Napoleon: Total War, further details LEAKED!

Napoleon: Total War

One game, 100 prices!

Intro

Tired of always paying the same for your games? Do you wish to have a life-changing game experience with customization beyond your wildest dreams? We have always thought that, in Total War, the PLAYER needs to be the one who decides -- the one who decides which armies he recruits, which faction he plays, and which lands he conquers! With N:TW, we have taken this to the NEXT LEVEL. So without further ado, allow us to present to you... Napoleon: Total War!
-- I. M. Fake, chief developper of Nappy: Towtul Warre

Napoleon: Total War, basic edition

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

This is the bare-bones minimum for the budding N:TW player! N:TW basic edition includes the game engine, one basic campaign, five factions, and three different units, re-skinned for all three! (Reskinned line infantry, reskinned "regiment of horse", reskinned cannon) All for only £29.99!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #1: Elite Units of Great Britain!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

That's right! Tired of the generic line infantry? Are you a really hard-core Great Britain player? Then all these units can be yours (yes, all three of them!) for only £9.99! Includes light infantry, riflemen, and household cavalry!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #2: Special Forces of Scotland!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Are you a REAL Great Britain fan? Can you smell the haggis, neeps and tatties? Fancy a drammie? In that case, you can't miss out on these two tastic units: The Black Watch and the Scots Greys! Watch them wreak havoc on the French for only £5.99!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #3: Napoleon's finest

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Are you a hardcore French player? Tired of your run-of-the-mill fusilliers? Then for only £9.99, you can get light infantry, grenadiers, and cuirassiers! Relive the glory of Napoleon's battles!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #4: Poniatowsky!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

What's the Grande Armee without the brave Poles? Ready for the gulasz? Can you hear the winged hussars in the distance? For only £5.99, you can unlock the famous Red Lancers, as well as the Pulk Piechoty regiments of line infantry!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #5: Guerrillas, guerrillas and more guerrillas!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Well, we kinda forgot to give Spain an army, but now you can relive the thrill of the Peninsula campaign with... err... guerrillas! Three kinds of them: Elite guerrillas, regular guerrillas, and guerrillas on toast. For only £9.99!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #6: Bagrations!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Are you russian for troops? Then there's no time for stalin! So why not drop by Barclay's bank and pay us the Tolly? This Benningsensational unit pack includes the Opolchenie, Cossacks and the famous Imperial Overpowered Guards, for only £9.99!

Napoleon: Total War, unit pack #7: Kraut attack!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Do you vant das neu units? Ja? In dot case, you must buy unser NEW PRUSSIAN UNITS PACK, mit der Jägers, Garde du Corps und Grenadiere, nur for £9.99!

Napoleon: Total War, map pack

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Tired of fighting on the included "Grassy Plain" map? Then get these six all-new maps to spice up your battles! For only £6.99!

Napoleon: Campaign pack

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bored with conquering Europe? How about going all the way to Uulan Bator? Get these pixels of real estate for only 6.99!

Napoleon: Total War: Elite Units of Everyone

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

That's right -- you can now get all the above unit packs (£61.94 value!) for only £50! Get them while they're hot!

Napoleon: Total War: Super Duper Imperial Deluxe Extra Glorious Edition

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Are you a REAL hardcore N:TW fan? Can't get enough of it? Then buy this exclusive edition with ALL the DLC above, plus the basic game! Separately, this would cost you £105.91, but now you can get it for only £90! So what are you waiting for? Buy it now, you knobhead!

Napoleon: Total War: NAVAL expansion!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ever wanted to re-enact Trafalgar? Now you can! For only £20, add seas, ships, and sea maps to your game! (Includes Royal Navy and Marine de la Crap)

DISCLAIMER:

This thread is meant as a joke.

A fitting joke on their bad marketting.

To hell with CA until they get rid of those annoying DLCs and make a full game and release proper mod tools!!!

Very funny but sadly a bit too accurate.

Although I disagree with the characterization of DLC, this was funny!

LOL, before i read the disclaimer, i was like..holy crap, those bastards lol

nice work!

