landoverbaptist.net

[4p3x]

Wow! Hilarious that these people even exist!

That’s it. I’m packing up and moving to Europe!

----------------------

This has got to be a joke site!

!!ROTFL!!


http://www.landoverbaptist.net/forums/index.php?

[carl-the-conqueror]

i thought people like this were jokes made to exxagerrate the over the top stereotypical bible bashing american attitude to the bible

[imb39]

I wonder if anyone has registered as Satan?

I must admit, I looked and chuckled... Quite a lot actually. I sincerely hope it is a joke site.

[Tom Paine]

What... the? Christian Singles? A dating section? That marks a diversion form normal Church doctrine surely? And this section is beyond belief: False Religions and Cults: Catholics, Wiccans, Lutherans, Satanists, Mormons, and more!

[LegionnaireX]

I have a feeling that site may be a joke. I've been all over the United States and have spent much time in the bible belt but have never come across people that retarded.

[Tom Paine]

Oh I don't know. Westboro Baptist Church is pretty close. Warning; offensive. Extremely so.

[Søren]

Oh I don't know. Westboro Baptist Church is pretty close. Warning; offensive. Extremely so.

LandoverBaptist.net is a parody.

An amusing one, but only a parody.

[Legio XX Valeria Victrix]

Oh I don't know. Westboro Baptist Church is pretty close. Warning; offensive. Extremely so.

Wow...that is the most offensive site I think I've ever seen...

The pictures of children with GodHatesFags.com t-shirts on made me want to hurt someone. That is frigging terrible...

[Tom Paine]

As I said; it was "beyond belief". Unluckily, Westboro isn't a parody.

[shenmueguru]

That better be a parody. Even if it is, it's still sick to joke about that stuff.

[MaximiIian]

It's not a parody. I honestly have met people that incomprensibly stupid.
Funny site, though. Retarded, but funny.

[Shaun]

The sad thing is when they try and debunk evolution, they cant even spell it right! 'Evilition'! What a bunch of idiots!

[LegionnaireX]

The sad thing is when they try and debunk evolution, they cant even spell it right! 'Evilition'! What a bunch of idiots!

Its not really a spelling mistake. Many hardliner biblical literalists spell it "evilution" because they believe it is "evil." Make sense?

[IronBrig4]

Landover Baptist is a satire, but it really is hard to tell the different between them and genuine religious fanatics in the US.

[Shaun]

Its not really a spelling mistake. Many hardliner biblical literalists spell it "evilution" because they believe it is "evil." Make sense?

Cool, so I can basically change the spelling of something I disagree with to suit me?

Please, don't troll. Thanks.

[Romanos]

Oh my God read these A,B,C ,D its complete idiotic bs I mean look at these thread this Pastor Ezekiel is a complete dick.

[LegionnaireX]

Cool, so I can basically change the spelling of something I disagree with to suit me?

Please, don't troll. Thanks.

I didn't say I did that, I said they did that. They think evolution is evil, so they spell it evilution.

Oh and thanks for whatever uneccessary and offensive comments you made toward me for no particular reason. That was much appreciated.

[DarkGhost89]

While the main site is likely satire (at least Wikipedia says so...), I don't like that guys in the forums are faking it...

[DarkKnight]

You guys can't tell blatant satire when it is right in front of your face? The entire Landover Baptist website is satire, and the forum is athiests making fun of fundamentalists. To add to the satire, they all pretend that they truely are christians. Its the same thing as the FSM people. Do those people really believe in the FSM?

Just read some of the posts, its blatantly obvious. This one is this guys favorite bible story:

My favorite bible story is when JESUS had to escort that one guy from Final Destination 2 to LA to testify against this one chinese looking gang member (possibly named...SATAN?!) . But on the planeride there, disaster struck! The chinese mobster, satan, had hidden a large amount a poisonous snakes on the plane and sprayed some pheromone cheese on some lays and the snakes went crazy and bit alot of people except for jesus, a handful of survivors and the one guy that was gonna testify. Anyway...eventually, jesus got sick of the snakes, and proclaimed; "I'm through with these motherfu ckin snakes, on this motherfu ckin plane!" PRAISE!

