Extraordinary Barbarian Movie Reviews

**Lord of Lost Socks** · February 05, 2014, 08:21 PM

Hello gentlemen!

I'm Lord of Lost Socks, you may have seen me around here. I like barbarian movies. No.. That's wrong. I love barbarian movies. Actually, that's wrong too. I only love Conan the Barbarian, the rest are just highly amusing. This'll be my collection of reviews for barbarian movies and will be updated sporadically when I feel like it. To start it off, I'll start from the OC, Original Conan, Conan the Barbarian from 1982. This is my favourite movie of all time.

Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Movie Review by Lord of Lost Socks (includes spoilers)

“Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!”

Plot:

The plot of the movie centers on the barbarian archetype Conan the Cimmerian. Cimmerian’s are a warrior people that live far to the north of where the majority of the movie takes place.

In the introduction we are introduced to the young Conan and his tribe and family. His father tells him of the Enigma of Steel, a.k.a. the riddle of steel. When doing this he is referring to how man found the mastery of steel after a great battle between the gods, led by Crom(the god of the Cimmerians that lives under a mountain), and giants. Soon after this Conan’s entire tribe is killed by a group of men wielding a banner with twin serpents. Conan himself is sold to slavery were he spends his entire teenage years and early adulthood doing slave labor that hardens his muscles.

After this he is sold yet again to a group of men looking for a new fighter for their arena. Conan, strong as he is, survives better than expected and is rewarded with advanced combat training by his masters.

Conan eventually escapes and finds an ancient tomb with a throne upon which rests a skeleton clutching a sword. Conan takes the sword. After this Conan earns plenty of riches through adventure while at the same time trying to find the men who murdered his tribe. He eventually tracks down the men to a cult that uses the very same banner and is given a quest by a king to rescue the king’s daughter that has been seduced by the cultists. His friend Subotai and his love Valeria consider it too dangerous, but Conan driven by the need to avenge his tribe leaves alone in the night.

During his attempt to rescue the daughter and find information on the murderers, Conan meets Thulsa Doom, the leader of the snake cult. In a memorable scene, Thulsa Doom and Conan(who is badly wounded) share this great dialogue:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Conan is eventually joined by his friends again and by a new character referred to only as the Wizard and together they eventually take down the cult and rescue the king’s daughter. Valeria, on the other hand, dies in the attempt. The scene where the leader of the cult is killed is hauntingly good. Thulsa Doom attempts to convince Conan not to kill him, using his powers of persuasion the same way he had charmed all his followers. Conan does not fall under his spell and kills him, proving that Thulsa’s understanding of the riddle of steel was not enough to stop Conan. The cultists who consider him a god see his head get cut off and thrown down the stairs. Realizing how wrong they were all the cultists leave quietly grieving and ashamed.

Here is the final scene if you want to see it:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Visuals:

The filming is great and throughout the movie it feels like a true high-budget movie, especially if you watch the Blu-ray version. You can barely tell it’s filmed in the 80s.

The graphical effects for the most part hold up incredibly well, considering the movies age. There is only scene that I can think of where the special effects are a tad odd, and that’s the scene where spirits are trying to steal Conan’s soul. Otherwise, the magic in the movie is actually incredibly low-key, to the movie’s credit. There are no fireball-hurling wizards here. Conan’s friend, the wizard primarily performs only ritualistic magic, while Thulsa Doom does simple things like turning a snake to a poisonous arrow.

The costume design of the movie is also top notch quality, though the style might seem extremely 80s to some. However, this style was already set partly in place in the Conan art designs and was after Conan the Barbarian copied a lot. Conan is still to this day, the quintessential Barbarian. Personally, I really enjoy the costumes, they’re really metal, except maybe for a few goofy helmets, but even those I whole-heartedly accept.

The fighting scenes are for the most part well-choreographed and are most enjoyable to watch. The scenery in this movie is also beautiful and it really gives the movie a sense of scale and wonder along with the, for the most part well thought out sets.

Audio:

The soundtrack of this movie is in my opinion one of the best ever created. It sets the tone perfectly for “high adventure”. It is a great orchestral score created by Basil Poledouris and you should already be listening to it if you clicked the first video.

