[DM AAR] The Purging of the Land: The Quest for Chocolate - DEAD - PC can't handle Empire

[King of Axum]

Play as Morocco their starting position and challenging unit supply should equal a fun campaign.

[Jynx]

The Purging of the Lands

The Quest For Chocolate

Scene 1: The Rise and Fall of Ug

Okay, I can’t be bothered to wait for Darthmod 1,0 so I am doing it in Darthmod 0,75. You have voted for me to do my AAR about the Cherokees. I think that I should research about their way of thinking first.

Cherokee Religion:Cherokee myth speaks of the Earth as a great island floating in the sea, held in place by four great cords placed at the four directions and attached to the sky vault, itself made of solid rock. When the Earth grows old and is worn out its cords will break so allowing the Earth to retire to the deep. Our world was first formed when a Water-Beetle brought some mud to the surface of the sea, at which point it grew and became the Earth. The animals, who until that time lived above the sky vault, came and made their homes on the Earth...once it was dry enough; in time humans would join them

Okay… about as barmy as the other religions of that time but still quite sensible and primitive.

There, done the boring research, now for the good stuff.



Catecahassa: I’m bored, my country is small, my people are being wiped out by crazy white people with fire-breathing dragons.
Advisor: Sounds like the Chinese sire.
Catecahassa: No! They just believed in them, these people actually have them. Guns they call them.
Advisor: Don’t they use saltpetre to fire out shards of metal?
Catecahassa: Shut up! We’re supposed to be ill-educated Native Americans! Not scientists! They are fire breathing dragons!
Advisor: Okay, fire breathing dragons, gotcha!
Catecahassa: There! Now we must purge the lands of these demons from beneath the sky vault! And anybody else who gets in our way!
Advisor: Isn’t that a bit too far?
Catecahassa: Did you see what they did to the chocoholic Aztecs?!?
Advisor: Chocolate?
Catecahassa: Hmmm…
Advisor: Those fire-breathing-dragon-wielding great-cord-destroying people-burning demons? Chocolate?
Catecahassa: Must… have… chocolate…
Advisor: So that is your goal, to get to the chocolate! Here is a picture of our lands.



Catecahassa: First I must find a general stupid enough to go against fire breathing dragons.
Ug: I’ll purge the lands of these infidelious fire breathing dragons!
Catecahassa: Great! Take this army and go kill Florida!



Ug: I’ll get them!



Ug: Here I am! I’ll get those evil dragons!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ug: Even the betting service says that I should win, just!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ug: Now, tactics, umm…

*Five minutes later*

Ug: Uhhh… Got it! CHARRRGE!!!!!



Ug: Okay! We’re up the walls! CHARRRGE!



Ug: Nice! Keep it up!



Ug: You’re winning!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ug: Now get those cowards in the centre! Hmmm, I think I’ll join in!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Cherokee Warrior: Where’s Ug?



Death: Well well well, you’ve left me quite a job now.
Ug: Um, was joining in a stupid thing to do?
Death: Very, I have more to do and you cannot do anything any more.
Ug: Damn those fire breathing dragons! What do I do now?

Catecahassa: We won!
Advisor: But we lost Ug.
Catecahassa: But they lost Florida!
Advisor: What should our next move be?





Well, I hope you like that but what should I do now?

A] Attack the Thirteen Colonies (To see if they have chocolate)
B] Attack New France (On the way to Chocolate)
C] Go naval, take Cuba (The Spanish discovered Chocolate)
D] Go straight to Mexico and eat chocolate
E] Do what the Europeans do and make a colony, in Europe! (And find a Chocolate factory)

(I want [b] myself but your votes can change my mind)

P.S. Don't vote on the Poll anymore

[BubbleBoy]

Nice! I like it already.

My vote is option 1, I mean A. They make me thing of chococlate the most.

[Roloc]

Vote for E. Europeans have many chocolate factories

[ClaymanVTW]

nice/lol/i choose a.

[Jynx]

If anybody knows how to delete or change the Poll then can you post how? I would rather do the end-of-update as a poll than as a random question

Also if you think that I should have more Picures, Text or just have the update longer or funnier then please say so. All criticism will be taken as kind advice not a raving lunatic... raving at me.

