Sample of writing.

Posting it here to see what you guys think about it:

He walked down the ramp to where Vatine was standing with his arm round Tasiq. The city in front of him was not what he had been expecting from the news reports he'd heard.
"Welcome to Leria, one of the 17. Humanities glorious colonies amongst the stars" said Vatine, before turning and winking at Sadeef. "Well, thats the official blurb at least. In reality the colonies are struggling to find their place, the younger ones in particular. Humanity is trying to create societies on planets it has no history on, with people who can only fill so many of the niches needed by modern society. The colonies are dependant on the Earth still for survival, though some are near self-sufficiency. Each colony is developing its own unique culture, based on the regions of Earth the colonist came from. Crime is rife amongst them as humans struggle to adapt to life amnogst the stars. Planetary goverments to control societies undergoing massive, rapid change. The high morals and liberal ideals of the human elite, are being lost amogst the corporate funded colonies, and tough lifestyle on many planets. You've heard about Earth's red light districts im guessing? Well the ones on many of the colonies are even more morally bankrupt and depraved, or so the media says.
"No doubt they will all become thriving planets one day, but for now life is tough on many of them. This is a unique period in human history, make the most of it i say.

not bad. What exactly are you looking for with that piece? aAbook? A short story? A movie?
is it yours?

Yes it mine, im writing my first book atm, which will be the first in a trilogy.

As far as I could tell, since the blip was rather small, it seems great and I would be one to read the book. Keep it up. Oh, also, once you become a famous writer, don't forget us here on TWC. Galactic empires ftw!

First, let me warn you that I personally have no appreciation of the sci-fi genre so my eye may be inclined to point out things that sci-fi readers might overlook; I may miss the qualities of your writing.

I'm also finding some difficulty in criticizing this because most of what you have given is a monologue; its tone represents the respective character. I do think, however, it would be inappropriate to carry that tone through in all of your writing.

Obviously this isn't going to be the published form, but it does need cleaning up in terms of spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I'm not just talking about the most basic level of correction, but just varying the punctuation and vocabulary (It may be necessary to repeat colony, but amongst seems to stick out quite a bit as well.) more to enhance the flow. The flow does depend on the character though.

"or so the media says." This last line feels out of place, on one hand he's talking about the error of the official blurb, but then he seems a bit less confident in mentioning this. Also, is this reality Vatine shares about the colonies more or less something scripted he tells a lot of people?

I can tell that you have a vision of something, and that's the most important part. There is a lot more you could do even in this small excerpt to get it all onto paper.

Obviously this isn't going to be the published form, but it does need cleaning up in terms of spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I'm not just talking about the most basic level of correction, but just varying the punctuation and vocabulary (It may be necessary to repeat colony, but amongst seems to stick out quite a bit as well.) more to enhance the flow. The flow does depend on the character though.

I worte it on a piece of paper at work earlier, it does need to be fleshed out more and improved in terms of grammar etc.

"or so the media says." This last line feels out of place, on one hand he's talking about the error of the official blurb, but then he seems a bit less confident in mentioning this. Also, is this reality Vatine shares about the colonies more or less something scripted he tells a lot of people?

The mologue is Vatine introducing Sadeef to the colonies, as Sadeef has never visited them before. Its Vatines view on the matter, sort of pre-prepared for Sadeef. His views on the colonies are, well, a bit confused because the situation is a confusing one that humanity has never had before, and i want to show how humnaity struggles to adapt to it. This piece is not very repesentative of my writing, its just something i did earlier and posted because i wanted some feedback.

You said you wanted feedback...

Originally Posted by Lusted

He walked down the ramp to where Vatine was standing with his arm round Tasiq. The city in front of him was not what he had been expecting from the news reports he'd heard.

Passive voice is frowned upon unless you are writing a scientific paper. You can make your sentences much stronger by changing these first two lines to:

Originally Posted by Lusted Edited

He walked down the ramp to where Vatine stood with his arm round Tasiq. The city in front of him did not look as he expected from the news reports he'd heard.

Go over what you've already written and look at each sentence and see if there is a way to make it stronger.

Originally Posted by Lusted

The mologue is Vatine introducing Sadeef to the colonies, as Sadeef has never visited them before. Its Vatines view on the matter, sort of pre-prepared for Sadeef. His views on the colonies are, well, a bit confused because the situation is a confusing one that humanity has never had before, and i want to show how humnaity struggles to adapt to it. This piece is not very repesentative of my writing, its just something i did earlier and posted because i wanted some feedback.

There are two issues with your second paragraph that can be solved in a variety of ways. The first one is that it does not feel like dialogue. I do not feel like someone is talking. The way people write and the way people talk are governed by very different things - sentences versus utterances. If you want to get a better feel for dialogue, read plays or screenplays and see how they mimick speech patterns made by people.

You can get away with more of a monologue feel *if* you change it from "Let me explain to you, the reader, everything you need to know about X" to "Let me rant and ramble, somehow digressing into important points you need to be familiar with but leave most of it unexplained." Right now you are telling the reader what is going on, rather than letting him/her discover it. I understand the premise is to tell another character of things s/he has never experienced, but that person *would* have some preconcieved notions or understandings of the colonies. Find out what Sadeef would already know, or thinks s/he knows, and play on that. It makes it much more interesting to read.

