid before the court regarding the mentioned exhaust port.

However, the court would like to point out that when the ODD exploded, it had begun its firing sequence and massive amounts of heat would have been needed to vent out. Therefore, said exhaust port would have been presenting a constant and quite powerful air flow out, which should under normal circumstances be quite sufficient to stop or at least disrupt an incoming projectile and possibly even blow the small enemy vessels off course. In the event, the projectile was not only undeterred by the exhaust, it veered 90 degrees in the shaft without detonating and continued towards the ODD core where it caused a devastating explosion. This illogical manoeuvring can not be attributed to, or explained by, common physics. One is thereby left with magical alternative explanations.

In this regard the court notes that the Union has presented certain circumstantial evidence regarding the alleged family ties and/or nepotism between the imperial supreme black knight warlock and the captain of the small enemy vessel firing the fatal shot. The court does however conclude that even the conclusion that the shot can not be explained by conventional physics is sufficient to clear the Union of all charges and order their immediate expulsion from hell and transfer to the pot plant-watering committees of heaven, whereas Palpatine is free to take a up a vacancy as trainee in the Hellforge to further his metallurgical and pyrotechnical knowledge.

Maltatai: To reach the new workplace, his imperial forcefulness would have to pass through the city of the damned and descend into the scary dark abyss below...one that was guarded by a huge group of abyss knights. Bombarding the newcomers like campers in a first person shooter multiplay, they made life difficult indeed and Rapunzel had to take care not to stray too far away from the stairs in the other direction lest she alert some other pack.

Floria: Down once more to the dungeon of the black abyss, down we plunge to the next case on the list! Down once more to the bloody Phantom Case!

Why, we ask, would he be chained in this hot abysmal place? Was there any mortal's sin but the wickedness of his abhorrent face?

Maltatai: Floria being her musical self as you can hear...

Rapunzel: Thank you, Floria! The basic spoken facts would be just fine.

Maltatai: Actually, this brings to mind one very famous Swedish verdict in a criminal case regarding a severe violation of traffic regulations. The perpetrator was a woman of peculiar habits who apparently made a lasting cultural impression on the court so that the judge wrote the verdict as a poetic verse with rhymes and all. Not too bad linguistically, but not an impressive juridical piece for it is far too short and lacks information about the legal grounds. He should have included proper references to that so that the prosecutor and defence could easily follow the reasoning. Those things should never be neglected even if the case may be simple!

Rapunzel: Not helping.

Floria: The Phantom Case. O.G. versus the Angiris Council.

The applicant who goes by the pseudonym of O.G. - The Opera Ghost - has requested a seat on the ruling body of the heavens, the Angiris Council. It consists of several archangels that each represents a specific field or trait, each a one-angel department to put it in context as a true amthropologist would. The council does however lack any specific set of procedural rules and can from a legal point of view be compared to a social club with strict if also unspoken conditions for membership. The Angiris Council currently lacks an angel of music and it is this vacant position that O.G. has applied to. Some other angels have called into question the character and personal qualifications of O.G. and submitted the case to this court. The questions arise foremost over the alleged murders of at least three persons.

Rapunzel: The court will review the known facts of each murder one at a time. The circumstances of the first case can be summarized as follows. O.G., by then not the O.G. and very young, was being kept prisoner in a circus and locked in a cage only let out to to be exhibited to the audience and mocked and insulted for his disfigured face. This abuse was allegedly kept up mainly by the director of the circus - name unknown - and the director was also instrumental in keeping O.G. imprisoned. In the instance, O.G. reached out between the bars of his cage and strangled the director after which he used the directors keys to unlock the cage and hide. Eventually O.G. took refuge in the underground levels of an opera house which he gradually began a hostile takeover of. The court has, from the somewhat vague details presented, concluded that the murder, while not in a direct defence against an attack, was motivated by the mistreatment and evil deeds of O.G:s captor and that O.G. had few other means of ridding himself of the abuse. O.G. thus had a cause for war against the director. Furthermore, the heavens have taken an exceedingly liberal view of brutal murders as long as they are directed at demons and creatures equally disregarded and the director would in the courts view compare to such in the hooded eyes of the heavens. The court does therefore rule that the first murder case does not impede the acceptance of O.G. as Angel of Music of the Angiris Council.

It is however the other cases that the court find more questionable. The second case occurred when O.G. had been the O.G. for quite some time. After having poisoned and inconvenienced the main singer as a means of extortion O.G. was pursuing, or being initially pursued by, one of the scene operators, one Joseph Boquet. Boquet was later found hung by a rope from the structure above the curtains. The third case occurred during the closing performance of O.G. and the opera as a whole where O.G. struck down Ubaldo Piangi, the lead male singer, and took his place in the ensemble. In neither of these cases were the life or health of O.G. threatened by these two individuals, whose offences appear to have been limited to crude parodying and being a general buffoon, and arbitrary arrogance and puffed up behaviour, respectively. Furthermore, the court notes that both murders were part of a campaign of intimidation and extortion directed against the management of the opera with the aim of ensuring that a certain singer sponsored and supported by O.G. would be given lead roles. In addition, the court is of the opinion that the manipulative manner in which O.G. pursued the affections of named singer constitutes a severe violation and betrayal of the trust placed by her in O.G. and conduct unbecoming of a music teacher. The court therefore rules that the second and third murder cases should be regarded as grounds for rejecting O.G:s application as Angel of Music of the Angiris Council, and recommend that he shall not be allowed to come within two leagues or eight floors distance of the archangel Auriel.

Maltatai: The court added on a sidenote that neither should Hephasto the Armorer be allowed to come within one screen of the arbiter herself, speaking of restraining orders.

The hammering hothead was blessed with an aura of cold that made it especially hard to escape him as well as his curses. No valkyrie or decoy could stand up to him for long and he chased Rapunzel across the River of Flames coastlines. Only after Rapunzel had made a swift dash around a bridge and doubled back. Then Rapunzel could snipe the enemy from across the river.

Perhaps the smithing smiting super-smurfs bullheadedness was influenced by the cows of the cow level, which obviously nest near the Hellforge. Their tokens and subtle signs are easy identifiers.

Someone else that should be smashed on the anvil is a certain Duncan.

Telash: The case of Duncan versus Jory:

Look ye all upon this deed, so infamous and cowardly it will make good men and women retch! Is this man presented before you possible to even considered for admittance to heaven, or shall he be cast down into the burning pits of the nether levels! We must gaze with stern and piercing eyes upon the circumstances surrounding the day when Duncan, now deceased, of the grey wardens struck down Ser Jory. Also deceased.

Rapunzel: Has the assistant not been informed of Maltatais profound dislike of processes where prosecutors appeal to the emotions of the judge with blustering speeches instead of focusing on the facts?

Telash: Of course I have! Why do you think I am doing it in the first place?

In a far off land there was a continent where feudal lords leeched on the work of oppressed peasants until they were interrupted by an invasion of undead and demonic archetypical types, colloquially known as darkspawn. That gave rise to the organisation known as the grey wardens, to which Duncan belonged and Jory aspired to join. The grey wardens operated as an effectively extra-judicial paramilitary group, in that they waged war upon darkspawn but not humans and other more allied creatures.

Duncan had gathered Ser Jory and a few other recruits for the grey wardens and sent them off to hunt minor darkspawn and similar mundane initiation quests. He had then ordered another recruit to drink a concoction of darkspawn blood and other things which would make the consumer immune to darkspawn taint - the grey wardens specialty - but over time also slowly kill the drinker. This ritual proved to be associated with fatal risks when the recruit died an agonizing death. Duncan then attempted to force Ser Jory to drink, who hesitated, and then stabbed him to death.

