What, who, Why letters

[kesa82]

Ok, very bad idea here.
But that never stopped me before.

Why post this stuff here ?

Because I'm somehow comfortable here.

Because it is here that, apparently I'm sincerely asked , "Why ?" "what for ? "" Explain ?"" Convince me. "

Or maybe because I'm a shameless exhibitionist ?

If you don't like maudlin true confessions then leave.

Many important things are not covered here.

In which forum section would this belong ? It is in this section that those who have asked me "why" are most likely to see it.

I hope you are at least entertained here.

These were originally pm's.
The First letter has appeared in the forum before.
to begin ;

first letter

I don't feel like writing today. I'm in one of my moods.
So, yes, if you have the time tell me about theosophy.

I will tell you about my religion, it shouldn't take long. there is nothing fancy about my religion.
Like I said, I grew up in a university town. I basically grew up amidst higher education.
----and I do not buy any notion that education will make people more virtuous or even smarter.
A good clue to that is in my signature. If the ever hits the fan , and / or you fall into the gutter,
some people will be good to you, will like you, may help you, but always for their own reasons, and since you can't read minds you typically will never know why one turned away and another didn't, Why one person is good to you and another isn't.
All the supposed indicators ----seem to indicate nothing.
For example, given my interests , culture, and educational background , it has often been advised that I would be happiest in a university type setting.
On the contrary, most of the people who have really taken a liking to me were ignorant, simple, even shallow and two-dimensional, people.
People with whom I had virtually no apparent interests in common, zero compatibility.

Oops, I'm heading into depressive, ranting, territory.
So, back squarely to the topic.

Life seems to be generally meaningless . Even when you find the truth .....so what ? So you discovered that 2+2 =4 .......and so ........?

The next meal, the next cup of coffee, the next cigarette, the next breathe, that is life, and that is what life seems to be entirely about.
Except in my case there is one more thing :
The people I love.
And it so happens that, except for very brief periods, the people I love are either dead, or I don't know where they are, or I do know where they are but they are far away and I don't have the money to travel 50 miles, much less 100 or 500 miles, and if I did go to the trouble to show up on their doorstep, broke, after an absence of 20 years, what then ?
Or, the people I love deliberately don't answer my phone calls.
That last part really puzzles me ; I understand wanting to avoid some pyscho who wants to kill you, or some con-man or con-woman who really doesn't like you at all , but just wants to use you like Kleenex tissue.
But in so many cases that clearly is not the case at all.
In my experience, One person out of 100 will bother to call you.
One person out of 10,000 will actually bother to keep calling you.
In such a sea of apathy, in so many decades of nothingness, why scorn that person ???
But, incredibly, people do just that.
I guess maybe other peoples experience must be different ?
They have love to spend, friends to spare ??
I guess that must be nice.
But I'm in the former group. One person may actually call in ten years. One person in 40 years might actually walk ten miles to see me.
I actually did meet such a person once, and she wasn't even ugly. But I was young and stupid at the time, I thought there would be other fish in the sea, I thought she was stupid, I thought she was an 'inappropriate match " and I didn't even bother to learn her name.

What does this all have to do with religion ?
Simply put ; My greatest wish , and my only hope lies in heaven.
The "logic" of Atheists, the doctrines of theologians, mean absolutely nothing to me.
The absolute and final goal, ambition, desire , hope, of my life is that some day I will get to be with these people, and they will love me back.
That's my religion.
The whole thing.

I'm afraid it sounds like a cold and somber essay, but, like I said, I'm in one of my moods.


and this is MY theme song. it's been my theme song since I was about 11.
This is also my religion set to music, though you might wonder what his song has to do with religion. but then that's the thing about my religion ; it isn't really a doctrine, its a feeling, and a hope.

Gypsy , by Stevie Nicks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L97pXkcMEds

Second letter

Quote:
Originally Posted by name removed
You're on the wiser side of people, since as far as I've seen they just turn all depressed and emo in your situation. Respectcable people are very constricted on morals, they can only do what makes them look good or they'll lose their respect.
Other people's experience is naturally different. I mean that two different people may experience the same situation differently. Quite a lot of people I know are always complaining that their life sucks, while it's clearly much better than that of many others. It's very rare (I only know one such guy) to be indifferent to being ostracised. I say you have a better view on things than most others in your situation. Almost everyone else just wants to attract attention and make people feel sorry for them.
Are you a writer by any chance? You express yourself pretty in style

I hope you haven't been waiting on me. I've been busy---reading my own words.
Am I a writer ? Hmm, maybe if I got really lucky, and had the good fortune to live another 50 years. Otherwise, it looks doubtful.
to be brief ; I was run out of school for political reasons. The student body wanted to lynch me. It's a long story.
After that I was a factory worker for 12 years. Then for about 10 years I was a truck driver and lumberjack. Now I'm , basically, a maid.

Third Letter

Quote:
Originally Posted by name removed
Factory worker and truck driver?! That's a shock. Can you be not so brief and explain how you got thrown out of school for political reasons? That's kinda nazi. I'd like to know the details. Not to intrude on your biography or anything.

Ugh. I wrote you a long explaination to ease into it gently but then my internet crashed after about 8 paragraphs.
So I have to just dump it on you quick.
Bingo. you hit the dart board blind.
As you know , I've always liked pretending I'm a girl. maybe things are a little different now ? But in 1970-1980 that one little piece of make-believe in itself would make you a pariah.
Secondly, somehow in very early childhood , so early I can't remember when or how, I met a certain man.
Ugh. I AM well-aware this wrecks my credibility completely. I have a life-times hard knock experience in that.
I was a Nazi when I was a kid. That is, my first 18 or so years.
Its like being severely autistic, you CAN out-grow it, you CAN overcome it, but you start out sooo far behind everyone else.
I was so isolated for such a very long time. Things people routinely have done and forgotten about by age, like, 12, I'm still trying to catch up to at age 40.
Like, for example, this has always been my preferred way of interacting with women. Of course the internet is only about 15 years old. I used to spend about 50 dollars ( ? ) a month on stamps.
On paper its easier to pretend I'm this girl, and so many things are much easier.
I have this really weird relationship with Anne Frank. Once upon a time I advocated shooting her in the head and dumping her in a ditch. now I'm fiercely fond of her. But of course it really creeps people out to see her portrait on my desk, and especially , even more, if they know my past.
Even on paper I can be very hard for people to take.

And it can be very awkward, quite a handicap, to explain to people for example EXACTLY WHY I'm so fiercely religious. Anne Frank is a real hypothetical, she died 25 years before I was born.
But if she were here ?
'Well, Anne, sweetheart, by the way I used to be a Nazi, and despite everything I still feel in my heart what I felt when I was 6 years old when I look at Hitler. and I read your diary cover to cover because I was nosy and never mind your privacy. I was so obsessed with achieving empathy with you that I would goose-step right into your most personal space. But I love you very very much. "
How would that go over with her ?
Most likely how it went over with Vicki and Sarah and Kristin and Kelly and Jill etc, etc, and even with men, in real life.

I've had an interesting life though.