So with the help of kenan thompson, they got rid of the snakes, and landed the plane and testified against the mobster, satan.

I think the snakes represent sin, the plane a person, and kenan thompson the bible.

PRAISE! jesus smilie.gif

Here is another one, this time a lesson directed at little children about how to deal with rape

I recently was asked to teach Sunday Bible School class for the LBC youth. What a bunch of wonderful 4-10 year olds! Looking at their beaming innocent faces, I was inspired to offer a lesson to them on the often-neglected subject of rape. Feel free to share this information with any of your children who missed the lesson.



"Boys and girls, I think we can all agree that rape is a gross thing to talk about, but there are still many confusions about what the Bible says about rape. What can the Bible teach us about rape? Well for starters as a society we have forgotten the Biblical, Christian way to handle rapists and the people they rape. Rape is mentioned several times within the Bible but today I will tell you what a woman or girl should do if she is to be raped, and also what should happen to the rapist.

Okay, lets say Sally Smith, is out walking home alone from school. Sally comes across Jake. Jake has other ideas though..He rapes her. Sally does the right thing and screams the loudest she can for help. She screams loud enough that the local Pastor can hear her cries. Jake is finished though, and the Pastor comes in between the two to break them apart. The Pastor tells them both that they both can be saved from Hell even though there was sex out of wedlock. Just read this Bible verse:

Deuteronomy 22
28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;
29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

(Note: 50 shekels is equal to about 1.25 pounds of silver. A shekel is a weight measurement)

See? If a woman gets raped she can avoid Hell by marrying the man who raped her.

And so the Pastor told the two they could be saved if only Jake gave Sally's father 50 shekels (1.25 pounds) of silver and they married, which they did. If they didn't marry they would be adulterers (sex out of wedlock) and surely go to Hell. And everyone lived happily ever after.



Now then, what would happen if Sally didn't scream for help?

Deuteronomy 22
23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.

Stone them both. If the woman doesn't scream loud enough to be heard by someone, they she obviously enjoys being raped and both deserve to be stoned to death.



A lot of people rape women in war. Is this allowed by God?

Of course! You can rape women in war and never go to hell, that's the Christian way! In fact you can make people your slaves too! Just make sure that BEFORE you attack you offer to let them unconditionally surrender. See how God commands us to handle these situations:

Deuteronomy 20
10 When thou comest nigh unto a city to fight against it, then proclaim peace unto it.
11 And it shall be, if it make thee answer of peace, and open unto thee, then it shall be, that all the people that is found therein shall be tributaries unto thee, and they shall serve thee.
12 And if it will make no peace with thee, but will make war against thee, then thou shalt besiege it:
13 And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword:
14 But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.

But wait! There's more!

Deuteronomy 21
10 When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,
11 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
12 Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;
13 And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.
14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

Even Moses himself approved of these actions in war:
Numbers 31
7 And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males.
8 And they slew the kings of Midian, beside the rest of them that were slain; namely, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian: Balaam also the son of Beor they slew with the sword.
9 And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods.
10 And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles, with fire.
11 And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.
12 And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and unto the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the camp at the plains of Moab, which are by Jordan near Jericho.
13 And Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and all the princes of the congregation, went forth to meet them without the camp.
14 And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.
15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?
16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.
17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

See? Doesn't God just rock kids? So you girls don't forget to scream REAL LOUD if you get raped. And you boys remember, you might have to marry a girl if you rape her. Boys, don't worry too much about memorizing all those scriptures in the Bible about what to do in war time. You will have the chance to go over those verses in Vacation Bible Gun Camp this Summer. Praise Jesus!!"

[DarkKnight]

You do know that all of those posts, especially Pastor Ezekiel, are just making fun of fundamentalist Christians? They don't really think global warming is caused from peoples souls burning in hell.