Next update tomorrow so get voting but STOP VOTING ON THE CURRUNT POLL!!!

[tuore]

Don't know how to remove poll, but nice start!

[Spartaaaa]

lol good one jynx.just as funy as the last one.I choose A.p.s. what was ug's real name the one you covered up

[Jynx]

I dunno, I forgot

[Hobbes]

e. Do you even have ships?

[Musthavename]

Great to see you back, and even better, with Native Americans!

e. Do you even have ships?

From what i've found playing as the natives, their own docks cannot actually train any ships, and they can only make fishing villages. However, if they take a region that has a European Dock in, there are a couple of ships they can train!

I say kill the French, but then, i'm English. I would however advise you to maintain good relations with the 13 colonists (& probably the Iroqious aswell), as I found in my Cherokee campaign I was quickly at war with Spain, the 13 Colonies & Loiusiana by Turn 15 or so. (Though, the US had emerged and strangely, liked me!).

[Jynx]

The Purging of the Lands

The Quest For Chocolate

Scene 2: The Great War - Part 1

*somewhere where no living person has been before*

*but where lots of dead ones have*

Death: well, here’s your chance!
Kolman: Fank yoo skele-hoodie!
Death: what did you call me?
Kolman: Nuffink! Kan I gow now?
Death: What? Oh. Yes. You may reincarnate here somewhere.
Kolman: Ahkey wurld! Heer I cum!

*back in America*

Catecahassa: Okay, what fate will befall us in these times?
Advisor: Well the Title says that there will be a great war soon
Catecahassa: SSSHHH!!! We aren’t supposed to know that!
Advisor: Sorry…
Catecahassa: You’d better be! Do something like that again and I will put a nuke on you!
Advisor: We haven’t invented nukes yet.
Catecahassa: SHUT UP!!!
Advisor: Okay, just saying.
Messenger: Chief! I bring bad news!
Catecahassa: Oh dear, spit it out…
Messenger: Ptooi!

*splot*

Catecahassa: NOT LITERALLY!!! I MEANT GIVE US THE MESSAGES!!! YOU JUST WRECKED MY BEAUTIFUL BEAR-SKIN CARPET!!!
Messenger: Sorry, why didn’t you say so, here they are.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Catecahassa: Oh Great Water Beetle!* Is there more?
*Cherokee swearing.
Messenger: ‘Fraid so.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Catecahassa: What! How will we survive?
Advisor: Well we could use a glitch and give us lots of cavalry by buying as many generals as we can afford.
Catecahassa: What glitch? Anyway, how are we rich!





Messenger: That was all of them. Bye!
Advisor: Oh well, that’s us dead.



Catecahassa: Oh dear, I hope we can win, they just surrounded Bolek!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bolek: Men! Do not fear defeat, for we outnumber them lots* to one!
*Native Cherokees can’t count.
Warrior: But they have dragons!
Bolek: More the reason to purge their people and banish the demons back to the Sky Vault! Ready your sharp objects!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bolek: CHARRRGE!!!



Bolek: Get in there! Smash the demons to pieces!



Bolek: Which ones are us?
Warrior: Augh! They have cursed us with Temporary Green Illumination!
Bolek: Oh there you are!





Rangers: Augh! LASERS!!! We cannot move backwards!
Mob: We’ve backed them into their own demonic creations!
Crusader: DIE INFIDELS!!!
Mob: How did he get there?

Bolek: Here I come! CHARRRGE!!!



James Moore: Noooo!!!
Bolek: Go back to the sky vault where you belong! You are not worthy of this world!



Bolek: The cowards are running away!



Bolek: WE’VE WON!!!



Warrior: But we lost more men than they had!
Bolek: But they were not lost for nothing!

James Moore: What happened?
Death: You’re dead
James Moore: What?
Death: it’s easier to tell you straight than let you realize. You’ve left me with quite a job you know.
James Moore: Sorry. Where do I go now? Heaven or Hell
Death: You don’t want to know.

Bolek! Now I’m a war leader! Kill the dragons!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bolek: DIE!!! What? It’s already over?



Bolek: I’m a war chief now!





