Backing down: Maturity or Cowardice?

[Professor420]

Something happened to me last night/this morning that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about. I was at a friend's block party, and myself, an older guy (a deteriorating 40 years), and a female, were sitting talking and drinking (the only ones remaining) at about 6 am. A kid was walking down the street, and the older guy started chatting with him, and he was a typical metal-head, wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. So I started talking about music, and when he refused my suggestion to swap an Iron Maiden CD for a Bob Dylan CD, I perhaps got a bit belligerent. I quickly realized and I apologized, but he kept prodding me, and wanted to fight me, or make some sort of ridiculous apology.

Sparing any more details, I refused for about five minutes and I was trying to talk to him and he was just being a freakin a-hole, in all objectivity, and kept threatening to fight me.
After a while, I felt it just wasn't worth the fight, and I backed down. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I backed down on my beliefs for any reason (other than thorough debate that changes my mind). So, I made the ridiculous apology in a sarcastic tone, and he walked to his car, came back, and then we were all talking in good humour for a while. But the drunk, stoned, and admittedly coked-up teen obviously DID want to fight me earlier.

So, the question that has been bugging me all day, is should I have fought him? Its not like I couldn't have beat him... in fact, I'm confident I could have, being almost a foot taller and four years older. But what would that have changed? I know its ridiculous, but the fact that I had to back down and say I was wrong when I was so clearly right and the nicer guy (after my bout of belligerency) is REALLY bugging me (doing this in front of a female only increases my insecurity about this, whether she actually cares or not). Was this act of backing down a case of maturity, or cowardice? I'm not really sure myself, all I can keep saying to myself is "Force shites upon the back of Reason."

[Zuwxiv]

If you were drinking, you might not have a perfect memory.

That said, backing down can be the right thing to do. In that situation, it avoided a fight. There is only one reason to actually fight where words could solve it, and that is to save your honor/manhood/whatever you want to call your ego.

Is being able to say, "I didn't back down to that punk!" worth a lawsuit? An injury, an arrest, etc? Why do you care what a complete stranger thinks of you?

In some cases, dependant on situation, culture, and other factors, a fair fight is a more honorable and respected way to do things. But generaly, if words can accomplish things, why use fists?

[Maron]

I think you did the right thing given the situation.

200 years ago: definately cowardice

nowadays: definately the smart thing to do to avoid legal trouble.

[bdh]

If you believe yourself to be right, backing down isn't the right decision. It merely encourages that kind of behavior in the respondent. He'll just act belligerent in the future. Of course, fighting him isn't the proper solution either. All one need do is be confident in one's self to the degree that you won't espouse things you don't believe nor act violently when personally provoked. If it comes to violence, just don't be the one who starts it.

In this instance though, I think you may have made the wrong. You knew you were right and the other fellow was wrong. You were willing to let that person continue to be wrong and continue to use threats of violence and you weren't completely honest with yourself. You shouldn't have stopped reasoning with him. In the future, he may do the same thing to somebody else, someone not mature and willing to seriously hurt him.

[Gogoas]

well from what i can tell you weren't intimidated and your much stronger then him, so backing off was the best thing you could've done. If he was really bugging you that much and you actually thought of what you should do then I think that its maturity. Cause truth is the fight was really about nothing so if you kicked his ass and then he like called his mom or something only you would've gotten in trouble. Somehow older people always get in trouble no matter what :violin2:

although if he was really ticking you off get him to take the first shot so you can say you beat the crap out of him for self defense

[Kino]

Deleted by user.

[Rhinosaur]

IDK man, I've been in more than a few drunken brawls, and usually they start over something totally irrelevant. Sometimes when you're drunk your mouth gets the better of you and you say things that you wouldn't say sober, and people react in ways they wouldn't when sober. I wouldn't call it maturity, because you still put yourself in a position you didn't need to be in, but it isn't from how you describe it outright cowardice. I'd chalk it up as "all's well that ends well" and let it go. I would not, however, apologize to someone like that (sarcastically or not) no matter how wrong I was previously.

