How to make marriage/relationships work

[Amorphos]

How to make marriage/relationships work.

Here's a little advice for the future:

to make relationships work, it is necessary to literally 'make them' continue – to 'not give in' when all seams lost, even though it appears to be impossible at the time! It sounds simplistic and non advisory [you already know it], but all relationships go through a war period [pretty universal really [same with friends, workmates, countries etc]], after which there is a calmness that enters the relationship. I have found that you can do nothing about it when the war is going on and cannot also stop it from occurring. It is as if there is an energy between you and you will think that it will never end and that there is no hope, it may even go on for years seemingly never ending, yet anyone who has survived it will agree that after the war the relationship shall return to a peace, indeed one that will surpass the harmony that existed in the beginning manifold!

Like war, the only real way to win is to not divide. [otherwise the conflagration continues to another relationship].

When two entities meet and form a relationship, there will always be a certain amount of discord as the two join in a communal sphere, in other words; it doesn't matter what partner you have as there will always be difference.

[Sétanta]

Aye. I completely agree. If you want it to succeed, it will. If you stick it out, it will succeed. Hollywood, I think, has inflicted a degree of attitude about marriage that says "Divorce is acceptable"

[Katrina]

Well yeah, I can see this idea being probable when directed towards the crowd that seems to be taking divorce as lightheartedly as breaking up with a boyfriend, when many cases, if the marriage was a fine idea in the first place, all could turn out for the better with a fight for what you want.

Regardless, many other times, relationships cannot fix themselves with a fight, because, even if one person is willing, chance are, the partner will be immature and not ready or able to produce a mature need, want, reason, or ability to fix the problem. Thus, these varying levels and ideas throughout the partners who really should not have been matched up in the first place, causes unstability of a relation.

[gigagaia]

Like war, the only real way to win is to not divide. [otherwise the conflagration continues to another relationship].

And yet relationships are not anything like war. They are, in fact, almost entirely the opposite thing. The goal is to work together to solve problems rather than fight. Language and ideas about warfare cannot hope to explain the intricate nature of a relationship.

Marriages fail for so many reasons, and banning divorce is not the right way. Consider instances of abuse, both emotional and physical. Is it right to force people in such a situation to stay forever with an abusive partner? I would argue not. Higher divorce rates are representative of a lot of other issues, but not really a sudden increase in lazy people, rather more of a social enfranchisement of women, something I challeneg anyone to say is a bad thing.
A better way is to encourage people to get married later, encourage more marriage counselling before marriage and find ways to make counselling after marriage more accessible and socially acceptable. A healthy marriage requires communication and compromise and a heavy dose of maturity, things that a lot of young newlyweds don't really understand too well.

[stop-3]

Women make marriages work by having it off with any bloke they fancy (if said bloke fancies them). It is far more easy for women to be promiscious than the great majority of men (assuming non-direct-here-and-now-payment).
The great majority of men make marriages work by denying this reality. Even if the wifey does not actually have realtime-sex (haha) she would much rather have it off with a complete stranger (eg film star rock star etc) rather than the poor sap she is married to.

Hummm....I am not sure that this post is a positive addition to the notion of making marriages work. Unless you take up the cry 'deny reality'. Yessir, denying reality is extremely helpful.

[Amorphos]

Mudd,
yes, there are many societal and media factors that make people think its ok to leave on a whim.

Katrina,

yes, many relationships are ill-conceved, partly because no one knows what they want or at least what they will want later on in life. People tend to rush into the whole deep relationship thing, its kinda like they gotta have someone [for various reasons inc paranoia [don't want to be left out and single etc]]. Equally so i feel that many good relationships are allowed to sink into the swamp – so to say, because divource is somewhat assumed. There are many reasons why people split up, but to many are because we all have pre-conceived ideas about what we should do 'if' a given thing happens, y'know the 'I wouldn't put up with that' thing & similars.

Gigagaia.

And yet relationships are not anything like war.

um yeah - Of course not, i am referring to the times when they seam like it. In that period; again loosely meant, the 'bad vibe' tends to be on-off.
I agree that banning divorce would be a terrible thing, however divorce has been around along time now but people used to try harder, hence stayed together.
I find counseling to be patronising, how can an outsider really know anything about ones relationships. But i agree for some it is useful – certainly for the counsellors wallet anyhow.

Stop-3,

thats a pretty generalist remark. Reality for many is not just about sex – esp as one gets older, and i don't think 'women' make marriages work like this or that they are like that anyhow!

We are trying to take a positive realism perspective, rather than a negative one.