Rapunzel: Objectively, the facts appear to be strongly against Duncan. However, the courts focus lies instead on the arguments presented in his defence. Duncan has argued that while he did indeed kill Jory he was justified in doing so for a number of reasons, which the court will examine one by one.

Duncan has first argued that he was justified by acting in acute self defence as Jory reached for his sword when Duncan approached him. However, the court does not agree with this view of the event. Duncan was supported by two other wardens, one other recruit and one an initiated veteran. He was in all effects in control of the situation and had also not even attempted to reason with Jory, step back or in any other way defuse the situation. Nor did Duncan attempt to overpower Jory in a non-lethal way before he had drawn his sword - something that would have been less dangerous than usual thanks to the over-dimensioned plate armour both were wearing - or make a crippling but non-fatal attack with his blade, but stabbed him with the clear intent of killing Jory.

Secondly, Duncan has argued that killing Jory was necessary to protect the grey wardens organisation and secrets. This is a hypothesis that the court can not confirm. For the proceedings, the court accepts the fact that Duncan in the moment was convinced of this, which is what matters in terms of determining his actions conformity with the moral standards upheld by the high heavens. In regard to this, the court would like to point out that it does not share the underlying evaluation that the survival of an organisation in its present state, or its ability to function, can justify what would otherwise have been outright murder. An organisation of people can morally act as a whole to protect the interest of its members to the same extent that the members themselves could. Since Jory had not declared war on the grey wardens or in any way attacked them, no member was under such threat as could justify lethal violence. Therefore the organisation as a whole had no cause for that either.

Thirdly, the somewhat circumstantial defence has been presented that Jory deserved to die in any case because he was a weak and cowardly fool. The court would like to make it quite clear that it does dismiss this retching argument on every possible point. To start with, Jory was a competent and motivated knight, while lacking in practical experience. He was appalled by the practises of the grey wardens themselves, not by the prospect of battling the darkspawn. Furthermore, weakness and cowardice in itself should elicit pity rather than disgust, lest one seeks to attain the level of humanity of said darkspawn themselves.

Lastly, Duncan has argued the point that as he had conscripted Jory in accordance with the local laws he was equally justified to execute him. Regarding this, the court sees fit to voice three major objections. First and foremost, executing Jory would by definition mean that Jory was defenceless and posed no threat, thus as previously mentioned damning Duncans actions. Furthermore, conscription may be morally justifiable in a situation where it is part of a wider agreement between state and citizen, for instance a town which all inhabitants may swear to help defend or be free to choose to leave. In the case of the grey wardens, though, there was neither such a choice possible nor were the implications presented in a fair and open manner to those making a choice. Lastly, the grey wardens operated backed by states lacking in democratic rule, basic levels of justice and all in all effectively allowing said wardens to enslave whoever they choose and subject them to torturous rituals. This context does in no way excuse or mitigate Duncans behaviour - if anything, his collaboration with such oppressive entities and participation in the enforcing of such repulsive laws is cause for grave hesitation and most serious consideration.

The court does hereby judge the defences put forth by Duncan insufficient to exempt him from the most damning damnation and exclusion from the high heavens. The court would like to underline the fundamental fact that one is perfectly free to sacrifice ones own soul and sanity to save ones world from dire demonic incursions, but not those of others.

Telash: Down with the oppressive workforce management! May they be forced to do community service as underpaid secretaries to the Grand Vizier 2.0 of Chaos! Perhaps related to Drognan?

Maltatai: After a long day at work even the most dedicated arbiter will need to unwind and relax. And what better choice of recreation are there in hell than an infernal and immoral concert of morally degrading music? Hellish specialties, after all.

But the way to the goal is long and covered with many obstacles. First ther eis the matter of procuring tickets, and old crooks like the thief Lord de Seis will of course have bought all the tickets to sell them for extortionate and ludicrous sums on the black market, which is most of hell since the ground is pretty much only black dust and stone.

Having overcome that first hindrance a stupefying wait awaits as annoying fore bands seem to make time stretch forever, as if all the world slowed down from a slowing freezing aura. When will it ever end, so we can all get on with it to the real thing that we came to see?

Finally! The main attraction, poster name of Sanctuary and without any doubt most metal of the Prime and Lesser Evils! Although Andariel could probably have come a long way if she sang "Poison" instead of that insulting dance junk just to annoy Rapunzel...

Rapunzel: Shut it. Let's rock!

Diablo: NOT EVEN DEAF CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME!

Rapunzel: That's the spirit! That's what I call sound sound quality! There are no shortcuts to the perfect sound!

Maltatai: Actually it is "not even death can..."...ah, whatever....

So, what is proper soundtrack for a spectral arbiter and fiery demon lord?

Let's consider the facts. Here we have an arbiter with a Chromatic Bone Shield of Deflecting, coloured in the spectral resistances deep purple... There we have outrageous amounts of leftover ice and frost from her freezing arrows and enemy unholy freeze vaporized by diabolical pyrotechnics...



Diablo:

This is my Sanctuary
On this lake of fires shoreline
The classic gothic look cathedral
It wins out every time
Screw Duriel and the others
This is the best place around
Some stupid dare intrude here?
I'll burn her soul to the ground

Smoke from the water, fire in the sky
Smoke from the water

She burned down the little maid
Who died with an anguished sound
The maggot lard was turning insides out
Spilling worms on the ground
Nailed my elder brother
Who'd stayed inside his murky place
But borrowed time is running out
It seems like she has lost the race

Ripped, burned and stamped on, unrivalled is my thigh*
Ripped, burned and stamped on

Let the skies be raining fire
Let the seas become as blood
Let the angels miss every stone thing just outside
Spread our corruption there
With a few red lights and a few good swats
With flames enough to sweat
Not even death, will save you from me
Your deeds we'll never forget

Blood runs like water, from Ammys that will cry
Blood runs like water

*Take o look at the game cinematic at the end of Act III. Diablo, after assuming his proper form, is both fitter than ever as well as most swaggeringly and obviously posing to make his brothers jealous. Since he has both achieved excellent physical shape as well as inner balance (= finding and becoming his true self) Diablo is obviously the penultimate role model of any modern health and fitness magazine.

Rapunzel: For the last time, "Ammy" is "Amulet" not "Amazon"! Why did people even begin to mix them up?

Maltatai: It has been said for years and years but still these demons don't get it. Corrupting intrigues and power games are so obsolete. The way to sway the souls of Sanctuary is rock music. End of story. And end of chapter. Over and out.

[Alwyn]

Welcome back! I'm enjoying the playfulness and good humour of your writing.

[Maltacus]

Episode 21. Endgame

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: The end is near.

On a rocky peak rusted statues glance around, checking their petrified armament. Immunity, resistance, mobility, the ancients muster against their enemy.

Inside the mountain, Baal is calling up his last reserves. The most resilient of
captains have been spread out, capable of tanking any cookie cutter blizzard sorceress, nova necromancer or fanatic zealot.

Rapunzel: Bring it on.



Maltatai: In The Infernal Pit dwells a vampire of dreadful vengefulness. Safer to have alive and undying than dying, in fact. Resistant and regenerating, it is still no match for envenomed javelins, but the caster will need to keep her distance while the poison works to avoid a too close encounter with its final act of revenge.

Taking valuable lessons from the failures in Act II Rapunzel wastes no time and momentum in clearing the rest of the Ancients Way after finding the path up to the summit. All her energy will be brought to bear against the repulsive and condescending wise guys.

Floria: Stop! Hold up there!

Törnrosa: What is the meaning of this, Floria? What have you summoned us to see?

Rödluvan: Hey! What a viewscreen... HOLY COW KINGS! WHAT'S SHE DOING!?

Floria: Just, please take your seats everybody!

Snövit: Those are Hell ancients and she is all alone up there!

