[Diablo II AAR] The Misadventures of Diabolical Amazons

**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:07 AM

Episode 8. The Grand Design

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:12 AM

Episode 9. Bad Dreams

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:14 AM

Episode 10. Smithing Kind Amiable Virtuous Energetic Neighbours

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:15 AM

Episode 11. Character Development Builds Character

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:16 AM

Episode 12. Accumulating Angelic Ambiguity

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:18 AM

Episode 13. Annoying Zone

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:19 AM

Episode 14. Midsanctuary Murders

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:20 AM

Episode 15. The Gross Storyteller Negligence

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:21 AM

Episode 15 (second half). The Negligible Storytelling Grossness

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:22 AM

Episode 16. Arachnophobia

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:23 AM

Episode 17. Slithering Sneaks

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:24 AM

Episode 18. The Death of Floria

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:26 AM

Episode 19. Epilogue.... or something

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:27 AM

Book III. The Misadventures of One Untwinked Hybridzon

Episode 1. Rise of Rapunzel

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 05:30 AM

Episode 2. Nominations

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**Maltacus** · December 03, 2017, 04:46 AM

Episode 2. Rune the Ruin

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Maltatai: Now back from prying the pots and pans of the Lycander kitchen, we can all look forward to the next exciting chapter of the tale of Askungen.

Askungen: Yes, as everyone doubtlessly knows, being present and within earshot. Honestly, it's almost like you were addressing some sort of audience crowd listening from far away. Well, well, the green movement is open to everybody. We're a charming bunch, especially after I found a stylish beryl charm. Obviously protecting against foul pesticides and similar fruits of despicable crimes against all that is good. My own poisons are as previously mentioned environmentally friendly vegetably based warfare.

Snövit: That's the second time in not too long that you feel compelled to state how environmentally friendly your poisons are. A little insecure in our calling, are we?

Askungen: Bah! Not at all! After the initial meetings with the collective fallen and individual whiteling rogues my skills and fashionable new age personal development grew at an impressive and alarming (for the vile enemy) rate. Equally fashionable was the new suit of ring mail that I had gotten by mail order from Charsi. With the right touch (a gems worth of green dye applied before everything else) it looked quite promising. Just needed something for the arms. I got myself a matching shield, fabulously dark green. If one just had a suit of plate armour in that tone...

No point waiting more than necessary for that! I had heard rumours about a crazily enchanted book filled with mould that spoke of a tower hidden deep in the Black Marsh, obviously filled with treasures. The book was enchanted to never rot despite being left in the rain for ages and ages. Nor was it ever stolen, probably because it spoke the same old tirade about the tower every time anyone touched it, inevitably causing every listener or reader to faint of boredom. In there lies the answer to why the tower had never been properly looted before, I thought. And think.

Immediately after entering the dark dungeons beneath the ruined tower structure I recognised the foul smell of top-ruling and pollution. Reeking of neglect of natural habitats and meeting procedure, it was clear that I was in a lair of evil most foul and fearsome. So it would obviously be plenty of treasure and useful experience to be had at the archetypical climactic dungeon at the nethermost bottom! I found a nice little charm along the way to guard me against despotic governments.

Rödluvan: You... you spinach-brain!

Askungen: Along the way there were the most horrible creatures. Red goatmen of the community known as the Blood Clan. Bluish corrupted rogues in bourgeoisie livery, obviously lackeys of something terrible. An unholy al...

Snövit: Yes, yes, we understand. Please spare us legions of evil further explanation and proceed with the story. Perhaps to the part where you tell about the colour of the evil boss found in the lowest, darkest room of the hellish pit of terror?

Askungen: Ahhh, that's just a boring detail. I would not wish to tire my dear audience... Let me instead deliberate on how awesome the poison javelins had become by now. I mean, I could one-shot almost anything. Fantastic survivability (obviously, since I am here) when you just need to throw and then run like hell and count to thirty or so.

Rödluvan: No, no, no! Now get to the important part! Down to the vile countess! And what colour she might have been...like environmentally green? Stinking and slimy.

