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Thread: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus (Being remade in "Empire of the White Hand")

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    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus (Being remade in "Empire of the White Hand")



    Book I - Rohan
    Chapter I:
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter I: A New Power is Rising

    A warm breeze drifted across Isengard, fuelled by the furnaces of the Uruk Pits.

    We, the Servants of Saruman the Wise assembled around the Black Tower to hear the White Hand speak.

    ‘A New Power is rising, its victory is at hand!’ The noise of our pikes greeted this enthusiastically. ‘This night, the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan! March to Helm’s Deep! Leave none alive! To war!’ And now our chants thundered across the plains of Rohan, over ten thousand Uruks of the White Hand were unleashed on the lands of Théoden.

    There would be no dawn for Men.

    *

    Before the walls of the Hornburg we waited for the order to begin the assault. The defences were strong but once they fell the soldiers manning them would quick work for they were few in number and weak in strength and arms. Finally our Leader roared to begin the tactics.

    The screams of ten thousand Uruks and clamour of our pikes upon the rough ground echoed across the mountain walls and quickly it began to take effect: you could smell the fear, as nice as the flesh of a man. Then suddenly an arrow whistled out of the darkness and slammed into the throat of a companion in the front rank and so we roared, louder than ever before, our Leader gave the final order and we surged forwards, pikes pointing at the sky. Ladders were pushed forwards and arrows rained down from above, some were deflected off the pikes or off the shields but most cut through steel and embedded themselves in Uruk flesh. One missed me by by a sword’s breadth but the thought of Man-Flesh spurred me towards the wall.

    The ladders went up, each already manned by one of our Elite. I reached a ladder and ascended amidst a rain of arrows but jumped safely from the highest rung to join the killing. I felled a Elf with deadly swing, defended against a furious barrage of blows with my shield then retaliated mercilessly with an overwhelming strength. Then an Elven shaft thudded into my shoulder and I roared at the sudden jolt of pain. The owner of the missile seemed satisfied – until I ripped from my skin, rushed up to the creature and embedded it in his heart. He gasped and stumbled and I savoured the smell of fresh blood.

    I charged into another defender with so much force that I knocked him from the wall and he plummeted into a stream. I glanced sideways to see one of our Elite rush towards the battlements armed only with a flaming torch. Realizing that the mines were in place, I rushed further along the wall and heard the satisfying sound of the wall exploding behind me-

    -but then the blast caught me and hurled me from the wall.


    Depending on the comments, I will either end it here ( comments) or continue it as an alternative ending ( comments) to - at first - the Two Towers, one where Rohan is defeated.

    Chapter II:
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter II: There will be No Dawn for Men

    Rain fell upon the ruined battlements, and for the first time Helms Deep was breeched.

    Unsteadily I rose to my feet and glanced around. The explosion had hurled me behind enemy lines without a sword nor Helmet, fellow Uruks were charging through the opening. I needed a sword.

    From an Elven corpse I took a fine blade and then ran up the walls. I felled an Elf and dismembered another but scavenged an Uruk sword from a companion who stood in my way with half his claws missing, I threw the weakling from the wall and continued the work of the White Hand. The defenders were well trained and wounds weren’t rare as I parried and cut, but no amount of training could defeat such overwhelming odds and eventually each foe fell. I encountered an Elf upon the walls who was dressed in finer armour than any other and bore no helm but no matter how great the creature was, even he despaired. I brought my steel down his back and he fell to his knees. Then I continued along the broken defences.

    The strange words of the Elves were shouted but I understood those of the men: the Enemy was retreating, victory was at hand. We pursued the enemy into the Keep and cut our way onto the outer wall. Already ladders were climbing up towards the wall but I wanted my share of the massacre before reinforcements arrived. Most Elves were dead and the Keep was mainly manned by peasants of Rohan. I found an Elf though who was aiming his arrow at one of the ropes used by the Great Ladders and stabbed my steel blade into his exposed and unguarded back. He wore no armour and so the sword cut deep, his arrow went wild and he collapsed to the ground where I finished him off with a blow to the skull.

