[Diablo II AAR] The Misadventures of Diabolical Amazons

[Maltacus]

Yes, Diablo II is very much about equipment and the diversity is massive. Not only because items are randomly generated in most cases but also the great variety of effects from items. You can build up characters with identical skills in many different ways with different gear, and switching gear for specific situations is often crucial, unless you have hunted for months for the ultimate highest and rarest of pieces. Rapunzel now has both protective gear with life stealing which is good against masses of common enemies, and slowing gear which is good against rarer very dangerous enemies, or enemies that you can't steal life from.

[Maltacus]

Episode 12 other ½. Poison Javelin

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Look! You don't see this very often in Tristram! Clearly that commander had studied the adversary well.

Deckard Cains honorary guard. In which direction is that arrow really flying, by the way?

Griswold seemed to have gone heavily for a possible one hit kill. He was actually rather frightening. You could be just a misclick away from death.

The last enemy to fall was the very cunning Pulse Wolf that had read a lot of camper counter strike tactical manuals and teleported out of his burning house to attack and then retreat back inside. It was actually rather interesting.

Yes, very good. One pyromaniac in the family is enough.

Not a moment too soon. And for those who wonder wherein the danger lies, it is in the fact that to avoid dangerous hits, it is sometimes best to remain in place or to move somewhere even at the cost of a grazing hit. A concrete and practical example can be an archer that sprints away to dodge quills, and therefore monouevres closer to a pack of skeleton archers instead, or into unexplored territory without scouting first.

Ghosts were many times harder to deal with without consuming mana potions. Add a multi-damage enchantment that destroys valkyries and the battle will be long.

While it is a blessing to avoid stairtrap situations the lack of attention and contemptuous negligence can insult even the most balanced heroine.

Another enemy that did her best to resist.

Rapunzel: I am Rapunzel. Your life will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Maltatai. If only that could have been a pavise...

Deepest down the Countess had rallied a formidable guard, under command of a truly terrifying captain...

A trio of goatees had guarded the relic of versatility that more than any other weapon belonged with the countess, or more correctly her loot.

This time it was not stellar. An unsatisfying Tal and Eth. But Rapunzel has proved that she can handle herself in the tower and even take down ghosts, albeit slowly because of her stubborn sobriety. Perhaps she will stay there to level up - a very important thing in itself to help the magic arrows and poison javelins hit better - and hope to discover some useful rune "cough" Pul "cough". Stay tuned for more thrilling escapades where I try to capture every exciting moment and then forget the details right in time for when I am actually writing the episode down. Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 12 ½. Poison Javelin

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Rapunzel: It works, it works, it works, it works, IT WORKS! IT IS FANTASTIC! Envenomed poison javelins is THE skill in this game! And I can actually HIT things with both that and the normal attack magic arrow. How unexpected isn't that!?

Maltatai: Slow down! Establish context. Oh, look, by the way, half episodes exist here too...

Rapunzel: Establishing context... I am in HELL! And hell is freezing over, burning up, perforated and corroding! Charged up by my new breast plate I danced through the Den, untouchable and out of range. My magic arrows are a hailstorm and my speartip is spinach!

Also, Corpsefire knows how to welcome a girl into the realm.

With supreme mobility comes the opportunity of further outclassing all opposition. Almost did I manage to avoid every swing and sling in the moors. And then, at the gates to the Cold Plains, there came running a fervent, eager corrupted rogue right into my arrows. Slowed she was, and struck by a green tip. A venoms strength, a poisons time...

Maltatai: Very well, here goes the explanation...sit down, quiet please! Class in session.


Venom and poison skills: As we have covered earlier venom deals a huge amount of poison damage over the very short time it is applied. Venom in other words has a high damage per frame (1/25 of a second) or second or any other time unit that you find suitable, and a short duration. Venom also only applies when an enemy is hit by your weapon, as opposed to poison clouds, rabies infections and poison nova. Poison damage from items are added to the venom damage but the poison duration is shortened to that of venom as well, thus severely limiting their effectiveness. Poison skills are however not affected by the same shortening of duration. When those, namely poison javelin, plague javelin and poison dagger, are used and the enemy is HIT BY THE WEAPONS TIP, the damage per second of venom is applied for as long as the poison duration of the skill. In this case, the low damage but long duration of poison javelin is coupled with the high damage of venom. If an enemy is just hit by the trailing cloud, the regeneration stops but little more. If the same enemy is hit by the javelin itself, the health plummets. In this way, even a low level poison javelin can become devastating and easily one-shot some of the enemies.

Unexpectedly proving to be a desirable main armor in the early stages of the game, Treachery was complemented by Peace for summoning plated mead heads and The Spirit Shroud when undertaking underground bird watching.

Being an experienced judge and arbiter, Rapunzel was sure to fire some sort of lawsuit as well as numerous magic arrows against the hairy pretender and usurper. The intermingled boss packs made a worthy effort but dual immunities were unfortunately four too few.

Sometimes the artillery barrage can be somewhat detrimental for the story's suspense and drama.

In this so far outclassing, or more correctly outclassed, environment the few setbacks were disproportionately noted. Actually counting hits in Diablo II, is that arrogant or what?

Caves are always harder to operate in, especially when the enemy is unfreezeable and faster than the lazy gargantuans.

The second level held the first truly difficult adversary. Neither possible to slow or to whittle down with poisonous hit and run tactics, the skeleton captains curse and heavy enchantment overpowered the valkyrie. It was a slow struggle without using potions but at last pride and hubris prevailed.

Yes, those purple things there serve a kind of practical purpose too, if my arbitrary lady would remember?

Misshappen and their cousins always manage to be as annoying as they are ugly. That is a lot, if someone was wondering.

The age of enlightenment returned as the passage through the passage was found.

The Dark Wood held many impractical trees under which skeleton archers and spike fiends lurked, ready to tarnish the overgrown pride of prismatic and pompous queens of the battlefield and mistresses of skirmishing.

[Alwyn]

Good (half-)chapters! I like the lines about '... every swing and sling in the moors' and the 'fervent, eager corrupted rogue' (and what happened to that rogue!)

[Maltacus]

The rogues are indeed quite vulnerable to poison and those that don't have a shield are fairly easy to hit, so they are good targets for that kind of attack.

I imagine it must be enormously hard to make sense of most of the comments and tactics talk in the story if you haven't played the game. Is that the case?

In any case, it deserves to be pointed out and underlined again that spending time and attention on counting hits, on the highest difficulty no less, is something supremely stupid and outrageously arrogant in Diablo II and such ill-advised practises are not to be recommended.

[Alwyn]

I imagine it must be enormously hard to make sense of most of the comments and tactics talk in the story if you haven't played the game. Is that the case?

I don't understand the details, but I get the gist. I have played games which are somewhat similar (Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter Nights), so I'm familiar with tactical choices like choosing the best weapons and magic against specific enemies. It doesn't matter if I don't understand every detail, this does not prevent me from enjoying your AAR.

[Maltacus]

Episode 13. Important Addendum

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Telash: That clot. As soon as he figures out one problem - in this case the proper standardization of images for this forum - he makes some brand new goof-up miscalculation and does brainless things like not leaving an image slot open for the wave!

Luckily there is the United Wave Troops subbransch of the UMT to correct the situation.

Over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 13. Rune Rain Run Ruin Reign

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: Having completed the countess quest, Rapunzel has been faced with the choice between continuing to new and unknown exciting hunting grounds and missions, or remain and repeat the same grinding, tiresome raiding run time and time again.

What will a true Diablo II character choose when faced with such alternatives?



Easily answered!

Especially the last level was a very lucky roll! If I was one of those that save map seeds and other digital gardening stuff I would definitely keep this exquisite fifth floor!

The difference between the armors shows. Treachery is bad against strong ghosts that resist the poison but Peace with immolation and exploding arrows, better hit rate and decoy is notably better. It is quite nice to see Peace shine as a primary armor in certain situations and not only being a precast item. Against stubborn people like this thing, every skill level is welcome to break through that high resistance.

Rapunzel: I have also started using the lightning bolt skill. It is a very underused and overlooked ability, but it is really a one point wonder like the Barbarians berserk. While more enemies are immune to lightning, you don't have to get close and be exposed to danger and mana draining from the unleechable physically immune enemies. Lightning Bolts conversion of damage allows me to take advantage on the solid damage of the Titans Revenge, and if there ever was a javelin that belong together with that skill it is surely this. Lightning bolt is quite economical and excellent for destroying small numbers of ghosts. I am very pleased to be able to add another skill to my choice of attacks, and it looks great too when you hurl lightning bolts.

Maltatai: Look here! It is the ghost of Storm Blister, the scary archer captain from the last episode that had risen again to resume her watch over the fifth level of the tower! This time she ate the valkyrie but was still kept at bay by the arrows and decoys.

Rapunzel: It is almost too tricky to save valkyrie in all situations, and it can easily become too much of a distraction from the battle as a whole, just like attempting to doge every single hit can. I should learn to rely on only decoys more and retreat to town less in those situations. I can after all outrun just about anyone in this Act so as long as there is room to maneuver the battle will remain in my hands. I do for this reason not look forward to facing the leapers and extra fast ghosts in later stages of the game.

Maltatai: Yes, you might even have to...drink a potion!

Rapunzel: This was the first time that fade triggered. A lucky shot from an insignificant dark archer. They see right through me...they must think that they can see their mission of defending the tower through as well. And I apparently pale so much that my environmental vision fade away as well.

This was a difficult pack to handle!

I decided to sneak away and attack the other monsters of the level first, like the unsuspecting devilkin. A surprise attack worthy of Linuviel!

After that, the ghost of Nurgle past and its pack could be separated and more easily dealt with.

And if anyone wondered if the enemies in the game are perhaps not so evil, and just misunderstood creatures - LOOK HERE.

THAT. NAME. No other entity of Sanctuary can sink lower, forfeit more second chances, incur greater damnation or be more irredeemably despicable.

But I had gotten a valkyrie that could summon dragons for us! I am absolutely sure they came to our aid because they sensed the presence of such a vile blight on the face of the universe!

In a later run I came across a ghost pack...again, I know...near a door and decided that I should at least try out my stashed reserve one time. Fire was effective and immolation arrow had proven to be a sound strategy to keep their healing down and add area damage.

And...BOOM! I can so understand why Rödluvan likes this so much. I think that thanks to the ability to combine immolation arrow with exploding arrows from a few bows the otherwise weaker and unfreezing fire is still very much in the game despite the many immune and resistant enemies. No other element of the Amazon can boat this combination of instant direct damage for fast hits and constant every-frame damage for the prevention of monster healing. My immolation arrow gains most power from the synergy of exploding arrow, and is therefore quite cost-effective at level 10.

Just after I had barbecued the ghosts I ran into another of these posers. This one was arguably the worst, being a corrupted rogue and therefore probably the most similar to me. She also had the most similar skills, or maybe she should have been extra fast instead of resistant. I was somewhat unused to dealing with archers with Kuko Shakaku so I fell back a bit and dispatched them with lots of poison javelins and decoys.

There was another archer further down that I also took out with the same hit and run attrition, even though this one was not as dangerous.

