[SS AAR] Baguettes, Garlic and Whine! Its the french!

[Frankie88]

Faction: Kingdom of the Franks
Version: Stainless Steel 6.2 RC5
Difficulty: Hard/Hard
Unit size: Huge
No cheating besides toggle_fow
No skipping of important battles
No reloading of battles unless a crash occurs or if my pc spontaneously combusts
(This is my first AAR any feedback is more then welcome, this first part is a bit short but thats mainly because this is just the intro)


Chatper 1: Meet the Capets
The Kingdom of the Franks 1100 A.D.


After securing the throne in 987 the Capet family has been firmly in power however a large part of the french nobility could care less about the so called king of France. As you can see the Kingdom is in a rather poor state out of the twelve regions that make up France only five are under Royal control and the rest are made up of various rebel lords and even the bloody English got a province under their control. Beyond the borders of France lie the powerfull Holy Roman Empire to the east, the respectable Republics of Genoa and Pisa to the south east and the pile of garbage that is know as the Kingdom of Aragon to the south.


The Crew


The story evolves around the King(currently Philip the Chivalrous), the royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre and the occaisional pope or family member. Our story begins on a sunny morning in Paris as the royal adivers enters the throne room.


Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Welcome Mon Seigneur I would...''

King Philip: ''What do you mean welcome im 52 years old you silly cow I have been king for years!''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''...I am sorry Mon Seigneur what are ze plans pour le Kingdom?''

King Philip: ''Well I was planning on having a quick lunch but the fridge is empty...''

Prince Louis: *burp* ''Sorry.''

King Philip: ''...so I guess I don't have any particular plans at the moment, maybe watch some Oprah.''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Well Mon Seigneur we could call ze warcouncil and set out our policy for ze next couple of years!''

King Philip: *sigh* ''alright...''

*Some hours passed while the nobility arrived*

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Welcome madames et monsieurs vie are ere zo discuss ze future of our kingdom and I am delighted zo give ze word zo ze King Philip Capet ze Chivalrous!''

*a brief awkward applause from the royal advisor*

King Philip: ''Well you heared him we have a couple of options to consider we could:''

A. Prepare an assault on the English in Caen so we can focus on the surrounding rebels afterwards.

B. Prepare an assault on any rebel settlement(please elaborate).

C. Put a garden gnome ablaze.

D. Other(please elaborate).

[Jynx]

C and B, take 'em all!

[Kallum]

please don't turn this in to a comedy aar

I would really like to see a true French AAR, with epic battles and court intrigues

not another comedy AAR(though I have to say that the last bit about the awkward applause worked in my head got a monty python scene alover the place)

[tuore]

C and B

What mod do you use for the cities and castles to look like that?

E: Or is it the 6.2 RC5?

E2: Shouldn't the topic be "Baguettes, Garlic and Wine" not Whine?

[Pink Beard]

No reloading of battles unless a crash occurs or if my pc spontaneously combusts

hmm... please tell me, how can you reload battles after your PC combusted?...


And Yay to Comedies!

[Frankie88]

Chapter 2: The Good, The Bad and Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre

King Philip: ''My fellow Frenchmen it is time to go to war!''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Hurray! Hurray for ze king!''

King Philip: ''Shut up and let me finish! In the coming years my son will raise an army to conquer Rennes and I will march for the town of Dijon. In my absence Paris will be governed by the Royal advisor, yes I know and I am sorry but all the other nobels are at the Popes Bar Mitzvah.''

The Siege of Rennes


The siege started in the summer of 1106 the Prince gathered his forces on a hill overlooking the town of Rennes.


The Prince quickly devided his forces, the main force would storm the north gate and kill the enemy commander and a second smaller force would ram the west gate and quickly seize the center of the town.

The main force breaking through:


The last moments of the enemy commander!


With their leader in a coma and no sign of David Hasselhoff the rebel forces retreated to the center of town!


Soon the battle was won and Rennes brought under royal control.


Prince Louis: ''Victory is ours! Send word to my father in Paris!''

*Later that week the messenger arrives only to find the King gone*

Messenger Bob: ''I bring news form Prince Louis, Rennes has been captured!''

Royal advisor and Regent of Paris Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''The king isn't here, nobody cares piss off.''

*Meanwhile on the road to Dijon*

King Philip: '''Finaly some time away from that retard that calls himself my royal advisor I never quite understood how that guy got the position in the first place. Bah! I shall have a word with the human resource manager about this matter wene I return to Paris!''.

Scout Maurice Chavez: ''We are nearing the town Mon Seigneur!''

King Philip: ''Good prepare the army for the siege and for the love of god use some deodorant! By the way who is leading the rebel force?''

Scout Maurice Chavez: ''The self proclaimed Duke of Burgondy Sir Eudes Borel Mon Seigneur.''

King Philip: ''Borel? That bastard borrowed my lawn mower twelve ing years ago and never returned it! Surely a crime like that calls for the death penalty!''

Scout Maurice Chavez: ''Well actualy if you keep the Geneva Conventions in mind...''

King Philip: ''Shut up you smelly bastard its time to start the assault!''

The Siege of Dijon


Quickly the King ordered his troops to ram the gate.


Soon the gate was broken and King Philip stood face to face with Eudes Borel!