Askungen: She does have a valkyrie, though. And a practical shield, for that matter. Less cumbersome than our tower shields.

Törnrosa: Floria, explain yourself. What is this about and by the light what is our holy arbiter doing on the Arreat Summit?

Floria: Ehm...field testing? And this is as Rödluvan has observed a viewscreen, very wide to accommodate the whole audience. The latest application of the inner sight of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye. And lots of pillows that I have gathered from my secret stash in the Arcane Sanctuary.

Rödluvan: Wait, are we going to sit here watching other peoples athletic exercises on a wide screen and shouting useless unheard advice to our team like a bunch of dimwit hooligans?

Floria: ...yes?

Rödluvan: Well, fine. Are we then supposed to have these kinds of stupid scarves with the team colour pattern that we don't need to wear in the warmth but carry anyway?

Snövit: WHY is she up there?

Askungen: Schhh! It's starting, I think.

Rödluvan: Raise the volume, Telash. More power to the speakers!



...before you enter, unworthy mortal, you must defeat us! Know that we have meditated on thy unworthy antics and have prepared such a defense as you could never imagine. Each of us is specialized to counter your primitive tactics and soon your insolence shall be duly punished. For our armament is blessed by holy Tyrael to resist all such lowly and worldly blasphemers as yourself who dare question the dictates of thy betters!

Rapunzel: Resistance is futile.



Snövit: Quivering quivers, she is fast! They are falling behind in no time!

Törnrosa: Jab that heretic! Sacrilegious heathens who refuse to accept the lightning light!

Rödluvan: Slugs! Haha! Slowed, or just scared stiff by that hideous mask.

Snövit: Look, guided arrows, sweet! No stone skin defense rating is a match for them!

Askungen: That is poison damage. But short. Really short.

Floria: It's alright. It's supposed to be that way.

Askungen: Wait...that means she managed to construct a treacherous armor as well! What has Rapunzel been up to?

Floria: Booby trap.

Askungen: What?

Floria: It is set in a breastplate, so that makes the treacherous armor a booby trap. Apparently.

Askungen: Eeeeeh...

Rödluvan and Snövit: Hahahahahaha!

Maltatai: Far from the squabbling delegates of the audience, the arbiter herself has breached the gates of the Worldstone Keep. Once more into the breach, dear demons, once more! Conjure all the immunity you can master and it shall be of no avail. Gather what dread enchantments there could be and see them wasted on a foe that can outrun and outrange you all.

A blood lord with a dual element explosion amplified by a curse. Could prove quite a trap for the unfortunate melee range enemy or spellcaster that were forced to forgo her dual tree spells. Or it may wither away in a forgotten corner, inevitably corroding into spinach sludge.

With the waypoint of the Worldstone Keep secured, the arbiter returns to clear out the Ancients Way without hurry. Puny spike fiends and other insignificant opponents fall with ease but the Icy Cellar is well defended by the Vile Thorn, or to use the full title - The Vile Thorn In The Foot Of Every Elemental Mage And Ranged Opponent. Catching and chilling the enemy is his specialty and toughness against the elements together with multiple damage attacks completes it all. Alas, he has discounted poison and physical damage and despite a prepared stairtrap Vile Thorns career lasts but a while.

The abominable snow apes have complemented their melee capabilities with ranged support from witches and gloams. Excellent tactical thinking! Rapunzel is shouting out encouragements as she sets the lot on fire with exploding arrows and covers the cellar in venomous javelin trails. Not only that, but the tactical advisor to Snapchip Shatter has gone out of its way to resist Amazon attackers. Both physical and magical attacks has it warded itself against, and is immune to the elements of javazons, forcing the foe to pick up a bow and expose herself, or come forth to fight it in melee. Unfortunately, the defenses are not enough to stand against the fires of Kuko Shakaku when immolation arrows prevent its healing and the hungry Gray Crawler must hunger for revenge. Its colleague tries a different approach and intends to drain and weaken the foe as much as possible, but flames consume them all. The arbiters eyes glow with red insanity and it is surely obvious that she is fantasizing about raising an entire army of fire-throwing catapults or similar contraptions.

Charming, stylish and quick, Blood Raven would make a better ally than enemy but with such a primitive narrative there is no way to bribe her over, not even with Andariel dead and gone. Or does she simply despise Kashya so much that all arguments fall on deaf ears? Possibly deaf already from the earful of lectures delivered by the rogue captain, as Snövit can attest to. Certainly, now that the quest is completed it is imperative to avoid Kashya to also avoid having a hireling tossed on you, but then again this comes rather naturally once you've got to know her anyway.

I have always liked Bonebreaker, quite irrationally. He is a stylish figure and has never been so troublesome as for example Icehawk Riftwing whom I despise totally. Bonebreaker was quite dangerous to face in close combat. What a pity for those primitive savages that are still stuck in the stone age and have not yet discovered the arts of archery or javelin throwing. Bonebreaker has laid a nasty trap though, a teleporting bomb in undeads clothes, but Rapunzel manages to avoid it. It was far less resilient than the dreadful blood lord next to Mephisto, however, and the terrain of the crypt and mausoleum is far better. Rapunzel found a sweet little sapphire small charm of balance there.

And now immediately back to the studio...sofas! Rapunzel has summoned all the others to gather and hear her judgment. The Whatever-the-Clock News will of course cover the breaking story. Onward!



Rapunzel: The court, with its one member, has convened and finished its evaluation of the respective elements and their representing skills. The court does first and foremost conclude that the champions of the respective elements are...silly.

Snövit, Rödluvan, Askungen and Törnrosa: !!!!

Rapunzel: This contest began following a boring attempt by Törnrosa to create chaos and dissent among the other three so that she could swoop down on her jewelry-based angelic wings and take command of each and every thing. This obnoxious and outrageous idea was however evidently not seriously meant, judging by the amateurishness of the chosen method.

Törnrosa: "Shocked look"

Rapunzel: Tossing a gilded fruit with an inscription to a group of bickering amazons can hardly be considered worse than a simple prank. Not without some elegance in its simplicity, but simple and fairly harmless in itself.

Törnrosa: I...it...

Floria: "Turns red from frantically trying to keep herself from bursting out laughing"

Rapunzel: The arbiter notes that this somewhat petty jest none the less awakened such immature rivalry among the three recipients that external arbitration was eventually called upon. As opposed to, for example, simply concluding that each element had its uses and charms (grand, large and small) and let it be each to their own taste.

Snövit, Rödluvan and Askungen: Hrm...

Rapunzel: Consequently, I have made a thorough and exhaustive research and evaluation of the respective representative skills and their represented element. Thus sayeth arbitrarily the court:

From the grassroots dedication and will to improve their lot, all our ideas grow. From the loyal commitment to due procedure and basics of conduct do our petty squabbles cease to evolve into riots between loose confederations of warring tribes...at least most of the time. By caring for the world we live in and of, we display a minimum of sensibility. Those that hunt for sport shall learn to fear our arrows. Those that poison our lands shall rot and wither from our vengeful, relentless and envenomed javelins! Conjure the greatest fire enchantment trap the world has ever seen and see it fall apart screens from its intended victim. Summon the strongest brute or the greatest mage and they shall all see but a glimpse of us before they choke on our spears as we fall back again beyond their sight and grasp! No other element can rival the damage per hit or stop the foe from healing over such time as the treacherous envenomed grassroot spinach poison javelins!

See your insufficient resistances count for nothing and your feeble fire trap explode well out of range, you stairtrapping abominable assailant!

Stand still when the amazons so command!