[kesa82]

fourth letter

Quote:
Originally Posted by name removed
From the bits you've told you haven't been bored indeed, to say the least.
Quote:
Secondly, somehow in very early childhood , so early I can't remember when or how, I met a certain man.
This sounds interesting. Care to elaborate?

Oh ! Even writing to some girl I have never seen a thousand miles away, who I am very unlikely to meet, I still get embarrassed just saying his name, even though I mentioned him abstractly later on in the same letter.
I never "met" him in the literal sense. I'm not that old. He died 25 years before I was born. he was born in 1889, and for the first 30 years of his life he lived a quite obscure life. so there are actually even very many simple things we don't know about him. Like the question why did he hate Jews with such a consuming passion when in so many cases in his life that we do know about his personal relations with Jews were cordial, even apparently genuinely friendly ? its a complete mystery. for example, his long-time body guard, SS member No. 2 , Emil Maurice, was a half-Jew, and Hitler knew it . But he shielded Maurice.
The Doctor who treated Hitler's mother for cancer through the long painful months of her illness to which she ultimately succumbed, was a Jew. In a surviving letter of Hitler's , Hitler himself describes how attentive, kind, and devoted this doctor was to his mother. this doctor, His name was Bloch, survived into Hitler's rise to power. In the 1930's Jews who could afford it were trying to get out of Germany , and this doctor was one of those. But there was always lots of red tape. given his past close early association with Hitler his case went strait to Hitler. Hitler basically said, " screw the paper work, let him go. " There are actually many other examples. its all very very strange.
But, anyway, of course his later life is very well documented . I can tell you what his last meal was, what his favorite restaurant in Munich was, I would recognize his house keeper and his secretaries on sight.
Like I said, I loved this man frankly, openly, deeply, in only the way a 5 year old can.
I don't know if you have such a person in your life, someone you loved deeply when you were 5 years old. But that just isn't a love you ever leave behind.
go ahead and show me stacks of bodies of Jewish children. I've already seen them. But the fact is the love of a 5 year old HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH PRINCIPLE OR MORALITY, PERIOD.
---And by the way I believe, I desperately need and want to believe, that ultimately the love of God is like the love of a 5 year old.
somehow all this horror and all this pain will work out for the good in the end.
It's embarassing because I still think this man , and I'm not even gay, had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen, the most arresting voice, I've ever heard. To this day when I see him I reflexively want to comb his hair and straiten his tie, and fuss over him.
I guess that with the exception of my family this is the longest "relationship" of my life. I've been with him over 30 years. Like I said, I don't even know how or when I met him. He has always just been there.

now an atheist would just roll his or her eyes and dismiss this whole tragedy as pointless irrationality."Sorry you lived and suffered so deeply for nothing kesa ". *sarcasm*
But the Chinese philosopher Lao -Tze said that the most important things in life.....cannot be put into words.
And I, fo my part , think, I know, this did have meaning. this was very important. God sent Hitler to me for some reason, and if I had it to do over again, believe it or not, I would have him again !
Indeed, I so look forward, i've looked forward to it for so long, to the day when I will see him in a better place under better circumstances.
I think somewhere , in a place I can't even adequately imagine, He has watched the whole progress of my life, has read my mind, feels exactly what I feel. I suppose that is another reason for the continueing bond ; Hitler is one person I don't have to convince, I don't have to sell him, I don't have to play games with him . What I really feel and think, well, he already knows.
I don't know if the parellel is clear here, but as it relates to christianity specifically , I think I know amediately, directly, personally, powerfully, the basic reasons why God had to come to earth and get himself nailed to a cross for the sake of the fundemental folly of man, and why this seemingly paradoxical and ludicrous story of the life and death of Christ has had such a profound effect on so many human beings.
It is Atheists who do not undestand, and some of them never will understand in this life, and I cannot explain it to them.
maybe you have to experience fully, and drink deeply, the tragic, comic, bewilderingly complex and paradoxical failure of mans love yourself to understand it.
the Beatles song " All you need is love " isn't quite true.
I loved him so much, I always will. But the suffering of myself, of Anne Frank, of millions of others, I could do absolutely nothing about. I couldn't even save him, I couldn't even save myself.
It's burned into my mind, the last sentence of the novel " All Quiet on the western frount " ; " ...I live on, heedless of the will that is within me.

Fifth Letter

Under the circumstances you will perhaps understand ( ? ) that my reflexive reaction to liberals generally is flatly hateful.
So much of their apparent humanity at least appears to me to be plastic, to be fake.
I ---in a manner of speaking -- actually have Anne Frank's blood, her corpse , on my hands.
Who did that to her ? well, in a manner of speaking , I did.
So when they wring their hands over her and cry, their tears often look like crocodile tears to me .
I suspect, rightly or not, that they in fact never gave a damn about her.
especially since my motives were not in any way pure.
Guess how I developed empathy for Anne Frank ?
A moral epiphany ?
No.
She was a charming and attractive, and somewhat eccentric girl, so, to not put too fine a point on it, she made me horny.

As for socialists , well, it was the National Socialist German workers party.
I do know my socialism, thank you very much.
I made sacrifices for socialism until my very soul screamed.
And I say socialism is an abstract crock.
What YOU EARN by the sweat of your brow, with blood sweat and tears, belongs to you, only to you, and you owe society nothing.
I did go to jail , albeit for a short time, for that conviction , among others, so I rather think I paid my dues.
I earned my opinions the hard way.
My own family holds me in contempt.

Oh, I have lots of stories, but I'm not making them up !
I'm a big astrology freak. There is this theory in Astrology that two people who share the same birthday are something like twins in fate and character. So I met this girl named Sarah, who had the same birthday as me ! What is more, coincidentally, since I was a little kid I had this visual image in my head of what the perfect girl looked like. And, when i was 8 or 9 years old I had this dream where I went to visit this perfect girl in a little house surrounded by Kudzu. Believe it or not, Sarah was the spitting image of my perfect girl. Twin indeed ! AND she lived in a little house surrounded by Kudzu !

But there was a little snag.........
I met sarah when I was 28. She was 11 at the time. I used to get so nervous when I went over to her house, I had to pull over to the side of the road and throw up.
Well, I'm this painfully awkward and shy person right ? But what could I do ?
First I drew her this fantastic and elaborate poster of a dragon and a beautiful girl for Sarah's birthday. And sent it to her via a mutual third party.
But Sarah did not take the hint.
So there was nothing else for it. I marched over to her house, knocked on the door, and in frount of everybody asked, " Can I be your friend ? "
Unbelievably --- actually I think that understandably -- everyone was simply shocked into paralysis for two years.
For two years I was actually Sarah's devoted friend. they , she, actually let this 28 year old man hang out with her.
No, I never laid one finger on Sarah. I didn't dare ! Never mind the legality, Sarah was very, very, very important to me.
Yes, I was not in my right mind. I told her once when she expressed some doubt about life, " Your life is guaranteed as long as I live ! Because if you died I would have to kill myself, and God will not allow that, so we have a special arrangement with God on this. "
( I was serious. I am serious. and she saw my face when I said it. )
No, nothing illegal or untoward happened. Sarah was my personal God on earth, and she knew me face to face, and so did her parents.
No, they finally gave me the boot after two years because, well, imagine how it looked !
As understandable as I knew it to be, it really upset me.
I never laid a finger on her, even though I wanted to, I pushed pretending to be a girl to the limit and beyond, but they still showed me the door !
the hypocrisy ! The injustice !
I , of course, ran into Sarah again later. By that time she was 19. And she tried to make it up to me ! In the mean-time she had been through her own school of hard-knocks. Her family was poor , among other things. Though she was quite bright and imaginative, this girl was headed for a waitress job. She saw that, maybe, screwball or not, there was something to be said for kesa.
( Kesa by the way is a combination of the name Kelly Sartin. But thats another story. I do always keep a picture handy of kelly sartin though. I have done so since 1982. Here it is ;