That is a trap im trying not to fall into, the explaining everything but make it a monolgue to a charcter thing. Ill probably have it with Vatine asking Sadeef what he knows abou the colonies, then going off into a rant about important stuff and random stuff.

an yeah, it needs redoing, it was written whilst i was having a burst of inspiration. Consider it very much a rough draft, just written whilst the ideas were still in my head.

Good comments, Gwen. - and good luck, Lusted

Fiction writing is a hard taskmaster. My biggest tip would be to avoid cliche like the plague: it is *very* hard to be original with sci-fi. Think about taking it from a new angle. Just my two penny's worth.

Originally Posted by Lusted

That is a trap im trying not to fall into, the explaining everything but make it a monolgue to a charcter thing. Ill probably have it with Vatine asking Sadeef what he knows abou the colonies, then going off into a rant about important stuff and random stuff.

Everyone has the problem of figuring out how to use the "Show, don't tell" in writing. When I write it is always a hit or miss on whether I've gotten it, but once you've trained your eye for it, when you reread your own work you'll be able to figure out which parts don't work, and which do.

Monologues are hard to do. I would suggest breaking up the dialogue and then lead INTO a monologue, rather than begin with one. Start with an actual conversation - don't be afraid if the conversationt akes up half a page before it gets to the meat of what you are trying to tell. Everything leading up to it will tell the reader more about the characters, their relationship to each other, their mannerisms, and the environment they are in. It's all those things (relationship, mannerism/customs, environment) that make up the "show" part in explaining the world you are trying to create to the reader. By the time you've gotten to the monologue, the reader has already been bought on the whole idea of this world existing, but only because you showed its rules functioning between two characters.

Well this is going to be a way into the book so the relationship between the characters and setting will already be quite well known. This is not the beginning of the book.

Originally Posted by Lusted

Well this is going to be a way into the book so the relationship between the characters and setting will already be quite well known. This is not the beginning of the book.

My point still stands. Break up the monologue by leading into it with dialogue so the reader is grounded in the moment. Even if the relationships and setting are quite well known, that does not mean they are fully known, and a good writer would keep something from the reader at all times to use later. Your characters never stop developing.

Well the situation would have been led up to with a conversation about how Sadeef is feeling about his first landing on another planet, and ill set up the moment well. Ill write some more to expand the sample above so you can see what i mean.

im not trying to shoot you down or anything, but coming from a fellow writer and sci-fi fan, this story concept has been done before many times. Colonies... emerging worlds... so forth. What is going to be different about this story from other "earth colony" stories?

Also, this character introduction and story summation seems a bit rushed:

"Welcome to Leria, one of the 17. Humanities glorious colonies amongst the stars" said Vatine, before turning and winking at Sadeef. "Well, thats the official blurb at least. In reality the colonies are struggling to find their place, the younger ones in particular. Humanity is trying to create societies on planets it has no history on, with people who can....

Who actually speaks like this? At first meeting, it should be more of a greeting and less of a history lesson. The guy hasnt even shook his hand yet but he's read to say in one breath...

Each colony is developing its own unique culture, based on the regions of Earth the colonist came from. Crime is rife amongst them as humans struggle to adapt to life amnogst the stars. Planetary goverments to control societies undergoing massive, rapid change. The high morals and liberal ideals of the human elite, are being lost amogst the corporate funded colonies, and tough lifestyle on many planets. You've heard about Earth's red light districts im guessing? Well the ones on many of the colonies are even more morally bankrupt and depraved, or so the media says.
"No doubt they will all become thriving planets one day, but for now life is tough on many of them. This is a unique period in human history, make the most of it i say.

Maybe have him greet him. Then describe the surroundings as he is being taken to his dorm or barracks or hotel or whatever... maybe even a bar. Then have a sort of question and answer dialogue between the two characters. Im not trying to tell you how to write it though. As yousaid, this is just a quick draft, but I wouldnt leave it like this.

Sadeef has been travelling on the same ship as Vatine to the colonies. That is not the 2 characters meeting, but Vatine introducing Sadeef to the colonies.

Oh, and i haven't revealed my storyline yet, so don't judge it based on that one extract.

thats cool then. I misread it. Oh, and good idea about not giving away any plot info. I have found that telling people about your story diminishes you desire to write it.

Im more driven by a firecly protective instinct, i don't want anyone to steal my story.

Another good reason not to tell people. Im the same way.

Well the Para wasnt enough to personally give me any indication but writing a book at our age is very hard. I look back at a piece I wrote two years ago and find it immature and so on, in two years I will probably feel the same. Dont just start chapter one, I know of only one writer who did that, and even then he continually restarted the work, obviously Tolkien, and knowing this you'll notice a variation in style from start to finish indicative of a certain lack of planing.

Every book must have a character who is changed, one dimentional characters never work, they arent real. You must flesh out a general symopsis and then insert themes, generate a flow and craft every sentence in such a way as to give debth.

I find the above very hard which is why I have stopped writing for now.