    All the ladders had reached the walls and a man and a dwarf were fighting to the Death outside the Gate when the enemy Leader called to retreat. The Uruks flooded into the Keep from the ladders and the outer wall, then through the gate when the Man of the North and the Dwarf finally fell. The Last Stand came when our battering ram broke into the hall. The defenders fought to the last man but so few could not defeat so many. The King fell and his killer took his severed head and raised it for all to see.

    *

    I sat on the edge of the wall, a half-chewed Elf limb resting on my lap, when the reinforcements arrived. Led by a man robed in white, they charged down a steep embankment towards us. The closest Uruks lowered their pikes and the White Rider rose his staff and, with great amusement, I watched as a horse behind him succumbed to the forces of physics and crashed into the rear of the White’s steed. The two horsemen fell onto the ready pikes and the slaughter began.

    No-one survived the Uruk pikes and so I returned to my meal of flesh.


    Chapter III:
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter III: The Cleansing of Dunland

    The smoke and fumes of the industry of Isengard flourished like never before, a new army was to be born.

    Saruman the Great, Saruman White Hand, Saruman who gave us Man-Flesh, inspected the Veterans of Isengard. He had served him well and now one of us was to be rewarded. Our leader had been felled by an Elven arrow at the Hornburg so a promotion was needed and it was one of us that would become the new General.

    ‘Ah, this one was certainly in the midst of battle,’ Saruman the Wise had come to a halt in front of me and now examined my many wounds.

    ‘Pierced by two – no three – arrows, a deep cut along the chest and another at the waist. Many grazes elsewhere.’ The Orc scum that accompanied the White Hand finished examining me and glanced up at the Master.

    ‘Very Good...’

    *

    The Rank of General brought with it thicker armour and a recognisable helm and, once fully armed and equipped, I faced Saruman the Wise once again.

    ‘The people of Rohan are dead – or as good as. Their women slain as they fled through the glittering caves. Your orders now are thus: tonight, take one thousand of the Veterans north to Dunland, raid the towns, leave none alive.’ He spoke the last three words slowly and I nodded in understanding. ‘Also, there is a man outside: he is the leader of those who you are about to... annihilate.’

    ‘What should I do?’

    ‘Bring me his head, the rest... well,’ Saruman the Wise grimaced, ‘when did you last eat?’

    *

    Food was good that day but with my craving, one man did not last long. I readied the veterans at sunset then led them to Dunland as fast as the scum would run. It was jet black when we lit the torches and then we charged silently into the Wildmen’s chief settlement. We set alight the roof of each house, savoured the sounds of the confused occupants which turned into screams when they realised there was no escape, and then we breathed in the delectable scent of burning flesh.

    A town bell suddenly sounded and I turned to look at the source of the noise. The firelight illuminated the figure of a young man and since no-one else was taking action to silence him, I took a crossbow from an inferior and fired the bolt at the figure.

    Silence resumed... The civilians and soldiers burnt in their homes and the first settlement has destroyed.

    *

    We burnt our way across Dunland and our silent but cowardly tactics meant we met little resistance. By sunrise the Wildmen were eradicated from Middle-Earth.


    Chapter IV:

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Chapter IV: March to Gondor

    Sunrise came with a thick smog drifting across the Gap of Rohan.

    Overnight, both the settlements of Dunland and the Forest of Fangorn had been raised to the ground. There was no force in Rohan left to oppose us.

    Saruman the Wise called for my presence at midday. With the Master was the repulsive creature that was named Grima, a slimy piece of filth with an appropriate name. Saruman was pleased and that meant more meat on the menu.

    ‘The new soldiers are ready, the fuel has fed the fires well. One hundred and fifty thousand Uruk-Hai are armed and equipped and a further fifty thousand will be able to reinforce the main army in two weeks time. We march upon Minas Tirith – but first I need you, Grima, to infiltrate the Citadel, I do not believe you are at all familiar with the people of Gondor?’