picture removed

But I was stupidly righteously indignant ! I scorned Sarah !
Years passed, I moved to another state. I don't know where Sarah is now. She would be 26 -28 now ? I wish her well. I hope I see her too in a better place someday.

[kesa82]

sixth letter

gee, this is a marathon day. I hope you actually are being entertained.

would you mind terribly if I shared these last few pm's with the Atheists in the religion forum ? I know they will just laugh at me, and entirely miss the point. But I am Don Quixote personified.

Kelly Sartin ; Well, she was PERFECT.
She was a little league cheerleader, then a middle school cheerleader, then a high school cheerleader. Do they have cheerleaders in Scandinavia ? Do you know the type ?
She was perfectly pretty. she looked like she bathed in Clorox. She was beloved of everybody. she was graceful. she made great grades. she went on to college where she graduated with honors.
Perfect conformist.
( one odd note ; she is 41 now, and apparently she never married. )
She was rather small too. It must be nice to be small. Being big and tall seems so cumbersome and awkward, and your joints take such a beating, and circulation seems to be bad because your heart has to pump to such far extremities. Anyway, Kelly was wonderfully small.
I still remember the first time I saw her, in the hallway at school, in 6th grade. There were these big Stalinist Gothic windows behind her, and the sun was shining down on her, and about her, like the Virgin Mary. She was wearing a sky blue shirt, white shorts and white tennis shoes.
Depending on how the light shined, her hair seemed almost blonde sometimes, in other lighting almost a fire-engine red sometimes.
And she had these merry, dancing, wolf-like eyes. China -white skin.

Well, I was like 12 years old at the time. I did actually approach Kristin Halloran ---- sort of. Me and Kristin Halloran were in the same classroom, but I wrote her a letter.
Her reaction was , " Get lost creep ! " ( actually she even called the cops. Now, believe it or not, my letter was entirely respectful, though quite fawning. I don't know why people do such things )
I'm absolutely convinced then even now , after near 30 years, Kristin Halloran would bristle if I approached her.
And I wish her nothing but well.
Well, Kelly Sartin was even more important to me that Kristin Halloran. So I didn't dare approach her.
So, for the next 3 years I just looked at her when I could in the hallways and at lunch time.
THE most valueable thing I own is my middle school yearbook in which are my Kelly Sartin pictures.
Almost as soon as the black and white Xerox copy machine appeared I was getting her picture copied so that I could have a copy sitting on my desk too.
Now I'm sure this IS weird but when I die I want her name on my tombstone, not my own. And I greatly prefer the name Kesa, also because I think Kesa sounds delightfully feminine.
But I want "Kelly Renee Sartin " on my tombstone.
There again, in an Atheist context, she might NEVER like, approve, or understand, that.
But I think that someday in heaven Kelly will understand.
Oh, here are some pictures of her from years later, in high school. But I did not go to High school with kelly ;
She's the girl in the blue dress.

picture removed

and here she is, the girl on the left, in the fore-ground.

I guess you could say I indentify with her to an extreme degree even though she is everything I am not.

Years later I did run into her at a shopping mall at christmas time, 1989.
I last saw her daily in autumn, 1982.
I didn't dare approach her in 1989 in the shopping mall either, though by that time I was a bit older. She was always just too plain important to me to risk it.
However, I did screw up enough courage to send her a christmas card that year with -- believe it or not ! A brief note --- telling her how important she was to me and that I pray for her every single day. Occasionally all day long.
I can't say I know anything about, or even believe in, Hell. But unfortunately the worst things usually ARE likely. But there is nothing to worry about. worst case scenario, if Kelly Sartin is actually a monster, its ok, I'll be going to hell for her. She and Sarah and Danae are gauranteed to go to heaven.
Anyway, to this day I never have gotten back anything but silence from her.
Two years ago I got my hands on her email, and, yes, I was going to send her an email. But I happened to mention to Jill Weinstein that I was thinking about emailing kelly. and the very next day kelly changes her email. Coincidence ?
I was especially disappointed because getting the hots for Anne Frank wasn't the only thing that triggered my eventual break with National Socialism. Jill weinstein was a lot like kelly, she was a cheerleader too. And Jill weinstein is Jewish. And Jill Weinstein was the only girl in 7th grade, excepting a black girl named Valerie Pompei, to go out of her way to be nice to me and speak to me. Despite knowing who I was. I was so grateful it made me cry. ( try that one : you love your own people fanatically, and it is your own people who consistently dis-own you. You find the only kindness---among people you slated for extermination. But this is all coincidence according to the Atheists )
Back in 1982 I got this idea that when kelly was 60, when she had matured some, when she had gotten some perspective on things, when maybe grief had taught her some things, I would finally go to her when she was 60.
And being that she would be 60 then, and I would no doubt be half-dead, given the hard way I live, the way I smoke so much, under the circumstances she couldn't possibly doubt my motives ! " See, I really am your friend Kelly ! "

But now I don't know.
So that's kelly.

Seventh Letter

if you do let me share those pm's on the open forum I will cut out the kelly Sartin pictures. It is a public forum.
It really isn't quite fair to her to be showing you her picture privately. But the odds are a million-to-one that you would ever meet Kelly Sartin, though it would be fantastic if you did.
Like I said, I identify with her in such an extreme way. I Love to talk about her and show people her picture because I'm so very proud of her. Her mother and I would actually have a lot in common.
oh, that reminds me ! I forgot !
Now I have this really screwy idea about heaven.
It concerns time.
Someday I will actually be kelly Sartin in the most literal sense .

