Nephy Reviews Hyrule Warriors
The Biggest Mixed Bag in all of Hyrule
Hyrule Warriors is like an off brand of Premium Trail Mix. Occasionally you pull out high quality Pretzels and Walnuts, while other times you pull out dried jam crusted Octopus balls. Parts of it are delightfully tasty, while others cause you to vomit and question what the makers were thinking. As with my other reviews, we will start out with the best qualities of the game and work our way down to the worst.
The Good
1) The Concept.
The list of features in Hyrule Warriors sounds like the list of a perfect Zelda game that I've been desperately asking for over half a decade. Have a war erupt in Hyrule? Check! Multiple playable characters? Check! Graphics are obviously having a love affair with Twilight Princess? Check, Check, Check! Blood? Ehh.... sort of.
Apparently Majora is a fan of unnatural blood splatter symmetry.
Fundamentally, this is the exact Zelda game I have been asking for since Twilight Princess, sans the ability to direct all your incompetent soldiers in battle, shoved through a blender with extremely annoying anime tropes.
2) Graphics, finally.
It's no secret I have a raging.... appreciation for the art design of Twilight Princess. The more believable look gave the game that darker Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings vibe, and sense of seriousness that felt like a natural extension of Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask. For some reason or another, Nintendo decided to abandon that ship and bring us the exact opposite visual style in several sequels. It's been a long time since a Zelda game did not look hand crafted to be friendly and cuddly, so Hyrule Warriors goes all out embracing that art style that has been lost for almost a decade.... with a few minor kinks. The environments look expansive and believable (even though they themselves are physically claustrophobic upon examination), the characters for the most part actually look like believable, relatable people (with a few exceptions), and for the most part the enemies don't look like huggley teddy bears that just want to snuggle Link. The only kink in this otherwise gorgeous visual armor is some major, major wardrobe malfunctions.
Character designs range from well done:
It's hard to screw up Badass Midna.
to acceptable:
I recommend covering up those extremely vulnerable weakspots by your chest my Princess, also... tissue sleeves?
to stylistically out of place standing right next to other characters:
"DURRRRRR! I'm a silly idiot!"
to extremely soul crushing unintentionally hilarious:
"I think I hiked this thong up too high again..."
The Bad
1) Tone.
There it is.... that dreaded word. Whenever I bring it up, half my audience rolls their eyes at me. "But Nephy, Zelda doesn't have to take itself seriously!" No it doesn't, but it's at its best when it does... just look at the sales numbers for Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess. When you return kindly shut your light hearted trap, thank you. Hyrule Warriors is full of tonally awkward moments, most of them obviously unintentional. There is a scene very early on in the game that highlights this problem. Volga, one of the new antagonists, makes a rather flashy and imposing entrance. Naturally this is supposed to instill fear and a sense of dread in the player... the tone is obviously one of fear and dread. Moments after landing, Volga belches a puff of fire in a fraction of a second, making an unintentionally hilarious burp sound that sends me into a fit of giggles.
The price for being an awesome baddass fire dragon warrior is spewing comical flames every time I have gas? Sold!
The entire game is jam packed full of moments like this... obviously trying to play things straight and then something unintentionally hilarious happens. It's as if the developers were completely unaware of how their own attempts at being over the top awesome ruins what would have otherwise been awesome moments. Unless that's what they meant to do.
2) I can't put enough quotes around """"""Story""""""
Some guardian of the Triforce discovers the existence of Link through some blurry magical crystal ball. Within five minutes she immediately decides she is madly in love with him, sells her soul to the devil's right hand man, starts a cataclysmic war in Hyrule, and proceeds to dress in stripperific fashion while splitting herself up with the hopes and landing Link in unholy matrimony and bed.
"Let us observe as the average Hylian female begins their mating dance by donning a stupid turkey suit."