Acting:

The acting is perhaps the weakest part in the movie. It is not exactly bad. Arnold Schwarzenegger does a fantastic job as Conan. Indeed, it’s probably Arnold at his best. He fits perfectly, due to his accent and weak grasp of English. It is just what you’d expect from a northerner that has received no education and spent most of his life as a slave or a pit fighter. Perhaps the weakest performance in the movie is that of Valeria, simply because she does nothing to distinguish herself. It’s competent, but nothing special. The Wizard plays the role of the hermit extremely well, and I knew I recognized his voice from somewhere, and it turns out he’s the voice of Aku in Samurai Jack (among many other things), my favourite cartoon as a kid. He is also the narrator/chronicler of the entire movie.

However, hands down the best performance of the movie actually comes from the king, who only has one scene, but he performs it to near perfection.

Just watch:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Dialogue:

There really isn’t that much dialogue in this movie, compared to others. I suspect it’s partly because of Arnold’s weak English, but I don’t know. However, what little dialogue there is is practically instant classics. They are simple, but very powerful, and therefore easy to remember. Conan doesn’t philosophize, and when he does, he does it in a very down to earth fashion, fitting his character.

Here’s a selection of memorable quotes:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Conan: What gods do you pray to?
Subotai: I pray to the four winds... and you?
Conan: To Crom... but I seldom pray to him, he doesn't listen.
Subotai: [chuckles] What good is he then? Ah, it's just as I've always said.
Conan: He is strong! If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, "What is the riddle of steel?" If I don't know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. That's Crom, strong on his mountain!
Subotai: Ah, my god is greater.
Conan: [chuckles] Crom laughs at your four winds. He laughs from his mountain.
Subotai: My god is stronger. He is the everlasting sky! Your god lives underneath him.
[Conan shoots Subotai a skeptical look. Subotai laughs]

Conan: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

Conan's Father: Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Crom is your god, Crom and he lives in the earth. Once, giants lived in the Earth, Conan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Conan. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts.
[Points to sword]
Conan's Father: This you can trust.

Mongol General: Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Mongol General: That is good! That is good.

Epilogue: So, did Conan return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home. And having no further concern, he and his companions sought adventure in the West. Many wars and feuds did Conan fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand... And this story shall also be told.

Thoughts about the Riddle of Steel:

The riddle of steel is mentioned twice in the movie:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Conan's father considered steel to be stronger while Thulsa Doom considered flesh to be the strongest. Conan realizes at the end, that both of them were wrong, and that the true riddle of steel is that it is steel and flesh together. It is the will of Conan that could not be swayed, and the sharpness of his sword that gave him the power to cut down Thulsa Doom. This is the generally accepted "answer", but there are variations.

I always enjoyed imagining Conan at the end when he sits on the stairs contemplating his victory as him wondering what has changed. The only thing his quest for revenge made for his personal life was that he lost his love.

Let me explain. By killing Thulsa Doom, he set himself "free" of his quest for revenge, and also "freed" the cultists from Thulsa Doom's lies. But free to do what? Same things they could've done earlier had they the will to do so. Really emphasizes the futility of revenge in the end. Also, in the last scene Conan's life becomes full circle when he cuts Thulsa Doom's head off the same way Doom cut Conan's mother's head off, even with the same sword.

I could go on, about how the entire movie contains tons of symbols of how Conan is Jesus and how Thulsa Doom is Satan. I mean, you don't even have to look that deep. Conan is crucified and resurrected on the third day, while Thulsa Doom has magical snake powers and the powers of seduction or persuasion and a bunch of other stuff but I believe I've been rambling for far too long.

Personal Opinion:

So, as you may have noticed, I really like this movie. I’d put it as my favourite movie of all time. It is a bit cliché to modern eyes, but it’s cliché because this movie made it cliché. It’s like faulting Tolkien for being too generic. Keep in mind, Conan was created before Lord of the Rings was first conceived. Conan, in my opinion is equally ground-breaking as Tolkien’s work, though perhaps a lower class of literature and perhaps of lesser quality (assuming you care).

I recommend anyone who hasn’t seen this movie, to watch it. It was the standard that other fantasy movies strived to reach until Lord of the Rings was released and still holds up incredibly well. The worst case scenario is that you will find it incredibly campy, but really funny. Either way, you should definitely see it.

If anyone actually reads this I'll be surprised. And thankful and I hope you enjoyed it.