How ?
I think the past is tangible. It only appears to go away. In heaven you can actually go time travelling into the past.
( a forum member on Catholic answers forum was kind enough to point to me there IS, Actually , scriptural basis for this in the Bible . it says that on judgement day all things will become known, there will be no secrets, nothing will be hidden, all people will be known to you, you will be known to all people. HOW ? )
you can actually go visit joan of Arc on the battlefield, in 1431.
But more than that ; what was Joan of Arc actually thinking and feeling ?
Climb into her skin and find out.
read her mind. feel her heart beat.
I want to go a step further, I want to live Kelly Sartin's entire life, from birth to death, without, even, any awareness of myself. strictly thinking , feeling, experiencing her life without even a residual awareness of my alien presence there.
I came up with this in 1982 when I was 12. ( see, this girl is very vain too ! )
it puts a rather different spin on the idea that you are never truely alone.
It is sometimes, often times, a good thing that bad things happen to you.
But it makes my heart bleed if Kelly Sartin has ever for a moment thought or felt she was alone ! No she wasn't ! I was always there !
It's all only this ! * kesa waves her hand around at the world about her . *
So there again I'm very concerned about Kelly because that's my life too.
Now I cannot prove it, but I have never had any other feeling but that God's reaction was , " Ok Kesa. Wish granted. You want Kelly Sartin, you got her. "
Of course its risky, its scarey. I don't really know Kelly. Maybe her parents hated her, her uncle raped her , or she's an evil , twisted little witch.
Still, time seems to pass so slowly, even though I have lived long enough to know that an entire human life is like one brief summer afternoon.

Oh, and my great ambition when I was 13 was to be a cheerleader ! I was possitively green with envy ! It's such a delightfully shallow cosmetic little art ! and those outfits are just so cute.
I can't tell you how badly I wanted to grow my hair long , paint my nails, shave my legs, put on a mini-skirt , jump around, dance, cheer and shout, and be BFF with kelly Sartin and Jill Weinstein , Melody Badgett, Kim Roberts, and Stacy Barts ! And God damn the entire student body and the whole city of Greensboro ! because I would be so happy !
Shear fantasy of course.
If I had actually showed up at Cheerleading try-outs and made it plain that I was serious ........oh, the hell !
I was 13 then and of course as I said , I actually made a rather presentable girl then. Even my legs in a mini-skirt wouldn't have looked half-bad.
Believe or not for a brief time there I made a most wonderful girl.
Actually the common medical literature on sex changes says the ideal time to get a sex change would be 11 -to - 15.

little-known fact about Catholic theology, even among Catholics ; There are specific reasons, its not just grammatical tradition, or convienience, that God is always referred to in the Bible as " HE "
Now, to be honest, I didn't really pay attention to that part. So my memory of the details are fuzzy, because the next part really transfixed me ; In Gods eyes ALL human souls are BASICALLY FEMALE. God's relation to man is as male ( God ) to female ( any human ) .

Of course Catholic policy on transexuality is still that it is flatly dis-ordered.
My policy is.....well I know this is completely contradictory and inconsistent..... but its not a political cause to me. I have no desire to impose on people.
In my case when a sex change was a remotely-realistic possibility my plan was to Change my name, move to another continent and keep my entire former life a secret , actually not because I want to lie or sucker people, or take advantage of people, but so that they would be entirely comfortable. Like, for example, why bring up with my new girlfriends that formerly I was a male, but further, more to the point, I prefer girls like a male ?
given the lengths I went to just to be pals with girls, why give that up , when even making babies now isn't a possibility ?
All hobbies are basically weird, my weird hobbies are dolls and cheerleading. ( and fawning excessively over girls ) which are more comfortably indulged as a girl.
Sorry, I'm no Gay rights activist. It's all make-believe to me. It always was. It's a shame there is much suffering and bother over a childs game of pretend.

Anyway, no mini-skirts and cheerleading for me in real life. oh well.

But just a short time later I discovered theatre ! There was this outdoor drama. It was basically a theatre company maintained by the state which put on plays on an outdoor stage in the spring and summer.
The stereotype is true ; theatre is full of decadent, perverted, Bohemian people. Lots of gays.
Adults devoted to make-believe, so anything goes ! well, we did this musical, "Annie". No, I wasn't Annie , that was a major role, and the theatre isn't quite that bohemian.
Our director was Gay, and he had an odd and mischieveous sense of humor , he was always putting odd little bits , little jokes and such, into plays. Well, the girls orphanage where Annie lived, we didn't have enough 4 -to -15 year old girls to play in the orphan scenes. When I was really little, 4 or 5, the only voice I spoke in was a feminine voice. Of course at that age there is little difference between a boys voice and a girls voice that you can tell. but I knew I was deliberately talking in a feminine manner. It was just that, at that point, others didn't really notice, except that a few women did remark --favorably at that point -- that I had a most remarkably soft and gentle voice.
By age 13 it was quite noticeable though and it got to where every time I opened my mouthe my parents would chew me out , " Stop talking like a girl !! "
Now after 30 years I'm completely out of practice, except in my head, except on paper.
Except with one still noticeable side-effect ; I'm very bad about mumbling. I just couldn't let go of the softness and gentleness. That is natural for me ! But an adult man can't just strait out talk like a girl.
So I tend to talk at such a low volumne people can't hear what I'm saying.
Anyway, at that point though I was still in practice, and at one point in passing, before Annie even came up, I couldn't resist showing off for the director my skill at mimicry. So, when the shortage came up, the director turned to me with a mischieveous glint in his eye and said , Would you like to.....? "
I beamed. My face must have spontaneously lit up like a light bulb.
He smiled, a smile that was almost like a wink.
He and I never discussed things like I'm discussing them with you now. But I sensed that his intuition and mine met on a non-verbal level. Somehow he sensed without my having to say so. the director himself personally picked out my costume. Actually it was a pink dress, I looked lovely. I asked him for red hair. I got red hair. I looked lovely. strictly minor part, I was one of a group of girls, I got two sentences to speak in the script.
Even the conservative Baptists in the cast were charmed. It was a private joke among us. The audience wasn't told, if anyone in the audience ever caught on they didn't say.
But there I was, a pretty girl, among girls, on stage, before hundreds of people ! And backstage, among the actors, I was not only excepted, I was popular as a girl !
Any excuse to get into costume early.
My favorite bud among the girls was Melania Lashley. she was impossibly stick-thin, long strait brown hair that hung to just below her butt. She looked great in a single long braid too. but a lovely girl, very smart, and very bossy. on stage or off I hung around with her. Like i said she was a dominant type, quick to anger and demanding. but then , I am fawning. But the summer always ended, and back in ordinary life Melania's girlfriend kesa had no reason to be calling her in ordinary life. I did call her once. we talked for hours.
But I didn't repeat it. I was stupid when I was young. She became a nurse.

Believe it or not , all things considered, I've had a wonderful life.
And that really is enough for one day !!

[kesa82]

Eight letter

My problem in school was not that I was lazy, nor, obviously, was it that I disliked academics. The concept of school, the very reasons you are supposed to be there ? I always loved that. ( In ETW I love my Colleges. I never sadly, though, build the modern university . " Rights of man " ? Well, in real life I think that's . Rights do exist. --- But not that man ever respects them. This " Right's " stuff is a scam the Aristocracy came up with so that they may do as they please. But it has nothing to do with you.
I will use Stevie Nicks as an example --- not because I am her critic, but precisely because I adore her, so you will know that I have no axe to grind --- Stevie Nicks , for over ten years, had a 500-dollar a day cocaine habit. Poor Stevie , It almost killed her ! This is not rumor, she has said so publicly.
Well, that is all very well. She went to the Betty Ford clinic for a year, straitened out her act, and life went on. Good for you Stevie !