What else than the freezing cold of our beloved mountains will let a lone amazon halt an army with a cracked short bow? When our bows are drawn we are in control, and the battlefield belongs to us for the enemy advances only if we allow it. When undead minions have melted into the ground and demons frozen on the spot, we liberally do whatever we like. Long live the prerogative to stay up as long as we like and hallowed be the exchange of ideas and thoughts without constraining dogmas and prejudice! Forever banished shall be the oppressive ancients and the censoring social media mob. By securing the gilded means to put our will into practice we make all else possible and ensure the prosperity of our kind. And when the strongest foe stops in its tracks, fending off demonic incursions turns into a profitable venture. Minions of destruction are a statue park and de Seis doom knights are pieces of furniture! If hell has not frozen over yet it is but a matter of time for winter is coming! Look busy.



They have said it is the weakest. They have said there are too many foes immune to its touch. They have then shivered before the lightning of the gloam and the spells of the oblivion knight and their valkyries have withered from the poisoned touch of the mummy after standing fast against anything else. Bring forth any endless droves of pitiful fallen ones or clumsy balrogs to support that flawed argument, for the burning remains of the foes that truly matter speaks otherwise. Name another element that combines the quick strikes of the exploding arrows while at the same time dealing constant damage by immolation, ever being so readily available from items. From the smallest charms to the greatest enchantment, every single spark is carried by the solidarity of the exploding arrow. Together we raise our potions and toast our unity! All for flames and flames for all! All (friends) stand as one and all (enemies) shall burn!

Especially you, foul champion burning souls!

As amazing as cold, fire and poisons are, they remain elemental attacks. But when lightning strikes from heaven, or a celestial (self-)righteous champion, it is a force of nature to be beholden with awe (own) and dread (others). Overcharge the enemy experimentals and prime evils alike and nothing shall escape our wrath! The bigger they are, the harder we stab. We are not an incompetent mob, we are illuminated and we act with skill and intelligence. What good could we do without our wits? Honour to every servant of the public that strives to excel and improve, and caps, helmets, crown and circlets off to the smart and sensible development of administration of policy, of course not to be confused with the policy of administration. Act bosses lie in broken piles of ashes and dust before my crackling spear tip. Vengeful like a towering gold-plated titan of the tower cities are indeed the lightning bolt hurled by the Titans Revenge in my hand! A wiser heretic would have started running by now...

Like Achmel the Cursed and Bugged, who kept regenerating despite being struck by me when wearing Blackhorns face. Poison he could resist and the fiery arrows were not enough. When all else had failed, I raised my shield and charged with charged strikes charging.

Doom knights joined the assailants and burning souls, but fell easily to cold archery and lightning bolts. Following the unraveled unraveler came a thoroughly prepared Bartuc, magic resistant, spectral hitting and cold enchanted. Hiding behind a corner, I let my envenomed javelins work while his hydras roared in insignificance. Venom lords rushed against my valkyrie and stood frozen on the spot the moment after. They shattered and melted as lightning bolts struck the stragglers.

Forth charged lastly Lister the Tormentor, as prepared as anyone could be. Spectral hitting and magic resistant, his fanaticism in resisting the elements was obvious. Immune to cold and fire, and nearly impervious to poisons and lightning, he rushed ahead of his guard and smote the valkyries before him. Greatest of minions, he had still not countered the most fundamental of Amazon tactics - running away and shooting shining white arrows at a slower pursuer. Mired by my gloves and mask and distracted by decoys and peaceful valkyries appearing now and then, the hunt was not successful despite the elemental shielding.

Let at last not the little things go unmentioned. Magic Arrow, our salvation in a world of empty quivers. Guided Arrow, catcher of ancients and sniper signature skill. The noble art of jabbing and stabbing, our refined and subtle table manners when we hunger for stolen life and mana. Across lines of fire do we dance and beneath the gentle shade of enemy volleys do we make battle, slowed to a crawl as all such missiles are when we so will it.

Forced to pick only one element, I care not at what level you set taxes, nor if a complete idiot administers the chosen policy, but I WILL have that policy determined properly, and elected rulers WILL respect their constituents will, whether it the greatest wisdom or the palace security measures of Lut Gholein. First among my attacks stands the envenomed javelin and completing the boo...treacherous breast plate is my most game-changing achievement.
Of all the elements, I judge poison to be the greatest and thus declare Askungen victor of the silly contest. I call upon the audience to make note of the irony in that the competition provoked by Törnrosa has resulted in the victory of her ideological polar opposite.

Askungen: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Snövit: Eh, well, poison damage has its uses...

Rödluvan: And treacherous armor is neat, as I know from experience. I wonder if you could put the runes in a dress or something too, and if you tickle the wearer and every tickle counts as an attack the dress becomes transparent? What a great prank! That would be the present of the year!

Askungen: That is so inappropriate.

Snövit: I think not. Just imagine the money you could make on something like that...

Askungen: AHA! The state and the capital remains in the same boat still I see. Utterly appaling.

Törnrosa: Fair arbiter! Will you now render thy judgement on another most important matter?

Rapunzel: What might that be?

Törnrosa: Which is the most dangerous, and thereby justifiably most dreadful - the pathetic spiders or the terrible and lethal snakes?

Floria: Not this again...this is so embarrassing.

Askungen: Spiders, obviously! They are spinning their World Wide Web around us all even as we speak! The net will trap everyone in it! They even nest in Maltatais garden and he, the fool, is oblivious of the danger!

Rapunzel: Neither. The question is based on the faulty presumption that either could in and of itself be the greatest of terrors, but while I wholeheartedly detest vipers I must conclude that they are by themselves not worthy of the boundless terror they inspire. The great danger with vipers derive from our carelessness when facing them. It was my own premature advance into the second level of their temple that stirred the viper lord Black Snarl before I had the space to retreat from him. If I had only kept to the procedure and cleared the mound with sniping and teleported to it I would have won effortlessly.

Evil urns are the only things that make such caution impossible. While it is slightly less risky to be positioned far away from the urn, it is impossible to trigger them - with telekinesis charges - from a safe distance. And evil urns do as you know hold minute spiders in them as well. Therefore, when urns spawn vipers it is in fact a combination of both spiders and snakes that results in the unprecedented danger they pose. One is safer leaving such unholy unions aside.

Floria: Very sensible! Now stop arguing about that.

Törnrosa: Thy conclusion has some wisdom in it. I shall abide by the edict.

Askungen: Alright, but the urns are probably some sort of web network hubs for the spiders as well... The World Wide Web merits further and deeper investigation. Just as Maltatais untidy garden (very sloppy landscaping and such, you know)...

Maltatai: My garden is overflowing with greenery and grassroots, I'll have you know, so don't even think about calling that into question. So lush is it that I have had two strawberries growing and ripening in the middle of September! Which is completely insane this far north.

"Doorbell rings"

Maltatai: We have doorbells here now?

Floria: I'll get it!

Telash: I'm coming too.

Waheed: On it.

Ip: Ah, what the heck...

Maltatai: Let's go at a civilized pace and have a look at who it might be...well, well! If it doesn't look like DCI (Detective Chief Infernal) Tomb Barnaby, DS (Detective Skeleton) Jen Bones and Rogue Gaile Stevens themselves! How have they wandered their way here from the intermissions further back in the story?

As you may recall the trio are investigating the foul repeated murders of the innocent demonic queen Andariel, the many times deceased owner of the picturesque monastery resort of the Tamoe mountains. They have travelled far and wide after being somewhat sidetracked in Lut Gholein when Rapunzel was busy clearing out sewers and...

Telash: ...but someone you really want to investigate closer is that shady so called "author", Maltatai. I mean, looking at the quality level of his work it is obvious that it is a mere front and shallow cover up for something illegitimate...

Maltatai: What the fallen one...?