Askungen: I'll have you know that the countess bathed in the RED BLOOOOO-HO-HO-HO-OOOD of her victims. Very red.

Rödluvan: Oooo...K. So, like, "Countess, dead and loving it"?

Snövit: Can we get on with the story? I think the colour jokes deserve a little vacation for now.

Maltatai: Look who's talking. It's absolutely not like you and Rödluvan insulted each other by derogatory comparisons to red and blue enemies and annoyingly constant bickering about the lacquering of the valkyrie armour. Totally never happened. In any case, the countess was green as everyone knows. But contrary to what her colour suggests, she wouldn't have been very resistant to the poisons.

Askungen: I am supposed to be telling that! Do not interrupt again, please. Where was I...contrary to what her colour suggests, the countess was not very resistant to poisons. I easily disposed of her with a hit or two and much running around in her little audience chamber. Aliza was really smart here, and took cover behind some barrels. It was very amusing to see the countessly retainers struggle to come close to her. Hehehehe... (evil mastermind laughter).

Maltatai: Thank you for the fascinating account! Or, is there any more coming for now? I just assumed it was the end of this episode of the story since there was an evil mastermind laughter.

Askungen: It's quite alright. I think I will have a look at the barbeque table now - onward!

Rödluvan: Onward, mighty saladmonger!

Snövit: Forward, brave broccoli champion!

Askungen: I'll even bring a bowl of cooked spinach to throw at you two!

_________________________________________________

Maltatai: To pass the time while the other main characters are off debating the alternative uses of green vegetables, I happen to have a few pages from a journal to read out loud. It is decorated with lightning and stars and shining crowns on the cover...and inside there are some more of the same thing scribbled in the margins. And a drawing of, no this can't BE...with a heart around it ahahahaHAAAhaha! Ahem, let's see, here is a chapter that seems to be related to the time- and difficulty level-frame of the latest adventures of Askungen and Aliza.

Törnrosa: Minions! How they get on your nerves some day! I am SO almost contemplating sacking Floria completely if this irreverent behaviour continues. She said that I was just "caving for attention" when I was in fact mounting a sophisticated rescue operation to present a likeable front to the masses. Floria and I had been tasked with the dangerous mission to acquire the old note of Inifuss, hidden in a dead tree just an underground and a stony field away from the cold plains. Although "note" or "scroll" is not very apt, it is more like a poster for the whole thing takes up four entire inventory slots...two thirds of what a full suit of plated armour would! Surely this dramatic escapade would prove that matters of, well, everything of sufficient importance, would be best left to those suited for it.

The creatures in the stony field were hardly a hindrance although the evil rogues had degenerated further here and actually used bows against me. Bows, the incarnation of the unclean evil in its purest form!

Maltatai: Hmm, isn't that a contradiction in terms? Unclean evil in its purest form? Anyway, where was I...yes, the caves.

Törnrosa: Down underground there were sickly yellowish rogues (sickly because they had traces of red on them) and the ugliest monster present in the world: The Green Mishappen. Furthermore, the corrupted rogues were led by a horrible grassroot - obviously proof of the worldwide environmentalist collaboration with evil!

Along the way I found many neat little items and my charms have grown to sway more and more subjects to the true path. I have also taken to wearing a glowing belt just out of principle. Time and again I have heard that such properties are supposed to be regarded as useless and junk! How uneducated of the ignorant mob. But what can be expected of those oafs? Lucky they are to have someone like me to take care of things for them.

The poster of In-a-fuss activated the Cain Stones, opening a gateway to Cain. I mean Cairn Stones. There was a spectacular start with flashing lightning striking the green grass but then it settled into an anticlimactic red portal surrounded by the same blue lights as before. Then it was just as well that I had to enter the portal and get out of the place. Tristram was infested with murky skeletons, carvers and goats. A huge ombudsman of the smithing labour union kept approaching me so I eventually had to stab him to put him in his place.

Maltatai: Ombudsman is actually an English word as well. It is one of the more peculiar words borrowed from Scandinavia (but smörgåsbord-smorgasbord takes the price any day). It represents a function and tradition to be proud of though (scrutinising administration, courts and government on behalf of parliaments), so it's far from the worst things exported from back home. Perhaps Sanctuary should have such a function to make sure the Executive Amazonian Boards don't overstep (or overshoot) their authorities?