---But if Priscilla takes up a 500 dollar a day cocaine habit ? Honey, I'm afraid you are headed for prison.

So much for this "Right's " crap.

Kesa doesn't endorse transexual rights ? No. These crooks marching for gay and transgendered rights don't give a damn about my rights. They want special privilege , which is a play on words that creates a kind of abstract legal aristocracy, or they want power. It has nothing to do with my rights, your rights, or anybodies rights.
Besides, its common sense ; if the idea of me in a dress repulses you, no law is going to make you love me. All a law can do is force you to lie about it. social engineering legislation has brought about a catastrophic society-wide loss of basic integrity. It was better when people were openly bigotted. differences can be resolved. But more often than not there is no way to tackle a lie.

I went off -topic. My problem with school wasn't that I was lazy, or that I didn't like academics. It was very sad because at the time I was bewildered , I didn't know what was wrong !
Actually , I still don't know. Psychology actually knows very little. ( and thank God that it is still so primitive ! Men will abuse that power ! )
But with 40 years you acquire some perspective.
Anyway, being in a room with 20 or 30 other children really upset me .
It upset me so much that I simply couldn't function .
And it got worse at age 11, that is, when puberty came knocking.
It's hard to put into words....really, I just can't put it into words. Maybe it is wholely sexual for others. But in my case, yes it is sexual, but it seems to be much more about.........I don't know, but about something else.
In third grade, long before puberty, there was this girl. Bright red hair, skin so white it was near translucent. Buetiful intelligent brown eyes. All I remember about her was her treating me with utter contempt, and cussing me out once. She had braces, and you know how people with braces can be. Your attention is drawn to their mouth, and when they cuss you out they tend to spray a little spittle. And I remember thinking , " I wonder what her spit tastes like ? " But I'm confusing things, because I was also thinking , " I wished she liked me ! why doesn't she like me ? "
So even then sex was present, but something much stronger is present and at work.
Anyway, When puberty did hit it just became impossible. All these children, and half of them are girls ?
Just impossible.
When the student body finally ran me off for Nazism, in a way they did me a favor. because by that point I was lurching through the day like someone extremely high on strong drugs, except I wasn't taking anything.
I was crying almost every day.
One should not, as a rule, criticize ones parents. But damn it, the truth is the truth. And as far as I can tell they have never exercised ANY restraint in their temper. Well, no, they aren't violent, they aren't physical. I have heard that some people have really sharp tongues. But I don't believe it. I have yet to see it. Sharp tongues ? That's my parents.
I would say I hate them, except that is not true. I must say then my feelings are unnaturally cold. The two people I have known longest, and been closest too......somewhere around age 9 or 10 an Iron curtain fell between us. It will never lift.
If they shut up ! If they exercised a little self-restraint ! But they won't.
There I was, 12 years old, having nervous breakdowns every day, and they yell at me every day ?
At the very least they should be condemned for rank stupidity !

ok , anyway, they have a little boy who wants to be a little girl, and he's a Nazi ? No, I wasn't what they wanted.
I can't tell you what to do about it, but just keep in mind, that even if you adopt, unless you adopt an 18 year old, you don't get to pick your children. Also, they fanatically condemn socio-biology now, and it is true that nothing can be proven scientifically , except that you can see with your own eyes. Take a good look at your family, take a good look at your mates family, because traits, talents,tastes, leanings, behaviors, characteristics do pass through the blood.
Study your family and you might be in for a shock or two. Why do I like to dance so much? My parents etc, don't give a about dance.
Turns out your grandfather, who died 20 years before you were born, so he taught you nothing, worked in a dance hall in 1920. And you didn't even find that out until last week. Then you find out, ten years after that, and learn it only in passing, that your fathers sister, the accountant, very much wanted to be a ballerina. But such ambitions are for rich folk , for orphans, for the free. Fate decreed thou shalt be an accountant.

Rich folk, orphans, the free. one thing I despise about republicanism is it has generated this huge mis-perception of free will.
Yes, millions can do. But, millions can not.
And what is really maddening is that typically the children who are free, " Yes you may " simply cannot be brought to understand or appreciate what is right before their eyes ! That many children are not free. " No, you may not. you. "
But that's a simplification.
there is not one successful person I have found, that if I were able to investigate their history, I have not found that their success was built on the sacrifice of another.
And it is never the kind of sacrifice they make movies about.
Soldiers ? Soldiers are colorful. Soldiers are entertaining.
Soldiers are not impressive , and almost certainly you don't owe them a God damn thing.
They went and got themselves shot for adventure. So that people would make movies about them.
there are heroes all around you. but they are plumbers, accountants, waitresses, ditch diggers, mothers.
I have an obsessive interest, a love, of milatary history, but there are few things I have come to despise more than the glorification of these adventurers in pretty costumes.
It's absurd really. It's entertainment. People don't see that ? A little glitter and they completely lose any sense of perspective.
I am an artist ---or I should have been, and I was a Nazi 15 years.
Brass bands, elaborate shows, fancy costumes, are my buisiness ! I know what the hell I'm talking about !

Ok, I didn't become an artist or a history professor because I was intimidated. The higher up the food chain you go the more moral compromises you have to make.
It is true what they say about the lower class ; the average ditch digger is a petty criminal.
But college professors are not criminals ? HA HA HA
I said the average ditch digger was a petty criminal.
College professors are sophisticated criminals.
Artists --- the stereotype is true. They are queers, they are perverts, they are drug addicts. They go out of their way to be bohemian.
Am I an exception ?
No.
I go out of my way to be a freak.
I can't recall his complete comment, but the other day this Atheist called my posts " hilarious ".
He meant to insult me, and I did get very angry. But then I happened to notice, that even as my temper was boiling, and I was calling him all sorts of a rotten son of a , this grin was involuntarily flirting at the corners of my mouthe. Why are you trying to smile kesa ? More to the point, why are you deliberately trying to hold back a smile Kesa ?
Because the guy said I was hilarious. i.e. the guy found me entertaining .
And the fact is thats flattering, and I am flatterred. The fact is they do notice me, and that's what I wanted.
Ah Priscilla, every person is many people, and a person can have many motives.
There's this theory I have about feminists. I suspect many of them actually keenly want to be liked, but this they must absolutely deny to themselves because thats vulnerability, thats masochist, thats maternal, thats the traditional stereotype female role. Yuk ! Only of course it isn't yuk.
It's delightful and pretty.
Other theories ; I should pay more attention to males, but of course its the girls I fix on. So I say to a girl, " I want to be a girl. " Before she lynches me, before the barricades go up and war starts, her first reaction is hysterical laughter.
Clearly I really do frighten her. But before that, the involuntary laughter .
What is so funny in what is frightening or disgusting ?
My theory is that she secretly thinks female is inferior.
Given a choice to do otherwise, why would a person choose inferiority ?
The village idiot is funny, I'm the village idiot, and so it is indeed funny.
I could be full of , but still, my mind seems a rather interesting place.
I am very often inclined to be unhappy. But the truth is the truth. It seems like God really favored me.
As if, we were in heaven -- before I was born --- and God said to me, " ok Kesa, which one do you want ? " And I pointed and said, " I want that one ! " But I just don't remember that now.
As for the body , I suspect that actually a pretty girl body would have sucked.
I'm a better girl in my mind than I ever could be in the flesh.