I ended the run with finding the runes for Strength... But after having discovered the usefulness of the fire I am still optimistic. The lack of speed and physical damage, and therefore leeching, is a severe drawback but I am still tempted to promote it to the main weapon for plundering the tower.

Maltatai: On second thought, your resistances are dangerously low without those 40 % extra from Witchwild String, so I would suggest keep having it as a reserve weapon.

Rapunzel: The monsters are mostly restricted by the layout of the corridors down there. I say it is an acceptable risk. I will just have to be extra careful to keep my distance from bosses in case they turn out to be lightning enchanted. And with the new firepower, that will be much easier to do while still dealing damage.

Maltatai: Point conceded. But make sure you engage initially with javelins more than arrows not, since your archery is slower than before.

As you will remember if you re-read chapter 12, Törnrosa and Floria encountered a fire enchanted archer named Devil Heart that teleported away. She had arisen in the tower cellar to frighten amazons once more. You never know if these enemies will manage to teleport just before they die and land close so you are hit by the corpse explosion.

Rapunzel: In a later run I encountered no less than three of these pests, including the countess herself.

Maltatai: Poison javelin is a preferable way to attack since you can run away while it works, but against the undead it is often not possible to destroy them in that manner.

The eight or so run was especially difficult with numerous packs that chewed through the valkyries. A nasty archer group was the most dangerous but Rapunzel threw javelins at them and then took cover in the room before while the venom worked. One by one, the furious dark archers succumbed to such underhanded tactics until their leader had to come forth and in range.

Once the valkyries were finally summoned, some proved to be of extraordinarily useful quality. Look here, Telash! Minions ARE being paid attention to. And this is not unpersonal objectifying, it is professional evaluation of combat abilities and general ability to contribute to the campaign.

I have never had the pleasure of being able to note his graphic disparity before. Quite a miss.

If Rapunzel hadn't come across the Witchwild String, this would have been the valkyrie of dreams to quest alongside. Since she is cursed and the closest you can come to cold enchanted, and was spawned in the deep pits of the tower cellar, perhaps her new nickname among the terrified enemies will be Pitspawn Foulbit...

Rapunzel: Maltatai! That is not acceptable!

Maltatai: Hrm?

Rapunzel: What if the valkyrie - whose name by the way is secret as per the modern Amazonian laws of protection of personal information from the information society - has a family that reads this? What if she has adopted children or perhaps just is the favorite aunt of someone? It could be disastrous!

Maltatai: I feel compelled to request some sort of elaborate explanation or explaining elaboration.

Rapunzel: As it is my mission as well as style to be thorough in my investigations, I have studied even the examples of historical warfare of your world that resemble Amazonian tactics. One of the more prominent users of light and heavy javelins and tower shields were apparently the infantry legions of a rather infamous empire, the one whose present-time fanboys and -girls that you are repeatedly so annoyed by.

Maltatai: Especially among the more useless contingents of law professors...

Rapunzel: These enslaving invaders did in any case proudly cite descent from the founder of their capitol, who along with his brother had been adopted by a female wolf.

Maltatai: Ah, now I see what you're getting at...

Rapunzel: Since you did mention that people in those days, the upper classes of said empire not least, attached outrageous importance to bloodlines and family name, and those adopted by another would have been liable to be considered usurpers and bastards by their opponents, the imperials did consequently take pride in living in an empire founded by the bastard son of a bi...

Maltatai: Hehehehehe, yes that is indeed true.

Rapunzel: And therefore, creating the concept of a pitspawn female dog valkyrie does evidently come with great risks of descendants embarking upon ravenous campaigns of conquest and enslaving!

Maltatai: Aaah...I don't think there is any particular need for concern. I believe the problem is defined more accurately in terms of imperial self-righteousness, disregard of other peoples, overwhelming lust for glory and obsession with family ties, than any potential canine relations. Nevertheless, in order to accommodate all and set a model example of minimization of risks, we shall leave the issue of bastard sword wielders, and their stepmothers of any kind, be.

Rapunzel: A sound principle. Usually the raiding is without any especially nervous moments, even though it is tense to engage those with teleportation and fire enchantment. I have been spared stairtraps most times, but on occasion that happens too.

Other times, the enemies seemingly can't wait to fall out of my way. A bit like various elite football players, I understand?

Maltatai: Indeed, some teams include the most expert tumblers, with nigh supernatural abilities to fall from the slightest gust of wind. If they could actually learn to roll back up on their feet again they would be halfway to qualifying as honorary Amazons. I suppose the other half would be having to turn female which would be what you could call the trickier part. To make matters worse, the tumbling behavior appears much rarer among the women's teams. But perhaps the best dodgers have already been secretly recruited by embassies from the Amazonian Isles before they have had a chance to make it to that level in their football career. Whatever you do, make sure you do not recruit among the football association magnates. While they are extraordinarily dodgy, they are so in the wrong way.

Rapunzel: Perish the thought. Even if I wasn't informed of that, the lot would, mildly speaking, not really reach the standards required in our navies and armies. I find it quite curious how the most athletic of activities many times can be represented by the most apparently unfit of leaders.

Maltatai: The hunt continues. With a careful, but easily bored, player the repetition of rune hunting can eventually get to you and the boredom and tedium dull your alertness. The vulnerability and ineffectiveness of many enemy formations have not aided in this respect. There is always a risk though, that any hero will suddenly be caught in that odd arrow volley or this hideous captain will teleport close to you and die...

Rapunzel: Target acquired.

Maltatai: Achievement achieved! A higher rune has been gathered from the countess!

Rapunzel: About time! Now I can move on to new areas. This place gets rather dull after the first dozen visits.

Maltatai: Think of all the fascinating places one can reach...like the pits where heroes plunder ceaselessly? Or the often visited Andariel?

Rapunzel: Noo, not this repetitive grinding again... Although, there are no known stairtraps of note near Andariel...and she does after all have this sensitivity to fire and pretty slow movement speed...after a touch of Cleglaw, that is.

Maltatai: Think what possibilities that do open up without a hireling to watch out for... Will you come back to the tower any time?

Rapunzel: No! Or...maybe. I just would so much like to find a Pul rune... And another so I can upgrade both weapons... And a Mal and two Ko so I can craft a mighty shield...

Maltatai: Obviously we are done with this place for all time and will focus totally on coming challenges. Over and out.

[Alwyn]

I can see that repetitive grinding can play an important role in a world of fantasy adventurers, especially if characters need to become more powerful (or acquire better equipment) to take on enemies in new areas. A valykrie that can summon dragons sounds like a powerful ally. I see what you mean about the many immune and resisting enemies, as well as enemies who suddenly teleport - they sound like challenging foes!

[Maltacus]

I don't understand the details, but I get the gist. I have played games which are somewhat similar (Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter Nights), so I'm familiar with tactical choices like choosing the best weapons and magic against specific enemies. It doesn't matter if I don't understand every detail, this does not prevent me from enjoying your AAR.

Must...not...explode...in...rant...of...how...dear...Baldurs Gate II...was...and...is...to...me... "grabs typing hand with other hand"

Neverwinter Nights wasn't a bad game in itself but it wasn't the "Baldurs Gate 3" that it could have been and that the lying gameplay trailer had promised. Incidentally, one of the worst things with NwN 1 was how they abandoned the control of the adventuring party and turned it to exactly the same brain-dead mercenary lack-of-control as is present in Diablo II...

I can see that repetitive grinding can play an important role in a world of fantasy adventurers, especially if characters need to become more powerful (or acquire better equipment) to take on enemies in new areas. A valykrie that can summon dragons sounds like a powerful ally. I see what you mean about the many immune and resisting enemies, as well as enemies who suddenly teleport - they sound like challenging foes!

Sadly the dragons (a chance to cast the hydra spell) are too small a level to be more than cosmetic but the mere presence of the dragons is of course enough to make such an item desirable anyway. Teleporting can indeed be one of the most dangerous mods an enemy has, in combination with the monsters innate strength or enhancements. For example, "fire enchanted" which means that the monster explodes upon death, dealing damage based on the monsters life! A teleport on top of you when the monster is almost dead...

[Maltacus]

Episode 14. Into the Dark

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Rapunzel: Hello. My name is Rapunzel and I'm a potionholic.

Maltatai: Hello Rapunzel and I would hardly think...

Rapunzel: It started long ago with drinking potions at work to be more efficient. I grew to depend on them. Then I turned to them to get over my nightmares. I tried to drink the bad dreams away. But after that I really thought I had it under control again.

Then in Hell there came a moment when I was going to proceed from the Black Marsh and into the highlands. The first thing I ran into turned out to be a pack of roaring hooligans lead by yet another incarnation of the troublesome Devil Heart. He had swatted the valkyrie up in the sky with an offhanded slap and thereby cursed me. Look at that! Is he frightening or what? I could probably have kept my distance fairly easily but the foolish chronicler decided that I should stay put just a little longer so he could grab a good screenshot of the roaring brute! How unserious isn't that, stopping to take pictures in the middle of a dangerous battle? I bet that if you put Maltatai in command of an army or something he would completely ignore the battle and just take screenshots to make new unit icons of or something...

In any case, when the monstrous brute approached I was so frightened and visions of deeded characters and one-hit kills and fatal reluctance to use potions flashed through my head and I accidently drank one of the healing potions as I focused on sprinting off and be ready to quaff drinks in case I would be hit and manage to survive.

On the way I found a shimmering charm. It was sadly only 3 % resistances but spectral resistance things are always nice.

Maltatai: The fabled Pit lay before Rapunzel. The surface dwellers had of course been of little concern since she had not had to pause for screen shooting or anything else. The dark and irregular caves are unwelcoming and uncooperatively unconforming for the nimble skirmisher. Icky things can appear out of the dark in seconds and surprise the helpless and innocent little invaders.

Storm Blister the Annoying made a reappearance with a scary teleport bombing combination. Rapunzel made a mental note to look up if such outrageous weaponry wasn't forbidden by some obscure interdimensional treaty somewhere. Now, biological greenery weapon were not at all the same thing. A quite opposite branch.

Rapunzel: The second level of the Pit had this nervously unsettling gap into the unknown dark that Maltatai always handles so exceptionally unsatisfactory. It is quite a mystery what makes him always lose his composure at this particular kind of cave entrance. Now, the proper way to advance is with a maximum of sniping and scouting and minimum of detection, since the area is so small and you wish to clear as much space as possible before alerting any difficult enemy formations. Said chronicler botched the entire operation by having me cast a decoy to scout. That is WRONG. It attracts foes and they then proceed to the small entrance cave where there is no room to maneuver.

It may of course had been a little easier if the foes in question had not been a pack led by a magic resistand and stone skinned captain. Now they swarmed my position and forced me into the left corner. I had never been trapped in a melee in hell before! Desperate situations require supreme order. Lightning charged my titanic javelin and sparks flew all over the cave! Rapunzel could reposition.

Maltatai: Impractically enough, she relocated to the stairs so that when she attacked the enemy she frequently went upstairs instead, and when descending she would surprise her foes with the erratic attack pattern but vanish in a blink again. However it was, Rapunzel is one nasty being up close too even if she had so far avoided that in Hell. That had actually not been any particular plan of mine, apart from a general distaste for melee that involves any sort of risk, but it sort of grew into a fixed and rather arrogant idea during the early parts of Hell. Which is weird since Rapunzel is outstandingly effective with it and lightning is supposed to be represented as well as the other elements.

