Telling your religious parents that you are atheist

[DarkKnight]

I have grown up in a very religious household. I believed in God devoutly until sometime around when I turned sixteen (btw, I am 16 now turning 17 in less than a month). At about that time I started to doubt and become a skeptic christian. About a month or two ago I made the personal conclusion that God does not exist. I have expressed myself as an atheist on this forum, and each debate I get into here only confirms my decision to be an atheist.

I may be an open atheist here, but I am still a closet atheist in real life. I still go to church every Sunday, go to Sunday School every Sunday, and am active in my church youth group. My parents are very Christian. I don't know how they will take it if I tell them I know longer believe in God. I attend church and pretend I still believe their rhetoric, but I am getting tired of it. One other important peice of information is that I am going to a mission trip to Mexico this summer. When I signed up I was still a Christian, although skeptic(btw I am an open skeptic at church. Every knows I am the first one to question stuff, but they still think that I believe). The trip requires my parents to pay a couple hundred $$ so I think Ill end up having to go anyways whether I believe or not because they paid money. The problem is that it wouldn't be pleasant to spend over a week with them constantly trying to convert me back. But then again it would be hypocritical of me to pretend I am a Christian and spread Christianity in Mexico.

What my question is, when should I tell them the truth. I could tell them now, of course I don't think I would want to break that to my mother during holy week. I could tell them after Easter, but then there is the mission trip dilemma. I could tell them after the mission trip, but then I still don't know how they would take it. Or I could tell them in 15 months when I am in college and don't have to live under the same roof as them, but then of course I have to be bothered with the church activities until then.

What should I do? Also if anyone else has gone through a similar situation, could you please tell me what you did, and how they responded?

[David Deas]

Why tell them at all? You should be able to argue your way out of church without dropping the bomb on them.

[DarkKnight]

Why tell them at all?

Then I have to spend the rest of my life living a lie. Once I am out of the house in 15 months it won't be a problem, but until then I have to attend church every sunday, go to sunday school every sunday morning, go to youth worship every sunday at 5, spend countless weekends going on youth retreats, and of course be a hypocrite.

EDIT:
You edit clarifies your point a lot more

You should be able to argue your way out of church without dropping the bomb on them.

I guess I should keep doubting and debating until they slowly realize that I don't believe.

[MaximiIian]

Then I have to spend the rest of my life living a lie. Once I am out of the house in 15 months it won't be a problem, but until then

Then do that then, and get the free food (do they have free snacks? I've heard a lot of them do). Fifteen months isn't that much if you've been keeping it a secret tfor his long.

[Darth Wong]

There are many people on my forum who have gone through similar experiences, and the outcome depends on how reasonable your parents are. Some parents are OK with it, while others will create HUGE battles over this and will try to make your life a living hell until you "see the light" again.

Based on their testimonials, I would have to advise you to at least partially maintain the charade until you go away to university and they're no longer watching your every move. I've heard too many horror stories. With a lot of parents, you're much better off saying that you dislike church rituals or church politics and prefer to worship in your own way (which kind of gives you a license to skip out of church activities without having to declare your nonbelief).

I think this is why so many atheists call themselves "agnostics" instead. There really are parents out there who will just give you hell until you stop calling yourself an atheist.

[The White Knight]

There are many people on my forum who have gone through similar experiences, and the outcome depends on how reasonable your parents are. Some parents are OK with it, while others will create HUGE battles over this and will try to make your life a living hell until you "see the light" again.

Based on their testimonials, I would have to advise you to at least partially maintain the charade until you go away to university and they're no longer watching your every move. I've heard too many horror stories. With a lot of parents, you're much better off saying that you dislike church rituals or church politics and prefer to worship in your own way (which kind of gives you a license to skip out of church activities without having to declare your nonbelief).

I think this is why so many atheists call themselves "agnostics" instead. There really are parents out there who will just give you hell until you stop calling yourself an atheist.

Not only 'parents' are the problem. I know a lot of people who don't believe, don't attend church etc... but don't want to state 'I'm an atheist' because that seems 'a bridge too far' for them, oddly enough.

[Justinian]

Your parents' attitude will probably only change in a small way. Are they reasonable folks? If so, they'll probably waste your time making you read books that are supposed to revive your inner Christian, and occasionally try to rationalize it with you. It's not like coming out or something, unless your parents are totally insane.

Speaking from experience here. :wink:

[David Deas]

Then I have to spend the rest of my life living a lie. Once I am out of the house in 15 months it won't be a problem, but until then I have to attend church every sunday, go to sunday school every sunday morning, go to youth worship every sunday at 5, spend countless weekends going on youth retreats, and of course be a hypocrite.

Then do it. With only 15 months to go, you should choose your battles. Let your parents have this one. Don't crush them.

I guess I should keep doubting and debating until they slowly realize that I don't believe.

My recommendation.

Just find a way out of the services that doesn't totally crush your parents. Anything. If push comes to shove, its much easier to use the Bible against them than it is to denounce the Bible altogether.

