Need Buddhist Adivce and Guidance

[Sir Winston Churchill]

First off, I'd like to say regardless of your personal beliefs, feel free to offer your advice on how I can better myself in situations like I'm having. Just keep it relevant and rational please.

Anyways, as a Buddhist I'm finding it exceptionally hard in today's world and in my lifestyle to keep to a "Buddhist Way". It's funny too how I can easily start my day off right, meditate to calm myself and set myself into the right mindset, and by the end of the day it's all ruined and messed up due to everyday problems of being a student in highschool and a teenager as a whole.

For instance, I can go into school with a clean attitude and be simply in sync with myself and others and my surroundings. Trying to focus on what matters in life, keeping positive relations with my friends, trying not to let things get to me by reminding myself that "nothing is permanent, this is just the by-product of time, it happens and there's no use getting upset about it". Yet something always spoils it in some way that I honestly can't help but feel helpless against, which then snowballs into worse things making my day utterly awful. First period it's always the same thing with this girl that sits next to me, who I don't talk to anymore due to a fight we had (since we used to be friends until her true colors showed), and all she does is spend the entire chem class talking rather loudly about all her problems, all the sex she's had, being an annoying tish, etc. etc. and it becomes almost impossible to concentrate on the teacher and the lesson.

I suddenly feel tense, angry, I hold myself back as much as I want to just scream at her that no one cares she feels bad that she had sex with one guy even after she started dating another, and that yes I would LOVE to hit her like she keeps asking people to since she feels "bad" about it. So that she might just shut up and allow me to concentrate. Of course I don't so have to endure her for about 45 minutes until class let's out. I don't know why but it always ruins my mood and I end up leaving the class steaming inside. All so I go off to my next class which I happen to be horrible at. This doesn't help either because suddenly I feel inferior and helpless and all around like crap because I can't understand the material and the teach constantly makes a note of my horrible work and grades. Normally I'd try to just brush it off and study more to understand it but instead I end up just shutting down and learn nothing, unable again to concentrate on the material so I may actually learn something and instead spend the entire period berating myself over what a "failure" I am (which I know I'm not, I excel greatly at all other subjects minus this one).

It continues in the same pattern the whole day, mixed in with relationship issues and other teenager-worldly drama that means nothing to the outside world. I end up going home in a bad mood, completely forgetting what I tell myself in the morning, the teachings, to meditate, I'm just knocked out of it the whole day. Only until around late night, when I've wasted what was a beautiful day watching TV or playing video games instead of doing more productive things, do I realize my error and what I should do. Then I constantly tell myself the next day will be different, only for it to simply repeat the pattern. I go to bed a Buddhist, wake up a Buddhist, and yet by the end of school, I'm about as Buddhist as a Christian. I don't like it, I know what I do and how I think is wrong, that it's not worth getting worked up over and I should take notice of the better things in my day and cherish them, yet every day it's the same pattern.

I wish to break it. I ask if anyone has any advice on how I can prevent myself from shutting down and going into such a rut everyday ruining all my efforts to do otherwise. This is effecting my health, education, my life in general. I know it would be so much easier if I was just not a hormone-raging teen living in a teenage world, but I have about two more years I have to deal with it. Life's not any easier I'm sure even after high school, which is why I really want to nip this problem in the bud before it effects my future. Thank you for taking the time to read, and thank you even more if you decide to lend your advice. Looking back this could very well belong in the PH&A, I'll leave it up to a mod to decide where it belongs for now.

Again, thank you.

[Taiji]

You sound normal. She's flirting and it's distracting.

So complain about her to the teacher, and remember to mention the sex.

Complain about the bad teacher of the following lesson to your parents, and then to the head teacher if your parents haven't worked out their job yet.

I don't know how a Buddhist tackles complaining... But I hope they don't advocate wholly internal solutions to such obviously external problems. Don't beat yourself up, just recognise the obstacles and try to surmount them externally as well as internally.

It's like if you have problems meditating in a loud and busy environment - Go find a quiet place and make it easier on yourself. The mental problem is easily surmounted by physically moving.

If you want an internal solution then I'd go with sexual kung fu. You'll probably learn to control your impulses a lot better. A book titled "the multiorgasmic man" was good read for me on that subject. OK, I'm just guessing that she is so distracting because you want sex. Most people will want sex all the time if they haven't had some recently. I think the sexual kung fu approach would help put you more in control of that 'distraction'.

But guard your education; complain when you think it might help.

[hellas1]

@Date Harumune,

This is my perspective regarding YOUR attitude (No disrespect meant by the capital letters! :

First, I see meditation like Krishnamurti taught it (Choiceless Awareness) and "Naked Awareness" in Dzogchen: Meditation is done all the time.