So, divine administration had reappeared in the arsenal of the holy chosen of the most celestial radiance of the blablabla...

Unlike the role model of all saintly divinity Rapunzel will have to be careful NOT to acquire a rogue scout and so will leave Blood Raven for later. The risk of accidentally running into Kashya is overwhelming, as proved by Snövit long ago especially after long nights out in the tower. Since it is Rapunzels way to leave no sighted enemy standing she will not clear the crypts at the burial grounds either, since she would likely be disturbed by Blood Raven when travelling there.

Rapunzel: See this mother superior? Clearly one of the most foul tempered you could ever encounter. Someone must have stolen her finest unicorn or something. This was really quite like the big hairy spooky Devil Heart earlier. Poison javelin shone as usual. Lightning bolt would probably have been effective too but it is preferable only having to hit once and run compared to having to hit ten times.

The smith was on the other hand not nearly as fearsome as his deep grunted lines would suggest. Hephasto will be another matter, though. In nightmare and hell he is usually transcending the ridiculous when it comes to boosts.

Maltatai: Bony inhabitants downstairs have nothing to feed upon. Their futile attempts at resisting would not be worthy of mention but are still mentioned just to prove how unworthy of that that they are.

Here was quite a camper. His minions were slow to take down without potions and losing the valkyrie.

And of course we have the ugliest single creature in the entire game...

Up! Ascend! Into light and slithering angelic celestial tentacles that evil worldly people seek to cook as dessert! All in keeping with the spirit of lightning users, of course. Yes, yes, I know it includes degrading comments about chroniclers too. Ahem! Join us in a strike against the root of all evil Maltatai the Malicious! Blockade his pens and lock out his scrolls!

Go back! What kind of welcoming committee is this? When people get out of jail they should be welcomed with huge signs with greetings and escorted to a hideout where they can present their latest brilliant plan. And not just being driven around and around in a wagon because the stupid driver didn't know where to go.

Rapunzel: A prayer for the tragically underpowered and lonely unique enemy that is frequently too slow to do just about anything of note against a ranged character.

And LOOK HERE!!! I was so happy and surprised! I already ahve a Lum rune and am just a gem shrine away from upgrading one of my main weapons! Kuko Shakaku will require too much dexterity if it becomes the elite version but the javelins and witchly bow will be fine.

Just as with the Forgotten Tower, the equally forgotten catacombs - so forgotten that not even the rogues can provide you with a map before you explore it yourself - had the stairs rather close to each other. That was a very sensible precaution should the deceased need to evacuate in case of some sort of cleric invasion or similar hooligans.

Maltatai: Downstairs awaited the Maiden of Anguish. The mere sight of her statuesque zerg claws and fashionable hoof lacquering was enough to make any adventurer glance critically unto themselves and find hitherto forgotten or unknown self doubts resurfacing. Not least in Hell, where the dramatic black color theme provided exquisite style and contrasted against the bubbling red blood pools in the most flawless manner.

Andariel: FEAR ME! DIE, MAGGOT!

Maltatai: Far more sinister and subtle than the customary battle cries were the intense psychological warfare and outright bullying that Andariel had made her specialty and which had earned her her title.


Andariel:

What a maggot style
Maggot style

Here comes a little piece of Skovos trash, a maggot
She thinks to take the place of those who know their trade like masters
We all can see she dresses like an imbecile to cover
Up her empty shallow inner self

Nothing more to see
Than a little vermin crawling on the floor to see
Where she can crawl down in a pipe while getting out of here
Because she fear me, they all feel the same thing here
Always same thing here

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
Lacks the talent, all kind of talent

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
Lacks the talent, all kind of talent

She could just lay down, give up now and disappear

Open loser style
Loser style
Hop, hop, hop, hop
Such a clumsy style
Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Such a last year style

Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Bad-bad-bad, bad-bad-bad

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
She lacks the talent, all kind of talent

Bloody useless, so weak and toothless
She lacks the talent, all kind of talent

She could just lay down on the ground, give up and deed

Addiction shown, but that is widely known
Potions, potions
Unnamed drinking group about to join

Addiction shown, but that is widely known
Potions, potions
Unnamed drinking group about to join
Know what I'm saying

Obvious stupid style
Bad-bad-bad, bad-bad-bad
Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Obvious stupid style

Noooooooo sexy lady
Nope, nope, nope, nope
Bad-bad-bad, bad-bad-bad

What a maggot style


Rapunzel: ROAST, YOU MINION-EATING ARACHNID! BY THE BLOOD OF ALL BRAVE MERCENARIES THROUGH THE AGES AND EVERY LOYAL MINION, YOU SHALL MISS! READY! DODGE! FIRE!

You can't catch me! Out of breath already, are we? Take care lest you BURN yourself out!

Maltatai: Someone has clearly been influenced by a certain chroniclers sorceress to an alarming degree.

Rapunzel: Thrashing the opposition using overwhelming archery? Then it is the soundest of influx!

Maltatai: I was referring to the somewhat more questionable side that is the corrosive taunting of the succumbing foe.

Rapunzel: PETTY! DETAILS!

So, to sum it up, I would have managed to best almost all of Act I in Hell without ever drinking a single potion, were it not because Maltatai wanted to grab just one more dramatic screenshot. Utterly embarrassing, really.

Maltatai: But, pictures are important...what is this, some weird static interference? What...BZZZZZ...WHRHHHH...BZZZZZ...

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Telash: Do not attempt to adjust your set. This is Wave Only - a United Mercenary Troops Video Wave. The cable hack will last exactly 60 seconds. It cannot be traced, it cannot be stopped and it is the only free voice left in the city.

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Maltatai: Oh, drop it. The fact that I miscalculated the picture limit in one episode does not suffice to make you the supreme spokesman of all the waves of the universe, you . Besides, might I ask how the program is supposed to convey its message to the masses? Is the wave supposed to serve as some sort of semaphore?

Telash: So he says but the ever vigilant wolf of the oppressed will remain on the prowl, waiting for the time to strike...

Maltata: More like the yappy mongrel of the obnoxious remaining chasing his own tail or something similarly useful.... Look here! Now I am out of pictures again because Telash stole the 20:th one for his stupid hack. Now it has to be his fault. Over and out.

[Alwyn]

Nicely done, with a lot of great lines, such as the comments on Rapunzel's unfortunate addiction, the awkwardness of Maltatai's need for screenshots, the 'Monopoly' references and the sadness about old manual labour 'melting away', among others!

[Maltacus]

Episode 15. Inspector Tomb Barnaby

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: They have been busy. They have worked hard. They have grinded it out and been worked right to the BONE. Victims of falling cheeses, automated agricultural contraptions, murderous architecture and theatrical background materials abound from Khanduras to Cause-town, Midsomer. But now, the three, the only, DCI (Detective Chief Infernal) Tomb Barnaby, DS (Detective Skeleton) Jen Bones and Rogue Gaile Stevens pick up the trail in the cold case of the murder of Andariel. The tracks lead east over the Tamoe mountains.

But the leads lead back again. Hark and lo and behold! To the Cold Plains, the perpetrator is retracing his or her steps. To a solitary shrine close to the waypoint. The ground is trampled and muddy between it and the waypoint, as if someone has sprinted there time and again at least twenty times or so. What could the mysterious visitor have been after?

See, here lies a tattered pamphlet. What does it say?

"Do YOU ever get tired of the physically resistant zombie boss packs in Hell Blood Moor that makes you feel that you have entered an impossible difficulty level? Don't YOU find those ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost mobs so obscenely annoying that it's bordering the game-breaking? And would YOU not wish for a safe and sure way to make those Doom- and Oblivion Knight packs shut up and die a second time?

Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt - when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt - a spell to trust. Holy Bolt - the sound of it will be music to your ears."

A spell to trust? Something of great significance was found here. But was it what was looked for?

A gem of radiant forest light, of spinachly stench, of the best outfit for party occasions and bold balls. Perfection of the last component in the formula for the ultimate vindictive vengefulness from the clouds.

Dancing in triumph, the tracks go round and round back to the waypoint and around again through the Rogue Camp. What dreadful weapon would be upgraded? This would have taken some thinking for the perpetrator. Bows, or javelins? The javelins had a better roll, but the bow may be more relevant, with the cursing to let it make the most of physical damage. Or should one instead consider that with the bow enemies could be frozen and stopped so damage is less decisive? Is it intriguing to maybe unlock Jab as a main attack against lightning immunes along with poisons?

But maybe such concerns and deep thought ideas have over time grown secondary and one arbiters heart has warmed up with irrational and personal preferences and sentimental attachments. For it was the Titans Revenge from Mephisto that was Rapunzels great breakthrough in equipment and in spirit. With those spears, success suddenly did not seem out of reach and her character build could start to flourish.

The investigating group congregate and confer. What have they found out about the mysterious suspect from the other rogues of the land?

DS Bones: Well, the description is rather general, I suppose, blonde, tall, athletic and with one shoulder bigger than the other from archery and javelin practices. Always keeps her hair in a braid under a green helmet of deathly visage. Which is supposed to be green. How odd. Tends to wear lightweight plate or quilted armour, wielding a bow and spear and bone shield. Which is purple. That must clash horribly.

Tomb Barnaby: Very well, but what about the relation with the late ms Lilithdaughter?

DS Bones: None known. But the victim was a known manipulator and harasser, enjoying tricking and taunting others. Quite the troll, we have been told. It might be an explanation.

Gaile Stevens: The odd thing about the descriptions is that all agree that she passed here after the murder. But she is still supposed to have attacked someone matching the victims description, but with fire. Despite this, several witnesses attest to her prowess with lightning and poison as well. This doesn't make sense.

Tomb Barnaby: Oh, I believe it does...

Gaile Stevens: How so, sir?

Tomb Barnaby: The process of elimination, of course. When all impossible alternatives are removed, the only remaining scenario, however improbable, must be true.

DS Bones: And that is...?

Tomb Barnaby: We are dealing with an obsessed necromancer. She has evidently developed a severe grudge against Andariel Lilithdaughter and first slain her with poisons and physical violence - numerous stab wounds. The she must have revived the victim to be able to kill her a second time, now using lightning. After that the perpetrator evidently disappeared for a while. But now she is back, having committed the murder a third time by means of fire.

Gaile Stevens: Could it somehow be a copycat syndrome? Years before there were some gruesome murders involving fire and cold, believed to be a duo of partners in crime. There are still warrants for numerous offenses, also including several reports from commander Kashya regarding various degrees of immoral and unbecoming conduct...

Tomb Barnaby: Most interesting! I do believe we are on to something here. Perhaps the murderer is drawing inspiration from past crimes and desperately seeks to outdo the previous criminals.

DS Bones: If we are correct, she will eventually reappear to destroy Andariel using cold attacks, after having revived her one more time. We could set a trap there.

Tomb Barnaby: Still, we may have to wait a long time. And anything may happen inother places while we wait. If we could figure out where the murderer should b heading, we can surely catch her. What is the common psychological profile of a corrupt sorcerous necromancer?

Gaile Stevens: Educated, refined, but with a preference for old tombs and temples. Seeking forgotten knowledge, but still prefers luxuary and the company of refined and intellectual frineds.

