The Greatest Story Ever Told... Improved
Every year I engage in a little tradition at Total War Centre when, come the season of goodwill to men, I like to start a thread telling the Greatest Story Ever Told, that of the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. However, I being blessed with the gift of a brain, like to mix this story in with a little facts because somehow, I find the world wonderful enough as it is without having to lie to people.
So, if you are sitting comfortably, I will begin...
Herod was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was upon 'Change for anything he chose to put his hand to.
Old Herod was as dead a door-nail.
Herod, the client-King of Juidea had died April or March in the year 4 BC. This is confirmed by the Jewish historian Josephus, a harsh critic of King Herod the Great and by the archaeology of coins to be found with Herod's bust followed by those of his successors, who dated their own rule as beginning in 4 BC. There is no confusion between Herod the Great and his successors, because Herod the Great was the last Herod to rule Judea, his successors ruling only fragments and the gospels specifically referring to him as "the Great", a moniker earned from his building programs. There is no doubt Herod was dead. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.
As we all know, as our calender suggests, Jesus was born in the year 1BC/AD... whatever... in Bethlehem in a stable, where he was visited by the Magi. This is just as well, since Jewish tradition held that the messiah would be born in Bethlehem! I mean to say, that if some Carpenter's son from Nazareth wanted to convince a dozen unwashed fishermen of his divinity being born in Bethlehem would be quite useful, wouldn't you agree? And I suppose, if you were an early Christian trying to spread your cult, why not incorporate the Jewish Messiah myth into it to gain Jewish converts, just as early Christians took the 25th of December Sun festival to convert pagans, yes?
Fortunately Jesus, or some later placed and aforementioned charletan had just such a literary device available! You see, the Roman Empire required that a census be carried out in the province of Judea, and that every man had to return to their town of birth to register. We are not told why the Roman Empire decided to put such an unnecessarily difficult and logistically impractical condition for this census, but they did. Apparently. No really. I mean they never did it anywhere else, there's absolutely no good reason why they would, and there's no evidence they did in Judea, but shut your mouth, Mary and Joseph need to get to Bethlehem and I bet you don't have any better ideas how we're going to do that one.
Now, here's the thing, the first Roman census of Judea wasn't until 6 AD - the census of Quirinius. It is not possible that the census could have been earlier, because any earlier and Judea wasn't a Roman province and they wouldn't have needed to perform a census as the client Kings were doing their taxing for them. Quirinus is also accounted for during Herod the Great's reign as being on campaign against the Homonadenses in Anatolia. The man was even awarded a triumph. This is as much certain that Herod was as dead as a door-nail.
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of iron-mongery in the trade.
Anyway, we return to our narrative. Joseph had, in 6AD, to meet the needs of the census and travel to Bethlehem, says the Bible. But there is a twist, you see, in my story. His fourteen year old wife (oh yes, God thinks old enough to bleed, old enough to breed) Mary was preggers. Up the duff. With child. This caused our friend Joseph no matter of puzzlement because he had not as of yet tupped his pubescant bride.
Now, you and I may suggest that she had no inclination to be penetrated by some hairy, unwashed carpenter two decades her senior and had instead had it off with some swarthy stable hand. But no, this girl had balls a plenty, looked her husband straight in the eye and said, "God did it." What a little trooper. But you know, these people stone women to death pretty frequently for minor offences so what has she got to lose? The guy might just buy it.
So anyway, Joseph, now with more stress than a man needs, has to transport himself all the way to Bethlehem for a stupid census, and six years back in time, with a pregnant teenage slut in tow. I do not envy the chap.
But this he did! And he was forced to stay in the 1st century equivelent of a Travel Lodge - a shite encrusted stable. It was probably, actually, built primarily from dried shite, 1st century Jewish building techniques being as they were.
Now Zombie Heord now held court with three wise men from the East, the magi! The Archbishop of Canterbury himself has recently conceeded these men are pure myth, but they are talking to an undead King on their way to see a time traveling cuckold so let's not pick hairs. To cut a long story short, Herod asks them to report back to him if they find the Messiah so he can praise him himself, but the three wise men receive a dream from some theatrical device and don't. Zombie Herod then, either to make sure he is undisputed King of the Jews, or for delicious, delicious brains, massacres all the new borns in an entire town.
An overreaction you would think would have been recorded in a single other historical source. It's not repeated anywhere except the Bible. Not even Herod-hating Josephus mentions it, and he certainly would have.
Merry Winter-Festival-of-your-Choice.
Originally Posted by Saint Nicholas