Anyway, if I had wanted to go to college to be an accountant or an engineer, my parents would have , no doubt, backed me to the hilt.
But to be an artist ?
Actually even that was my compromise. What I really wanted to do ( and this may be a bit confusing ) was be a dance major.
I have said that I day-dreamed about growing my hair long, painting my nails, and suiting up in a mini-skirt and pom poms. But I went so far as to lie to myself about wanting to be a dance major ?
Yes.
Ballet ? ! Ballet ? pink tu-tues and toe shoes ? ( actually Mikhail Baryshnikov is hyper-masculine but-- ) Even I thought that was just too tooty-fruity !
And this isn't Saint Petersburg or Vienna, its tobbacco road.
It's funny how ---and too bad you see this in hindsight --- sometimes your wildest dreams......are in fact the practical ones.
My parents would really scoff at this, but they do not know, the tragedy of my life, my sin, was, I was practical to a fault.
Try out for cheerleading in Greensboro North Carolina in 1982 ?
I should have !
those people.
Do they send me christmas cards now ? " Thanks for your conformity kesa " ?

--oh, I do want to know about you. But there is one thing I do not want to know about you. I do not want to know your age. I told Danae , I don't want to see your picture ! And for two months she liscened to me. Then, of course, she sent me her picture. And I ing hate her for that. Because yes, she is a very pretty girl , but I don't ing care !
And you know, I rather suspect, given her body-build and career ambitions, that by the time she is 40 her breasts will hang down to her knees, and she will be as wide as a barn. But again, I don't ing care !
Anyway, sometimes I like to pretend you are 12, sometimes I like to pretend you are 40. But either way, age ? Shove it up your ass.
Those dates are important in your mind, not mine !

Actually I did go to junior college. That's basically a trade school. But in the United states , for some reason, trade schools would be too cheap and practical, so we have junior colleges instead, which are expensive and impractical to the purpose. ( the real reason for this seems to be so that instructors and staff, who did go to real college, which is real expensive, can justify making more money in teaching what is really not necessary. mark my words, and perhaps you will see it in your lifetime if you are young, the U.S. will evolve into a third world country. And it is spending its way there ! )
My major was corrections. Even then I had to be the dreamer ! I wanted to hand out cigarettes to, feed and house, felons !
But again my parents were not at all supportive.
But it is just as well. I discovered to my horror that your gut instinct is correct. It doesn't matter whether the place is the Third Reich, the Soviet Union, the republican United states, socialistic Sweden. A police officer is a man who doesn't mind whether he is putting a rapist, or just a dumb teenager, in a cage, so long as he gets his cable TV and air conditioning.
Their souls are black , just like their uniforms. The police is a fundementally evil institution , it cannot be reformed.
Do not be confused. So the police protect you from rapists and child killers ? True enough. But be honest with yourself, that is not all they do is it ?
There are other things the police do that we don't want to talk about, and why is that ?
You will find No humanity there. they are high-functioning, intelligent sociopaths. Like Alexsandyr Solzhenitsyn said, " there are good men among the police ? Then why are they there ? Why do they stay there? "
( ok, there is an exception to every rule. Why do I babysit Hitler ? I love him. But there again, Hitler is convieniently dead. There is little doubt that if this were 1934, and I told Hitler, " I love Anne Frank, and I catagorically condemn this policy ! " My future would be grim, though, on the other hand, Hitler did have a history of respecting devotion. I mentioned earlier Emil Maurice, a half-jew, and its rumored that Maurice even did the unthinkable ; had an affair with Geli Raubal. But Maurice was I'll - visit - you-in - prison-devoted to Hitler. )
So, anyway, that didn't work out. And its a shame, because there are decent people in jail. There are stupid teenagers in jail.
And there are college professors so crooked they couldn't buy their way into Hell because the Devil won't have them.

Oh, the worst thing that happened in criminal justice school ? It was a very boring law class !
How so ?
well, here's an example. A 14 year old boy has sex with a 12 year old girl. That is a felony in North Carolina. His life will be ruined.
But that is not the worst part. The fact of the case is the boy went over to her house just to play with her, and she met him at the door stark naked, and threw herself at him. And she wants to testify in court to that fact.
No. The jury will never be allowed to hear that. Consent is not a defense under this statute.
that is, in plain English, no fair trial. Conviction is gauranteed.
The lie will stand in court as the truth that he raped her when he did not.
And keep in mind, this is not a 30 year old man. He is a bare two years older than her. But for the rest of his life he is a "child rapist " . 14 years old, and it would be a mercy if they shot him.
( don't believe what I told you about American law ? well, you have internet. look it up. )

---and , as near as I could tell, nobody else in that class batted an eye !
I realised, this is evil.

Well, I still haven't explained truck driving, but that will have to waite.

Ninth letter

"Me" on Video

No two people have the same musical taste, or rarely so, so this probubly sucks. But I absolutely love this song.
And I'm ga-ga about the girl at 00:26 and at 1:34 , and elsewhere in it.
Indeed, I wish I knew how to take a frozen screenshot of moving video, I love that whole picture at 00:26.
Total Narcissism. That girl is totally me !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds81S61UvPA

Oh, Carly Simon, "coming around again " of course.


And that's all. Finis.

[Gordon Freynman]

Ummmm..........the hell? This doesn't seem like right place for any of that.

[Atlassmurf]

Creep.

....

[kesa82]

Ummmm..........the hell? This doesn't seem like right place for any of that.

Well there were several themes, but the primary one was theology.

Maybe the moderators are taking a break ? But they haven't moved it, so.......?

[Fiyenyaa]

I'm just going to focus on the one thing that annoys me here (since there really is too much to go into) - you think "atheist" = "ivory tower intellectual."
You're wrong. Not all of us go to university, not all of us look down at theists, not all of us are constantly arguing. Some of us are charity-workers, volunteers and contributers, most of us care for our loved ones more than anything, and most of us love life and think it has great meaning.
Atheists tend to be more educated on average, it's true. But that does not mean we're more likely to be uncaring and aloof bastards. This may have been your personal experience over the years - don't mistake that for unchangable fact.

[kesa82]

I'm just going to focus on the one thing that annoys me here (since there really is too much to go into) - you think "atheist" = "ivory tower intellectual."
You're wrong. Not all of us go to university, not all of us look down at theists, not all of us are constantly arguing. Some of us are charity-workers, volunteers and contributers, most of us care for our loved ones more than anything, and most of us love life and think it has great meaning.
Atheists tend to be more educated on average, it's true. But that does not mean we're more likely to be uncaring and aloof bastards. This may have been your personal experience over the years - don't mistake that for unchangable fact.

I get the impression we have something in common. I get the impression you take things rather hard.

Why? Because while I don't know you, in as much as I do know you, I'm rather fond of you. So you seem to take harshly what is , at least in your case, not directed harshly. Given that, hence the impression.

