Funniest noob battle

[Lord Thesaurian]

Well after a few months of quitting RTW out of boredom, i decided to try MP. I had played before, but never steadily, and thot it might be fun.

Anyway Ive been playing on and off for a few weeks now and just got done playing the funniest battle. I faced some Roman as Seleucia (me vs host, 1v1 10k no HAs) and prepared for an onslaught of archer auxilla, urbans and praets. But to my amazement he brought no archers at all, only the usual massed urbans and praets.

Realizing his mistake, he immediately threw away all his pilae on my phalanx pikes, charged his urbans into my phalanx pikes and mulched them, but not before i poured a good many arrows onto his exposed flank.

Meanwhile I moved my eles into position and got ready to mulch his line. In desperation he charged all his praet cav into me eles, and i proceeded to slaughter them.

However having lost my line and withdrawn my cataphracts and archers a ways it was just my eles and 7-8 full units of urbans. So he turned and tried to attack - in columns So I charged through his columns a few times with the eles.... and slaughtered them Beat him with my reg eles alone, no upgrades. Heroic victory. I thought it was too hilarious not to share....

Anyway I figured this could become a sort of story sharing thing where ppl could share funnny noob battle stories. Not necessarily noob pewnage, just suprising or funny battles.

[kostas84]

The funniest battle i ever had was 2 years ago, there was a guy that did a match, 1000000 denarii, no rules, he spammed 20 armored elephants. Lol.

[Titus Maximius Thongus]

when this guy spammed an army of 12 sacred band hoplites and complained when I attacked him from the flanks and rear.

and when another guy spammed 16, 16, I repeat, GREEK cavalry (oh my gosh, shock and horror) and frontal charged my legionary cohorts repeatedly until there were none left.

[|Sith| Max]

Well after a few months of quitting RTW out of boredom, i decided to try MP. I had played before, but never steadily, and thot it might be fun.

Anyway Ive been playing on and off for a few weeks now and just got done playing the funniest battle. I faced some Roman as Seleucia (me vs host, 1v1 10k no HAs) and prepared for an onslaught of archer auxilla, urbans and praets. But to my amazement he brought no archers at all, only the usual massed urbans and praets.

Realizing his mistake, he immediately threw away all his pilae on my phalanx pikes, charged his urbans into my phalanx pikes and mulched them, but not before i poured a good many arrows onto his exposed flank.

Meanwhile I moved my eles into position and got ready to mulch his line. In desperation he charged all his praet cav into me eles, and i proceeded to slaughter them.

However having lost my line and withdrawn my cataphracts and archers a ways it was just my eles and 7-8 full units of urbans. So he turned and tried to attack - in columns So I charged through his columns a few times with the eles.... and slaughtered them Beat him with my reg eles alone, no upgrades. Heroic victory. I thought it was too hilarious not to share....

Anyway I figured this could become a sort of story sharing thing where ppl could share funnny noob battle stories. Not necessarily noob pewnage, just suprising or funny battles.

hey Ita. i wondered what happened to you since my apprentice helped you get over your Praetorian cavalry VS Cataphracts issue. nice to see you back on the game.

[Saint_jimmyz]

2 words: noob box.

Me (Senate) vs Host (Macedon)
5 urbans, 6 praets, 4 archers
8 royal pikes, 4 archers

First time I played this guy I just parked my urbans directly in front of his pikes and poured javalins into the unit until it died, and instantly threw my urbans and praets into the center of the box. Instant rout, archers not even needed. 1-0

The guy wanted a rematch, so we used the same armies. I did exactly the same thing. This time he marched his damaged unit of pikes into combat with my urbans. I charged my praets into the flanks, that unit routed, urbans and praets into center of box, instant rout. Archers not needed. 2-0

He wanted another rematch, with the same armies. He made his noob box into a long thin double line, with pikes facing front and back, but with exposed flanks. I felt sorry for the guy, so I didnt touch his flanks. I just parked my urbans infront of his pike line, poured javalins into the units, then charged them in. Once the urbans had disrupted the pikes, I just charged my praets through the urbans and the engaged pikes, and into the archers and the rear of the second pike line. I took casualties, but routed the rest of his army before mopping up the last few pikes. Archers still not needed or used. 3-0

I miss MP...

[Drakedeath]

I hosted a 15k CWB battle, and my opponent chose Macedon the second he entered, so I chose Rome. He'd told me he knew CWB. When we were done deploying, I saw (counted them) 14 units of cavalry. When he refused to withdraw any of them, I just terminated the game. If there's a minor rule infraction, I play the game, but that was just ridiculous.

In another 15k CWB battle, my opponent decided he'd be a wise guy and bring two heavy onagers and two scorpions to the battle (Armenia vs Rome). He didn't say gl hf, just "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." So I decided to do my service to the community and show him why he's an idiot. He'd deployed his onagers on the back line and his scorpions on the right wing. I sent two of my cataphracts around his left flank while our armies advanced, and three around the right to deal with the Praetorian cav protecting his Scorpions.

He then proceeded to directly charge one of my cataphracts with all three Praetorian cav, allowing me to envelop and kill them and destroy the scorpions. My other catas charged and destroyed his onagers and archers on the back line. He decided his best choice was to charge half of his Urbans and one of his Legionary First Cohorts at my catas, who were able to outrun them, and the rest of them at my Heavy Spear line without throwing pila. My spare catas hammer and anvil'd the back of his engaged units and routed them, and my other catas successfully lured the rest of his army to my reformed Heavy Spear line at a single point. I pulled an Armenian Hannibal and closed in on three sides with infantry, then charged the back with my catas and forced them all to fight to the death.