**Lord of Lost Socks** · September 11, 2014, 12:55 AM

Conan the Destroyer (1984) - Movie Review by Lord of Lost Socks (includes spoilers)

“Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world. Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, sword in hand. It is I, his chronicler, who knows well his saga. Now, let me tell you of the days of high adventure!”

Plot:

The plot starts off with Conan kneeling before an altar with his friend Malak, the thief, when they get attacked by unknown men. After defeating them, the leader of the attackers calls her men back and tells Conan that she needs him for a quest. Conan at first declines, but after the leader, who is in fact the queen of the area, promises that she can bring back Valeria, Conan’s girl from the first movie, he agrees.

So they travel to the capital city where the queen tells Conan that he is to escort the queen’s niece, Jehnna, to find the horn of Dagoth, their god, a.k.a. the Dreaming God. The niece was born with a certain mark that allows her touch, without dying, a diamond that allows them to find the horn. When Conan is off-screen we hear the queen and Bombaata, Jehnna’s protector, discuss killing Conan after they have found the diamond.

Bombaata’s mission is also to protect Jehnna’s virginity, since she is needed for sacrifice. Jehnna does not know anything about this, naturally. This comes as no surprise to anyone, since they’re all dressed in black and the high priest has a staff with a skull on it. Of course they’re evil. We learn that the diamond is held by an evil wizard. It’s hopefully clear to everyone by now that the mission is to wake the Dreaming God from its slumber.

So they embark on their quest and Conan sets out to find his own wizard, so he rescues Akiro from cannibals. Akiro is the Wizard from the first movie, who is mentioned by name for the first time. So, they start their trek toward the evil wizard and on the way encounter Zula, who is a Zulu. Get it? Zula pledges to fight for Conan, because Conan rescued her after she was caught raiding.

They eventually reach the wizard’s tower, but the night before they enter it, the wizard sends a magic bird and kidnaps Jehnna in her sleep. Conan and the rest of the party wake up in the morning and notice that she’s gone and immediately set out to rescue her. The wizard’s tower is situated in a lake and it’s made of ice. This is where it gets a little odd that Conan is not cold without a shirt, since the temperature is cold enough for us to see his breath. They encounter the wizard, who turns into a troll-orc and kill him.

Afterwards they follow Jehnna who intuitively knows where to go and find the horn in an old ruin. On the ruin walls it tells how Dagoth will destroy the earth if awakened. Either way, on the way out they encounter cultists who want the horn. They escape from the ruins, but not before Bombaata takes Jehnna and the horn and leaves them to their fate.

Conan, obviously, gets mad for being betrayed and travels with what’s left of his party back to the capitol. There he sneaks in to the temple right when they’re about to sacrifice Jehnna (who we are now told must be sacrificed so that the queen can control Dagoth). He fights Bombaata and kills him and saves Jehnna. However the ritual has gone too far and Dagoth is awakened, so they fight him and manage to kill him too by ripping out his horn. The movie ends in a classic movie cliché where the heroes are awarded their rewards by the newly crowned Jehnna.

Visuals:

The visuals in this movie are a bit mixed. The sets and the scenery is still top notch, apart from the wizard’s tower that is unfortunately pretty poorly made in some parts. The costumes still hold up to Conan the Barbarian’s standard of looking authentic but still rich with classic barbarian fantasy aesthetics.

The scope of this movie is for the most part much larger than the original. Whereas in the original they fought a cult with relatively little magic, in the sequel they fight cultists, other cultists, a wizard and a god. And cannibals. The problem with this is that the graphical effects do not deliver in all of these scenes. The fight against the wizard and pretty much all his magic looks pretty bad to a modern viewer and the entire set in that scene is also pretty poor. Dagoth looks a bit strange, but I can understand the technical limitations here, and the god does still look fairly terrifying and grotesque.

The wizard in all his terrific glory:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The fighting choreography is not quite as good as in the original either. Pretty much every scene with Zula fighting is pretty bad. She fights with a spear, but it doesn’t look convincing at all. Malak, “fights” with daggers, but it’s mainly him just hiding and stabbing people who are already down. It all really leaves you wanting Subotai from the original back. Conan’s fight against the wizard is not that well choreographed either.