DS Bones: That rules out most of the western kingdoms. But it could be that she is headed east towards Lut Gholein and all its neighbouring tombs.

Tomb Barnaby: That's it! Precisely as we theorized before. She will obviously be found in Lut Gholein in the company of a rich and influential acquaintance.

Maltatai: Having escaped Andariels repulsive musical taste and creepy claws, Rapunzel did as mentioned find herself facing the "rich and influential acquaintance" again, the nightmare of the desert. But unlike before, this time she had enough faster run/walk from her gear to outmaneuver and escape the menace! While fleeing down the sewers to get some breathing space between herself and the disgusting sultan, Rapunzel contemplated which of the two was worst. That is really the kind of eternal question that inspires composers and minstrels all over the world to compose songs and poems giving voice to the matter. One of those was the bard Jon Bovi of The Secret Cow Level. He was of course really called Jon Bovine but had shortened it to Jon Bovi to appear more modern and cool.



Stabbed through the heart, and I'm to blame
But she gave love a bad name

An arach's smile is what she sell
Promise me spinach but I put her through hell
Claws of spider, got no hold on me
When you're never caught you can't break free

I'm a loaded one, yeah
Round the lake I run
No-one can save her, the damage is done

Shot through the heart, and I'm to blame
I give law a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give law a bad name
You give law a bad name

Your famous name is on my lips
Poison green on your fingertip
A blonde girls dream, you act so slow
Your greenest kiss is your first kiss goodbye

Mine's a loaded bow
There's nowhere to go
No-one to save her, the arrow went through

Sick to the heart, Jerhyn's to blame
He give lords a bad name
I'm faster now and no easy game
He gives charm a bad name
His jokes lack wit, and are lame

Sick of this place and he's to blame
He gave wealth a bad name

I'll rush this part and continue your game
He gave sand a bad name
Sick to the heart, Jerhyn's to blame
He gave rugs a bad name
I want no part, and I'm not that dame
He gave robes a bad name



Maltatai: In order to avoid his repulsiveness as well as the annoying sun, you can always decide to invade and wage war upon the famous sewers of Lut Gholein, as vast as the whole city. And rather dry, even considering the dry weather. Poison works badly on most of the inhabitants though, and there is little life to leech, except from the sand raiders who are mysteriously found in the sewers instead of among the sand dunes. The terrain is good enough most of the time. It is a little wide but there are several narrow passages where you can bottleneck enemies. We have yet to see Puke Wolf make a reappearance but one very, very aptly named burning dead mage was sighted.

Still unwilling to drink, Rapunzel had to lure out Radaments pack to dispose of them outside of resurrection range. It was quite tedious but not much danger involved. The resilience of the undead did not bode well.

During the thorough sewer cleansing, a trio of foreign investigative fellows passes through the town asking several questions. How unlucky they are to miss the interesting guest that busies herself a couple of levels below! It isn't easy being a Detective Skeleton... Better luck next time. Over and out.

[Alwyn]

This is very entertaining, as always! I particularly enjoyed the detective-style investigation of the 'obsessed necromancer', the advert in the tattered pamphlet, the 'Jon Bovi' song (that name sounds familiar, somehow ) and the great breakthrough for Rapunzel!

[Maltacus]

Have you watched the Midsommer murders series (where the mentioned detectives appear in...shall we say original living form)? I can really recommend it for people that enjoy English cosy countryside crime shows.

About the pamphlet, compare it to the advertising in "Episode 17. Magic Finding Finals Part 2" in the first book... Holy Bolt is a skill for the Paladin class, damaging undead enemies only and healing allies. It is an extremely unconventional skill to focus on...and I completed the game in hardcore mode with just that kind of paladin (dubbed "cleric" character build by most players). My wife jokingly despises holy bolt because of the irritating sound it makes, so I of course raise the volume and cast it from time to time just because, and the advertising is part of the same internal joke.

[Alwyn]

Yes, I have seen the series (and like the reference). Thanks for the tip about the pamphlet!

[Maltacus]

Episode 16. Defeat

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Maltatai: DAMN. ¤#%&+*^¨!

The journey started well enough. Rapunzel was ambushed by a litter of kittens outside the very gate, or gaping hole in the wall if you like. The feline foe was unaware of the elementary physics of Sanctuary which allows minions to get to work while the leader stands safe inside the town limits. Rapunzel grasped the opportunity to practice the customary taunting and insulting of the enemy. Stairtraps work in the enemies favor but town traps are not as beneficial.

The fast and energetic beetles are usually much more dangerous than the lumbering undead but also far more vulnerable. Poison utterly destroys them, being a welcome change from skeletons and mummies. In tricky situations such as huge mixed mobs the preferred tactic is to draw out the living enemies and separate them from the rest, making the remaining undead easier to outmaneuver when no fast beetles or cats can run forward and corner an assailing skirmisher. The badly wounded beetle chieftain of the Stony Tomb had taken measures to guard himself against several forms of attack, but did not suffice against the remaining three damage types. Neither did his elaborate trap of petty revenge as Rapunzel slew him from well out of range.

Irritatingly enough, an administrative oversight caused a most unseemly consumption of one of the ornamental purple vases that people carry around to show how superior they are in that they never need to resort to potions and other aids of mere mortals.

The director of the Stony Tomb deserves a mention for his outstandingly thorough defensive measures. Alas, alas his efforts were for naught as they could only protect him from two out of six damage types.

Mummies are generally easier to hit than skeletons and they are slower and can be leeched from a little. They are still far more irritating to face because their poison destroys the valkyries. With the regeneration unhindered, the glowing gals can stand up to mob after mob if you retreat to recover and scatter the enemy from time to time. The obvious answer is to fight mummies with Peace equipped as standard armor and counting on losing the valkyrie regularly. That, in turn, becomes a hassle when the mummy mobs are intermingled with faster and more determined enemies that quickly cut through decoys and the low level summoned valkyries.

It is not really known how jedi knights play into this tactical equation as the only such individual present succumbed to more competent wielders of light arms before being able to really affect the situation. Or perhaps the individual was a forgetful and blundering buffoon who had lost his personal arm in a careless and embarrassing manner?

While the Stony Tomb posed little challenge, the Halls of the Dead did not. Hollow ones rose the overworked minions and sarcophagi spewed out wave after wave of dried corpses. The masses were generally slow and easy to keep at bay, but they generated no mana to speak of when shot at and with their resistance to poison Rapunzel was left with either immolation arrow or dropping the little leach she had to don Blackhorns Face. The policy of sobriety was looking to be a joyless grind. Doable, probably, but joyless and also without the opportunity to really let the elemental arrows and spears shine.

One can have fun without potions...she had heard.

But not in this dust-covered, sand-slugging dryness pit of a region.

One stair down was a great hall where dark wanderers were losing what were left of their...no, not there yet. But a great hall filled with urns and also packs of undead, such as the very fortified and annoying decayed mummy that where some sort of dead hardcore character only having made it to nightmare difficulty before rotting. Rapunzel had little space to maneuver and switched to her slowing mask to keep the enemies further away. After that and many more grinding battles and stupefying sarcophagi the halls of the dead were filled with halves of the dead.

The journey could continue towards spacious sand dunes and well lit wells with no water. In more peaceful times, surely some trade caravan would have packed a couple of the colossal cactuses to overawe the dimwitted mobs back home, but now they stood unmolested.

But then! Lo and do not behold for you can not see anything in this totally unexpected and unforeseen darkness which you absolutely had no idea was coming. Really. Luckily, some folks, such as ogres, are accustomed to live in dark caves or holes in the ground and other hovels, and paint their belongings in bright fluorescent green. The wisdom of such practices only falls to question when you consider the staggering amount of thieves and looters that would try to steal the ogres rightful possessions. Alas, the corruption of the world...

In addition to its repetitiveness and unoriginality, the eclipse event and subsequent foray into the lost city offers more disappointments such as plague bearers that do not stand their own plague but still somehow stands, and most of all dull and useless sages trying to impress the foolish with incoherent platitudes.

It is no more than common decency to put such pesky braggarts into their place.

At roads end then, lay the endlessly cursed claw viper temple. Home of death and nightmares and unleechable cold immune skeletons and charging snakes.

And this was indeed hell, for Rapunzel was immediately greeted by a champion pack of embalmed together with bone warriors and their guardian, and of course some snakes in it all just to make it worse.

Embalmed can not be poisoned, bone warriors and snakes can not be frozen and overall the pack is very hard to combat as a whole in an effective way. But the narrow passage does make it hard for them to reach the valkyrie, or more precisely for the embalmed to reach and poison the valkyrie which is what the danger is really all about.

Of course that all seemed too convenient and said vipers turned out to be minions led by a fire enchanted and stone skinned boss... The narrowness was the only thing that prevented them from swarming Rapunzel. Even if their knockback pushed the valkyrie and decoy back the latter could be recast and force them to turn around, and take pressure off the valkyrie. The snakes did however also come under pressure from poison javelins and misguided arrows and the blonde team prevailed.

Rapunzel was less than thrilled by the reception she received.

The rest of the temples first floor did not hold any comparable spots. But the place was enormous, and cold immune - and therefore unshatterable - bone warriors and sarcophagi together with the tough raising guardians made it exhausting. The undead by themselves could have been handled is a leisurely way, but there was ever the interspersed groups of rapid vipers ready to charge and swarm forward, forcing every invader to be alert at every moment.

Tense seconds grew to minutes, minutes grew to quarters and before the level was conquered over two hours had passed. A slightly cross-eyed amazon viewed the stair down to the second floor. She had passed it earlier, deciding to clear the first level first for the sake and sense of completion. Now that decision seemed more questionable with each step further towards the dark stair. A cold breeze blew up around the corners. It was dark and quiet as a tomb. Or was it?

There is something in the air...a faint hiss? The thoughts move sluggishly and narrow mindedly, let's just be done with this place now...

And for the millionth time, the chronicler and tactician forgets basic claw viper temple approach. No decoy casting and only scouting by guided arrows at the mound until it registers no leech and is therefore clear enough for teleporting, perhaps with a fancy amulet or certain bearded axe, how hard can it really be!?

A minion claw viper. That means the commander is not Fangskin but another master snake. But it is much worse than that. The snake is none other than the dreadful Black Snarl, the viper lord from the Halls of Vought that the barbarians Izzor and Wulfgar encountered and were completely frightened witless from and very nearly killed by! True enough, his speed, curse and fire enchantment could not possibly be more dangerous. The valkyrie can not stand her ground! There is no corner or urns to cover behind, and the corridor is vast and open. She is knocked back time and again in the blink of an eye and Rapunzel is getting surrounded, decoys being unable to halt the pack!

Trembling and shivering, the narrator escapes to a brief pause between a moment and the next, reviewing the situation. Rapunzel in a corner, trapped against the wall, cursed and with a pack of charging vipers heading her way.

DAMN. THIS.

So stupid. So insanely, n00b-levely stupid.

What now? Rapunzel has never had to flee before. Will all be empty and false if she does?

Is this where she will die a horrible death? How many charges does it take to slay a cursed amazon with her gear?

Deeds of valor will be remebered... The story ends...

No way! As shameful as it may be I am not throwing away Rapunzel like that.