[Lee1026]

Keep your silence. Remember, there are no religious laws in Atheism that says you can't attend church. It is boring, so try to fight out of it (pretend you got homework, or something), but it is still easier then a fight.

[Justinian]

Say that going to church actually makes you resent Christianity and everything it stands for, and you'd much prefer to be by yourself contemplating God then following hypocritic church laws which give you a negative view of God.

That one is actually 100% true for me...

[ShangTang]

Keep it in until you go to college is my vote.

[Harlanite]

Keep it in until you go to college is my vote.

I'd agree with this. 15 Months will go by in a flash.

[danzig]

Coming from a deeply religious family as well my suggestion is, dont bother if yours are very religious. Mine took it as personal failing on their part that somehow they failed to 'teach' me right, religion makes so much sense to people who are religious that there is nothing to achieve by doing so. I have a deep respect for religious people (except for ones who throw it in your face) that they can live on faith, unlike some agonostic/atheist posters here I dont see it as dumb or stupid that they believe so why bother causing problems by declaring you dont believe? To what benfit is it to you or them? Explain you dont want to attend church anymore, hell tell them the truth you want time to find your own way without opening it into a debate on religion.

[invictus]

Heres what you do, you say its all a bunch of bs and you dont believe in myths. -Leon

[marksman101]

You should tell them now, before Easter. My brother is an athiest with all of my family being religous, so i know almost first hand that it may be awkward in the beginning but you still need to tell them now. Just expalin why you think what you do and they should accept that. Shouldn't be too hard.

[MasterAdnin]

It depends on your parents personality. If they are highly religious, then they will most likely not respect your decision, if they are reasonably religious, they will not mind, but will try to convince you, if they are not religious at all, they won't care.

Adnan

[DarkKnight]

Here is some background on my parents:
Both of them are college educated, and I like to think of them as reasonable (however I could be wrong). My mom tends to be the one who thinks more about the religion, but all discussions have been about stuff like protestantism (which they are) vs catholicism. JHowever, any discussion that takes place on the actual existance of God, such as science vs creationism, she often dismisses all of sciences arguements as bullcrap without examining the actual substance of the arguement. She is the one who I think would be more acceptant towards me being atheist. She grew up nondenominational christian (ironic that that is a denomination), but when she married my dad she converted to Lutheranism (what he grew up). She still to this day has to deal with her parents upset with her (its been over 20 years too). My grandparents on my mom's side still pray for my mom because they believe she won't go to heaven. Because of this I think she might be able to emphathize with me.

I have never really had any religious discussions with my dad. He seems more devout than my mom often. Often my mom will sometimes skip a church event when it is very inconvenient, but my dad makes every effort. Every single event that the church that he is capable of attending, he attends. Every Wednessday morning our church has Men's Bible Study. It really is only like 6 guys, but my dad volunteered to have them meet at our house. He is an accountant so he always volunteers to be the treasurer for the church. He also has been a trustee too. He also attends the church volleyball game every Tuesday, and any other events sponsored by the church. He is the person at the church who everyone knows.

[westy159]

Tell them that now that you dont want to go to church and stuff and that they should respect your beliefs (your belief that there is no God) as you respect their beliefs.

[Darth Wong]

Here is some background on my parents:
Both of them are college educated, and I like to think of them as reasonable (however I could be wrong). My mom tends to be the one who thinks more about the religion, but all discussions have been about stuff like protestantism (which they are) vs catholicism. JHowever, any discussion that takes place on the actual existance of God, such as science vs creationism, she often dismisses all of sciences arguements as bullcrap without examining the actual substance of the arguement. She is the one who I think would be more acceptant towards me being atheist. She grew up nondenominational christian (ironic that that is a denomination), but when she married my dad she converted to Lutheranism (what he grew up). She still to this day has to deal with her parents upset with her (its been over 20 years too). My grandparents on my mom's side still pray for my mom because they believe she won't go to heaven. Because of this I think she might be able to emphathize with me.

She might sympathize because of her own past troubles with her parents, but I wouldn't count on that if she's a creationist.

I have never really had any religious discussions with my dad. He seems more devout than my mom often. Often my mom will sometimes skip a church event when it is very inconvenient, but my dad makes every effort. Every single event that the church that he is capable of attending, he attends. Every Wednessday morning our church has Men's Bible Study. It really is only like 6 guys, but my dad volunteered to have them meet at our house. He is an accountant so he always volunteers to be the treasurer for the church. He also has been a trustee too. He also attends the church volleyball game every Tuesday, and any other events sponsored by the church. He is the person at the church who everyone knows.

Wow. That sounds pretty hardcore. That would also make it difficult to use the "I still believe in God, but I don't like the church" method of avoiding things. Ultimately though, it's pretty hard for us faraway message board people to guess how your parents would react. Have you ever discussed atheism in general with your parents, to get an idea of what they think of atheists?

[Last Roman]

I've never had this problem (my dad is a disgruntled catholic and my mom is pretty lax on religious stuff) so my advice might not be the best but here it is, the sooner you tell them the better. You are allowed to have your opinions and as your parents, they should recongize that. That way you don't have to live a big lie. That's my advice, but take it with a grain of salt