Here you can see Zula fighting. As an added bonus you get to see Jehnna's terrible acting.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Audio:

The movie has practically the same soundtrack as before and it’s still very good.

Acting:

And so we come to the acting. This is worse across the board, to be brutally honest. So I’ll go through the most important characters.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in his role as Conan has deteriorated slightly from the original. He isn’t as convincing, and I believe one of the reasons could be that he has more to say. However, the difference here isn’t huge, and some of it is probably due to bad dialogue which I’ll discuss later.

The biggest offender in bad acting in this movie, and I’d be hard pressed to find anyone worse is Jehnna. Once again, her script and part in the movie is generally horrible. Half the time she is shouting for help, or trying to find out how to seduce Conan. However, the actress Olivia d’Abo makes the entire thing cringe worthy. It’s abysmal. If you watch this movie, you will notice this in her first line.

Malak, played by Tracey Walter, is also terrible. Once again, this is probably due to a bad script, but a good actor can overcome that to some degree.

Zula (Grace Jones) tries to play the role of a warrior woman, but once again just doesn’t manage it. Her fights are awkward and the way she acts is not believable. The entire effort to seem like a warrior is ruined in a scene where she spots a rat and jumps away like any old frightened woman (according to cliché) and is then laughed at by the rest.

Shockingly enough Mombaata played by none other than Wilt Chamberlain, a famous basketball player, does his job relatively good compared to the disasters above.

Mako, who plays Akiro the Wizard, is for the most part really good as per usual. However, one criticism I have is the opening speech he is responsible for. When he talks in the first Conan movie that intro is awesome and delivered perfectly. In Conan the Destroyer, however, the intro is not delivered with the same impact and seems almost indifferent when he says it. I have a feeling he had too much to say for the time he was given, forcing him to rush it.

Just listen to both of them and compare. The first one is from Conan the Barbarian, the second one is from Conan the Destroyer:

The rest of the characters do an average to decent job. The Wizard’s monologue lines aren’t really that impressive, but his entire character is pointless anyway, so I can’t exactly fault him for it.

Dialogue:

So, remember all those memorable quotes I posted in my Conan the Barbarian review? That wasn’t nearly all of them, and they were fantastic lines, I hope you agree. Now in Conan the Destroyer, there are none. There’s not a single line that I can remember that was good and memorable. Some were decent, some were memorable due to being bad, but that’s it. What happened?

Instead we get lines like these:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The one who wrote the script should seriously have given more thought to it. This is yet another black mark when you compare it to the original.

Personal Opinion:

The plot to me feels a little needlessly convoluted for a Conan movie. In Conan the Barbarian he had one task and everything he faced was Thulsa Doom’s henchmen, with a few minor exceptions. The wizard that they fight is completely random. We are told nothing about him, other than he holds the diamond. He could be the protector of the world for all we know. And after they kill him and try to take the horn, some random cultists appear that want to fight Conan again. Then they also fight the cannibals when rescuing Akiro. The worst part about it is that it would probably be alright if the queen turned out to betray him in a shock twist at the end, but no. It’s blatantly obvious to everyone except Conan & Co. that she is evil.

Another thing that always bothered me was that when Conan fights the wizard, he finds the wizards weakness purely by accident, which makes the entire scene feel like Conan just got lucky, which is in direct contrast to the earlier movie.

All the new side characters just make me wish we had Valeria and Subotai back. Malak is the replacement for Subotai, and he's just an annoying guy who delivers some slapstick quality humour to it. Did they really think Conan needed that? Zula as a character does nothing other than stare menacingly and tries to be strong. Thank the heavens Mako returned with his character Akiro.

You may have noticed this review is fairly negative. It’s not really a bad movie. It’s okay. This was the first Conan movie I saw when I was younger and I loved it. I still like it. The only reason it sounds bad is because I really, really liked the first one and this comes across rushed in the first seconds of the movie. However, it’s still a Conan movie at heart. I do recommend it, if you liked the first Conan. If you thought the first Conan was campy and funny, well, this is more of that. Regardless, you should watch it.

My god, this turned out longer than expected. Thank you if you managed to read it all.

**Maximinus Thrax** · September 11, 2014, 01:36 AM

Great work. The first Conan is also my favourite of all the three movies set in the Conan universe which were made in the 80s. Have you seen Red Sonja by the way?