Second, Meditation is not a "sit down and develop a peaceful mind" type of affair, divorcing it from everyday real time events. No, Choiceless or Naked Awareness is done as much as possible but NOT neurotically!

Third, The reason why I capitalized "YOUR" is because our attitude must not be changed by those around us, rather we affect positive change through positive mental outlook while being realistic as well.
In other words, Don't live in a fantasy land.

Lastly, Love & Compassion are needed towards this person. Believe me, I deal with a "problematic" person at work and must dealt with a "problematic person" everyday called MYSELF.

Cool?
Cool.

PM me with any questions about Choiceless Awareness or Naked Awareness any time.
hellas1.5

[Shams al-Ma'rifa]

There's a proverb that goes something like.. you can't walk on water without getting your feet wet. Your living in an impure world, so you can't help but get tainted by it. Just come home and wash yourself off. Just make sure you don't get any dirt on you that will be hard to clean off.

I got the same problem you do. I experience a lot of cognitive dissonance in my life. I like a few pretty girls but they're bad for me. There's a girl that would be great for me but I'm too superficial. I'm 16 so, I'm telling you about my inner conflicts right now, I don't know if you're experiencing the same things or not but I can relate.

Just look at the world and be like.. why is it so messed up. Why is the only purpose in most people's lives getting laid and making money. Why am I being sucked in instead of helping the situation.

For example, I'm really into Pop music. A lot of that crap effects your mind in all sorts of negative ways, but it's really catchy, and sometimes I chant lyrics that I really shouldn't be saying if I wanted to purify myself. My friends are into that stuff so what can I do? I live in the USA, I can't get away from that stuff and even if I could, it's not certain if that would be beneficial or not.

The point is, you don't have to be Buddha, just try to keep yourself as clean as possible. If you care about your friend maybe try to steer her away from that stuff, just don't be condescending about it. The awful thing about promiscuous sex is that it correlates inversely with happiness, even though it's very attractive, and it just messes up society as a whole.

Good luck man, just meditate on the things you really care about and what you want to be done.

[Hax]

God, some of the presumptions here irk me a lot.

What are the basics of Buddhist ethics? They are the Five Precepts. What are the Five Precepts? The Five Precepts are:

1) I shall undertake the training to refrain from killing
2) I shall undertake the training to refrain from stealing (taking that which is not freely given)
3) I shall undertake the training to refrain from false speech
4) I shall undertake the training to refrain from sexual misconduct
5) I shall undertake the training to refrain from handling intoxicants.

The only thing you have to ask yourself is "are my actions in conflict with the Five Precepts?". If they aren't, there's nothing wrong. And if they are, they do not necessarily make you a bad person or a bad Buddhist. As long as you are aware of these things, it's all good. As for the continous pattern you refer to, that's how we learn things. Really learning is about doing it wrong ten, a hundred, a thousand times and then doing it right. As long as you are aware of what's going on, you can learn from it. Good luck.

[Gpower]

Well there's quite a few different sects of Buddhism out there, but I know a little bit, so according to Buddhist theory, remember that:

The cause and effect cycle. Everything that happens to you, good or bad, is a reaction from your actions in the past, either in this life or the last. The idea is to accept what happens to you, good or bad, because you cannot control what you did in the past. Do not try to get back at the person annoying you, because this will lead to a hate-cycle that can last forever (since in Buddhism you reincarnate). Instead, treat it as a type of training, to further you mind and patience. No one can give you a peaceful mind except for yourself. If you blame outside factors, you are missing the point. It is that you do not have the skill to stop yourself being annoyed, not the other person's fault.

I'm not an expert - these are just a few things I picked up from my mum. But I think this about covers the main ideas.

As for getting good at school work, you've just have to put more effort in, you may not get straight As but stuff you learn in high school isn't impossible to understand for most people, if they put the effort in.

Also, you probably should spend some more time reading/watching stuff about Buddhism of whatever sec you're following. I'm under the impression that you don't understand as much about Buddhism as you think, there is more to Buddhism then just meditating. My mum's a Buddhist but she had never meditated. But since I'm not actually Buddhist I'll just shut up now.

[Charrua]

Ok, my advice - look always to the bright side of life. You could be a crippled guy, you could have been born with severe disabilities, you could have been hit by a car, etcetera, etcetera.

So, remember that nothing is utterly bad, it always could be worse, and make fun of it! The best therapy for myself is laughing out loud all the time I can!

Be it in work, be it in school, alone... anywhere, anytime.

[Denny Crane!]