Törnrosa: I was given a worthless ring from the impoverished simple folks. It is scant compensation but I hope that these kinds of actions will pay off in followers in the long run.

During my travels through the fields and the dark park labelled as "forest" by someone devoid of any sense of topographical terminology I have come across numerous little shrines. This is promising, as religious devotion can sometimes be redirected in a more beneficial direction, but religious indifference is less useful. Curiously, I found some weird sort of red scribbling on one, one with a button marked "DANGER DO NOT PUSH". Those shrines seem more powerful than the others. There is something alluring with them. You are almost involuntarily drawn to them. Floria felt it as well, maybe even more than me. Glassy eyes, evident tunnel vision, an under other circumstances pleasingly reverent look on her face...

I came across a red sash at one point. It had an inscription "Death to those that taketh his sash as their own". Why would death need a sash? Isn't it supposed to be a cloak or something? No matter, fear of death is a useful tool for keeping control so I kept the sash. Perhaps it may become useful in the future. Lastly, but not leastly, I wield a stack of fabulously stylish pila, a heavy kind of javelin perfectly suited for stabbing as well. It is apparently named Storm Branch - THE stick to deliver lightning strikes.

If rescuing old prophets is not enough, what would be, I thought. Perhaps one should have a temple for submissive believers to gather at, or an office where bureaucratic administrative secretaries can gather to plot how to manipulate the latest gullible minister. This abandoned tower looked promising. It did however have two major flaws. First, it was not abandoned, it was already known and not just that, it was inhabited by the grassroots! Growing from the roots of the tower cellar, which shouldn't be such a surprise now that you think about it, the evil influence spread upward using the false label of a the sophisticated nobility of the realm, posing as countess. Second, the whole place was filled with skeletons (not animated) and coffins and other useless junk all over the walls. Where would I have the confusing state papers stored? The religious idols and relics? The secret registers of the political opinions of the subjects? The royal regalia?

While there weren't much room to use, there were some rather useful items there for the taking. Among others was a rather fine collection of runes. Some day I think I will have a fast bow crafted with some of them for Floria, if she could only learn to behave. No class, typical of the small folk. I did actually pass her a compliment at one time in the pits close to the monastery. Shouldn't that be enough?

Maltatai: Management and leadership skills are on top in the yellow "team" I see. Next time the two miscreants face the horrors of monastic upbringings and churchly education. Over and out.

**Owlparrot3** · December 04, 2017, 07:11 AM

Your story remained unread on my part and it is a big mistake.
Because its GOOD!
I like the journalistic writing.
I wonder if you would like to enter the MAARC.http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showt...issions-Thread

**Maltacus** · December 06, 2017, 11:37 AM

Episode 3. Charged Strike

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Maltatai: Thunder and unsteady weather are drifting in both at home and on Lycander. Clearly the thunder gods are in a mood and that is not so surprising given peoples habit of stealing their vigorous belts time and again. Perhaps such behaviour has led to them dropping their trousers before the other deities to the embarrasment of all. On the Amazon isles, our correspondent Rapunzel is ready to deliberate more on the subject. Over to you, Rapunzel.

Rapunzel: Have I now in some inexplicable way been drafted into the infamous Whatever-the-clock News?

Maltatai: Shocking, is it not? Consider it one of the areas an ambitious evaluating judge should study to gain the full picture and every necessary perspective.

Rapunzel: If I remember correctly my mission is to evaluate all the nominated skills and conclude some sort of winner in this peculiar elemental debate. I fail to see the relevance of engaging in these superflous witty squabbles and banter that appear to be the main object of this news programme.

Maltatai: But my, what an early and prejudiced opinion! I can't believe how anyone would jump to such premature conclusions.