Originally Posted by Lord of Lost Socks

The filming is great and throughout the movie it feels like a true high-budget movie, especially if you watch the Blu-ray version. You can barely tell it’s filmed in the 80s.

The first movie feels like a classic D&D adventure told using cinematic means, not to mention everything we see there was created without any stupid CGI effects. Every time I hear the expression "high adventure" the first thing which comes in my mind is this movie right here.

However, hands down the best performance of the movie actually comes from the king, who only has one scene, but he performs it to near perfection.

What else can you expect from Max von Sydow, one of the greatest European actors ever? This guy played everything - Jesus Christ, the Devil, Bond villain, the priest from the Exorcist series, did voice acting for Skyrim, and next year he will be cast in the upcoming Star Wars movie.

Moar reviews...

**Lord of Lost Socks** · September 12, 2014, 04:27 AM

Originally Posted by Taximinus Mhrax

Great work. The first Conan is also my favourite of all the three movies set in the Conan universe which were made in the 80s. Have you seen Red Sonja by the way?

Full confession. I have already written the Red Sonja review months ago, but never posted in this forum

The other forum just uses slightly different formats, so I have to edit it. Will put it up later today or tomorrow.

**Lord of Lost Socks** · October 13, 2014, 02:42 PM

Red Sonja (1985) - Movie Review by Lord of Lost Socks (includes spoilers)

Plot:
This movie tells the story of Red Sonja(Brigitte Nielsen). In the opening scene Red Sonja is visited by a spirit that gives her the power to defeat the evil Queen Gedren(Sandahl Bergman) who killed Red Sonja's family and was also raped by the queen's soldiers. So far so good on the barbarian hero cliché. Family of the protagonist is killed and now she's out for revenge.

After this the opening credits start to roll showing a man called Kalidor(Arnold Schwarzenegger) riding over open steppes to the music that you should already be listening to, already you get the distinct feeling that he is Conan.

The plot revolves around a magical object called the Talisman that has immense magical powers, and in the first few scenes Queen Gedren steals it from a temple and kills Sonja's only living family member, her sister. Kalidor who was riding toward the temple to witness the destruction of the Talisman instead finds Sonja's sister dying. Kalidor promises to find Sonja and bring her to her sister. She is found in an "asian" martial arts school practicing sword fighting and here we learn of her inherent dislike of men. Sonja promises to destroy the Talisman and avenge her sister, but refuses Kalidor's assistance on her mission and rides off on her own. Without her knowing, Kalidor follows her.

In the next part we are introduced to two people in a ruined city. These two people are Prince Tarn(Ernie Reyes Jr.), who is around 7 years old, and Falkon(Paul L. Smith), his manservant. The city was under Tarn's rule before Queen Gedren passed by with the Talisman and destroyed it. These tell Red Sonja that Gedren's kingdom of eternal night lies beyond a toll gate controlled by a man called Brytag.

When she reaches the toll gate, Brytag(Pat Roach) refuses passage, so she kills him and just when Sonja is about to be overrun by Brytag's soldiers Kalidor shows up and saves the day. They open the gate and Sonja rides off alone while Kalidor stays to kill all the soldiers. In the next scene by some magic we meet Tarn and Falkon again who have been kidnapped by bandits. Red Sonja saves the pair and they decide to go and kill Gedren together.

Gedren who can see their approach from far away using a magical mirror sends a storm at them which drives them into a cave. In the cave they are attacked by a mechanical snake monster, and just in the right moment Kalidor shows up again and together with Red Sonja kills the monster. By now Red Sonja is starting to warm up to Con... I mean Kalidor, and she tells him that he will only have sex with a man strong enough to beat her in combat. So they fight until both are too tired and continue their journey toward the evil castle.

Once there they climb up the walls of the castle. Kalidor goes first and helps Red Sonja climb and then they enter the compound through some tunnel that's on the top. Right when they get out of the tunnel, Red Sonja is almost killed, but luckily Kalidor comes out of the tunnel in the right moment to kill the bad guy. After this, they all fight a bunch of badguys and kill Gedren and destroy the Talisman which causes the castle to start to collapse.

During the escape Conan uses his muscles three times to create an opening through which they can escape. The entire movie ends with Red Sonja and Kalidor kissing.