Telash: ...and Maltatai has been most suspiciously active in the neighborhood all the times a prominent member of the demonic society has met their doom under suspicious circumstances. He has an unhealthy fascination with the arts of murdering demonic and undead victims, indiscriminately wallowing in the horror of such atrocities. And no less unwholesome is his near encyclopedic knowledge of the means to bring about the end of the poor inhabitants of Sanctuary, indeed it just reeks of a consultant master criminal! Professor Maltatairiarty I dare say would be a more fitting term for a being ingrained with such a myriad of foul and underhanded dirty tricks. I recommend that you arrest him at once, sir!

Maltatai: How dare he? That...

"Discreetly distances himself from the doorway"

Hmpf! Insolent iron wolf! Iron wolf? Rust mongrel, at most. Now, what is happening here...ah, Rapunzel is retelling the final confrontation with Baal.

Rapunzel: I charged at the creepy snail-crab with shield raised high and black horns smoldering. I kept the boss fighting outfit of peaceful armor to raise my dodging skills, slowing gloves and slowing mask. Envenomed javelin flew and bolts exploded from my spear tip.

Törnrosa: Obviously the holy light of lightning is the key to victory against the true challenges, such as the prime evils themselves.

Askungen: As long as it is firmly rooted in the will of the people, and helped on the way by grassroot poisons!

Rapunzel: Overwhelmed by the combined elements the lord of destruction stood no chance, succeeded in nothing and succumbed to the collected disdain of the Amazons absent even a moments grasp of the initiative in the battle. My Matriarchal Javelin burned through the estate-brokerly black heart of Baal and he collapsed in a broken heap underneath my ruby red heel.

It was all over. Almost. I had one thing left to do. I was just moments from reaching the utmost enlightenment, the epitome of experience and skill. Level 86. And there, wandering all the way from Aranoch until his starved and withered flesh had fallen off his bones, was none else than Black Snarl himself to deny me that! But his time, his powers had waned and this time I was not trapped and restricted.

Snövit: Splendid!

Rödluvan: Sweet!

Rapunzel: I now thank you all for your time and since my mission is accomplished I will be on my...

Snövit: Now hold up there! Just where do you think you're going?

Rapunzel: I... I don't know. Wherever I am called to serve.

Askungen: Is this Maltatais doing? That is just heartless, after all you have gone through, and...

Maltatai: Stop jumping to conclusions like an ominous spider out of an urn! Rapunzel is free to do whatever she wishes as far as I am concerned.

Askungen: Well, good then.

Rödluvan: Rapunzel, you are cool and awesome and your boots are as lovely as your red-jeweled ghost armor, haunting ones dreams like a ghost indeed. Please...stay?

Snövit: Meshif would be positively thrilled to have a quartermaster to settle issues and keep the order onboard.

Rödluvan: Quartermistress!

Rapunzel: If you're sure... I would like to. Reporting for orders, first mate!

Snövit: Belay that for later. Now it's victory celebration times! Just for tonight undo thy braid and let down thy golden hair, arbitress and quartermistress.

Rapunzel: But the braid is rather practical...

Snövit: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair!

Askungen, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, impartial, just and fair! Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair!

Rödluvan: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, I say you've quite a pair! Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair!

Snövit: Shush!

Rödluvan: But it rhymes flawlessly. It really does. Besides, I get to say all such things now after Rapunzel has rendered her judgment so it's not corrupting the judge anymore.

Askungen: Not the point.

Rödluvan: Then what is the point?

Rapunzel: This...is the point.

I. am. free. Rödluvan, feel free to undo my braid and be so kind and pour a suitable drink of potions for me.

Rödluvan: Only the braid?

Snövit: "Icy Glare"

Rödluvan: Heartwarmingly hot potions for the people now being solidarically served! Potion abstinence should not be unwholesomely overdone, moderation is a virtue as we all know... except in some cases...

Snövit: Rapunzel, that stuff...

Rapunzel: I have vanquished Hell. Merc'lessly. I will not be deterred by any lewd liquid lavishness.

Bring it on.

Rapunzel:
Demons are dead
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my adventure's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who smashed everything?

Look at this stash
Treasures untold
How much equipment can any chest hold?
Looking around here you'd think
Loot
She's got everything

I have rare things and blue things and set things
I have rune words and some things unique
Matriarchs javelins?
I got plenty
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I want to cheer up the forumites
I want to see and hear them laughing
Scrolling around those - what do you call them? - oh, posts

Murdering monsters don't get too far
Jokes are required to please our audience
Romance and intrigue and - what's that word again? - waves!

Snövit:
Out where we sail
Stand by our rail
Carried by wind and warmed in the sun
Unbound and free
Wish you would be
Part of our world

Rödluvan:
What would I give
To make you live
Out on these waters?
What would I pay
To every day
Have you on board?
Far from the land
We'll understand
And respect our quartermistress
Red-clad women
Wet from swimming
Watching we stand

Askungen:
Help me find out what the people know
Ask them my questions
And get some answers
Where be spiders and what do they - is that web!? - plot?

Törnrosa:
When scared a lot
Trust in my light
Guiding lost ships to shore from a height

Rapunzel:
Out on the sea
I wish to be
Part of your world

Maltatai: Divert your course fifty degrees north to avoid collision. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 20 ½. The Chroniclers Tardiness

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: This is insanely silly of you all.

Snövit: We're just doing as our female role model does.

Askungen: Since she has spent so much time with you lately it is obvious that she must know the most about what is proper behavior near chroniclers.

Rödluvan: And it looked quite funny in any case.

Maltatai: While I am pleased that my daughter has mastered the important skill of ridiculing her parents by sticking out her tongue at them and clearly thinking it is very funny, I frankly fail to see why you lot should take to mimicking her.

Törnrosa: Floria has insisted that I engage in more of the popular culture trends among the peoples of Sanctuary. It is apparent that this taunting of chroniclers is the latest meme.

Rödluvan: Indeed it is. You have learned well, Rosie!

Törnrosa: That is not an appropriate nickname! Besides, it is only proper to pay our respects to the coming generation of heroines. Obviously, with that solid grip she exhibits, she will become a mighty javazon one day.

Snövit: Nonsense, clearly it will be a bow that those fingers hold. Her attentive eyes naturally indicate a talent for inner sight. Mini-Maltatai can tank for her.

Maltatai: Probably. He is quite the barbarian.

Rapunzel: Fellow amazons! It is my judgement that we have strayed too far from the issue of today. Please stay on topic.

Askungen: Of course, wise arbitress.

Snövit, Rödluvan, Askungen, Törnrosa, Rapunzel:

Maltatai: ...

Over and out.

[Alwyn]

It's great to see you Maltacus! If Episode 40 ½ means what I think it means, congratulations! It sounds like the Amazons are as fearless as ever and that they're getting suspicious of this mysterious Maltatai character. If this is the end of this dramatic, fiery and loquacious tale, I hope you'll write another AAR in future!

[Maltacus]

It means what I think you think it means. The local adventuring party nowadays has four members.

Ah, damn, I forgot to change the episode numbers to this threads format. Now fixed.

The amazons are not really suspicious of Maltatai (me in the Diablo II forum) but the mercenary Telash is conducting a rabid labour union anti-Maltatai campaign at every opportunity due to less reverant comments about the ineptitude of the hired help. Rapunzel beat the game under extra difficult conditions in that she didn't hire anyone, the first time I've managed that in Diablo II. This is indeed the end of the story. All five made it throguh the game and hopefully they have learned to settle their ideological differences in more productive ways or at least they have Rapunzel to tell them to.

There might be an epilogue with just remaining nonsense and celebratory singing and such.

[Maltacus]

Episode 22. Epilogue

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Disclaimer: The episode is leftover nonsense and contain nothing of sense and value.


Rapunzel: Welcome, welcome to the Halloween party of the year and of Lycander! This grand gala is of course covered by the Whatever-the Clock News! Our very own reporter Maltatai is on the spot with the latest developments! Maltatai, what can you tell us about the evening so far?