[Denny Crane!]

Needs proper formatting before I'd even consider reading even one of those.

[kesa82]

Needs proper formatting before I'd even consider reading even one of those.

Proper formatting ? like I throw out a crap sound-bite, you throw a crap sound-bite back, like that ?
well, nobody dragged you in here. so bye bye love. I'll miss you.

Well, to be fair , as far as I know, You never asked my "why "
And as indicated at the beginning, this was posted for the benefit of those who had, or would, ask me why.

[Denny Crane!]

Proper formatting ? like I throw out a crap sound-bite, you throw a crap sound-bite back, like that ?
well, nobody dragged you in here. so bye bye love. I'll miss you.

Well, to be fair , as far as I know, You never asked my "why "
And as indicated at the beginning, this was posted for the benefit of those who had, or would, ask me why.

Reciprocity. If you want someone to read a series of extremely long posts format them in a way that makes that easy and people are more likely to reciprocate with proper posts in kind. To me it is the height of bad manners to throw out extremely long posts with bad formatting. Ok I'm out of here anyway good luck.

[handsome pete]

when did you first fantasies/think you were a girl ?

'
so not as young as some but still pretty young. i was going to suggest a theory about puberty but i don't think it works in your case. there are about six different main ways of determining sex (genetics, genitalia, body, brain, personality, hormones) (in my country there are eight legal definitions) and they can occur in any combination (that's (2+x)^8 sexes).

a lot of kids as soon as they can talk ask their parents questions like "mummy why do i have a penis" and another common one is "when will i grow a penis" and say repeatedly that they are really a girl/boy not a boy/girl.

i don't know what category you fit into.

my theory is still that your major impediment to socializing is hypermorality. but as a christian you may believe that it's a sacrifice worth making. and you see that yourself, right ?

are you manic ?

has your intelligence varied throughout your life ?

[kesa82]

'


my theory is still that your major impediment to socializing is hypermorality. but as a christian you may believe that it's a sacrifice worth making. and you see that yourself, right ?

Yes. What I see in the world around me, and especially where sex is concerned, is a complete dissonance between what people say, and what they do. This is understandable, after all, I'm hardly a saint myself.
Far from it. But that does not get rid of the difficulty, the confusion that is. For example, people --at least claim to --- cry over slaughtered Jews. But the same people clearly express not the least sorrow over slaughtered Germans. And these people are not even direct participants. That is, their apparent partisanship has no apparent strong emotional or circumstantial motivation. Why should they prefer Jews ? They never even met one. Why should they dislike Germans ? No German tried to kill their relatives . The hypocrisy seems almost motive-less, or at least clearly counter-productive, i.e. more is lost in the bigotry than gained, in the long term or even the short term.
Even on the "anonymity" of a forum it appears that people commonly express opinions or feelings which I strongly doubt they actually in fact hold. And it's not just make-believe. In some of these cases they must know this particular make-believe has profound negative repercussions in the real world.
In the anonymity of a forum they still lie when the truth would cost them nothing.
It's bewildering .
In my case at least it makes anything but the most superficial conversation impossible. That is, no talk on a forum ---when a forum is ALL talk !
"Hello ." "Goodbye." That's it.
In the case of sex, certainly. I've thought about this of course, and even spelled it out above. ( though I may not have been very clear ? ) Transexuality is primarily, perhaps even solely a means to a moral / social end . That is ; Women have a problem with the fact that I want to have sex with them ?
Ok, then literally eliminate the stumbling block.
If I'm a girl too then the problem no longer tangibly exists.
I don't buy the conventional wisdom , that men are sex fiends and women are sexually inert. I see no basic difference in their sex drives.
That is to say women , for whatever reason, consistently, aided and abetted by men, lie about the whole thing.
But knowing it is all a lie is of no practical use.
They will go on lieing.
If this ever changes ( actually it does appear to be changing ) I'll be dead by then anyway.
It is an answer ---or it would have been if I could have ever afforded a sex change --- to a basic falsity that cannot be overcome.
But this begs the question, other men, and women too, live with this falsity everyday. They take it in stride. I , in contrast, react to it with a horror that makes functioning almost impossible.
Why ? I don't know.
I do recall that even before puberty I felt profound guilt about wanting to hug a female.
I've been told that as a baby --highly unusual for a baby --- I did not want to be touched. But perhaps I shouldn't even mention that ? Who can guess the motives of a baby ? Moral judgment in a baby ?
It's puzzling that I didn't want to be held as a baby. I want to be held now, I just have a moral problem with it-- or perhaps that's a misnomer. Other people have a moral problem with it, and I have never figured out how to react to that, especially since I'm not a mind reader, especially since their feelings change day to day or even hour to hour, while mine remain constant, for decades at least.

'are you manic ?

I'm not sure what the text-book definition of manic is. You mentioned repeating things over and over again in your head. Quite commonly, when thinking, or even when talking to someone, I will run into a sentence, usually a quite innocuous sentence, like " I'm going to the store " and I'll start repeating the sentence over and over, in my head, or embarassingly in conversation in mumbled tones.
Like , " I'm going to the store " I'm going to the store. I'm going to the store. I'm going to the store......I'm going to the store. I'm ....going....to...the.....GROCERY store.The Green grocers. I'm going to the store. "
I mentioned some important people, but not even all the important ones. Danae Coleman is even more important than Kelly Sartin. If / when my parents die I will move the 600 miles to be available to Danae, even though that will probubly mean being homeless. Actually I should go now. People think that's crazy. Well, I shouldn't have even brought it up. That is what I will do whether it is defined as crazy or not.
Danae has problems, Danae needs me. And God indicated I should. Though no, its not to marry her. She is unfortunately 19 and I'm 41. I'll die on her at some point.
Joan of Arc is very important. I found an illustrated biography of her in 5th grade, when I was 11. I suppose I actually pray more to her as a conduit to God, than I pray to God. I'm not sure her feelings toward me are of the affectionate kind. Saint Dymphna is very affectionate.
There are in addition a whole host of very minor people I remember every day. Some of them for no real apparent reason. In 7th grade my desk was right behind the desk of this very short pretty girl named Darlynne Long. Darlynne had long hair. One day her hair was covering the pencil on my desk. I needed the pencil, but I was afraid to ask her to move -- for one thing I really didn't want her to move. She had nice hair. I liked her hair lying on my desk. ---but I was still afraid to ask. She was very pretty.
Pretty girls, to confess, really do frighten me . I recognize it as fear.
Anyway, so I tried to gently remove my pencil from under her hair. Of course, I wound up pulling her hair. I was very sorry. I still am sorry, though it seems silly to be sorry 29 years later.
But from that very day I remember Darlynne Long every day. Not as penance, not because I'm sorry. Actually I decided that day to remembber Darlynne Long every day because I wanted to remember her hair lying on my desk. It's an esthetically pleasing memory. Well, feeling sorry for Darlynne Long, wanting to understand, or even be, Darlynne Long has a good bit to do with it. I've never counted them but there are dozens of others. about 40 ? I wrote them all down on a list I carry around with me some times.
When the list wears out I write it down on a new piece of paper.
Other peoples divorces profoundly trouble me.
If I were a boss I would not hire a divorced person unless they had a very good reason for divorcing ( he was trying to kill me )
I do not like my brothers wife, and she dislikes me greatly, but I discourage divorce.