I'd advise not thinking of Buddhism as a sticking plaster that will just subsume all your problems. Meditation is a way of life not just something that will take problems away.

All of these things are affecting you, don't think they shouldn't. School can be tough and I wouldn't try and deny these things affecting you.

I'm not really good at offering advice about stuff that is going on in your life so I'm not going to try. Just don't deny issues and things effecting you, its ok to be effected by negative stuff and don't start thinking your a bad buddhist because stuff lays you down.

[Karot]

i know jack about buddhism so i'll skip that part..

you know, you should assert yourself, the fact that you are doing nothing about it is why you feel so bad afterwards. i suggest the next time she's bothering you in class you loudly tell her to shut up so everyone can hear you. She will continue to do as she does until you assert yourself and draw the line

[Elfdude]

First off, I'd like to say regardless of your personal beliefs, feel free to offer your advice on how I can better myself in situations like I'm having. Just keep it relevant and rational please.

Anyways, as a Buddhist I'm finding it exceptionally hard in today's world and in my lifestyle to keep to a "Buddhist Way". It's funny too how I can easily start my day off right, meditate to calm myself and set myself into the right mindset, and by the end of the day it's all ruined and messed up due to everyday problems of being a student in highschool and a teenager as a whole.

For instance, I can go into school with a clean attitude and be simply in sync with myself and others and my surroundings. Trying to focus on what matters in life, keeping positive relations with my friends, trying not to let things get to me by reminding myself that "nothing is permanent, this is just the by-product of time, it happens and there's no use getting upset about it". Yet something always spoils it in some way that I honestly can't help but feel helpless against, which then snowballs into worse things making my day utterly awful.

Well to be honest in buddhist thought nothing actually 'spoils' it but your own perceptions. Something is causing you to feel disconnected from the kindness of life. This is ok of course and is to be expected, even the experienced can feel this from time to time. The important thing is how you cope. I find that personally it is best for me to distance myself from a logical point of view and examine my perceptions. It does take time and honestly it is annoying to do the first few times but as you fall into the flow of it you start to feel the weight lifted. When you feel down ask yourself why do I feel this way? Be specific. Go deeper than your first thought and think.

Ask yourself to find the kindness in the world around you. In buddhist thought every action comes from a place of kindness, it's only misunderstanding of that kindness that results in misery or pain. Have you saught to understand the cause of your pain? Don't be afraid to grit your teeth and clarify with others, they may surprise you and reveal an answer your judgement wasn't allowing you to anticipate.

If not the only thing you can do is support them kindly. I don't mean you have to invest time but at least pay them the same respect you would someone you're not annoyed with. In the pragmatic sense it saves you a lot of headache but in the bhuddist sense your kindness is the amongst best weapon against all forms of misery.

First period it's always the same thing with this girl that sits next to me, who I don't talk to anymore due to a fight we had (since we used to be friends until her true colors showed), and all she does is spend the entire chem class talking rather loudly about all her problems, all the sex she's had, being an annoying tish, etc. etc. and it becomes almost impossible to concentrate on the teacher and the lesson.

You could always calmly try to explain the situation to her. However I don't understand why you hold a grudge. Perhaps this is the source of your misery? Perhaps she is not perfect but why shut the door and thus the opportunity to allow that to change? Doesn't that seem a bit cruel to you? Talk to her. You do not have to condone her actions but that is no reason to cut your connections with her. Don't get me wrong, I'm merely trying to offer advice on what I think the problem might be. However I'm afraid that solving it might not be as easy as simply chanting or meditating. All people have faults, do not let a particular one blind you to the kindness beyond.

I suddenly feel tense, angry, I hold myself back as much as I want to just scream at her that no one cares she feels bad that she had sex with one guy even after she started dating another, and that yes I would LOVE to hit her like she keeps asking people to since she feels "bad" about it.

This is worrysome. You need to examine the reasoning for your anger. I don't mean to be dismissive but this really isn't worth getting angry over. Being angry serves you no purpose and realizing that helps a lot trust me. It's ok to feel angry, that's not the issue. We just need to have you practice coping with it so you can return to the nobler paths. Calm yourself. Take a deep breath. Do not hide from what she's saying, but allow yourself to approve of it. It is not your place to judge her and even if you were to at best you'd only make her defensive which might worsen both your misery and hers. The only cure for social misery like this is kindness. You just have to try it. It can be hard at first but just keep trying. The philosophy takes practice before it becomes apart of you. Eventually you will find the beauty and kindness in people around you as you allow the hate blocking their view to erode away one battle with the negative at a time.