Maltatai: Rapunzel, I'm standing here next to you - since you are not only already here but also a guest like me - where we can view all sorts of dishes and snacks being prepared to be served in no particular order. Rödluvan, Snövit and Askugnen are alternating between cooking, serving and hindering each other with ambushes and pranks centered
on throwing potato peelings at one another. Ip and Waheed are slicing salad viciously and spitting things on spears to barbeque them, respectively. Telash is setting up the lights while Törnrosa is setting the tables in immaculate order and ordering the less immaculate valkyrie Petronella to do as she says, which she of course does not. Meshif is frying fish at a safe distance. Wise man.

Rapunzel: Business as usual for these kinds of festivities I understand. Where is Floria, though?

Maltatai: She has been stockpiling pillows gathered from her secret supply depots in the Arcane Sanctuary, but found them so comfortable that she is for the time being nesting in the biggest pile, frantically taking notes about all that happens to further her amthropological studies.

Rapunzel: Who else is invited?

Maltatai: The usual NPC:s of honour like Cain, Tyrael, Jamella and so on. Jerhyn and Drognan are expressly forbidden. This year however, we are honoured to extend invitation to a vast number of prominent delegates from abroad!

From the Single Player Forum of diabloii.net are invited
@Drixx
@OhRyaen
@Jason Maher
@pharaoh
@zaphodbrx
@RobbyD
@LozHinge the Unhinged
@Gillsing
@djmbbandie
@PizzaPolice
@pharphis
@mr teach
@Malevolent
@SunsetVista
@NorthDakota
@felixbavaria
@pietsen
@Ancient Of Mu Mu
@Goldtru
@xXxGrimmxXx
@espr
@Drystan
@Rudreshuar
@Atratees
@T72on1
@Brak
@Rushster
@Noodle
@Zyr
@Fruit
@Swamigoon
@ffs

From the Non-TW AAR section of Total War Center are invited
@Chirurgeon
@Maximinus Thrax
@mad orc
@Alwyn
@CommodusIV


Rapunzel: For the less cosmopolitan inhabitants of Sanctuary and the weird writer realm, we will now offer a convenient background exposition to amaze the viewers with how educated and thorough our program is.

Maltatai: Oh, will we? Halloween is one branch of the tree of spiritual dark autumn celebrations by the end of October and beginning of November. All Hallows Eve is the more original version in my realm. Or perhaps I should say a more original version, as I firmly believe that the idea to light fires or candles and celebrate something in the darkest of autumn is far older than any of the various spiritual or subcultural meanings that has since been associated with it. Christmas is in just the same way the winter festivities and everyone has wanted to put their mark on it but none can claim it, just as Easter is the spring festivities and Midsummer the summer festivities. Humans need to throw parties regularly during the year and that's that.

Halloween used to be plagued by a lot of annoying little dressed up punks who extorted treats by threatening their victims with unspecified vandalism, a humorless and bullying practice that has largely fallen out of favor. Imagine a camp of carvers without any of their charming traits and you get the general idea of the perpetrators. That is certainly one of the worse multicultural imports that has taken place. I mean, the core concept is blackmail, illegal threats and vandalism intended to result in the damage or destruction of property. Quite the contrary to Easter customs when witches offer drawn post cards in exchange for unwholesome nutritional supplements on a contractual basis. Cards for candy, that is honest business if ever there was one

Rapunzel: Prior to the party, Rödluvan and Floria conducted thorough cultural research regarding the costume customs of, in fact, Maltatais world. The Whatever-the-Clock News' own reporter, being also an inhabitant of that realm of chaos, is here to elaborate more on the subject.

Maltatai: Hm? Oh, Halloween costumes? Well, a far more pleasant and civilized habit of the season is the throwing of dress up parties and general masquerade mania. The general theme is horror and ghastly undead characters and creatures but the confines of convention are anything but rigid and there has been a gradual shift towards characters more charming than scary, from time to time.

There is also a peculiar reoccurring trend of criticism coming from people with the sacred mission of being insulted in someone else's name about costumes being politically incorrect and thus indecent and thus something that should be banned or at least prevented from being visible in public space. And just to clarify, it is not centered on costumes carrying messages inciting crimes or banners with demeaning speeches which would in severe cases be illegal, but the criticism is confined to the area of good taste, or perplexingly bad taste according to said critics. Consider that for a moment. A costume party weekend where the actual theme is terrifying characters, where some costumes are to be considered...terrifying in the wrong way? There is after all a reason why the archetypical werewolf is a thoroughly unpleasant citizen. The proverbial vampire is a very politically incorrect abuser of defenseless human victims. Mass murder to sate ones own exaggerated bloodlust is not a politically correct activity.

Now, as in many areas, real life historical villains outdo most fictional ones in revolting evil. Quite a few contemporary ones do as well but nobody dresses smartly enough at present to make themselves good candidates for a villain costume. IF one is to denounce those Halloween costumes, then one should certainly denounce bloody countesses, malicious witches and all kinds of monsters and beasts as well. Then one would be a qualified bore, but at least not a hypocritical bore. An entirely different situation would of course occur if said bore were to actually be constructive and HOST a costume party. The host and organizer rule supreme and may set any theme he or she so wishes.

Rapunzel: Thank you very much for that introduction and conveniently enough we do have none other than the two main hosts present. Snövit and Rödluvan, how have you approached the costume issue for the evening?

Snövit: We decided that we should come as we are and go as ourselves, but in the spirit of openness dress up as Maltatais world perceive us. Despite all the diligent scribbling the chroniclers origins have received not so much attention throughout the series. Time to remedy that!

Rapunzel: That sounds interesting. How have you researched your apparent appearance among Maltatais world? Have you sent Floria to scout?

Rödluvan: We considered it but then we thought about Askungen and her spider scares!

Rapunzel: ...spiders being relevant how?

Rödluvan: Askungen always preach about how the dreadful spiders spin a World Wide Web around us all to trap us...and it turns out that there is really something to it! It might not be too much of a web in Sanctuary but in Maltatais world those spiders have really been at it! The World Wide Web has almost the entire population trapped in it one way or another!

Snövit: The spiders must rule all over there! No wonder he's trying to sneak away over here from time to time. But despite the ominous looming danger, the spiders web is rather useful. You can, like, look up stuff pretty quickly. Searching for information is often quite easy, though you tend to be overloaded by nonsense instead.

Maltatai: Now hold up there for a...

Rödluvan: So that is what we did! We made a search for "Red Riding Hood" and "Snow White" and "Halloween costume", and we immediately got an answer!

Maltatai: But... Those aren't exactly...

Snövit: We'll try them on in the blink of an eye, see you!

Rödluvan: I even got a super-cute wolf costume for Telash!

Rapunzel: Pardon me, you were saying?

Maltatai: It...well, never mind. Who am I to impose external cultural standards on other societies?

Rödluvan: I almost forgot! We have gotten a package for you as well! Your long hair and spooky background knowledge is a great start but some makeup is definitely in order in my opinion.

Snövit and Rödluvan: "whisper-whisper-whisper..."

"Pour a sack of flour on top of Maltatais head, rendering him ghostly white"

Maltatai: "Cough!" "Cough!" WHAT THE...! "Cough!"

Rödluvan: Perfect! A ghostly necromancer to the bone if I ever saw one! To the "bone", get it?

Snövit: The indistinct muttering of curses truly completes the illusion! That is true immersive role playing and being in character!

Maltatai: Get back here you brainless bimbos!

Snövit: Alas, we have had terror cast on us and must run away from the caster!

Rödluvan: Don't forget that necromancers must start shirtless!