King Philip: ''Borel you treacherous bastard where is my lawn mower and why did you rebel against me!?''

Borel: ''Philip you old fool I sold your lawn mower ages ago to a bloke from Barcalona, Manuel I think his name was! And as to why I rebelled... well I have been looking for freedom!''

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

King Philip: ''Enough die!''

Soon Borel was dealt with and the last rebel got a shoe in his face.


King Philip: ''Victory! I am so gonna get laid tonight! Time to return to Paris''.

*some days later in Paris*

King Philip: ''I have returned victorious! What news is there from my son in Rennes?''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''I am delighted to see you Mon Seigneur I have missed you so much and I even wrote a poem to celebrate your return! *clears throat*

My King is fair and just
His heart always full of lust
He marched for Dijon and defeated Borel
Who now is burning in hell

Now he...''

King Philip: "SHUT UP AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Ehm yes ofcourse, well Prince Louis conquered Rennes Mon Seigneur!''

King Philip: ''Excellent call the war council, we shall discuss our next move!''

What should be our next move?

A. Focus on conquering more rebel lands.

B. More of Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtres poetry please!

C. Go to war with a nation of choice(tell me which).

D. Other(please elaborate).

[Antwerpen]

Definitely B.

[Kallum]

B kill Genoa, they killed me as France this morning

[Antwerpen]

No, really, I'm a fan of Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtres!

[Frankie88]

Chapter 3: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?No it's Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre!

*early in the morning in front of the mirror at the Royal advisors apartment*

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Such a beautiful morning to write some poetry for Mon Seigneur! *clears throat*

Every time I see Mon Seigneur I get all warm inside,
he is both condifent and pride!
Even though his nose is slightly flawed,
its still a feature I happily applaud!

Your healthy outlook is an inspiration for France,
but please stop wearing those tight pants!
Now I...''

*doorbell rings*

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Come in!''

Messenger Bob: ''I have a message for Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre.''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Thats me.''

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

*Meanwhile on the other side of France the king marches for Toulouse*

Scout Maurice Chavez: ''My lord the rebels are attacking!''

King Louis ''Sacre blue!''


The Battle of Gascony


*the battle was so fierce that the royal portrait artist forgot to make a lot of paintings*

Eventualy the enemy commander got a spear up his bum.


Another victory for France!


King Louis: ''Ha those damn rebels can't surprise the King of France!''

Scout Maurice Chavez: ''Hurray for the King!''

King Louis: ''Shut up! We are not done yet we are closing in on Toulouse, tell me what you know about it!''

Scout Maurice Chavez: ''Well Mon Seigneur Raymond the so called Duke of Toulouse, is known for his witty charm and impressive collection of Ming vases...''

King Louis: ''I swear to god I will kick the out of you if you don't give me some usefull information!''

Scout Maurice Chavez: *cough* ''Well Mon Seigneur you already defeated the largest part of his force he himself is camped infront of the castle if we strike quickly we can catch him unprepared!''

King Louis: ''Alright lets move out!''


The Battle of Toulouse


Quickly the king ordered his cavalry to take flank the enemy


The cavalry charge was enough to trigger the enemy to attack and our archers quickly responded


*Raymond of Toulouse charged foolishly into a line of spearmen!*

King Louis: ''Raymond you goat shagging son of a time to fix your face a little!''


With Raymond wasted the fight was soon over


*Meanwhile in the trauma unit of the Paris hospital*

Doctor François: ''Are you gonna be alright now Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre?''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''I will never be ze same again, oh how I miss Mon Seigneur!'' *more hysterical crying*

Doctor François: *sigh* ''Get over it. The new king Louis the Lazy wants to see you.''

*Later back in Paris*

King Louis: '' Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre I would like you to give a speech at my fathers funeral next month!''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: *sniff* '' I vould be zelighted mon seigneur!''

King Louis: ''Good. By the way I ordered Guillaume de Clermont to assault the castle of Lyon.''

Royal advisor Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre: ''Fascinating''.

The Battle of Lyon


Guillaumes army preparing for battle


Quickly our forces move in with the ram


Soon the enemy retreated to the center of the keep


The enemy commander eating dirt


Winzies!


Guillaume de Clermont: ''Victory send word to the King!''

*later in Paris*

Messenger Bob: ''King Louis Lyon has been captured!''

King Louis: ''Great anything else?''

Messenger Bob: ''Yes I bring a map of the current political situation.''

King Louis: ''Oh joy...''



King Louis: ''Well what the are you waiting for call the warcouncil!''

Messenger Bob: ''Isn't that the Royal advisors job?''

King Louis: ''He is preparing his speech, get on with it numbnuts!''

What should we do next?

A. Go to war with the Republics of Genova and Pisa.

B. Conquer Antwerp before the English get even stronger.

C. Defeat the Sith.

D. Other(please elaborate).

[Pink Beard]

what the hell? C???

Ok I say D, sack london

[Antwerpen]

D, more poetry of Monsieur Jean-Jacque de la Foyette du Piedemont avec deux Fenêtre.

[Kallum]

A kill Genoa, they killed me when I was france two days ago

[Roloc]

defeat the sith scum and btw +rep

[Commander5xl]

I say D: Sack london and B too

[Frankie88]

Thanks for all the kind words the next update is a bit delayed because of beautiful weather and half a ton of uni work .