So that she might just shut up and allow me to concentrate. Of course I don't so have to endure her for about 45 minutes until class let's out. I don't know why but it always ruins my mood and I end up leaving the class steaming inside.

Why? Why do you allow this to eat at you? Ponder the feeling. Distance yourself from it and ask yourself if it's beneficial to feel that way. Does it lead to positivity for you? Then why do you feel that way. Buddhism demands temperance and the only way to gain that is to temper yourself by battling your own negativity with positiveness inside your own head. When you get angry try and play devil's advocate in your thoughts, argue with yourself and don't give up until you can let it go. I've even found it useful to taunt the conclusions I make in anger as to their sheer pointlessness. Sometimes it's as simple as stopping and taking a breath but it's going to require a bit of internal persuasion to keep yourself from falling into a rut of negativity. As you practice it'll take less and less effort and come more and more naturally.

All so I go off to my next class which I happen to be horrible at.

Why are you judging yourself so negatively? Judgement is a quality that allows us to see where to improve ourselves and should be positive and come from a place of kindness (yes that means kindness to yourself too).

This doesn't help either because suddenly I feel inferior and helpless and all around like crap because I can't understand the material and the teach constantly makes a note of my horrible work and grades.

Don't allow the judgement of others to allow yourself to fall into negativity. What if their intent is not to discourage you but rather to challenge you to better? Misplaced good intentions are still good intentions even if they are a little clumsy in deployment. Take a deep breath. In order to know kindness best it helps that we fight ignorance as another source of misery. Yes, it's hard. But try. If you find yourself drifting off reprimand yourself and attempt to concentrate again and again and again. As long as it takes to make yourself concentrate keep trying. Concentration takes practice too. However I often find that difficulty in the subject points to a difficulty in a fundamental. Perhaps the problem is beneath the surface?

Normally I'd try to just brush it off and study more to understand it but instead I end up just shutting down and learn nothing, unable again to concentrate on the material so I may actually learn something and instead spend the entire period berating myself over what a "failure" I am (which I know I'm not, I excel greatly at all other subjects minus this one).

You know you're not but why are't you arguing with yourself as you berate yourself. Tell yourself that you're not. Tell yourself to concentrate. Don't allow it to continue unopposed or it's as good as giving up. No one expects you to simply turn it off but you can't just let it take over.

It continues in the same pattern the whole day, mixed in with relationship issues and other teenager-worldly drama that means nothing to the outside world. I end up going home in a bad mood, completely forgetting what I tell myself in the morning, the teachings, to meditate, I'm just knocked out of it the whole day. Only until around late night, when I've wasted what was a beautiful day watching TV or playing video games instead of doing more productive things, do I realize my error and what I should do.

You can't judge yourself so negatively. Remember be kind to yourself too.

Then I constantly tell myself the next day will be different, only for it to simply repeat the pattern. I go to bed a Buddhist, wake up a Buddhist, and yet by the end of school, I'm about as Buddhist as a Christian. I don't like it, I know what I do and how I think is wrong, that it's not worth getting worked up over and I should take notice of the better things in my day and cherish them, yet every day it's the same pattern.

It's not about cherishing the good to blot out the bad. It's simply realizing how everyone is good. It's about considering the kindness others have shown you and wanting to give that to others if only to feel that warmth again. It's not about ignorance of misery. It's about the utter destruction of it with kindness. Buddhism is a tool for interaction, for generating positivity. You must apply it as often as you can.

I wish to break it. I ask if anyone has any advice on how I can prevent myself from shutting down and going into such a rut everyday ruining all my efforts to do otherwise.

Unfortunately there is no pit. It's more a bunch of tripping hazards. You've got to pick yourself back up. You've got to be kind to yourself. You've got to allow yourself to consider the kindness in others and ask yourself if negativity given it's drastic disadvantages is worth it at all.

This is effecting my health, education, my life in general. I know it would be so much easier if I was just not a hormone-raging teen living in a teenage world, but I have about two more years I have to deal with it. Life's not any easier I'm sure even after high school, which is why I really want to nip this problem in the bud before it effects my future. Thank you for taking the time to read, and thank you even more if you decide to lend your advice. Looking back this could very well belong in the PH&A, I'll leave it up to a mod to decide where it belongs for now.

It does not get easier, you make it easier. At some point you either decide something has to change or you sink in misery further and further as misery causes misery exponentially. You have to keep working on minimizing it. Keep trying. Keep practicing. What use is getting angry at yourself? What use is being angry at others? What use do you have for positivity. Don't be afraid to remind yourself of this. We do have to persuade ourselves to remain positive in the face of negativity. The good news is it only gets easier the more you do it. The bad news is it gets harder the less you do.