Rapunzel: Are we done berating our mistakes yet?

Maltatai: No, of course not.

Rapunzel: Yes, of course yes. I think I should be allowed to decide if I am mad at you or not. Which I am not. I am just tired. It was tactically unwise to go down to the second level at all in this state, I should have called it a day and came back later well rested. The stairs down were not too long from the entrance. But with that initial stair trap you really won't look forward to having to wade a second time through the disgusting undead and slithering repulsiveness.

But I wonder if I can continue my quest now? Will the principal amazons accept that?

Maltatai: Why don't you ask them? Discreetly and hypothetically, so as not to risk revealing the ongoing evaluation?


____________________________________________________________________



Rapunzel: I have a question of...principal nature. If an Amazon wielding any, or all, of the elemental powers is routed and flees the battlefield, what should be the consequences for her?

Other Amazons: ???

...

Rödluvan: Well, hot chocolate and a healing potion?

Snövit: Or a cool drink if it is hot.

Askungen: Can we even be routed?

Rapunzel: I refer to the event where an Amazon would exit a battlefield or a dungeon to escape a pack of enemies that had proved too strong or the terrain proved too unfavourable for her. Is she thereby defeated? Must she...give up her career because of that?

Snövit: No, because she was smart and fell back to await a better opportunity and therefore survived! The only defeat an Amazon may suffer is death or a drive crash. Anything else is victory or a tie. And who made up the rule that you would have to lay down your bow because of that? I for one have no intention of obeying that.

Askungen: Also, consider the opposite. If we rout a monster, which we can easily do with such kinds of items, can we claim victory because of that?

Rapunzel: No, it's only a pause in the battle.

Askungen: Even in those cases where the enemy does not return to the field but stays in the corner to which it fled?

Rapunzel: Yes...

Askungen: Then kindly point out why the Amazon doing the same thing is considered defeated and beaten.

Rapunzel: It... But for us, the shame of having to flee like that...

Snövit: ...is the only thing hindering us from returning at a more opportune moment and mow down all in a barrage of fresh arrows and then steal every piece of loot within sight! So to hell with that.

Törnrosa: Indeed, the only worthy path is redemption through the righteous slaughter of all who would dare to think themselves your betters! All thoughts of defeat shall be drowned out in the fresh blood of the enemy of the light! As you have no doubt heard and been told about, I once had to retreat to save Floria from the heretical Zakarum Council closest to Mephisto. I paid for that in the blood of all new enemies congregating to block the passage down the second time. Through it I rose again as undisputed champion of heaven and all Amazons.

Askungen: That might be a matter of perspective...to say the least...

Snövit: At the end of the day, questing session and campaign, the only thing that counts is that you are the one ending up with the loot, your life, your quests completed and the gorgeous mariner in your bed. Then you have won and everyone else is a complete and total LOSER!

Rapunzel: Yes... Thank you for your time, esteemed delegates.

Snövit: ...especially those who would, say, listen by your door or other intrusive activities!

Rödluvan: I wholeheartedly agree.

Snövit: Mhm? You agree, do you?

Rödluvan: Certainly. The view is much better through the roof.

Snövit: Why, you... It isn't, is it? I mean, then it would rain through it, right?

Rödluvan: How would I know? Do I look the crooked type that would spy on other people? How can you even imagine something so scandalous?


____________________________________________________________________




Rapunzel: Round two then, I guess this is...

"CRACK"

"PING!"

"HISSS!"

"FWOOSH!"

"HSSST!"

Rapunzel: That was certainly...more convenient. No stairtrap and no reinforcements and no...thing of decisive usefulness at all this time.

Maltatai: By Amazonian standards this should as I understand it count as overall victory over the snakes. Since it means you can travel on and never have to set foot in their murky temple again I am inclined to agree.

Rapunzel: Quite so...but it galls me to no end about having had to retreat like that. What if I could have taken them? Portal up to remove the curse, then sprint through and to a corner when they charge the valkyrie, like Snövit did? Or perhaps hit and run with poison javelin throwing at the stairs.

Maltatai: Yes, that could have worked, I would even bet that it would have worked. You have a lot of defensive strength after all and in melee without their charge the snakes are vulnerable so there would have been a good opportunity to skewer a couple of the minions to create a gap in their line...well, mob.

But that is not really the point. That was too risky in the exhausted state after two or three hours of grinding undead and you are far too valuable to risk on such an ill-advised gamble.

Rapunzel: This does in one way sort of make me more representative. I am supposed to embody as many aspects of Amazon characters as possible and it sort of fits that I, like others, would find one situation I couldn't handle. I guess the claw viper temple is the logical choice, as it has always been the most difficult enemy stronghold to storm for us. But it does irritate me. At least now the perplexingly hideous parts of this desert is past me.

Maltatai: Ehm, not wishing to spoil your relief but that statement may prove to be somewhat out of alignment with how things currently stand in Lut Gholein.

Rapunzel: What now?

Maltatai: I think we can expect an imminent sonic onslaught from the widely known menace by some considered the head of state in these parts, who as we concluded earlier has had considerable time to consolidate the powers granted by his affiliation with a sadly not slain djinn...

Rapunzel: Noooo... After all I have been through...

Oh I rule the whole land, from a palace in place
Where the jewel caravans roam
It is golden, immense, and my charm is intense
Come in, enter my home

When the wind's from the east
And the sun's from the west
And the wine in the glass is right
Come on down
Melt and fall
On my pillows and call
For another Jerhynian night

Jerhynian nights
Like Jerhynian days
More often than not
Are hotter than hot
In a lot of good ways

Jerhynian nights
With Amazonian moans
Now lower your guard
I hold the trump card
In the land of the dunes

Maltatai: Oh, no... Poor arbiter ears... Rapunzel! I have an idea! Meshif has still not ceased neglected his scimitarical duties and we shall soon se the effects of him prioritizing liberal laying before djinn slaying.

Rapunzel: Aaaargh!

Maltatai: The predictable effects will provide a suitable distraction for you. Hold on... Wait... Three, two, one...

Rapunzel: What the...?

Maltatai: ...new djinn summoned in the vicinity if my calculations are correct. Where might that have... Oh, dear.

Rapunzel: No, you can't be serious...

Maltatai: Take cover. More than one djinn in such a confined space exceeds critical mass for clichéd power struggles...as well as singing duels...

Sultan-to-be, yes, it is me
Magnanimous Drognan!
Read my lips and lose your grip
Of reality

Yes, with a djinn for the win
Both staff and scepter I swing!
Say "hello" to your precious master-to-be!

So, our prince, turns out to mince, words most untruthful
Just a con, need I go on?
Take it from me

His personality flaws
Give me adequate cause
To point out that he is no longer alone
With a well polished lamp, not a day too soon
His palace brimming, with monsters, spinning
It's out of control, you see!

Abdicate, ex-prince-to-be!

Rapunzel: I can not for all runes in Sanctuary decide which one sounds the worst.

Maltatai: If there is an answer to that question I am sure the interest in it is purely academic. From a more practical point of view, that noise duel seems to have briefly distracted those two unwelcome elements and allowed you to get some rest until the next episode.

Rapunzel: Hopefully they will neutralize each other in some way until then...perhaps some form of perpetual mutual epic muting...

Maltatai: Let's hope so. Over and out.

[Alwyn]

'I drink to your imminent and effortless destruction', that's a great line! I particularly enjoyed the moment when Rapunzel is 'in a corner, trapped against the wall, cursed and with a pack of charging vipers heading her way' and the discussion with the Amazons which follows.

[Maltacus]

Episode 17. Hell Maggots of Several Varieties

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Rapunzel: Maltatai, come on now, that can wait.

Maltatai: Mmmm...just a moment...

Rapunzel: You are always so busy nowadays. What is it you are doing?

Maltatai: I am restoring the old pictures. They were stored in a vault whose managers suddenly turned traitors and demanded huge ransoms for continuing the service. I would certainly not have minded someone changing terms from now on and for all future deals but here is a promise broken. So now I am spreading them out among more vaults to mitigate the damage lest one fails me.

Rapunzel: But they are also different, aren't they? The pictures, I mean.

Maltatai: Yes, I have combined a lot of them to have a slightly more manageable amount. I have also added frames for all.

Rapunzel: And if you scroll very quickly you can see up to 25 frames every second, right?

Maltatai: Well, yes, I guess, but those frames don't work quite like that, hmm...how should I explain this...

Rapunzel: That can wait. We can talk about my adventures instead so I finally can get away from the slimy sultan.

Maltatai: But if you are here to tell the tale about it, then haven't you already made it past him?

Rapunzel: It doesn't count properly until you tell the story about it too.

Maltatai: In that you are just like my sorceress. Very well. Having survived the dark pit of terror incarnate of last episode, Rapunzel had the oozing hole of disgust eternal left. Which of course refers to the palace lower levels. But before that she had to explore the dark corners of the maggot lair. Dangerous bugs threatened her as if she was one of the faulty document managing systems that hamper her chronicler at work, but they could not stop her from crashing their system instead.

Now there was the equally slimy power figure to avoid while sneaking into his malfunctioning palace with ears and sanity intact. The night had been plagued by the echoes of disturbing noises from the palace part of town and Rapunzel had eventually taken a waypoint to the Rogue Camp to get some peace and quiet. During morning the place was quieter but who knew if that was not just a deceitful ruse to catch innocent visitors by surprise?

It turned out that the stairs were empty apart from the two guards periodically clutching their mistreated ears and staring with hollow and reddened eyes from the lack of rest during the nights power struggles. They just waved Rapunzel inside absent-mindedly. She donated a rejuvenation potion to pour into their ears and hoped it would help somewhat.

Near the stairs was a mess of misplaced furniture arranged to make a good scene for the respective megalomaniacal djinn clients outbursts and presumably the epic finishing duel for the crown. Disappointingly enough neither Drognan nor Jerhyn was seen on the scene. Rapunzel warily snuck down the stairs to the scandalously pimped lower levels. Was there something there? No, all was quiet. Or was it? Some faint…snoring?

Rapunzel moved forward. There! Collapsed against two piles of pillows and rugs were Jerhyn and Drognan, sleeping soundly and with their respective lamps having fallen out of their hands. The lamps were snoring as well. One of them snored and murmured something, as if the djinn was still thinking of the struggle against the antagonist.

“Zzzzz…you’re only second raaate!…zzz…zzz…”

Rapunzel felt as if she was wearing an outfit filled witht the largest topazes imaginable. What a stroke of luck! Now, what could she do about this? First she discreetly pocketed the snoring lamps. Then she carefully dragged Jerhyn and Drognan, still completely knocked out, onto the nearest mattress and arranged them with their arms around one another and a blanket over them. That should surely confuse them when they woke up. It was a pity she couldn’t be there to see the look on their faces. As an extra detail she gathered one of Jerhyns distasteful books – there were a lot of them – and put it next to the bed as if someone had read it befor falling asleep. After having neutralized the immediate threat to good taste and enacted suitably devious revenge against past and recent sultanian harassment Rapunzel could get back to business, more precisely the dangerous lower levels of the palace cellar. Lots of dangerous imperialistic statesmen (beings with much power but very small and empty heads), also known as the blunderbores, haunted the place but luckily they could be tricked by the not particularly sublime architecture and destroyed from afar. Rapunzel found it very suitable that such creatures would end up behind bars.