[size=14pt]Visuals:[/size]

On the costume department everything looks pretty good. Classic 80s barbarian movie style, but they don't look cheap. Just an aesthetic one has to get used to. The fighting is also serviceable, though mainly relies on Arnold being Arnold.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The sets are also good enough, apart from the final sets inside the castle. The lighting seems way off, you only see torches and you'd expect a slightly glomy castle, but it's all too bright inside. The lights look like they're lit up by spotlights.

The snake monster looks alright at first, until you realize it's made of metal and the scene drags on way too long allowing you to see all its faults. Gedren's pet spider looks ridiculous. You can see it hanging from the ceiling.

Audio:

There's not much to say in the audio department. The above video in the first half plays the opening title music which is classic old-school adventure style music. The rest of it, is extremely forgettable. A lot of the scenes also lacked music. The entirely too long snake monster scene lacked any music at all. This is probably due to the entire soundtrack being only 30 minutes long, while Conan's was double that.

Acting:

Okay, so this is the worst part of the movie. It's terrible all over, but I'll only mention the 5 main characters.

Falkon and Prince Tarn are introduced as a comedic relief to the movie and it's executed horribly. Frankly, the movie would be made infinately better if the kid that plays Tarn would be removed. His performance of a young arrogant prince is awful awful awful.

Queen Gedren, i.e. Sandahl Bergman, who also played Valeria in Conan the Barbarian unfortunately does not play the evil queen part that well. At worst it regresses to a parody of an evil queen.

Red Sonja never convinces the viewer that she's this super badass fighter she's supposed to be, and just seems outshined by Arnold constantly. Nothing she says is believable. In fact, it's so bad that now that I watch the wikipedia page, she actually won a Razzie for Worst New Star and was nominated for Worst Actor.

Arnold plays Conan and does so alright. Not as convincing as Conan the Barbarian, but that is primarily due to the dialogue. All in all, the acting in this movie is lacking.

Dialogue:

It's bad, alright. And delivered worse for the most part.

Here's some examples:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Personal Opinion:

This movie is really strange. It has everything needed for a Conan movie, but it insists on having Red Sonja as the main character even though she's constantly outperformed by Kalidor. There are two situations in the movie where Red Sonja saves the day. When she rescues the two kidnapped idiots and when she kills Gedren. There are five situations where Kalidor saves Red Sonja. It's like they wanted to make a Conan movie, but couldn't, so they made a movie about a strong woman instead without removing Conan. I feel a bit sorry for how Red Sonja is treated.

If you need any more convincing of this, just look at the cover:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

That said, it's an 80s campy barbarian movie, and I have to say, they're kinda my weak spot. It's bad, yes, but it's funny bad in some ways and bad bad in other ways. However, if you've already seen all the Conan's, unfortunately, Red Sonja is the best you'll find. Along with the new Conan remake that's being made there's been quite a bit of murmuring about a new Red Sonja movie being made. It was initially cancelled, but now it seems to have resurfaced. So maybe in the future we'll get to see some of this.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Thanks for reading gentlemen. Maybe in a few months I'll write another barbarian movie review. There's so many to choose from. I've seen Seven Gladiators, Hundra, Amazons, all Ator movies and all Deathstalker's and seeing how these movies are difficult to get a hold of, I might do one of these. But if I watch something new, I'll probably do a write up of that.

Don't expect anything good though, they only go downhill from here. I've seen things.... And I haven't even seen the bottom.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

**Lord of Lost Socks** · October 17, 2014, 03:03 PM

Barbarian Queen (1985) - Movie Review by Lord of Lost Socks (includes spoilers)

Story:

Alright...

So the story starts, as is mandated by the genre (apparently), in an idyllic barbarian village, this time set in a tropical setting. The village is attacked by bad guys and the inhabitants are killed and/or sold to slavery. You know the bad guys are bad because they are dressed in black. The protagonist and titular character of this movie is one of the survivors of the attack called Amethea. The village was attacked on Amethea’s wedding day, and his husband was kidnapped and sold to slavery to become a gladiator in the evil king’s arena. So the motivation for the protagonist is to save her husband and get revenge for her village. She has some other female friends, but honestly I didn’t care much about them. I had to google Amethea’s name just to remember it. Basically they’re a band of 3-5 women on an adventure.

