The title for this dubious honour probably deserves to be bestowed on the second Battle of Karansebes.
In 1788, the Austria empire was at war with the Ottoman empire. The Austrian armies were made up of Germanic troops (in the elite cavalry branch) and a hotch-potch of other nationalities in the infantry (commanded by Germanic officers). There was no common language and for most of the infantry a mere smattering of German words sufficed for the most rudimentary commands (mostly concerned with Attack, Charge, or Forwards).
On 19th September (a moonless night) 100,000 Austrian troops were in position near the small town of Karansebes, which they believed was occupied by Turkish troops.
A vanguard of Austrian Hussars crossed the bridge but instead of finding Turks, they found a wandering band of gypsies who happily offered them schnapps and girls. Bargains were struck and the hussars got stuck in to some R&R.
A few hours later a group of foot soldiers crossed the bridge but the Hussars were not willing to share their schnapps with the weary infantry. Instead, they took up a defensive position around the barrels. This didn't go down too well with the infantry.
In the darkness a shot was fired, and the hussars drew their swords and repulsed the unwanted infantry. In short order, the infantry regrouped and began firing on the hussars. Next, the infantry tried a full frontal assault which was unsuccessful.
At this point the infantry had a brilliant idea - they began shouting "The Turks! The Turks!" - which panicked the drunken hussars into retreating back across the bridge to their own lines. Unfortunately, this wolf crying had a similar effect on the infantry themselves, and they too retreated across the bridge.
The infantry colonel attempted to stop this rout shouting "Halt! Stehen! Bleiben!" but his troops had been taught only the German for forward commands. Worse still, some of the troops misheard Halt! as Allah! - and thinking that the commands were coming from the Muslim Turks, began firing towards the sound of the shouting - ie back towards their own lines.
Meanwhile, the majority of the infantry had arrived at the bridge and were bivouaced for the night. Suddenly roused from their slumbers by the sound of approaching firing, shouts of "the Turks are coming", not to mention the moaning of wounded men - all in total darkness - these troops did what any well-disciplined army would do. They prepared to repel the invaders.
Right in the middle of the camp was a herd of carthorses fenced in by makeshift hurdles. With all the commotion these animals became spooked, broke out of the corral and (quite sensibly) thundered off.
The artillery commander in the camp, believing the sound of horses hooves was coming from a charge by the approaching Turks, ordered his guns to open fire on the panicked horses.
As each part of the camp ran from the "approaching Turks" it encountered other soldiers who were still in their posts. Not having a common language the rear most soldiers fired at the shadows approaching them. The drivers of the munitions wagons cut the traces and used the horses to escape; the artillery men abandoned their guns and made haste to the rear; the camp followers fled in panic.
Two days later, after the dust had settled, the Grand Vizier of the Turks showed up with his army expecting to find an Austrian encampment. What they found instead was about 10,000 dead and wounded soldiers, whose heads they promptly cut off.
Most inept historical battle - Austrian Empire vs Barrel of schnapps
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What the hell happened to this WORLD?