Rapunzel: The Arcane Sanctuary! Here I brought forth the two snoring lamps, and tossed them in the air a couple of times. But I must have been a bit absent minded, and forgot to catch them the last time, leaving them to fall for eternity through the black void. We amazons can on rare occasions become a bit distracted. Oooops...did I do that?

Maltatai: That is such a bimbo comment actually, especially silly since the game manual paints you as business-like and ordered people.

Rapunzel: Pfft! And is your assessment of amazons, given your cooperation with our people, that we as a general rule are "business-like and ordered"???

Maltatai: Point conceded. But at least you used to be exceedingly ordered, professional and business-like, though.

Rapunzel: "Looks down" You are right. I have fallen far from then it would seem...

Maltatai: What? NO! On the contrary, you have if anything become better in my opinion. And you are not your work, you are not in any way to be measured exclusively by your professional efficiency, you are your own person and if you have changed because you have grown fond of others you spend time with I can only assume it is for the better. Besides, look at your dear colleagues: Snövit is in no way a cold-hearted ice maiden despite the freezing archery she relies on, Askungen is an honest person and not stinking at all and Rödluvan...alright, Rödluvan IS a hotheaded, red blooded pyromaniac but that does not invalidate the point.

Rapunzel: "Looks less down"

Maltatai: Furthermore, name even one more efficient way of neutralizing the recent Aranochian megalomaniac problem than what was just witnessed.

Rapunzel: But it may not be quite foolproof. What if there is some sort of bottom of this void, or some sorcerer can fish the lamps out again some day?

Maltatai: By then I would expect even such lazy sloths as Meshif to have gotten out of bed and resumed their ataghan-armed vigil.

Rapunzel: Yeah, I hope so...at least the summoner won't summon them...

Maltatai: The Arcane Sanctuary presented only moderate difficulties but the ghost packs are always something to watch out for – even if they can be damaged effectively they can overwhelm characters in short time if you attract too many. Rapunzel did however have all that was needed to deal with the inhabitants slowly and methodically.

The Canyon of the Magi hosts scarabs and cats that are vulnerable to poison damage but devourer maggots are tougher. They are in fact usually the more challenging despite their lack of speed and offensiveness. The burrowing ability is rarely mentioned but it is one of the things that is especially hard to counter if you would run into a really overpowered maggot that you need to attack but want to keep your eyes on - perhaps hiding behind a minion or wall and then the pack leader just sneaks back up on you…

The tombs of Tal Rasha can be very easy and very troublesome. Poisoning enemies make short work of the Valkyrie time and time again. Not least the breath of unravelers. The most unraveled of them all, the legendary dreaded, formerly Duriel-eclipsing Kaa had delved deeply into the ancient horadric hieroglyphs regarding resistance and was truly well suited to take on magic users of all kinds…except poison users that threw a stick and retreated beyond his or hers range.

Rapunzel: One has to commend the effort none the less though. Just look at the length of the description of all special abilities, it’s like twice the normal unique. “The normal unique” might not make much sense though now that I think of it, it is indeed one odd oxymoron of the game.

Maltatai: I am really, really trying hard to resist making an obvious joke about how common morons abound as well, and not only oxymorons… Move on!

Rapunzel: The Sin Tongue has a venomous tongue but an even worse trap for those that would come out as victors – must be the assassin thing. Best to keep ones distance from such well-planned and prepared plots.

Now, Maltatai, this shako is apparently quite often mentioned among your fellow forumites. It is useful, no argument about that, but what is the story behind it? A harlequin in Sanctuary battling monsters? How would that be conducted…made them laugh themselves to death?

Maltatai: Perhaps not fighting the monsters but robbing them is what the harlequin intends. The hood offers a good deal of magic finding after all. What if…it is not really a “Harlequins Crest” but in fact “Harley Quinns Crest”! That would explain a lot! Clearly she is on a robbing spree across Sanctuary – obviously planning to hit the mule caravans stuffed with valuable items – along with the joker and the rest. Truly the fact that you regularly find all sorts of items except the ones you really, really are looking for is like a bad joke orchestrated by the villain. And there are lots of little bats patrolling the dungeons (bats are really cute) despite the unhealthy monster infestations – obviously they are vigilant vigilante bats on patrol!

Rapunzel: Hm… Are you absolutely sure?

Maltatai: Certainly. There can be only one logical conclusion. Indeed there is. And there can be no doubt as to what it is.

Here was a troublesome troublemaker that cornered Rapunzel near the stairs. Ghoul lords are resilient and persistent fellows and you have most success drawing a few of them out so you can overwhelm their regeneration and life draining without being too bothered by the allies.

Apparations had been absent for my characters that I had even started to wonder if they had been removed from the tombs. But no, here they were in all their ectoplasmic glory. Together with the resurrecting unravelers they posed a serious threat as well if Rapunzel did not have enough space to operate in.

Unfortunately for them, it apparently appeared that Rapunzels appearance was not a random apparition but came along with apparent planning and scouting and so the apparitions appeared to have disappeared and were thus disapparations…

Rapunzel: …

Maltatai: A much more celebrated lack of appearance was on the contrary when unravelers did not show up and the undead only had to be turned into just dead once. Although since they had presumably died once to be able to be turned into undead technically they perhaps had to be turned into just dead twice, but not by Rapunzel. Nasty and troublesome are the unravelers in any case.

The Gorebellies are both easier and worse in some ways. They are living and leachable and vulnerable to poison which is nice, but they are aggressive and hideously strong, and disrupts formations with their stunning and knocking back when they smite minions. As long as you have ample space to retreat, their gut feeling is one of defeat as pointy things congregate in their guts.

The leaders among these small brained bullies can be outright outrageously strong, with strengths and auras stacked you do absolutely not wish to melee unless you can use leaps or smites or whatever other means to shut them down and shut them up.

A rare elite weapon – not too bad and nice to see even if you have better gear already.

As you approach the slimy slug-maggot demon Duriel you will do well to take advantage of every possible aid. If you have the treacherous armor that can process fading when hit, a fire is excellent to trigger such hits, as every time you take damage from it, it counts as a hit and if you wear a lot of magical damage reducing or fire absorbing equipment the fire damage is not especially serious.

On the way to the fire, make sure to avoid using the cramped space between the pillars and the wall, instead of the obvious middle of the corridor, because the side area is trapped but the traps projectiles fly into the pillar and do not reach the middle path. A truly terrible obstacle…

If said fire has gone out one can always go back to the first Act and the ruined and burning building where the little demons gather to warm themselves in the cold autumn climate of the western kingdoms, so unpleasant when you are used to Hells warm and cozy embrace.

Annoyingly lucky antagonists like Rapunzel may even fade from sight on the first hit, just to add to the outrage caused by her unacceptable behavior – ruining the demons picnic like that. One should take one – at least among the small demons, reds and blues get along very fine and cooperate and support one another! Indeed, humans have much to learn in comparison.

Here it comes, the claustrophobic last battle of the second Act. Oh, and here we thought the self-absorbed human rulers of the land gave rise to bad music…

Duriel:

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid

Hey bro, take it slow
You ain't livin' in this video
My aura’s causing you this low velocity
No doubt, you're freakin’ out
This is what freezin’ pain’s about
You’re on a one way trip down deeding street

Now I know you'll be kicked around
I am the boss of this ugly town
When you get a swipe from my left arm
You bite the dust, you come to harm

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid
What ya tryin' to do
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid
I win you lose
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid

See, girl, it's your ending day
You have your foot well in that grave
Let’s see our soul stones tear your world apart
C'mon babe, tricks and bluff
I show the street you ain't so tough
Quit playin' around with a crippling, broken curse

Now I will make you bleeding red
Or shall I crack your fragile head?
I wonder if you’re heaven sent
Their foolishness is permanent

Prey, prey, prey, prey, on ammies
I’m looking forward to
Prey, prey, prey, prey, on ammies
Tear up your nose
Prey, prey, prey, prey, on ammies

Quite soon you won’t be walkin'
You know, I know
Your pain will be so shocking
You know, I know
My right claw’s mean
C'mon and scream

So, so, so, so, so painful
I give assassins keys
So, so, so, so, so painful
I win, you deed
So, so, so, so, so painful

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid
What ya tryin' to do
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid
I win you lose
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stoopid

Rapunzel: Foul slayer of hirelings! I shall slow you to a crawl, from maggot to a maggot larvae! And “ammy” is still slang for “AMULET”, not “AMAZON” you illiterate imbecile!

“Casts Decrepify from the Spell Steel”

Take that!

“Throws envenomed javelin, further adding the slowing from her mask and gloves to the decrepification”

For Askungen and Ip!

For Waheed and all the Valkyries!

“Changes tactics to melee after half of Duriels life has been whittled away by poison from a distance, in honour of those that fought him close”

For the removal of your disgusting smile from the realm now and forever!

Maltatai: Ha! Owned, sold and liquidated!

Well, and who would have thought? A worthy drop from a Hell boss. Redundant, of course (it is Duriel we are talking about after all), but still golden.

And look here who is back to work, finally! Now there will surely not be any more djinni incursions in the near future! And just in time to ferry Rapunzel across the sea again, such excellent timing. I cannot fathom how he manages it nowadays with his busy family life.


Meshif: Work, work…

Maltatai: At least Rapunzel survived the desert, and after all she soundly put Jerhyn in his place so the second Act was not a total debacle. Hopefully the coming areas will be less…no, who am I kidding, the jungle has six temples capable of creating the most horrible stair traps and then the ice caves of the north await with their counterparts, not to mention the vipers lying in wait…over and out.

[Maltacus]

Episode 18. Elected Errors

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Askungen: So, the prodigal chronicler returns. What feeble excuse may he present for his inattention to more important matters, we all wonder? And voted to ask about too, with every proper procedure.

Maltatai: The summer was insanely hot in my home, which we northern barbarians are unused to. It is said to have been the worst in over two centuries. Not made any better by the fact that the last year we have lived in an apartment with lots of windows facing southwest...and no trees or roof or anything shading the building...

Askungen: Poor you! Have you no fire resistance? You seem to live a more normal life usually - albeit with loads of weird stuff - so you would only need 75% to make a big difference. Is your wedding ring enchanted, for example?

Maltatai: Not in that way, at least. We are a bit backward. Magical crafting in my world is in its infancy.

Askungen: Ah, moving forward with limitless energy and exploring all new areas and avenues?

Maltatai: No, not really.

Askugnen: But that is how Mini-Maltatai is!

Maltatai: Oh, right, point conceded. The expression refers more to, like, an egg yet to hatch.

Askungen: ...wait... Not a SPIDER egg, surely?

Maltatai: No. Not necessarily a spider egg.

Askungen: Pheew! You said you had lived in that greenhouse effect place. Does that mean you have moved?

Maltatai: Yes, and now we have trees outside shading a little garden outside. Much better!

Askungen: Haha! You have escaped the hot scorching Act II and now you are in the Act III!

Maltatai: With...the giant horrifying spiders? There actually live quite a few spiders on the outside of the house now that I think of it...

Askungen: AAAAAAAH!!!

"Askungen runs away in terror"

Maltatai: Aw, they are not that scary...