Bolek: I’m also m-e-n-t-i-o-n-e-d in d-e-s-p-a-t-c-h-e-s. What does that mean?



Catecahassa: Our Empire Grows! We’ll send a new General called ‘Matochutuhu’ with an army to kill some country called Loisiana soon.



Matochutuhu: I haz an armee! I wil kil cuz I haz tactix!!!



Oh dear, somebody has been silly enough to give Kolman Matochutuhu an army. Who knows what will happen now?
Advisor: I do!
SHUT UP!!!

[BubbleBoy]

LOL! Oh dear, Kolmans back. This might even be funnier than last time. +rep when possible

[Jynx]

Is Darthmod 0,85 compatible with 0,75? If it is I'll get it

[Antwerpen]

Very nice, I liked it. Too bad I can't make an ETW AAR myself because I found ETW boring. Medieval 2 was way funnier to play.

[Jynx]

OMG! you were reading my AAR at he EXACT time i was reading urs! LOL!!!

Soory but I subscribed to mine and it emailed me to say that u posted just as I finished reading ur latest update!

[tuore]

You can upgrade to darthmod 0,85. In my AAR, i started with 0,1 and now it's already 8,5 and fully working.

[Jynx]

The Purging of the Lands

The Quest For Chocolate

Scene 2: The Great War – Part 2

Difficulty: vh/m
Humour Rating: DANGER!!! Do not read if you have a sense of humour or you will die of laughter!!!

Catecahassa: Okay, in political terms, we’re screwed. What should I do now?
Advisor: How the hell should I know?!?
Catecahassa: You’re my advisor.
Advisor: *grumble* *mutter* *something about the ‘great water beetle’* Well there is only one thing left that we can do.
Catecahassa: What’s that?
Advisor: Aalwayys loook on the briiight side of life fff sss *choke* *splutter*
Catecahassa: What is it?
Advisor: *cough* I can’t whistle…
Catecahassa: Never mind. What can we do apart from sing ‘Monty Python’
Advisor: Tell the generals to go utterly mental and do what the Cumans did 600 years ago under the rule of the mighty Musthavename?
Catecahassa: What did the Cumans do?
Advisor: Kill! Rape! Pillage!
Catecahassa: Okay, if you say so, tell the whole country our new regime.

*somewhere in Florida*

Metacomet: This new regime is preposterous!
Calusa: I agree! Let’s gather an army and oppose brute force with more brute force!

Metacomet: Wow! We have a lot of people!
Calusa: Yeah! Let’s get ourselves a country!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Metacomet: Die barbaric scum!
Calusa: What he said!

Metacomet: We won!
Calusa: Let’s name our country after me!

*in Upper Louisiana*

Matochutuhu: I haz bean telled to do sumfink cal’d ‘Kil’ ‘Rayp’ ‘Pillij’. Furst I doo kil!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Matochutuhu: Surrenda or I rayp yoo!
Mob Leader: Augh! Rape! We’d better surrender!
Mob Advisor: Sorry, we can’t because of a buggered up AI.
Mob Leader: What? We can’t surrender? Oh .
Matochutuhu: Vat’s wot yoo iz gunna get den!

Kill!

Rape!

Pillage!

Matochutuhu: Fank yoo for obliyjin to awr noo reyjeem!

Matochutuhu: I noo dey breev’d fyre!

*back in the Capital*

Catecahassa: That went well.
Advisor: Yeah, problem is that they have another army just south a bit.

Advisor: So do the Twelve Colonies.
Catecahassa: Twelve?
Advisor: We took one.

Catecahassa: Oh yeah, heh heh heh.
Catecahassa’s Mother: BED TIIIME!!!
Catecahassa: But muuuum…
Catecahassa’s Mother: But nothing! You are going to bed and that’s final!
Catecahassa: But we need to conquer our way to chocolate!
Catecahassa Mother: That’s all you think about nowadays isn’t it! Chocolate! It can wait until tomorrow!
Catecahassa: Awww…

*four months later*

Catecahassa: Yawwn!!!
Advisor: Finally!
Catecahassa: How long have I been asleep?
Advisor: Four months.
Catecahassa: WHAT?!? Has anything happened?!?
Advisor: You’d better see for yourself.

