Is Jesus the most successful criminal of all time?
I've been pondering a very difficult question recently. Is Jesus the most successful criminal of all time? Having been active in the criminal underworld for millenia and at present on the run, he has committed and ordered countless crimes. I have provided a short list of his offences in section 1. If you are already familiar with them, then you may skip section 1 and go straight to section 2.
1. A Brief History of Crime
Few criminals could claim to have a record as long as that of Jesus Christ, a.k.a. 'the Father' or 'the Holy Spirit'. As the head of a cosmic mafia (which he calls his 'Chosen'), he has been actively involved in organized crime for over 4000 years. He has also committed rape, murder and genocide personally and by proxy. Around 2000 years ago, after finally being arrested and sentenced by the Romans, he faked his own death and went into hiding. A man referred to only as 'the Pope' is now the intermediary between Jesus and his subordinates. At present, he is still at large and considered highly dangerous.
The crimes of his criminal organization are numerous and well-documented. A few prominent examples are shown here for those who are not familiar with them.
Slavery
Here is a transcript of an order given to his subordinates endorsing slavery.
However, you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way. (Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT)
Here he gives the go-ahead for his followers to enter the sex-slave industry.
When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are. If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again. But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, since he is the one who broke the contract with her. And if the slave girl's owner arranges for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but he must treat her as his daughter. If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife. If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment. (Exodus 21:7-11 NLT)
Murder
This is an order to purge any members who display insubordination.
Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the LORD your God must be put to death. Such evil must be purged from Israel. (Deuteronomy 17:12 NLT)
And in this one he commands the elimination of anybody associating with rival crime syndicates.
Suppose a man or woman among you, in one of your towns that the LORD your God is giving you, has done evil in the sight of the LORD your God and has violated the covenant by serving other gods or by worshiping the sun, the moon, or any of the forces of heaven, which I have strictly forbidden. When you hear about it, investigate the matter thoroughly. If it is true that this detestable thing has been done in Israel, then that man or woman must be taken to the gates of the town and stoned to death. (Deuteronomy 17:2-5 NLT)
Genocide
This one speaks for itself.
When the people heard the sound of the horns, they shouted as loud as they could. Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the city from every side and captured it. They completely destroyed everything in it – men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep, donkeys – everything. (Joshua 6:20-21 NLT)
Rape
Again, no commentary needed.
They must be dividing the spoils they took: there must be a damsel or two for each man, Spoils of dyed cloth as Sisera's spoil, an ornate shawl or two for me in the spoil. (Judges 5:30 NAB)
This is just a small selection of the crimes committed by this man and his organization. For a more complete listing, please visit www.evilbible.com, the website from which the transcripts were taken.
2. You Can Get further With a Kind Word and a Gun Than You Can With Just a Kind Word.
With his crimes well-documented, many with confessions, he has clearly outdone all other criminals known to man. But that is not all. While infamous for his organized crime ring, he has also participated in mass murder and serial murder. This is the first and only person to have participated in all three of these types of crime. So on top of having the longest criminal record, he also has the most diverse. This has led to numerous problems for criminal psychologists attempting to categorise him as either a sexual-sadist type or an anger-retaliation type.
To add insult to injury, he now resides in a luxury retreat known only as 'Heaven'. It is rumored to be stocked up with every pleasure known to the senses and no expense is spared in providing for the needs of this cosmic Don. That he could committ so many brutal crimes, get away with it for thousands of years, evade punishment and still live in luxury is nothing short of miraculous.
All in all, Jesus has displayed remarkable aptitude for tactical and strategic planning, especially considering his possible psychotic condition which some have inferred from the violent nature of his crimes.
So the question is: does this make him the most successful criminal of all time?
Screenshot from the upcoming game 'GTA V: Jerusalem'.
EDIT: as many people have displayed a shocking ignorance of basic Christian theology, I'm providing a link to a Christian explanation of the trinity here.
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by k'tulu
lol I love how Christian theology goes out the window the second it puts theism and its sympathisers in hot water.
How could one possibly counter such finely tuned logic?
many 
you 
want but the fact remains you haven't provided any sort of evidence that Jesus advocated stoning women, massacring cities, etc. Instead you've taken Old Testament scripture, (incorrectly) labeled it as being from Jesus as bait, and waited for Christian believers or sympathizers to argue against you so that you can spring your little trap and say Jesus is God and therefore Jesus does advocate said evils.