    ‘N-No my L-Lord. But how do you plan to breech the walls? They are far greater than those of the Hornburg and there is no drain, no weakn-.’

    ‘The Mines will suffice, Grima, but we shall also take ballistae and Ladders. Once inside, Grima, you must cripple Lord Denethor-’

    ‘That will not be needed my Lord, ever since the Death of his son he has been so distraught that he has succumbed to madness.’

    ‘Good, then the infiltration will not be needed. Usrekí, I want the army assembled around Orthanc as soon as possible.’

    *

    ‘Victory was ours but a new age is dawning. Gondor will fall. Speed will grant us victory over Minas Tirith, linger and the Great Eye will be victorious. March now to the City of Men, march to Minas Tirith! To War!’ And so the armies of Isengard thundered Eastwards, across the bloodstained plains of Rohan, through the forests of Firien and Druadan and finally we followed the Great West Road as it turned south to the Citadel of Men.

    And Minas Tirith was under siege.


    This tale is over, finished due to its bad quality, it has been rewritten in the tale Parallel: Empire of Isengard which is complete and significantly improved.
    Last edited by Inarus; October 30, 2011 at 05:33 PM.




  2. #2
    Warmaster Tibs's Avatar Senator
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Sp your not ending your Gondor FF?

    This seemed ok. I expected you to start with the chase of the fellowship for more content in the story.
    I think this is ok not as good as the first chapter of your Gondor FF but still good. I say dont give up and keep at it. I do wonder where you will take this after the defeat of at Helms Deep.
    The AI is like a retarded overwieght child. He realy want all those fries, he just does not know how to get them. http://img1.coolspacetricks.com/imag...unny/81776.gif

  3. #3
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Warmaster Tibs View Post
    Sp your not ending your Gondor FF?

    This seemed ok. I expected you to start with the chase of the fellowship for more content in the story.
    I think this is ok not as good as the first chapter of your Gondor FF but still good. I say dont give up and keep at it. I do wonder where you will take this after the defeat of at Helms Deep.
    I don't like the "ok" but the thing is that I had more freedom in my Ithilien ambush/Fall of Osgiliath.

    I doubt I will end the Istion FF soon

    As to where next - well - alternative ending in which Rohan falls. Only problem is Gandalf. I shall continue and this time the Uruk-Hai will be victorious.




  4. #4
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Inarus View Post
    I don't like the "ok" but the thing is that I had more freedom in my Ithilien ambush/Fall of Osgiliath.

    I doubt I will end the Istion FF soon

    As to where next - well - alternative ending in which Rohan falls. Only problem is Gandalf. I shall continue and this time the Uruk-Hai will be victorious.
    How about all of the reinforcements led by Eomer/Gandalf fall down the incredibly steap hill like physics says they should?? I smell a war with Mordor comming along.
    The AI is like a retarded overwieght child. He realy want all those fries, he just does not know how to get them. http://img1.coolspacetricks.com/imag...unny/81776.gif

  5. #5
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Warmaster Tibs View Post
    How about all of the reinforcements led by Eomer/Gandalf fall down the incredibly steap hill like physics says they should?? I smell a war with Mordor comming along.
    But those Wildmen cannot be trusted to run free across Isengard, Saruman will want them... cleansed. Their purpose has been fulfilled. Yé or Nay?

    Oh and if Legolas dies then Aragorn and Gimli won't escape from outside the front gate of Helms Deep.

    P.S. I like the physics idea, the Gandalf arrival was a big problem.
    Last edited by Inarus; August 06, 2009 at 06:54 AM.




  6. #6
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Chapter II out!

    Keep Commenting!
    Last edited by Inarus; August 07, 2009 at 08:10 PM.




  7. #7

    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Because...I don't like him. That wrong?

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    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Florisz View Post
    Because...I don't like him. That wrong?
    He's brilliant, have you seen Two Towers Extended Edition?