***

Rapunzel: Like at every self-respecting or self-righteous (if you are a paladin or a lightning javazon) party there will as mentioned soon be ample need to consume the spectacular amounts of edible and drinkable substances of more or very much less wholesome varieties that have been prepared. The Whatever-the-Clock News notes with astonishment that said preparations have been handled with relative ease and order so far and...never mind...

Törnrosa: WHO IN THE NAME OF THE LIGHT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DESECRATION!?

Maltatai: Which one of them...ehm, could you be more specific and enlighten us?

Törnrosa: What kind of heathen decided to place a giant pumpkin on top of my heavenly lighthouse!?

Maltatai: Ah, I see... I think I have a few educated guesses. Possibly a compulsive prankster with golden hair or two with the aid of a rogue rogue scout?

Törnrosa: Floria? Explain yourself!

Floria: Mmm...isn't it nice? I thought since hallowed eve festivals when you light candles in the dark should be your thing completely and you put candles in pumpkins or similar vegetables and the opening of the majestic lighthouse coincides with the party it was a nice decoration and a good way to show that you are a really good and not stuffy person and have a sense of humor...

Törnrosa: Alright, alright! I have a sense of humor?

Rödluvan: More than you know.

Törnrosa. Be that as it may with the pumpkin, but WHO was it that sabotaged the sign by taping a background-colored patch over the "e" on the sign outside?

Rödluvan: Well, technically speaking this patching and background editing stuff is Maltatais specialty.

Maltatai: Technically speaking, stop using me to deflect suspicion from an obvious similarity with previous nonsense directed at Snövits mitts!

Askungen: What does the sign say?

Törnrosa: Well, after I scoured it from this foul infestation it informs the reader that one stands before the great and magnificent Beacon of Holy Light.

Floria: Pffffhihihihibacon of holy light!

Rödluvan: Blessed breakfasts every day!

Askungen: Except that we almost never hunt the hogs, they're far too elusive to be worth the trouble. And cute.

Rödluvan: In any case, being regarded as the pumpkin queen is a grand honour I have read. And since Törnrosa has had such a magnificent lighthouse built for us to navigate by, and it already is a pumpkin castle, I vote that Törnrosa should be pumpkin queen for the evening! All hail her majesty!

Törnrosa: Eh, why, of course.

Floria: Do we have to call you queen of the pumpkins now? It's a bit long. Can we omit the queen part? I mean, since it is so obvious that you are queen and no one else.

Törnrosa: This has a somewhat suspicious flair of previous attempts to achieve an unstylish populace public image. Nevertheless, let it be known that the pumpkin queen is generous and may be addressed without the title.

Rödluvan: Thank you so much, so very sweet of you, pumpkin!

Törnrosa: What...pumpkin!?

Rödluvan: Since you said royal titles could be left out, pumpkin.

Törnrosa: Floria!

Floria: Yes, pumpkin?

Törnrosa: This is your doing!

Floria: I only obey the royal pumpkin orders, pumpkin.

Maltatai: With such culinary obsession making its mark on the conversation, it was clearly time to eat before the pumpkin court went completely out of hand.

But...no. Or rather yes, but of course not completely without interruptions. First among those being the astonishment of the guests regarding the sublime wall decorations on one of the feast hall walls.

***

Askungen: What is that?

Maltatai: This is an informative art exhibition, detailing how a chronicler of infamous misdeeds work to bring illustrious illustrations to the readers in a controlled and effective manner.

Rödluvan: That is sort of weird art. That's just a picture, an empty frame and a background coloured picture.

Maltatai: Pfff! Laughable nonsense. The wall decorations are the personification of self-explanatory obviousness.

Here are detailed the basics of how to edit screenshots effectively and uniformly. Look here at the unedited screenshot, figure 1. Containing both the desired motif but also superfluous area on the sides and user interface. To crop it properly we simply paste it onto a canvas of the right size, figure 2. That way we can see precisely what parts of the picture that will be left out. Lastly we will be wanting a stylish frame. Instead of pasting parts of it onto the picture or paste the picture inside a frame, we have a frame ready, saved in a format such as .tga that allows for transparency in the picture, as opposed to .jpeg for example that will fill transparent empty areas with white. Thereby, the frame picture is of the same size as the canvas picture and contain a frame and nothingness inside it, figure 3. We paste it all onto the canvas and thus end up with a picture with a frame and with nothing inside the frame to obscure the picture, now ending up with the desired completed edited screenshot, figure 4.

Fig. 1.


Fig. 2.


Fig. 3
.

Fig.4.

Snövit: Boooring.

Maltatai: We now move on to the advanced level of picture editing, with a case study. How can you turn the armor of Snövit transparent in this picture and add little unicorns in her hair and her kissing a herring while...

Snövit: Stop it!

Maltatai: Now, if you had paid attention you would undoubtedly realize that even if we edited your armor to be transparent there would be nothing underneath in the picture so it would have no scandalous value whatsoever. Although, one could do a swap of yours and Rödluvans bodies and turn the red into blue, though that usually turns out too bright, you would want to reduce saturation a bit too...

Rapunzel: I believe there was someone at the door. I am sure the Whatever-the-Clock News and its special commentator will need to cover it.

Maltatai: Now not only drafted into his own news reporting parody going rogue, the chronicler found himself most unjustly labeled commentator, the legions of evil. The chronicler had of course never commentated anything throughout the story and was undeserving of all such slander.

***

Rapunzel: Outside, two dignified dignitaries have appeared with illuminated symbols above their head, apparently asking for the amazons.

Quest giver 1: There is great evil stirring.

Quest giver 2: The forces of darkness are growing.

Quest giver 1: Yet hope remains while stalwart champions of good still go forth in the name of all that is right.

Quest giver 2: Will you be that champion? Will you fight for what is might...right!

Askungen: What an original concept.

Quest giver 1: I have a quest for the brave adventurers willing to go out in the treacherous wilderness. Bring me 8 quill rat quills and you shall be amply rewarded with 50 gold coins.

Askungen: Quill rat quills? Seriously?

Snövit: What kind of silly quest is that?

Rödluvan: What are you going to do with eight quills anyway?

Quest giver 1: Hrm, ehm, you see, they are very good for knitting, durable and just the right length...

Askungen: Thank you very much, no! The world will have to manage its stirring evil on its own a little longer.

Snövit: How about you? Are you also looking for quill rat quills?

Quest giver 2: Hmpf! Of course not! No, I seek the truly proven, the really experienced, not the green novices of the beginners area. I require the best of the best for a truly epic quest of world-saving consequence.

Snövit: That being?

Quest giver 2: Bring me 9 tainted tongues, 8 carvers ears, 4 wendigo pelts and 1 steel scarabs left front claw. In return, I shall grant you a magnificent reward of 340 gold...

Askungen: NO!

Rödluvan: Go ask the sorceresses or something, they could use an occasion to get out more, the bookworms.

Snövit: Seriously, what heroes would want to undertake those silly small-minded quests for scrappy rewards?

Maltatai: And so the moderately epic quests were declined and the quest givers would have been told to go to hell, but Maltatai had already told the amazons to go to hell, and it was ever since closed for the season.

Rapunzel: Returning to the sofas the Whatever-the-Clock News can report that the hirelings have remained and are playing a new word quiz game.

Floria: "This is all Maltatais fault, what a tool he was, now I have to spend my days computing pi for the overlord". But who is the overlord with an interest in pi?

Waheed: Someone hungry and stupid.

Telash: Ip!

Floria: Correct!

Ip: "Hungry and stupid"?

Waheed: Yeah, man, talk about slow. If that overlord dude is so hungry for a pie, he should bake it, not "compute" it. You bake a pie, everyone knows that.

Ip: "Facepalm"

Ip: Next one! I seek someone who imports liquids with questionable properties, possibly in league with a red-clad potion addicted amazon. Who provides the "far oil" from other lands?