At the end, he proceeded to complain, "omfg, you hacked. howd you rout my arty and cav so fast? rome has the best cav in the game!"
To which I replied "lulz."

[Ars_Malleus]

I hosted a 15k CWB battle, and my opponent chose Macedon the second he entered, so I chose Rome. He'd told me he knew CWB. When we were done deploying, I saw (counted them) 14 units of cavalry. When he refused to withdraw any of them, I just terminated the game. If there's a minor rule infraction, I play the game, but that was just ridiculous.

I remember those players. Always a pleasure showing them that it does them no good. Similar thing happened to me except my opponent (Seleucid, user: ior) brought 5 Silver Shield Legionnaires, and 6 War Elephants...in a CWB battle. I even asked him before hand if he knew what CWB was about and he said "ya". Not to mention that the title of the match was "1v1 CWB". HOW DO YOU MISS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I digress. Anyway, I was using a semi-premarian army (4 hastati, 4 principes, 3 triaii, 5 roman cav - cuz they look so much cooler than equites ). He charged my left side with everything he had and all hell broke lose. I emptied my pillum into his elephants and ALL his elephants went "Running Amok". I laughed so hard. He brought that many elephants and now they're killing his own men.

In the end I managed to virtually 75% percent of my army including most of the left wing since I got them out fast enough and reformed my formation to meet whatever is left of his Silver Shields. Epic fail on his part

Edit: you can actually find the replay here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z51G8_gy7lM

[|Sith| Max]

miss mp too. with exams drawing near i find myself playing considerably less than normal..
I'll say to you what i say to any person that enjoys MP. Join a good clan.

[empr guy]

playing against noobs is usually frustrating, but they have their funny moments. I remember playing against a macidonian noob box with a nearly purely calvary scythian army and as i was arranging troops the catapult he brought hit one of his units, routing it, which meant his box was open and my calvary poured in. after the battle he told me if he haddent brought the catapult he could have beaten me easily, and when i pointed out he had used a noob box, he said "whats your point?" and left lol.

[Titus Maximius Thongus]

when my opponent camped against the backline on top of a giant hill, had restrict camera on (therefore I couldnt even pan the camera up enough to see his army), and he had some ridiculous amount of pharoah's archers, pharaoh's guards and chariots.

I did what I could, his being on a hill up against the backline meant I had no choice but to attack his army from the front. Was still a close thing, but lost it in the end =(

guess I veered off topic, not really funny, but frustrating.

In a rematch battle on the syrian flats, he proceeded to bring 10 persian g/g cav, and after nearly wiping out 8 of my g/g archer auxilla he laughed 'it was foolish of you to bring footarchers, I just destroyed them'
then as the main battle commences as his mass cataphract line charges my legionaries from the front, I use my surviving archers to target his elephants and they storm into his catas and squash a good number of them

[|Sith| Max]

Thats indeed a funny one. Most new people do not realize that CWB is THE most common rule set Used online. If the host doesnt say what the rules are and he is a regular player, its safe To assume its gonna be those rules 75% of the time.

[Rilsaur]

Earlier today, it was 2v2 no rules, 15k. it was me & my teammate, both Seleucia, vs Carthage & Egypt. naturally, with it being no rules, we expected chaz & ele spam, so we were quite surprised when our enemies had neither of those! Egypt had like 8 pharaohs guards and like 5 or 6 pharaohs bowmen, & then 4 units of Nile cavalry. Carthage had a large cavalry force & some Sacred Band & slingers, but many of their cav was light horse, like Round Shields and stuff! I can tell these guys were fresh out of campaign, our catas and companions just completely destroyed them, i think i got like 1500 or so kills. I have the battle saved so i could post a screenshot but I'm too lazy to post it unless someone wants me too.

[{GrailKnight}]

Post the replay lol, i'd love to see that, battles like that are rare these days

[nvm]

Strange. Usually even Egypt players fresh out of the campaign bring either 20 stacks of pharaoh`s bowmen or 20 chariot archers.

[Rilsaur]

Barely any of his troops were upgraded either, here's the replay. unzip to your "replays" folder in your RTW folder, I assume you know this already though.

[Dave Strider]

IDK, Round Shields can be pretty good. I used them in campaign and I could use them to rout a full unit of Principies with 1 charge..on Hard Difficulty.

[Rilsaur]

IDK, Round Shields can be pretty good. I used them in campaign and I could use them to rout a full unit of Principies with 1 charge..on Hard Difficulty.

They aren't adequate for multiplayer though.

[Saint_jimmyz]

They aren't adequate for multiplayer though.

Certainly not without upgrades, but that makes them too expensive to be worth the effort. But they are much better than anything the Greeks can throw at you.

[Rilsaur]

Certainly not without upgrades, but that makes them too expensive to be worth the effort. But they are much better than anything the Greeks can throw at you.

that's true but why bother getting round shields when you could have Sacred band cav instead, which will (hopefully) be much more effective & less fragile then round shields.

[scougall9]

5 person FFA. I was carthage, had like 10 sacred band pikes a few slingers and a few cav. Selucids brought 10 elephants, and 10 chariots. Parthia brought 20 catas, Egypt 20 chariots and germany 20 zerks. That battle was funny as, German ran towards me and i just said, Ah it! and ran all my units right into them, slingers too no pikes. lol