  9. #9

    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Yeah...but I still don't like him...

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Florisz View Post
    Yeah...but I still don't like him...
    I WILL KILL YOU!

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    The AI is like a retarded overwieght child. He realy want all those fries, he just does not know how to get them. http://img1.coolspacetricks.com/imag...unny/81776.gif

  11. #11
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Back on topic, your opinion to the original question*, Warmaster Tibs - and an other people who are reading this** -?



    * The original question because it is probably forgotten:
    Since this is such an alternative and since I like the character of Boromir more than Faramir, what do you, my readers, think of the idea of Faramir going to Imladris and Faramir falling at Amon Hen.
    ** I can't be soooo bad that my readers total at 2




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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Inarus View Post
    Back on topic, your opinion to the original question*, Warmaster Tibs - and an other people who are reading this** -?



    * The original question because it is probably forgotten:

    ** I can't be soooo bad that my readers total at 2
    Most people just read the FFs and dont comment. Go by views of the thread rather then actual posts. Also you shoudl put all chapters in the first post. This way people dont have the go through every post to find the next chapter.
    The AI is like a retarded overwieght child. He realy want all those fries, he just does not know how to get them. http://img1.coolspacetricks.com/imag...unny/81776.gif

  13. #13
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Warmaster Tibs View Post
    Most people just read the FFs and dont comment. Go by views of the thread rather then actual posts. Also you shoudl put all chapters in the first post. This way people dont have the go through every post to find the next chapter.
    Edited thanks for the tip!




  14. #14

    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    I could do a full writing crit but theres not much point. I'll do a few lines and hopefully you will get an idea of what i'm getting at:

    'We, the Servants of Saruman the Wise assembled around the Black Tower to hear the White Hand speak.' No taste to the writing, you really want to draw the writers attention with the first few lines or paragraph. The words used to describe Saruman are already used and everyone already knows this...
    My advise is to use your character to show ideas of how the Uruks feel about following Saruman; are they happy to follow? Sad? Secretly wanting to rip off this guys nuts?

    'Before the walls of the Hornburg we waited for the order to begin the assault Good, I know that these guys are obedient. The defences were strong but once they fell the soldiers manning them would quick work for they were few in number and weak in strength and arms. wtf? Finally our Leader roared to begin the tactics.' the tactics? explain what these 'tactics' are. From what I know these Uruks didn't know what to do until they were told. Are you implying that this army knew exactly how this seige was going to go down?



    'The screams of ten thousand Uruks and the clamour of our pikes upon the rough ground echoed across the mountain walls and quickly it began to take effect.' The last words ruined what potentially could be a good line. What took effect? Explain...

    '...but jumped safely from the highest rung to join the killing. I felled a Elf with a deadly swing, defended against a furious barrage of blows with my shield then retaliated mercilessly with an overwhelming strength.' Best bit so far, and that is not because it's especially good. Good adjectives but experiment and see which ones bring about the best effect.

    The rest is pretty awful for a peice of writing if I'm honest. The other chapters are a bit better but are still pretty bad. www.teenagewriters.com - if you post your chapters there you will get more detailed reviews but be prepared - they get harsh. Spellings, grammer, and basic writing techniques need to be applied here. Even your Character has not been thought over fully. he seems to know everything... please, be realistic.


    In conclusion, unless your life is one constant wank over Lord of the Rings then you're not really going to enjoy reading this. I wish you all luck on this story and I'll be reading and subscribing your threads for edits and updates and after you have changed it I'll be happy to read and crit again.
    Please don't take this personally against yourself, It's just that my crit needs to be harsh in order for you to change and improve.
    Last edited by AlphApe; August 10, 2009 at 01:21 PM.
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  15. #15
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by AlphApe View Post
    I could do a full writing crit but theres not much point. I'll do a few lines and hopefully you will get an idea of what i'm getting at:

    'We, the Servants of Saruman the Wise assembled around the Black Tower to hear the White Hand speak.' No taste to the writing, you really want to draw the writers attention with the first few lines or paragraph. The words used to describe Saruman are already used and everyone already knows this...
    My advise is to use your character to show ideas of how the Uruks feel about following Saruman; are they happy to follow? Sad? Secretly wanting to rip off this guys nuts?