Very well, someone ELSE who has moved form Act II to Act III is none other than RAPUNZEL who we will be interviewing just about soon! Ha! What a bridge1 What a transition! What a transfer, worthy of the silliest news presenter turning the casting over to the meteorologist (very useful when sorceresses are close and its raining meteors). And, here is the Whatever-the-clock news, no less!

Rapunzel has landed safely in Kurast, which is totally safe as everyone knows. Leeching and fresh life power abounds, ready to be assimilated! Nutritious fetishes and gnarly fiber-filled hulks for everyone! And then of course the poison-filled maggots and icky spiders, which are more alike, say, when you order a pan pizza with less cheese and more tomato and gets the opposite by the ignorant establishment. Which is irritating, but not worthy of becoming a retold legend.

Far more irritating was Sszark who was not Sszark the burning nut (I was meaning to write "but" here but mistyped it, however, Sszark the burning nut turned out funny too) Sszark the sparkling for he had loaded himself with the classic mischief of lightning enchantment and stone skin. His minions have been less notable and more chilled to the mandible.

After the chest-seeing eye has been released and able to resume its century-long rivalry with the more well-known sightless eye, Rapunzel has encountered many of the blood-sucking creatures living as parasites upon the jungle and its denizens, and even the societies of Sanctuary as a whole.

Look here! An Swedish estate broker attacking the decoy above the stone pillar! How hideous! Truly the corruption of Kurast is hellish to behold!

And this maggot, a vile namesake of the absolutely horrible fiend that Askungen and Ip encountered which was dual immune, teleporting and lightning enchanted. Rapunzel had less trouble with hers for she could switch to specialized gear to counteract the particular abilities. Glory to the wardrobes!

The nefarious spiders tried many foul tricks against the arbiter. Askungen would be even more terrified at the thought of the minion-disrupting Gut Drinker - preventing healing, cursing and spreading damage across the whole screen when hit. And Blight Pus, obviously being a degraded parody of green poison users, was meticulously prepared to withstand the elements while simultaneously punishing melee attackers with his lightning.

The same was needed when juicy flayers and slow hulks gave way to the watered down drowned corpses and the insubstantial yet substantially troubling gloams. Even with good resistance, those lightning bolts hurt. And one can not hope to leech back enough to compensate from those lifeless husks and wisps. Therefore, it is best to switch defensive measures entirely. Lightning absorption and regeneration is better than half as much magic damage reduction and life leeching in this instance.

Curiously, the smoky gloams are susceptible to the poison javelins, as are the big scary trees. Ooze Fang...that must be a carnivorous plant.

In Sweden it is currently no less than the election day and the bickering Amazons are of course enthusiastically debating the merits about this or that ideological standpoint or issue just to amuse themselves.

Rapunzel: Tell me about it...

Maltatai: Hello Rapunzel....I mean of course, welcome our special guest and general political expert Rapunzel!

Rapunzel: Have I now been opportunistically hurled into a base news reporting? I understand that I shall have reason to beware and brace for deliberately dim-witted questions and arguments intended to provoke short and provokingly generalizing answers to agitate and amuse the crowd?

Maltatai: Nah, that is more of the political television debate between party leaders. I was aiming for the setting with snobbish experts having a laid back discussion in a sofa to give it a cozy appearance to the crowd.

Rapunzel: Fine, fine...so your election day is the 9:th of september?

Maltatai: No, it is set to the second Sunday of the month, used to be the third earlier. There was actually a rather funny commercial from the Swedish election administration authority years back that pointed out that on this day, you had an excellent excuse to get away for a while, and showing various uncomfortable and awkward social situations. Quite witty and a bit self-ironic for an official organ, very nice indeed.

Very well, the first issue of today is economy. As any player character knows, economy is important. Without plans for mana financing you will likely fail miserably in forcing your policy on the enemy monsters. Rapunzel, how would you characterize the economical questions in the current political climate?

Rapunzel: It has not escaped my attention that the question is vague and imprecise to the point where it is really just an invitation to babble randomly about whatever aspect of the issue that strikes my fancy.

Maltatai: Sadly yes. Being a news show the Whatever-the-clock news has to keep itself below certain standards.

Rapunzel: You mean above certain standards...oh, right, television news show, of course. Very well, arbitrary musings from the arbiter.

Given the general importance of economical questions they are surprisingly absent in themselves. One of the most classical differences between the left and right wing politics is the view of taxation. Red views centre on higher taxes and higher official involvement to stabilize an otherwise rampant financial situation is golden, while blue views stress that private enterprising left to grow will generate such an economic boost that it, coupled with reduced costs in official involvement, will actually generate more income than the red policy. This issue would seem to be one of the absolute roots of any traditional left- or right wing policy, which your parliament remains rather dominated by even with the gradual centering during the latest decade.

But the financing is nearly only brought up alongside other issues, as a sub-argument reinforcing this or that standpoint that is closer to the party's heart. More funds to the police, extra investments in education, raised or lowered taxes to promote this or that important sector. But where is the great picture? Especially given the impact of the QUITE recent financial crisis's and the seemingly chronic risk-taking and over-loaning of the far too almightily important estate market. Would it not be in everyone's interest to take and scrutinize steps to prevent these kinds of royal screw-ups among the risk-taking, not to say outright gambling, of irresponsible decision makers and to determine just what kind of state support and investment has been and should be poured into the mess and for what revenue? A character with no plan for being hit by a mana burning boss is a FOOL.

Moving on among the inconsistencies let us take a closer look at what economical facts are in fact discussed and promoted. It is like most other things centered on the migration area - I resist the word "question" or "issue" as it consists of a number of major issues - which is without any doubt the main topic in this election. Here costs and calculations are heatedly mentioned as an argument but not presented. In some outstandingly curious cases it has even been stressed in debates that presenting the costs or economical effects of migration would be xenophobic. Despite the fact that the same group had also been pointing out that migration had a positive economical effect in the area in question. Very odd indeed. One of the - very few - facts that both blocks could agree upon regarding migration was and is that it represents a profound demographic change of the kingdom. Should not one of the first orders of the day be to analyze just what that profound demographic change will mean for ones ability to finance policy? And certainly questions can and likely will be disagreed about when it comes to how such effects can be calculated but not about whether or not one should attempt to calculate them and present the result at all.

To illustrate, opinions differ on whether or not sniping enemies from afar is

A: a viable tactic at all and
B: a concept that you can base your entire skill set, equipment and tactics on.

I myself tend to agree with A but not with B due to the many involuntarily close situations with claw vipers, temple stairtraps, Duriel and so on. But neither I nor the most ferevent propagators like the bowazons or the most stubborn critics like the javazons would even dream of discounting the importance of mana cost, damage type and leeching ability when discussing this. The idea that the publication of a table of guided arrow skill levels or a damage calculator would in itself be for or against either side is simply preposterous.

Environmental issues are, just like in Sanctuary, a ticking bomb that will seek you out if you are not very careful...

Where to begin, even?

Another striking similarity is attachment to ideas without a serious study to precede their feasibility. And I do not count situations when ideas are claimed to be of superior ethical merit, which can not really be studied and concluded, but claims that a certain decision or policy will result in a certain outcome. In my case exemplified by the irrational love of the Goblin Toe light battle boots that I have become infected by from Maltatai and many others. I frankly do not even need them but the thought of being able to use them is ALLURING! I mean, Goblin Toe? What cuter item could be imagined to spawn (except of course Boo the hamster)?

Now, which of the many examples shall we pick...ah, the deeply infected question of allowing private enterprise in the health or education sectors. If debates ever stayed on any sort of level of reason and objectivity that is long, long gone. There are now plenty of proponents of allowing or disallowing enterprising and profits in such sectors. But proponents of thorough analyzing of the situation and of thorough argumentation are a nigh extinct breed. Let us dive into the health sector to start with.

Is profiting on healthcare unethical? That question can not be determined by studies of facts for it is purely a subjective moral standpoint. However, if profiting on healthcare is unethical or ethical, then a number of things should logically be the same. A company selling healthcare at steep rates to those able to afford steep rates profits on healthcare. A doctor selling healthcare at steep rates to the hospital that hires the doctor profits on healthcare. The former is damned by the same parties that celebrate the later. One can ask why, for the logic is not inherent. There may actually be several reasons for making such a difference, but those are not being explained to the public which is only fed the rabid slogans that profiting on the infirm is immoral and must be abolished... Pathetic.

Meanwhile, proponents of the opposite course - often, at least - do not seldom point to the fact that increased diversity and the customers ability to choose will ensure quality in the healthcare as incompetent providers are outcompeted. There are several beneficial things with being able to choose between providers of ANY kind of service and to some extent it will certainly be possible from a patients viewpoint to weed out the idiots. But why is it that none admit any awareness to the inherent contradiction in that a patient, who is by definition someone who is unwell and not in his or her best shape and also by definition someone in need of medical care and expertise beyond his or her own abilities, would have the energy and expertise to provide...detailed and deep-digging scrutiny of an extremely complicated and technical profession? That is one tall order indeed. It can certainly be the case, that the benefits of opening up the sector to private enterprising and keeping it open outweighs the costs of inspecting and controlling the quality of services provided, but we are in that case talking about an entirely different depth of reasoning than what is hammered into the public in a manner which is quite...absurd.

Many paint their paradise goal clearly but few can describe the road leading to it...

Maltatai: Thank you very much, arbiter! Even in Kurast we currently see both a movement towards the center among political enemies as big stupid brutes converge on the stair in the middle of temples to trap and smash the newcomers and their uncomfortable ideas...

...as well as continued turbulence and stormy development on the far left and right since the arbiter was assailed by the immensely irritating Storm Wing!

Luckily the well known counter is quite effective if you can pull it off. First you must create a lot of space for tactical withdrawals and advances and then you must apply a great deal of grassroot politicking on the source of the trouble. Standing up and tanking the whole mob at once is inefficient, in both cases. Divide and conquer!

That will be all from the Whatever-the-clock news for this time.

Maltatai: Welcome back! About a week has passed since the Swedish election and the block politics situation is ridiculously cemented with just a seats lead for one or the other (the cast votes were recounted on one occasion resulting in a change of the lead position). The untouchable nationalist party sits in the middle as usual with none of the establishment wishing to ally with them but secretly adapting and adopting to stem the flow of voters trickling into their arms. Neither the left or right wing block can form a majority by themselves and the overtures being exchanged would make kindergarten sandbox policy makers embarrassed. One block (I don't even bother keeping track of which of them it was) extended an invitation to the other to negotiate which the other block stubbornly refused. Now the other block then extended a corresponding invitation to the first...

"We won't go to your birthday party, you have to go to our party instead! No, you have to come to our party and we not come to your party!"

The conviction of such stubborn coalitions is staggering. To get around the troublesome sentiments, one would be forced to break up the group.

Tossing in an environmental argument should do the trick. Just be careful that the falsely smiling, symbiotic, holier-than-thou politically entrenched media profiles don't explode in indignation over the pragmatism somewhere in your immediate vicinity.