She's also super duper jealous of Princess Zelda hanging around Link, because she knows absolutely nothing about Link's personality, his desires, goals, motives, or even if he's actually a man. If this sounds like the premise of a 12 year old teenager's fanfiction to grope Link, it probably is. Whoever penned this "story" deserves a medal for out teenagering the teenagers. Everything after the set up quickly devolves into nonsense. Impa is suspicious of Sheik..... even though she technically trained her. Princess Ruto is there.... and promptly vanishes. And you totally forget she's there until she just randomly shows up later on. Oh hi Ruto... I didn't even notice you were in my army this whole time. I guess the "writers" forgot about you and remembered at the last second, thinking we were too dumb not to notice the major gaping hole. This is the worst plot in a Zelda game, bar none. "But Nephy, it's Dynasty Warriors, those games don't need a plot!" Yeah well this franchise supposedly built itself on a great plots and interesting characters, so if that quota can't be met, maybe this game should have never been made in the first place?
Director-san: "Scriptwriter-san, we are worried that Ganonjacking the end of the game is getting really uncreative and stale, perhaps we can work with you to come up with something a little more intellectual?
Scriptwriter-san: "BUT GANON SMASHING IS SO AWESOME!!!1111!!!"
Director-san: *sighs* "He's got a fair point..."
3) It feels extremely short and rushed.
Hyrule Warriors was announced in December of 2013. It was released 8 months later. Give or take, work on the game was probably started on several months before hand, with maybe a few more months to a year of planning at best. I'm willing to bet actual physical production of the game lasted only a year, because it really shows. The game is extremely short, artificially drawn out because of repetition. I've heard many people boast about the huge load of unlockables.... but they were acquired in less than a day. Really? That's a lot to you? Have you ever played Skyrim? It will blow your virgin collectible mind. The previously mentioned "story" feels extremely sloppy and rushed, and was probably given little thought as they made a mad dash to ship this game out in less than a year. It's a shame, Hyrule Warriors probably would have really benefited from an other year or two of polish.
4) Generic Blue Haired Vocaloid Miku Anime Chick who's face is proportionally wrong compared to every one else has an absent Saria's moveset.
How disappointing.
5) The Sound... Everything about it. Everything.
And here we are, the absolute worst part of this game. I cannot stress how often I have to turn down the volume to even pay attention to what's going on without either dropping the pad and laughing or grating my teeth at sheer annoyance. Virtually all the male characters in the game sound extremely constipated. Soldiers shout hilarious "I really need to take a dump!" yells every time to spout a line at Link. Link himself sounds like he's passing a kidney stone every time he swings his sword. Female characters sound like they are stoned on drugs and completely out of their mind high. As Princess Zelda absent mindedly stares into the sky casually swinging a baton around while giggling like she's on acid, I could not help but think maybe that's how this idea was started. Don't even get me started on this music. Metal and Zelda do not mix. At all. Period. End of Story. You are Wrong. It doesn't help when you blatantly copy note for note Gustaf Holst's Mars, Bringer of War. Mr. Holst is probably rolling in his grave, and I would love to join him in slapping the sound director up the side of the head.
At least it's still not as stupid as this.
The Final Verdict: I give Hyrule Warriors a solid B. Insane fun but ultimately shallow and meaningless fan service. Simultaneously the best and worst Zelda game I have ever played.
In place of deep and meaningful integrity and well thought out story, characters, and gameplay, Hyrule Warriors instead opts to shove as much fanservice into a single package as possible, no matter how stupid, insane, or completely absurd that fanservice is. The Zelda series is no longer what it was (and probably never was in the first place), and it's probably time the bitter people like me drop what we've held on to and embrace the utter insanity it has become. Hyrule Warriors is bat*** insane fun, at the cost of a sense of purpose and meaning. It's the Zelda equivalent of drugs: You feel awesome and on top of the world while playing the game, but at the end of the day it's just a high and leaves you feeling a little empty after it wears off. A nice fun twist on the Zelda series, worth the attention of any Zelda fan, but you'll be left wanting something more meaningful when all is said and done.
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Originally Posted by Link12
, but I just have one question for you Mr Nephalim, who is your favourite character?