[bdh]

Edit - BDH's post makes me think you should of kicked his ass to teach him a lesson. I don't know though. Whatever you think is right is what you should have done, if you didn't feel offended enough to attack or too guilty to then it was right to not fight.

Well, the truly mature thing to do is to set a clear example (that you know he understands) for him so that he can get a good look at his own flaws- that can be done nonviolently(ideally) and possibly even violently provided you didn't start it. If you just boost his ego, you're not doing him any favors. Inspire through example.

[Professor420]

First of all, I wasn't drunk. The night was winding down and I was getting ready to drive home in a half hour or so. Second, I think a little piece of me died when I made that apology. The way I feel now, in the safety of my home, is that I will never, ever, do that again (unless maybe my life is in danger). But I don't know how I'll feel when things hit the fan again.
I openly apologized for calling Iron Maiden a ***t stain on the toilet paper of history (now that I think about it perhaps he missed my analogy... everything becomes a ****stain), then he said 'tell me you're VERY sorry,' and no, I wasn't going to cross that line. I wasn't going to submit at the threat of force, I wasn't going to compromise my dignity, but I did. And as far as the violence goes, I'm not so sure I could have won if I hadn't taken the first shot, and I haven't been in a fight since High School (I've lost my killer instinct especially over the past year or so), so I don't even have a good estimation of what the 'matchup' would have been (but in retrospect I really think I would have taken him). As much as I didn't want to back down, I REALLY didn't want to lose a fight, and I couldn't count on any backup from my friends.
The more I think about it, though, the more I DO think it was a mature choice, yet the more ashamed I am that I sacraficed my dignity.

[bdh]

First of all, I wasn't drunk. The night was winding down and I was getting ready to drive home in a half hour or so. Second, I think a little piece of me died when I made that apology. The way I feel now, in the safety of my home, is that I will never, ever, do that again (unless maybe my life is in danger). But I don't know how I'll feel when things hit the fan again.
I openly apologized for calling Iron Maiden a ***t stain on the toilet paper of history (now that I think about it perhaps he missed my analogy... everything becomes a ****stain), then he said 'tell me you're VERY sorry,' and no, I wasn't going to cross that line. I wasn't going to submit at the threat of force, I wasn't going to compromise my dignity, but I did. And as far as the violence goes, I'm not so sure I could have won if I hadn't taken the first shot, and I haven't been in a fight since High School (I've lost my killer instinct especially over the past year or so), so I don't even have a good estimation of what the 'matchup' would have been (but in retrospect I really think I would have taken him). As much as I didn't want to back down, I REALLY didn't want to lose a fight, and I couldn't count on any backup from my friends.
The more I think about it, though, the more I DO think it was a mature choice, yet the more ashamed I am that I sacraficed my dignity.

The simplest thing you could have done (especially when threatened) is just shake your head and walk away. You don't have to associate with him nor concede to him nor fight him. Its especially interesting since most people don't know how to respond to that. All they can do is try and make up something to make themselves feel better about being disregarded.
It ain't as poignat as getting beaten or reasoned with, but, if it happens enough, they'll learn.

[Kino]

Deleted by user.

[mike^_^]

an act of maturity.

that isn't to say though, the next time you see him you shouldn't calmly approach him armed with a hammer/bat/tire-iron and break both his ****ing legs, one might also find it judicious to make sure to dislodge atleast 3 teeth to keep as souvenirs tied around your neck



something like this would suit the task at hand just well, perfect for half-stepping punks

[Aristocrat]

Personally I say the mature thing to do would have been to say you already apologised but if he couldn't accept it he was welcome to take a swing.
You should not have to feel bad so someone else can feel better.