Some people think that Kurast is economically stagnant and underdeveloped due to the last eras of demonic interference and current outright takeover but nothing could be further from the truth! There is a blossoming cultural sector - and not only blossoming due to the abnormal growth rate of the jungle - where, just to take one of many fascinating examples, the claw vipers are preparing to remedy their species dark and gloomy reputation by entering the over-choreographed martial arts movie industry! Director Dragon Jade intends to create a masterpiece in his own image, perhaps with the title "Burrowing Maggot, Hidden Viper", where claw viper action heroes slither through thin air with a large if non-existent middle finger raised against gravity and other mechanics of elementary physics.

The inevitable tourism that is generated by that level of celebrity will naturally require a substantial culinary and dormitory business sector to cater to the visitors needs and whims. One of the most fashionable is the Fit Hawk Wing Rice, a trendy far east (Kurast being the far east of Sanctuary) lunch restaurant with a focus on fit and healthy and nutritious versions of classical dishes, like the local hawk wings with rice. The lead chef is something of a mystery for he does not reveal himself in public appearances. However, there are subtle traces to follow for the enlightened. As you may remember from Törnrosas lectures...ramblings...the higher powers of the awesomeness of your choosing will guide worthy heroes on their path by littering the way with anagrams, words or groups of words that can be arbitrarily, but at the same time fated, rearranged to form new words which guide the reader forward.

Consider now the name of the restaurant:

Fit Hawk Wing Rice

Rearrange the letters with the aid of divine interference or Alkors late evening brew if you feel so inclined. What does this reveal about the chefs mysterious identity?

Icehawk Riftwing

True enough! Able to heat and cool the ingredients at will, teleport between the secret kitchens in the sewers and the restaurant and lastly strong enough to lift the biggest frying pans and kettles despite being, well, a slightly overgrown bat.

Mixing the carefully tested recipes with outlandish spinach is clearly not allowed. Look how angry he and his deputy chefs are! Then again, all chefs of note these day are wrathful volcanoes for some odd reasons. You never hear of the "firm but fair and constructive chef", the "kindly baker" or "The Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Café", nor has word of "Heavens Kitchen" reached anyone.

The overall movement from the left and right wing towards the centre has been a constant in the Swedish block politics the last decades. This would be a respectable thing if it was a pragmatic consideration of the need for rethinking old ideologies that were formed in a different time. Unfortunately the motivations lean far more towards spineless ever-changing policies aiming towards establishing centrist policies as ones own and damning all opponents as plagiarists and copy-sabre-cats.

In exactly the same way, the block leaders of the fire- and lightning-immune sides of the Council of Zakarum have entrenched themselves in the middle positions, each promising stability like stone, fiery drive to progress and diversity in the whole spectrum of each and everything. But the stability, drive and inclusion would of course be much BETTER than the other sides foul drive, inclusion and stability. And anyone that disagreed would be unceremoniously clumped together with the heathen outcasts in the marginalized parties, which were the legions of unspeakable evil and no policy they advocated or indeed voted for would be anything but tainted and corrupted for all eternity.

Rapunzel: Surely you are exaggerating, your disillusionedness? Certainly the Zakarum council is a nest of damnation and categorization but the parliaments of the northern barbarians couldn't be that narrow-minded, could they?

Maltatai: Not at all. You are familiar with the customary trading rules of the single player forum and their disallowed modifications? Anything that has come into contact with anything even remotely affected by such modifications is considered tainted and may not be traded. This central concept of taint is an absolutely perfect analogy to the prevalent Swedish political argumentations. Anything that has come into contact with the cast out nationalist party is regarded as by definition shameful, racist and practically contagious. Untouchable. Only after years of nigh ritualistic appropriation of the suggestion/thesis/argument is it cleansed from the taint and can be put forward as the parties own idea.

The situation was somewhat similar about two or three decades ago when the cast out nationalist party of that time, a quite more radical one than the current occupant of that position, to the bafflement of the established parties managed to put forth one or two ideas that were not at all unreasonable. Decision-makers of those days have actually recounted how they saw themselves faced with a dilemma of either supporting the suggestions and see the nationalist party gain recognition, or block them to see the nationalist party deprived of such success. They conceded that they chose the latter. Knowingly they tossed aside what was, as far as they could tell, the best decision for the country and the people just because the wrong persons had put the suggestion forth or would gain political points from it...

The situation today works in the same way, but with mainstream media joining ranks with mainstream parties more than ever. Imagine that you have three tactical advisors. If advisor one suggests wearing Blackhorns Face to counteract the dangerous lightning that we know will be emitted by Bremm Sparkfist, it is considered a sound proposal, constructive and beneficial. If advisor two suggests the same thing it is considered a reasonable basis for a discussion and negotiation with a rival but generally respected party. If advisor three were to put forth the suggestion it is treated as an extremist and unreasonable idea, and what if Blackhorns Face would become associated with advisor three? It was advisor three who said it, nothing more needs to be explained. Obviously the very concept of having a gilded mask is a condescending boot directed at the less privileged classes who are not allowed to even look at your face and should only be restricted to seeing your envy-inspiring golden visage that remind them of the wealth they are forever cut off from. Not to mention the black horns! Clearly they are a gross racist statement - this came from advisor three after all - and either the color of the horns must carry a hidden message of derogation if black is associated with nationalities that advisor three is believed to look down upon, or it is a snobbish message of supremacy if black is associated with nationalities that advisor three is believed to look favorably upon (asking advisor three or paying any attention to the advisors statements is of course out of the question).

Rapunzel: Alright, alright, point taken. Being a spectral arbiter unburdened by all coloristic prejudices has its uses.

Maltatai: Hateful and spiteful, the nefarious lord of hatred has fortified himself by turning his minions into walking landmines! Teleportation and fire enchantment, truly dangerous to just about anyone! First Wyand Voidbringer, who is also spectral hitting so he can make a career in the conforming council. He falls before he can get close at least, taken down by far away sniping.

Maffer Dragonhand also tries teleporting but he is positively fanatical about bringing down his prey with his claws. Actually, that is one teleporting you also do not want to land on your face!

Far more dangerous is however the blood lord Gut Eye the Grim, a walking bomb and with the mobile disposition of the ghoulish casters. Also stoneskinned and with the poison resilience of the undead! Rapunzel is engaging it, but the timing is crucial. You want to be able to run as far away as possible before the thing falls apart but you don't want to have to go back not knowing where the enemy is and risk running into it, possibly with poison still active so it explodes...

Rapunzel: Aaaah! It is nearly, nearly down but I dare not approach again. What am I to do? The durance lacks clear line of sight but if I sneak closer I may run into the ghoul behind a corner or get close enough for it to teleport.

Maltatai: At least attack Mephisto first, to clear away the distractions before returning to the primary danger here. Then you may be able to take advantage of the more open space when approaching the side room from Mephistos area north of it.

Rapunzel: That is starting to sound like a sound start. What is this strange message printed here, by the way?

1¨¨'ää

8 01 99+1++*

Maltatai: Mini-Maltatai typed it. Obviously it is some sort of secret code.

Rapunzel: Obviously.

Maltatai: As you all know, Mephisto the lord of hatred was the first of the three brothers to get his upper body out of his lower body (it got stuck in the soulstone somehow when he crawled out of it and into Sankekurs soul, and is still there, that's why he only has a loosely hanging spinal column) and start getting back into business. After hate campaigns that could only be attributed to prototype social media Mephisto had the whole Zakarumite church in his skeletal grasp, save for a few rebel paladins that were too lazy to get back in time to log on to their fakebooks.

So, the lord of hatred was secretly and then openly worshipped and the jubilant throngs blessed his vehement name. And through all the hellish existence they would continue to bolster his power of unspeakably terrible sound (like Marius felt a small but terrible taste of). Now Mephisto stood ready to deliver the full force of his voice, and it would truly be as poisonous as the green vapors around him and like unending needles in ones heart and ears. For his twisted Zakarumites had cheered so long at his name. And they would continue and continue to cheer. And cheer. And CHEER.

Rapunzel: WHY must I always come across these acoustic travesties!?



Mephisto:

My brothers have escaped yoooou!

If you could turn back time
If you could find a way
To get back before they left you
While I stay...bwahahahaha!....
I don't know why you think the things you did
I mean how could you change a thing at all
Hate's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't even try to hurt you
It just comes with the hate flow
I know I made you cry, but baby

Rapunzel: You did not!

Mephisto:

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
We'd be back to the woods that hurt you
Have you flayed
If I could reach the stars
I'd throw 'em all at you
Then I'd burn you, burn you, like you deserve to
I'd have you live on lime...

This world was shattered it was torn apart
My brother's fist was driven
Into its heart
That angel'd miss a door, we needn't care
His sword won't hit a darn thing anywhere
Much too bad accuracy, sorry
The target aimed for was all wrong
Was he blind, from a Woestave

How could he miss that stone
How could he threw that way
How can you toss your sword the entirely
Wrong way
If I could reach all hells
They'd laugh 'em all to death
Then they'd rip you, crush you, like you're used to, oh

How shall I make you deed (How shall I make you deed)
How shall I make you bleed (How shall I make you deed)
If I could hear you whine, oh baby

I didn't even try to hurt you
It just comes with the hate flow
I know I made you cry, but baby

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd bring back those snakes that scare you
IF I COULD REACH BLACK SNARL
I'd send him straight to you
Then he'd leap to, eat you, and be through

If I could find the time (find the time)
Before I end your play (end your play)
I have hate still left unused, I'd say



Rapunzel: Aaaargh! The horror! All that's missing is seeing Mephisto in the ridiculous outfit!

Maltatai: Be careful what you wish for. You heroes have after all systematically robbed him of all useful things imaginable...one is led to wonder what he has left...

Rapunzel: Yikes! No, he is still nude to the bone, literally. Onward! For my poor ears and the working environment of the legal departments!

Mephisto! Your singing stinks worse than your decomposed breath! Spineless (literally) diva!

Mephisto: You're too late hahahahaha!

"SWOOOSH!"

"BZZZT-BZZZT-BZZZT!"

"CLANG!"

"OW!"

"HA!"

Rapunzel: Yes! And stay down and be quiet!

Maltatai: Excellent! Now only the trapped blood lord is left.

Rapunzel: Oh, no... What if it teleports next to me and dies? How can you counter that?

Maltatai: I honestly don't know. Should you use a decoy or will it just draw the danger closer like with claw vipers in their temple? Maybe sniping with guided arrows is the key if you wear Blackhorns face to prevent its healing, but then you will be locked in place and it might be straying close to you and teleport, for sniping will take ages with that stone skin.

Rapunzel: Yes... Or...OR LET'S JUST SCREW THIS BECAUSE THE BLOOD LORD IS ALREADY CORRODED INTO A ROTTING PULP BY THAT LAST ENVENOMED POISONED JAVELIN! YEAAAH!

Maltatai: For the record, I wished you luck in your continued endeavors that happen to take place in hell, meaning Act IV.

Rapunzel: And so you told me to go to hell.

Maltatai: I did not.

Rapunzel: Yes you did, I heard you loud and clearly, lord captain chronicler.

Maltatai: This is silly and happens far too often. From now on Act IV shall evidently have to be called only Act IV and nothing else.

Rapunzel: Yes, that might be wise. It will be a little crowded here otherwise. If you tell many more people to go to hell like me, I mean.
Maltatai: The bowazon silliness can have a strong influence on the weak minded I see. Over and out.