Rapunzel: Fine, fine... "Ahem" This is Rapunzel for the Whatever-the-clock News reporting from Lycander where said lightning goddess or more commonly known, Törnrosa, appears to be sparking with frustration. While the division among her political opponents is obvious it would seem that the following basking in her saving grace and light and so on is yet to come. Not only is Askungen still adamantly defending the concept of debate and voting but Snövit has greeted all her obvious hints of it being quicker and easier to leave the voting and choice to her with exceptionally cold stares which Snövit is of course the undisputed master of, being a frost maiden. Although together with Meshif, so that character builds name is probably not the most apt description of her. Most disturbing has of course been Rödluvan who alternates between big eyed mocking worship and admiring awe and love of her and lewd and intrusive comments and suggestions.

Maltatai: In other words; business as ususal?

Rapunzel: Yes, so now feel the imminent drop in viewers and ratings for this programme.

Maltatai: Alas, rush to our rescue oh correspondent in shining armour! Grace the readers with some unnecessary details to embroider the story. Why is the communal and collective Rödluvan paying such attention to someone whose philosophy is that she should do everything herself?

Rapunzel: Well obviously just for the fun of being annoying, as usual. Let's see, what was it... Some absent-minded comment of how much Baals tentacles resemble scary snakes and, incidentally, how similar angel wings - which are evidently substantial and tentacle-like enough to wrap around the arm of a dark wanderer - are to those as well. And along with that various intruding hints and queries regarding the love life of said angel and lightning javazon. And Törnrosa appears unable to acknowledge the fact that Rödluvan or anyone else could simply be making fun of her. Poor Floria is caught in the middle giggling from Rödluvans antics and still deep down liking her protective javazon whom she maintains is good at heart, just overly obsessed with having things done as effective as possible.

Maltatai: Thank you for the enlightening description. Have you made any progress in the testing and evaluation of the nominated skills?

Rapunzel: I'm stunned! Are we getting to the point already? The age of wonders and miracles is surely not passed yet!

Maltatai: And here I thought four of those were more than enough...

Rapunzel: Now, pay attention! In my opinion javelins early on have no chance to reach up to the simplicity and effect of a gemmed hunters bow, in my case gemmed with topazes and a sapphire. I did however find a neat little stack of javelins that replenish and offer mana per slain enemy which seems suitable for poison javelin work. But that level six skill competes more with later choices of armament. Any thoughts?

Maltatai: Only that poison javelin is not allowed to show it's early strength, but Askungen has already displayed that and as said it will be the late game usefulness which determines the winner. What is the next step gearwise, since you are already decided on saving points until charged strike is available?

Rapunzel: The ruby red hunters bow and exploding arrows like Rödluvan. It will be a bit slow the last levels until I can plunder myself some Ral runes from the tower but there isn't very many alternatives this early.

Maltatai: Ith runes could be an alternative. Even after the Rals are collected you need to advance some levels to wield them.

Rapunzel: Hm, good point. What about spears?

Maltatai: Stylish but hard to get something that matches the bows. If you would use the early javelin skills you could of course wreak havoc supported by Tir runes from the tower.

Rapunzel: Yes, that would have to wait until I obtained charged strike. With shield and armour full of Tirs I would feel very smug and triumphant.

Maltatai: I would suggest dropping the idea later though, as tempting as such a temper may seem.

Rapunzel: And why is that?

Maltatai: Because it is to rely too much on one specific effect, which will be useless when facing a few tough enemies that depletes the mana pool before going down. A stealth armour is too good to pass up in the desert with the speed and Magic Damage Reduction against scarabs and unravellers unholy bolts. And circlets have the possibility to offer some respectable buffs even from the start...if you're lucky.

Rapunzel: Or be completely bland and plain trinkets, putting the advisor who suggested them in a very bad light indeed.

Maltatai: Petty details, petty details, as you fellows say. I stand by my suggestion to switch to a circlet in any case.

Rapunzel: Your wise suggestion of running bareheaded in a scorching desert is duly noted.

Maltatai: Moving ON...that is moving BACK to Andariel that is normally sensitive to fire in normal as well as later. Exploding arrows or charged strike up close?

Rapunzel: A tie, I think. Archery requires spending a little time retreating as well although melee requires blocking and hit recovery. Perhaps the archery wins by a minor margin here.