Floria: That will be me. Who is it, that with such an irresistible mancatcher did without doubt "wed a he" sooner than one could blink?

Telash: Bwahaha! Waheed!

Waheed: Hey! I didn't even use that elite level brandistock item thing, I slugged through with a meekly strengthy hyperion spear.

Ip: Details. Do not sell yourself short, Waheed, for are not your mighty thrusts unmatched in speed and energy, regardless of the circumstances?

Waheed: Eeh, sure?

Floria: "giggles"

Ip: And who might I be thinking of, a grizzled rogue and mercenary who has travelled the corners of the world and sailed the high seas, a "salt he" of the coasts of Kurast...

Waheed: Ha! Easy! Telash.

Ip: ...whose unending voyages surely still did not prepare him for the irresistible catching of the mightily thrusting mancatcher of the exotic desert sands...

Floria: "falls over giggling"

Waheed: Not cool!

Telash: Formal protest!

Ip: Formal protest? Is this what you fellows consider formal, if so I wonder what counts as casual?

Telash: You and Floria are horrible human beings. "clears throat" The UMT is seriously concerned with a trend of demeaning and diminishing of periphery characters and we should not add to it by overlooking my dashing dating of Jamella.

Waheed: Here we go, playing the union card as usual, chill out man...hey, the same goes for Andromeda Sparkleheart the Voluptuous Valkyrie, shielded most heroically by me!

Ip: Bores. But I'm by the way just a hungry and stupid barbarian of the unrefined Northlands, what can be expected? Grunt, grunt...

Floria: Telash's right, really. Even with the noble goal of accomplishing bar desk taunting of stubborn rivals it is not PC (protagonistically correct) to overlook Jamellas and Andromedas importance to our company. Are they coming here, by the way?

Waheed: Yep, obviously. Snövit is just waiting for an opportunity when Rödluvan is close so she can summon her on top of Rödluvans head.

Telash: Jamella and Halbu had to work late but should arrive any moment. Apparently some people have started to believe in rumors that archangels aims are so poor they could not hit a worldstone at point blank range if the world depended on it, and the paperwork of denials issued from the Angiris Council has been horrendous. One wonders how such slander could have been conjured, hehehe...

***

Rapunzel: Cheers! The Whatever-the-Dock...Clock...Fuse. No, that can't be right...has it been lighted yet...no. No, no, the this and that said NEWS is albeit rarely...arbitrarily I mean...reporting from the scene of horrible singing and making a scene, next to the office of the departments of silly walks - also known as a dance floor. As in every Hallowed Eve party the participants strive to wake the dead with their howling and screaming to overly volumed background music.

Maltatai: Given the maturity and reserved character of the invited and the hosts, there will of course not be instances of stupid singing duels or the like.

Rapunzel: Absolutionly not...abstain-loot-ly not - no, never...absolutely not! Pebbles they wrought!

Maltatai: ...

Rapunzel: ...perish the thought!

Maltatai: Well supplied with nutritional basics to stave off dehydration, are we?

Rapunzel: Certainly! Rödluvan has mixed many drinks for all in a charicatyreistically social way and as quartermistress I felt it my duty to evaluate them all, and find them passing my farce fest!

Maltatai: "Harsh test".

Rapunzel: Petty details. Now the Whatever-the-Clock News is proud to announce that fun will now commence! Perplexing public performances promises petrifyingly popular partying participation!

"Crowd cheers and whistles"

Maltatai: Snövit and Rödluvan appear and have apparently changed back to stylish evening dresses, Snövit with fishnet details and Rödluvan with high boots, although not as cool as Rapunzels red boots of which she is doubtlessly very jealous. Scandalous and youth-corrupting singing beckons.

Rödluvan: Let me ask you something! I've been reading an awful lot in the celestial newspapers, and the Zakarum magazines, about me and my friends here... and I was reading one article in particular, about an organization, you might have heard of them before... they're called the Paladins Music Resource Center, PMRC, well I read... I read that they said, that they think that "We Are Scandalously Promiscuous!" Well, this is coming from an organization called "The Holy Bolts". Now I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like some sort of clerical Single Player Forum obscure flaming guardian thread if you ask me! Well screw that whole bunch, because we can rip them, whip them, eat them raw....we hit harder, faster! Witness Amazon Stunning Prettiness! We Are Simply Perfect!

I don't mind if you track me down
Like a rogue scout on the run
Tie me down, I'm eager
Under moon or under sun
And I'll scream bloody murder
When you writhe and when you squeeze
You rush my blood when you come runnin'
Taste me if you please

And Jammie's hot, Iron Wolf, do it now baby, touch her, touch her
Lick your lips and flash your paws
Pounce her pounce her eat her raw...

Telash: How did you trick me into wearing this silly and warm wolf suit nonsense!?

Maltatai: The ever vigilant union watchdog, "bark, bark"...

Jamella: Aaaaw... Also, "Jammie"? So long as I don't need to lose a hand or stuff...though I could heal it of course...

Rödluvan:
...Oh, Harder faster
That's what I want to see for
That's what I'm after
Let's all do wicked deeds

Oh, Harder faster
Yeah, that's what I need cause
Now that's what I'm after
Remember, wicked deeds

I can hear those cries of love
First mates moans through the door
A heart attack, meet blue maniac
With sea salt in his veins
Then I can feel my pulse rise up
May it last, last all night long
I feel the bliss, I lick my lips
For they don't sound like it's wrong

"Lick it hard, fish me up, do it now captain, touch it, touch it
Set your course and raise your sails
Board me board me eat me raw"...

Snövit: I do NOT talk like that in our cabin! Something you should be well aware of, you spy!

Rödluvan:
...Oh, Harder faster
Yeah, that's what she needs cause
That is what we're after
Set course for wicked deeds

Oh, Harder faster
Yeah, that's what I root for
Now that's what I'm after
Grow, rise to wicked deeds Aha

Slippin' slidin' strokin' barbarian hand of sin
Green and wild and smokin' the ecstasy begins...

Askungen: What...I mean...none of your nosy business!

Ip: One must admit she nailed it pretty well, though. The "naked truth" as they say. Fair and square.

Askungen: Not the point!

Rödluvan:
...Listen to your woman here
She say she don't want none of this slow down crap (lightning 'zon after all)
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
(Put those smooth wings to good use, all of them)

Oh, Harder faster
Take her right to Heaven
Wings are what she's after
Come do more blessed deeds

Törnrosa: WHAT!?

Petronella: "giggles"

Floria: "falls over giggling"

Tyrael: "attempted stern glare" (attempted since angels have no visible eyes)

Floria: Make sure to tend to her every desire, she is the pumpkin queen after all, hihihihihi...

Rödluvan: Battle Gear Idol Poster Shot Time! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Undress and redress before the photo conditions vanish! Trust Maltatais experince in these matters - light and position is paramount for a good shot and even the most hectic battle or feast must be interrupted to make a unity card!

Maltatai: Unit card.

Maltatai: Best regards to all readers. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

When I finished the story I had some ideas for misbehaviour and snarky comments left that I had intended to post as a finish of it all. I didn't have the time or energy to do that in time for halloween which was the plan and let it be. But since winter turned to spring, spring to more winter than the actual winter, and high summer into early autumn I guess an out-of-season post will not necessarily also be out-of-place. Also, a lot of us are confined to extremely boring and isolating conditions and even shameless necroposting might be excusable in order to bring a moment of distraction from that I hope. Note that Rödluvan appears in the episode so if you work at home you must of course read it only after working hours as she is unsafe for work and has listened to scandalous rock music lately.

[Alwyn]

I'm honoured to be invited, and I see what you mean about the relative probity of Halloween and Easter customs!