Catecahassa: What? Britain? Do we like them?
Advisor: Not really, but it would not be wise to get on the wrong side of them. We should make them like us more.
Catecahassa: How?
Advisor: Give them some china for 2,500.
Catecahassa: 2,500 what?
Advisor: Dunno, doesn’t say.
Catecahassa: What do we have then?
Advisor: 14,000.
Catecahassa: 14,000 what?
Advisor: Look, we just have 14,000 of the universal currency of the world O.K.?
Catecahassa: 14,000 U.C. then
Advisor: 11,500 U.C.
Catecahassa: What? You said 14,000!
Advisor: Nevermind, I’ll just get them the china. Look at this!

Catecahassa: What? Rebels?!? Get Bolek to show them what happens to rebels!!!
Advisor: Very well chief.
Catecahassa: That’s Chief to you! With a capital ‘C’!
Messenger: I bring news!
Catecahassa: Good or bad?
Messenger: Um, bad.
Catecahassa: Oh dear, bring it on.

*SMASH*

Catecahassa: WHAT THE BLOODY SKY VAULT DID YOU PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH FOR BOY!?!?!
Messenger: You said ‘bring it on’ chief, you asked me to…
Catecahassa: I MEANT SHOW ME THE MESSAGE!!! GET OUT!

*messenger begins to leave*

Catecahassa: SHOW ME THE MESSAGE FIRST!!!
Messenger: Sorry Chief…

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

*messenger runs off*

Advisor: Oh dear…
Catecahassa: What?
Advisor: You forgot to look at the message.
Catecahassa: What? KILL THE FOERIGNERS!!!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Matochutuhu: Run awai.
Mob: No!

Kill!

Rape!

Pillage!

Matochutuhu: Haha! I kil yoo! I iz cleva! I haz tactix!

Catecahassa: This is good, The man is actually doing good!

Advisor: And getting better! Here is what we own at the moment Chief.

Catecahassa: Excellent! Now we need to get rid of those rebellious rebels!

Bolek: So this is what I have to do!

*at St. Augustine*

Bolek: Surrender! In the name of the law!
Metacomet: What law?
Bolek: This one:

Kill!

Rape!

Pillage!

Metacomet: What? That law is a joke!!!
Bolek: It served the Cumans well.
Metacomet: Are you Cumans?
Bolek: No.
Metacomet: Are you serving Muthavename?
Bolek: No.
Metacomet: There you go then! Joke!
Bolek: Knock knock.
Metacomet: Who’s there?
Bolek: Interrupting Sheep.
Metacomet: Interrupting Shee…
Bolek: BAAA!!!
Metacomet: *groan* I didn’t mean tell a joke! I meant the law was a joke!
Bolek: Pretty good though!
Metacomet: It was terrible!
Bolek: HOW DARE YOU! CHIEF CATECAHASSA MADE IT UP! YOU SHALL DIE FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bolek: Here’s the plan, troops!

Troops: Yes SIR!
Bolek: Carry it out then!
Troops: Yes SIR!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bolek: Well done troops!
Warrior: Knock knock.
Metacomet: Who’s there?
Warrior: Interrupting spear.
Metacomet: Interrupting Spea…

*SPLATT!!!*

Warrior: Ho ho ho!
Santa: Merry Christmas!!!
Bolek: Okay, no more jokes! That one HURT! I’m coming in to finish them off myself!

Bolek: We win!

Bolek: Again…

Bolek: HOW DARE THEY!!!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

If you have sustained any injuries reading this, I warned you… If you didn’t, Congratulations! You probably read it in a straight jacket while connected to a ventilator and also have a high power pacemaker. If you survived without any of these then give yourself a pat on the head and give me a rep

Btw, I only play the battles that are not just against Mobs.

[Antwerpen]

Very good, + rep. But the "kill, rape, pillage" law is outdated for empire times. Now it should be "Commit murders, violate women by sexual assaults, rob the civilian houses while damaging their property". But it's still great.

[Jynx]

Hey! They're Cherokees and had the same technology as the Cumans did and the CHARRRGE tactic still works perfectly well in Empire