    'Before the walls of the Hornburg we waited for the order to begin the assault Good, I know that these guys are obedient. The defences were strong but once they fell the soldiers manning them would quick work for they were few in number and weak in strength and arms. wtf? Finally our Leader roared to begin the tactics.' the tactics? explain what these 'tactics' are. From what I know these Uruks didn't know what to do until they were told. Are you implying that this army knew exactly how this seige was going to go down?



    'The screams of ten thousand Uruks and the clamour of our pikes upon the rough ground echoed across the mountain walls and quickly it began to take effect.' The last words ruined what potentially could be a good line. What took effect? Explain...

    '...but jumped safely from the highest rung to join the killing. I felled a Elf with a deadly swing, defended against a furious barrage of blows with my shield then retaliated mercilessly with an overwhelming strength.' Best bit so far, and that is not because it's especially good. Good adjectives but experiment and see which ones bring about the best effect.

    The rest is pretty awful for a peice of writing if I'm honest. The other chapters are a bit better but are still pretty bad. www.teenagewriters.com - if you post your chapters there you will get more detailed reviews but be prepared - they get harsh. Spellings, grammer, and basic writing techniques need to be applied here.


    In conclusion, unless your life is one constant wank over Lord of the Rings then you're not really going to enjoy reading this. I wish you all luck on this story and I'll be reading and subscribing your threads for edits and updates and after you have changed it I'll be happy to read and crit again.
    Please don't take this personally against yourself, It's just that my crit needs to be harsh in order for you to change and improve.
    Thank you, you bastard (its nothing personal).
    Finally our Leader roared to begin the tactics.

    The screams of ten thousand Uruks and clamour of our pikes upon the rough ground echoed across the mountain walls and quickly it began to take effect.
    The first tactic is fear.

    In regards to your second paragraph. Uruks would never be sad. They "like" Saruman because they were bred to serve him and, to quote Uglúk, "We are the servants of Saruman the Wise, the White Hand that gives us man's-flesh to eat."
    Also Uruks, as you will learn from the Chapter, The Uruk-Hai always refere to Saruman as:
    -The Wise
    -The White Hand
    -etc...

    In conclusion, unless your life is one constant wank over Lord of the Rings then you're not really going to enjoy reading this.
    Finally: nobody does that ("constant wank over Lord of the Rings") and people are willingly reading this so either they can tell me its bad, I will stop and they will bugger off or it is good enough for those people.

    I know I'm not as good as Tolkien but unfortunately nobody is born with his skill. They must be educated to become as good as him.
    Last edited by Inarus; August 10, 2009 at 01:32 PM.




  16. #16
    hull19's Avatar Ordinarius
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    no ending but a nice view of a what if story
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  17. #17
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by hull19 View Post
    no ending but a nice view of a what if story
    It never seemed popular enough to continue, I wasn't much good as writing as an Uruk (still can't write as an orc, see my latest "Borin" Update, there you will see how my orcish is too human.




  18. #18

    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Meh... Its Okay, I guess...

  19. #19
    Inarus's Avatar In Laziness We Trust
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    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    Quote Originally Posted by Juan343 View Post
    Meh... Its Okay, I guess...
    Wow! Harsh, I'm surprised you found it worth commenting. Why do you think I no longer write it? Read one of my good ones (Istion is the most popular and the one I still update, Dagor Dagorath is my favourite and contains familiar characters).




  20. #20

    Default Re: Usrekí - Servant of the White Hand. An Isenguard FF by Inarus

    I like it.
    Sure it could have gone deeper and shown us more of what he was thinking, but i have a huge hard-on for Uruks (metaphorically speaking ) so having them conquer middle-earth is epic IMO!

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