Spoiler for Protagonist!:

Spoiler for Evil guy! IN BLACK!:

So after a few bumps in the road and getting smuggled in to the city ruled by the evil by a kid who is the son of the rebel leader (this is the first time the rebellion is mentioned, so if it seems sudden, that’s because it is) they finally find the husband and discover that he is still alive with a few other villagers fighting in the gladiator pits. While scouting in the city one girl in the band of heroes goes crazy (or something?) and hand herself over to the enemy which leads to all of them being caught. Some of them are sent to the gladiators as prostitutes while Amethea herself is sent to the torture chambers. Eventually the rebels, the girls and the gladiators manage to rebel at the same time and kill the evil king and the protagonist and her husband are reunited. The moment the king dies the fight is over and the entire city cheers and the screen freezes and credits start rolling.

Spoiler for The bad guys are in black.:

I feel that the scene where Amethea escapes the torture chamber deserves special mention. Now so far I have ignored the countless rape/rape attempt scenes and flashing of boobs at any opportunity. This wasn’t particularly shocking to me since most low-budget barbarian movies are like this. They stand somewhere between soft-core porn and just a really bad movie. Usually they show boobs as much as they can get away with, but rarely much more than that. Close up, anyway.

So Amethea’s torturer is a pervert, and he figures that he is going to rape Amethea while she is tied to a torture rack. Amethea manages to free herself by grasping the tortures penis (this is off-camera) with such a death grip that he is forced to free her. This is was funny, but here’s the curve ball. Her hands and legs were all tied up and spread, so there was no way for her to use either of them to do this feat. Yes, the vagina death grip is real. I had to rewind to actually see if I understood the scene correctly, because only the upper parts of the bodies are shown, but yes, she squeezes his penis with her vagina and then he shouts : “Wait. Wait! Stop squeezing! Too tight!!”. I turned from rolling my eyes about another rape scene to choking on my drink at the ridiculous scene. Another thing to point out is that, and maybe it’s only my inner racist, but the torturer looks like a stereotype of a Jew. Make of that what you will.

Spoiler for Torture scene:

Thoughts:

The sets are very bog standard, but not necessarily bad. The city was actually fairly good looking, with lots of extras and clay houses. The costumes are average in the genre, which means that they are actually pretty bad, but not terribly so. Just uninspired, mostly. While Conan had sometimes ridiculously stylized and overly detailed costumes of badassery, these are mainly just various cloths and leathers. Obviously the clothing on especially the women is extremely limited. The exception to generic clothing is in the beginning in their tropical village where they put in some effort.

Spoiler for Costumes:

The acting is painful(ly funny), apart from the protagonist who at least puts a small effort in to it. Not much, a tiny bit. The most amusing performances come from the pimp who acts like a caricature of a homosexual and the torturer who is a basement perv. The pimp especially has the daintiest voice and just goes with it. The fighting choreography was also not remarkable, but not horrible either. The girls managed to put some weight behind their swings. There are some pretty cool shots too that work pretty well.

Spoiler for Ninja!:

The music ranges from boring 80s action music that could fit any of action movie of the era to an okayish theme that has some feeling of adventure behind, but none of the epicness.

So what do I think of the movie? It’s horrible trash that doesn’t have a single original thought. It’s what I expected going in, and it’s what I got. But I’m a bit of an oddity in that I appreciate the level of awful these movies achieve so I was thoroughly entertained. The only distasteful part is the abundance of rape scenes, or perhaps mostly the rape humor. I appreciate boobs as much as the next guy, and having a rape scene to provoke an emotional response is fine, I guess, but when it’s there simply to arouse the viewer, it feels a bit wrong. But these barbarian worlds are brutal and archaic, so they’re not completely out of place, I guess. That said I did appreciate the torture scene for its ridiculousness.

Here’s some examples of the quality of dialogue in this movie:

Spoiler for Bad pickup-lines:

Should you watch it, though? If you can’t appreciate the camp feeling of Conan, you definitely shouldn’t see this. While Conan was fantastic, this is a cheap ripoff (not the cheapest, I might review those later). However, it’s not the worst barbarian movie I’ve seen. You would have to try to find worse, though.

Stay tuned for a review of the "sequel", or something else depending on what I feel like.