Maltatai: An suddenly time passes in which events play out just as Maltatai the wise sage has foreseen and we are back with a new special guest who happens to be...Rapunzel! What a surprise!

Rapunzel: Your sense of humour is sometimes as hard to follow as the slithering coils of the iron maiden.

Maltatai: That is how I always manage to evade and escape Telash and other mortal dangers of our time!

Rapunzel: That...does not make sense. Unless your existence is somehow dependent on your wit, as through a moderately stereotypical necromantic link of even more stereotypical unholy magic.

Maltatai: I certainly do identify the most with the necromancer.

Rapunzel: Sprouting foul language and having minions do the work for you?

Maltatai: What more can you ask? Also, a deity that 1: Is a dragon, and 2: does not interfere in the lives of it's followers but is content with keeping the world moderately stable. But what would Sanctuary be without it's amazons? Now let's go into detail about the great danger of the scarabs and their charged bolts and the striking contrast to their meleeing foe who...also unleashes charged bolts. But in a very different manner. Quite the other thing.

Rapunzel: They have proven to be a slight nuisance. The stealth armour is inadequate to repel the bolts. A liberal use of decoys has managed to lessen the danger considerably, allowing for quick circumventing of enemy infantry to reach unravellers and similar key targets behind.

The blunderbores are of course key targets for charged strike, along with the giant twisted apes.

Maltatai: Being in the field of law and civil service my head does of course overflow with knowledge of an encyclopedic amount of entities that are in all relevant ways comparable to bloated twisted apes and very large persons with very tiny brains.

Rapunzel: I will take your word for it, master, though I fail to see the obvious in the connection.

Maltatai: Much to learn you still have, my apprentice. Please continue your fascinating account of the badlands.

Rapunzel: The maggot lair has been surprisingly tedious due to the presence of scarabs and their lightning bolts. The arcane sanctuary was on the other hand quite rewarding with congregating ghosts and goats providing an ideal situation for area attacks. The only nuisance were the lightning spires.

Maltatai: Ever the lightning and lightning affiliated objects providing trouble in this episode it would seem... And now that I think about it, wasn't there some comment earlier about circlets being "completely bland and plain trinkets"?

Rapunzel: Collected evidence appears to refute that apprehension.

Maltatai: I foresee a slightly baffled look on the face of the lord of terror when sending out his firestorm.

Rapunzel: Such facial expression is going to be far from unique. I am pleased to have acquired a charm of cold resistance and Irathas gloves prior to breaking into Tal Rashas chamber. However, the gathered data I have been able to study is somewhat conflicting. While cold damage is mentioned as a danger, the reports center on the slime surrounding and apparently also sustaining him. It must be a toxin of tremendous lethality to prompt such rich description.

Maltatai: Hrm, I would suggest focusing on the cold resistance for now.

Rapunzel: Hmm...perhaps the poison will be easier to counter using antidotes after all, and the cold can be delivered by each strike whereas poison can not go beyond its damage per second regardless of how often it is reset... I shall heed your advice, master.

Maltatai: Please keep in mind that it is only suggestions. I am not dictating. Some people sometimes have trouble making that distinction, as weird and unthinkable as that may seem. Over and out.

**Alwyn** · December 09, 2017, 10:07 AM

This is good! (I'm amazed by the number of episodes you posted in a short time, it will take a while for me to catch up.) I enjoyed your use of adapted lines from the Rowan Atkinson comedy sketch 'Welcome to Hell' in one of the episode in Book I.

**Maltacus** · December 09, 2017, 04:17 PM

Thanks a lot Alwyn and Mad orc. Have you played the game?

I haven't been posting new stuff quite as fast as it looks. Earlier, I posted book I in another thread and this one contained book II up to part 16 or so. But the first thread contained a few smileys borrowed from another site where this was originally published and that site got briefly hacked. No big deal technically, sorted out in a few days, but it lead to certain browser flagging that thred as untrustworthy and with links ti sites that had knowingly or unknowingly distributed malware and whatever. So as I have been in the process of restoring the pictures for the story since photobucket went wannabe-ransomware this summer I decided to change this thred and post the whole story here.

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