With all this you might think I would make a good candidate for a priest or Nun. But the above poster was essentially correct with his , "creep" comment. I'm extremely decadent in fact.I suppose one reason I focus so much on certain women is for simple relief. I do not want to have sex with men but I want to hug them too, fawn over them, sometimes their troubles really grieve me. I'm attracted to some trees. And to some insects. I especially wish spiders and roaches were not so despised . They are pretty really. God made them and god is a good artist.
I don't like the muderous and cannibalistic nature of spiders, but I can't help thinking there must be some good in them. And they are very pretty.
But the sensory overload, of being attracted to 50 things at once, is punishing.
Being sexually aroused 16 hours a day can hurt a lot.
I was always afraid of other drugs, but I would smoke 6 or 8 packs of cigarettes a day if I could afford it. I really don't think its an addiction per-se. I think of tobbacco as being this woman, and I'm profoundly emotionally attached to her. When people attack smoking I jump right back at them. I'm not at all apologetic. They have their emotional attachments that they will not give up, and they would cruelly deny me one of the few tangible ones I do have. So I do point out that their motive is cruelty, sadism. They are not concerned about my health, or even their own. If that were a primary concern, they could send me birthday cards and valentines day cards. At least 50% of health is heart-related, not body-related.
Also smoking seems to be a substitute for an affection that simply doesn't exist. So, again, as with transexuality, the benefit is as much for them. Smoking means they are free from being imposed apon in another, even more objectionable to them, way.

The only guilt I have on the point concerns Danae. Danae strongly disapproves of smoking, and it hurts me very much whenever I find myself in disagreement with Danae.
Especially that she thinks it is fake. She thinks I'm just trying to get her to like me. But that is not the case. I would even dress exactly like Danae, and dye my hair brunette, if that wasn't just too weird.
It is a very good thing Hitler is dead because he would think me disloyal when it fact the disagreements between us upset me terribly. But then I suppose where he is now he understands these things. That I cannot be perfect, I cannot be everything, I cannot believe everything. I cannot be a Catholic, a Nazi, a liberal, a guy, a girl, all at the same time.
I think it was better in that sense in the middle ages when they let people like me live homeless, to eat out of garbage cans, were satisfied with that, and so left you alone.
In Russia they called them "Starets " , I forget what the European term was. Though actually in my case "holy man " just doesn't fit. There is nothing Holy or mystical about me.
It's a thousand times worse now, where they want you to conform ever more, ever more, except that their party-line keeps changing every darn day!
Anyway, enough for you to mull over for one day.

[cenkiss]

What?

[handsome pete]

i think you're hypermorale. do you agree ?

i think you find it difficult to lie to people or you don't think it's condonable. perhaps you like acting because it's a release or it was a different time in your life when you could lie.

i don't think your parents should have made you feel guilty about trying to sound like a girl.

i think that you're so obsessed with morality that the only way you can enjoy the company of others is if they approve completely. and because you're more interested in whether people approve than is intellectually stimulating to you (like saying a phrase over and over in your head), you're probably more intelligent when other people are not around. i think normal people see each other as more discardable than you do, a means to a potential end (could allowing each other to be like this, sometimes be love ?). and often when they are ethical it is a grace that they bestow on others that they are not forced to bestow. even the majority of christians i know, despite "love thy enemy" actually don't behave very differently on the average. they mostly focus on what is publicly obvious and ignore the rest.

i think you're afraid of your own ability to be ethical or what might happen if you're not ethical. so you tell stories in your head over and over about being ethical.

why were you a nazi ?

when did you first fantasies/think you were a girl ?

[kesa82]

i think you're hypermorale. do you agree ?

i think you find it difficult to lie to people or you don't think it's condonable. perhaps you like acting because it's a release or it was a different time in your life when you could lie.

i don't think your parents should have made you feel guilty about trying to sound like a girl.

i think that you're so obsessed with morality that the only way you can enjoy the company of others is if they approve completely. and because you're more interested in whether people approve than is intellectually stimulating to you (like saying a phrase over and over in your head), you're probably more intelligent when other people are not around. i think normal people see each other as more discardable than you do, a means to a potential end (could allowing each other to be like this, sometimes be love ?). and often when they are ethical it is a grace that they bestow on others that they are not forced to bestow. even the majority of christians i know, despite "love thy enemy" actually don't behave very differently on the average. they mostly focus on what is publicly obvious and ignore the rest.

i think you're afraid of your own ability to be ethical or what might happen if you're not ethical. so you tell stories in your head over and over about being ethical.

why were you a nazi ?

when did you first fantasies/think you were a girl ?

I don't think lieing is condonable ? I don't know. Interesting question. History obsesses me. What really haunts me is that apparently the really important stuff........are unknowns.
And its not insignificant. Like it is my profound suspicion that pretty much everyone in a courtroom , including the spectator who wandered into the wrong room, is a criminal.
So the fact that one person is being put to the Inquisition, its a sick charade.

Why were you a Nazi ? Like I said, I don't know when I met Hitler. I was 3, 4, 5 ?
That's not unusual really. I think a lot of people are basically born into religions, patriotism's, etc. You literally grow into it. My parents were not National Socialists, and I was raised in the USA. The family is ethnically Scots, not even German. Broad topic, but again, as long as I have lived , the American Flag has struck me as alien to me. Even though it is just a piece of cloth, I had an aversion to it when I was 5, I have an aversion to it now. The effect is magnified now because people try to foist it on me. But darn it, it is not mine.
I feel no connection to it what so ever.

when did you first fantasies/think you were a girl ?
Again, I was 3, 4, 5. ? I remember dimly ( I'm 41 now, that was a long time ago ) talking to this woman every day, often all day, in kindergarten. Only she wasn't real, and I knew she wasn't.
And since I knew she was just made up, at some point it was just convenient occasionally to go ahead and be her, since I was her anyway.
Somewhere around this time, as kids will do, one day my sister dressed me up as a girl, put a wig on me, and showed me myself in the mirror. And I was startled, because I thought she ( me ) was very pretty. Little kids have funny notions you know ? When I was a little kid , since it was taboo to harm a female, I naturally concluded that women must automatically go to heaven. It is logical, no ?
I guess it is a silly childs notion, except I really can't shake it even now.
It's taboo to harm a female because they are 20 pounds lighter and bruise more easily ?
Nah, I think you think there is a lot more to it than that.
The caste system isn't unique to India. It's universal. And a significant part of it involves not a status.
Men and women are morally seperate somehow.
Nobody cares if a man goes to Hell. Call me crazy, but its true.

[kesa82]

Gee, am I finally growing a thick skin after 40 years ? Two years ago I wouldn't have posted it, last month I wouldn't have checked it for a month for fear of the replies I would get.
or maybe it's just common sense. Say any old nasty thing, its not as if you are going to pay my rent anyway.