+rep

I think i`ll have the "Super Duper Imperial Deluxe Extra Glorious Edition!"




Very funny satirical advert, yet it points to a hidden truth. Someone would say they love and buy it, I`ll bet.

ps.s Oh no! i can`t give you a Rep! I must`ve given you one for something else before!

You forgot to add the "Artificial Intelligence" pack. Oh wait, so did CA! My bad!

Very funny indeed, as always Jonesy old stick

Sadly all too believable!

Well written sales pitch. I think they should give you a job!

+rep!

It's like buying a First Person Shooter and only after you bought it, installed it, fired the game up you notice you need a DLC for anything better than a pistol ..

Capital spoof Jones old chap, as with all great satire a strong element of truth

Originally Posted by La♔De♔Da♔Brigadier Graham

After some careful thought, I would pay double the price for these units
with the addition of a India campaign with added coracles for 20 quid, then there you have it, I'm sold old bean

Well, you can always mod them in yourself!

...


...


As long as you buy our unit editor, for 500 quid.

...

...

...

Which can't edit meshes. Still, you can enjoy some very nice reskins. Blue, red, yellow... you name it. Hey, we DLCers have got a business to run, dontcha know?





Cheers to all for your comments!

I had a good laugh at this all to true joke.

+ Rep

Originally Posted by La♔De♔Da♔Brigadier Graham

Of course this assumes the NTW will include rivers in the campaign and battle maps, because everyone knows that in all major campaign every military strategist since wars began used bridges to cross rivers eh?

Don't give away our plans! We intended to release a map pack with rivers so you could actually play the Coracles DLC!

Ever wanted to re-enact Trafalgar? Now you can! For only £20, add seas, ships, and sea maps to your game! (Includes Royal Navy and Marine de la Crap)

Sounds to me like the latest DLC for The east India Company game, although I've never played it.

I've also heard that every single unit DLC for Empire will now contain at least 10 British units, including the Elite Units of the Ottoman Empire, Elite Units of The Baltics States, and Elite Units of the Brazilian Trading Theatre.

Very funny and sadly there's an element of truth to it. Great post!

I was getting really pissed of reading that until a realized it was a joke.
sounds exactly like CA in 5 years maybe.

The greatest form of comedy is that which is true.

Excellent! +rep

My insider at CA also shared the following additional features which will come in at only $5 each:

1. A commercial-skipping option to avoid those annoying in-battle interruptions about forthcoing CA games and add-ons!
2. A 24bit graphics option to change those blurry uniforms to the ones you see on the package!
3. A CPU booster-mode to make full use of your expensive computer and lift your performance from 5fps to what your PC can actually handle!
4. "Total Mouseclick Support" to ensure that what you click on actually responds - the first time!

And the really cool option will be a monthly membership for $9.99 per month, where you can get "Empire Total Relief", an amazing option pack that unlocks a fully functioning "Super-Pause" button (replacing the standard button which only pauses for 15 seconds... enough for a slurp of beer and to scratch your a** but not for a pee). It even includes a real pewter piss-pot (embossed with Napoleon's Imperial Eagle) for those times when a Steam patch temporarily screws up your super-pause.

:-)

Originally Posted by Pdguru

Excellent! +rep

My insider at CA also shared the following additional features which will come in at only $5 each:

1. A commercial-skipping option to avoid those annoying in-battle interruptions about forthcoing CA games and add-ons!
2. A 24bit graphics option to change those blurry uniforms to the ones you see on the package!
3. A CPU booster-mode to make full use of your expensive computer and lift your performance from 5fps to what your PC can actually handle!
4. "Total Mouseclick Support" to ensure that what you click on actually responds - the first time!

And the really cool option will be a monthly membership for $9.99 per month, where you can get "Empire Total Relief", an amazing option pack that unlocks a fully functioning "Super-Pause" button (replacing the standard button which only pauses for 15 seconds... enough for a slurp of beer and to scratch your a** but not for a pee). It even includes a real pewter piss-pot (embossed with Napoleon's Imperial Eagle) for those times when a Steam patch temporarily screws up your super-pause.

:-)

You... know... too much!

+rep