[the Eternal Cocoon]

Something happened to me last night/this morning that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about. I was at a friend's block party, and myself, an older guy (a deteriorating 40 years), and a female, were sitting talking and drinking (the only ones remaining) at about 6 am. A kid was walking down the street, and the older guy started chatting with him, and he was a typical metal-head, wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. So I started talking about music, and when he refused my suggestion to swap an Iron Maiden CD for a Bob Dylan CD, I perhaps got a bit belligerent. I quickly realized and I apologized, but he kept prodding me, and wanted to fight me, or make some sort of ridiculous apology.

Sparing any more details, I refused for about five minutes and I was trying to talk to him and he was just being a freakin a-hole, in all objectivity, and kept threatening to fight me.
After a while, I felt it just wasn't worth the fight, and I backed down. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I backed down on my beliefs for any reason (other than thorough debate that changes my mind). So, I made the ridiculous apology in a sarcastic tone, and he walked to his car, came back, and then we were all talking in good humour for a while. But the drunk, stoned, and admittedly coked-up teen obviously DID want to fight me earlier.

So, the question that has been bugging me all day, is should I have fought him? Its not like I couldn't have beat him... in fact, I'm confident I could have, being almost a foot taller and four years older. But what would that have changed? I know its ridiculous, but the fact that I had to back down and say I was wrong when I was so clearly right and the nicer guy (after my bout of belligerency) is REALLY bugging me (doing this in front of a female only increases my insecurity about this, whether she actually cares or not). Was this act of backing down a case of maturity, or cowardice? I'm not really sure myself, all I can keep saying to myself is "Force shites upon the back of Reason."

there comes a time in some conversations when you simply realize that you dont like the other person. You dont hate him, he just isnt the type of guy you would be freinds with, you dont click. For me, one of those times is when they want to fight me over some ridiculously worthless ********. When you realize that the person you are talking to cant and never will be your freind, that is the time to simply walk away. If you dont like the guy, he is being an *******, and he dosent deserve and apology, that is the time to wordlessly walk away. **** em, what do you care what he thinks?

[bdh]

talk down to you, you come back at him with insult tell he starts a fight. Win or lose you will feel better as he wont talk to you wont have that hanging over you.

I'm not so sure. Thats like him becoming his enemy. The idiot threatened and went over the top for the sake of his own ego, surely one shouldn't do likewise.

[Kino]

Deleted by user.

[bdh]

If he is going to start talking down to the guy he is already his enemy. If the guy forgets about it and treats him with respect then everyone can forget about. If not a fight helps.

Shouldn't we be avoiding fights all costs save our beliefs? If the fellow isn't making him do something with threats of violence(as in apologizing extra extra nice) then all he is lobbing is empty insults. The mature thing to do is not to respond to anything that demeans you because it is unfounded. Would you bother swatting a nonexistant fly?

[Kino]

Deleted by user.

[Tecumseh]

I'm going with cowardice. You should have beat that punk straight up and down. Especially since a female was present, you may not get to have her as a mate now. Personally, I would have stood up, gave the kid the 31-second-death-stare, grunted and pounded my chest, and kicked him in the genitalia. Once he was on the ground, I would have continued to attack his genitalia, first with my feet, and then my fists to finish the job. With the punk subdued, and if I was still enraged, I would have to rip off his arm, just so I could give him the one-liner, "Thanks for the hand". I would then steal his Iron Maiden shirt to resolve the music dispute.

But hey, whatever works for you...

[Gogoas]

I'm going with cowardice. You should have beat that punk straight up and down. Especially since a female was present, you may not get to have her as a mate now. Personally, I would have stood up, gave the kid the 31-second-death-stare, grunted and pounded my chest, and kicked him in the genitalia. Once he was on the ground, I would have continued to attack his genitalia, first with my feet, and then my fists to finish the job. With the punk subdued, and if I was still enraged, I would have to rip off his arm, just so I could give him the one-liner, "Thanks for the hand". I would then steal his Iron Maiden shirt to resolve the music dispute.

But hey, whatever works for you...

yes yes *grunt* female very pretty ugh ugh rip off his arm and it will help copulate with the female